I (M21) am in a 2 year relationship with my gf (F22). For context, we have been long distance for the past 1.5 years. She took a job opportunity in a far away state for those 1.5 years to help support her career (state A). In the meantime, I have been finishing up my bachelor’s degree. She wants to become a doctor and I am becoming a software engineer. Over this summer I have had the opportunity to intern at a very big tech company which pays very well (state B). She was able to secure a job back in our hometown that works very well for her career while she preps for the MCAT (state C). As she is taking the MCAT I will be graduating and will need to determine where I go for my career.
Unfortunately, our hometown (state C) is not a very good fit for my career unless I choose to work for defense companies, which is not a preference of mine. However, most good companies for my field are on the opposite side of the country than our hometown. We both really want to be together and long distance has become very unbearable. We have also been discussing for a while that we would get married by the end of next year (the year I graduate in Spring). I think that our careers are pushing us in different directions and am unsure what compromise would look like. We’re both so young and new to our careers that I’m afraid of making a decision that would stunt either career path.
Ultimately, she would be making more money and I feel uncomfortable raising kids while both of us work 40 hours. So, I’d be leaning towards part time, remote, or no job in the future to take care of kids. Which, isn’t something I’m opposed to but not working certainly is something unfamiliar to me.
Some other context:
We have wanted to get married for a while now but long distance has prevented that, hence the urgency. Plus, it would be more inconvenient for her career to get married sooner or later due to when she is taking the MCAT.
To reduce stress we’ve started planning now even though we aren’t engaged. For her current job, she doesn’t want to move after so recently getting what is a perfect job. Once she gets into medical school we would be relying on my salary since she won’t be working. I don’t enjoy remote work since it makes me feel isolated but so would working in a new state. She would be applying to med schools in our hometown.
I am not as ambitious as her in my career, but I do enjoy my career and don’t particularly enjoy stale work. I really struggle with isolation and instability (something I’ve been working hard on) so I’ve been saying that I want to stay in my hometown to be close to family. However, trips back home wouldn’t be too difficult, just catching a flight and renting a car. We are not comfortable living in the same home before marriage due to religious preferences. What are some good steps forward to talk about this situation?
TL;DR;
Me and my gf have good career opportunities several states apart and it’s clashing with our marriage timeline and career dreams. I need advice on how to broach the issue with a conversation.
Comments
Ive had a few friends go through this and its a long journey. I would recommend not stifling your career as long as you can (so take the internship) but realize you will be chasing her around for medical school, residency, and potentially fellowship. The odds of her getting into a program in your home town is pretty slim, and even then, residency probably won’t be there as well. Most of my friends have had to do short stints for long distance but always had a plan and end date for when they’d be together again.
I’d also talk about your timelines in regard to marriage, kids, starting a family, etc. There are few gaps in the next 10 years for her to have kids if she goes through to fellowship. I’d also be prepared for the dynamic to potentially shift if you are the sole breadwinner for the next decade, are you ready for that as well? She is going to have night shifts and extremely long days sometimes and will need more support from you than you may realize (not a bad thing, just can be a test to your relationship). This will not end when she is an attending.