For context, for the last 1.5 years I’ve been very loving to my boyfriend in different ways, including gift giving (trying to focus on gifts that are useful), feeding him, paying for our dates, being intimate whenever we get an alone moment, hugging him and kissing him whenever I see him, encouraging him, supporting him, being faithful, being available whenever he needs me and just all around meeting needs as best as I can. He has a tendency to be fault finding and mildly paranoid and it’s ramped up as we’ve grown closer so today we had a conversation about it and he’s throwing in that I’m not vocal and physical enough about how I feel about him and when I brought the enormous amount of care I show him all around he says none of those things matter, that he can take care of himself in all of those ways (this is not entirely true, but yes he can meet basic needs) and that this is how most men feel. I’m honestly gutted that the sheer amount of time, money and effort isn’t important to him, but most of all just want to know how many men feel this way and why. For me, this is how I show I love someone, and yes it does include affection and intimacy, but it’s just not solely that or mostly that, it’s all the things.
Men, how important is the woman “taking care of you” in the sense of making you food, bringing and buying you things you need, etc.
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For context, for the last 1.5 years I’ve been very loving to my boyfriend in different ways, including gift giving (trying to focus on gifts that are useful), feeding him, paying for our dates, being intimate whenever we get an alone moment, hugging him and kissing him whenever I see him, encouraging him, supporting him, being faithful, being available whenever he needs me and just all around meeting needs as best as I can. He has a tendency to be fault finding and mildly paranoid and it’s ramped up as we’ve grown closer so today we had a conversation about it and he’s throwing in that I’m not vocal and physical enough about how I feel about him and when I brought the enormous amount of care I show him all around he says none of those things matter, that he can take care of himself in all of those ways (this is not entirely true, but yes he can meet basic needs) and that this is how most men feel. I’m honestly gutted that the sheer amount of time, money and effort isn’t important to him, but most of all just want to know how many men feel this way and why. For me, this is how I show I love someone, and yes it does include affection and intimacy, but it’s just not solely that or mostly that, it’s all the things.
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I think it’s important that it go both ways. Yes, willingness to care for the other is important for both partners.
I work 60 hours a week, if she wants to be a part of my life I’d want her to cook me dinner. I’m not coming home to no dinner I can do that single
I think ur love language gift giving and acts of service and his is physical touch and words of affirmation. So to you you’re doing everything to show u love him from ur pov but to him, he’s missing what he’s looking for the most. You should focus on showing him love through his preferred love languages so to save urself the headache of feeling unappreciated
It sounds like you put a lot of thought and care into showing love, and it’s tough when that effort isn’t fully appreciated. People express and receive love differently—some prioritize acts of service, while others value words of affirmation or physical affection more2. It might help to have an open conversation about love languages to better understand each other’s needs. Hope things work out for you!
Didn’t think I wanted it or needed it until I had a girlfriend who just did it because she wanted to, she enjoyed doing so and then my whole world changed.
I mean I feel this is reciprocal. My cooking sucks but I’ll go and make my girl food and buy her things etc. she does the same for me. It’s a 2 way street.
I will start with this…. You actually sound like an awesome girlfriend and a lot of men would appreciate you for this type of effort.
The problem seems to be, you are not meeting the needs of your bf. If he is telling you that those things don’t matter to him, ask him what does matter.
As silly as it sounds, sometimes the things that we think matter, don’t matter to our partners. My gf needs words of affirmation and love. If I constantly clean the house but not use my words and expect her to feel loved, she will not. She will feel neglected even though I am showing her in a demonstrable way.
Long story short, ask him what he needs from you
Does he do even one of these things for you? Two? Three? Dump this loser
sounds like you adopted someones adult child.
I have very minimal needs. I want attention, shared interests, meaningful conversation, appreciation, peace, fun, occasionally to be left alone, physical touch all over my body, to take care of the kids while I work, and of course exclusive sexy time. Notice that cooking and cleaning are not on my requirements list. But those would be absolutely appreciated.
Although I do expect my wife to take herself to appointments, and I would appreciate coming home to a clean house, I also don’t care enough to do anything about it myself. Unless she asks me to help her. Then…well…we can have fun cleaning up the house together. Because I believe in fun while I work.
It sounds like your BF doesn’t show appreciation for the things you do for him. He takes it for granted. That is not husband material.
It’s not important at all. What is important is willing to do SOME of that if I really need it. (and vice versa)
You’re partners.
None at all but it’s the thought that counts. Don’t be a sugar momma
Two things
This feels like conflating multiple things.
I dont need constant gifts or everything paid for and I don’t want to be waited on. For that kind of household or date stuff I’m really just looking for working together on the shared tasks.
The affection stuff is a whole different aspect, that’s all good.
Depends, are you doing it to keep score or are you doing it because its who you are? I don’t want anyone doing anything for me if there’s strings attached. Dealt with it for 17 years and it got old. Everything she did for me was used as leverage in arguments and everything I did for her didn’t matter.
Relationships are never equal but it should balance out. As long as the person is supportive that’s all that matters to me. Funny enough, that’s probably the hardest quality to find in women. They love being there when things are good but the second there’s hard times they bail.
What matters about those gestures isn’t that you’re holding up your end of the bargain, it’s that you care about him instead of what he can provide. Those gestures only mean anything when he can’t provide them for himself. If he works a long shift, cook dinner. If he hates doing the dishes, do the dishes. That sort of stuff.
The devil is in the details.
I’m friends with a couple where the guy has a poor appetite, and the girl likes to cook. He’s usually not hungry when she calls him for dinner, and he says he’ll eat it later, and she gets very upset with him. She’s a truly excellent cook, and cooks every day, but, he would much prefer to eat toast for dinner and not get yelled at. She doesn’t cook for him to look after him, she cooks because she enjoys cooking and demands that he eats when he’s told. That’s not giving or caring, that’s selfish.
I’m similar in that I want to decide for myself when I’m hungry, and what I feel like eating. And I enjoy cooking, so a woman trying to cook for me is largely going to be a negative – too many cooks.
You can list all the things you do as checkboxes that are ticked off, but they may not be wanted. It’s not being a generous giving partner if what you’re doing is unwanted. That’s just doing what you feel like and expecting it to be appreciated.
Equally as important on both side , gotta live as a power team , work together . It’s Bonny and Clyde . It’s Romeo and Juliet .
It’s Layla and majnun .
Your boyfriend is a raging man child. It seems like you spoiled him and now he’s become expectant of these generosities and gifts. My wife and I both started off like this in the beginning of our relationship but we both realized we were trying too hard. We started dutching our dates, gifts became more special occasion and we both offered massages and other illicit activities equally. You seem like a wonderful partner who deserves one just as wonderful. I know it may be hard but I would definitely reevaluate your current situation.