I often see posts from men about women being dishonest about their looks / being catfished, and am curious how frequently you guys actually run into this issue when online dating?
It is a regular occurrence? How bad is the offense normally (how diff do they look)? And does it change the way you pre-date (do you do anything or have any precautions put in place to avoid this happening)?
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Here’s an original copy of /u/forthegirlies88’s post (if available):
I often see posts from men about women being dishonest about their looks / being catfished, and am curious how frequently you guys actually run into this issue when online dating?
It is a regular occurrence? How bad is the offense normally (how diff do they look)? And does it change the way you pre-date (do you do anything or have any precautions put in place to avoid this happening)?
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I would call that shit out hard. Fucking don’t lie to me at the beginning, then show up expecting a free meal looking like the Temu version of yourself.
This is an all genders thing.
As a guy you should always assume a girl’s pictures are the best she’s ever going to look. I’ve never been on a first date where the girl looked better than her pictures.
I date hers and hims. And yeah, almost everyone is different from their pics. I always do a FaceTime before first meeting or opt for a shorter coffee shop chat at first. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter that they look different. Like if they look a bit older or younger than their picture. But sometimes it’s radically different. Even so, meeting face to face irl is the key. An initial coffee meetup is ideal for assessing chemistry.
I was catfished twice and both times the pre-meeting video chat caught that. It was always cut short and it annoyed me so much (mostly because it’s so dumb—they are obviously going to be found out so why do it?). But I’m not going to lose sleep over it.
I’ve never been on a date where that’s happened to me, but I also go in thinking that there will be some differences since most people usually do not share photos from unflattering angles or in poor lighting.
I got catfished in a way once
I knew she was a bigger girl (I’m honestly into that), but when she walled up she was easily 80 pounds bigger than her photos. I’m not into thst big, but even. Ore I’m not into the disingenuousness
I was waiting outside a popular ice cream spot and I almost turned and ran when I saw that Stay Puft Marshmallow waddle up. I instead bit the bullet cause I knew that would devastate her. It ended up being thr most boreing date of my entire life ugh.
Had it happen a few times. I still took them back to my place after the dates to seal the deal if they were willing. One turned into a brief two-month relationship the other ones ended being one-night-stands.
It depends on how different. If pretty seriously different
Young inexperienced me would go through it
Older don’t give a fuck. Hell no. Lying ass trick
Luckily I’ve never run into a straight up catfish, but people still using older pictures on their profile? Yeah, it happens once in awhile.
If I’m still attracted to them, I just roll with it. If I’m not, I’ll go through with our date but leave at the earliest opportunity.
If it’s something you worry about, plenty of people will ask to Facetime or video chat before meeting up offline.
Sometimes they look better, either lost weight or gained some in all the right places. I’m smart/experienced enough to know the difference between trying to deceive me and simply not updating a pic.
The worst date I ever went on though, was with a chick who very much gained weight from the time her profile pic was taken. I actually said “fuck it, rock on, just a date” but she was excruciating and rude. If she had a heart of gold I think I could’ve put it aside. She didn’t look bad per se.
I’ve never went through this how ever I constantly see friends and family use filters all the time in their pics. I would guess if you see a picture with filters def avoid.
Most women’s pics are not an extremely accurate representation of how they look. Often they have a filter on them. I think this is absurd but it’s so common if it was a dealbreaker you’d hardly have any dates.
Occasionally they look radically different from their photos – either the image is very heavily altered or else in at least a couple cases I’m not sure it was even the same person. So far when I’ve encountered this I’ve just politely finished the date. In the future I hope I have the will to just leave immediately.
I’d sort of like to do a brief video chat before meeting to avoid this, but in my experience a lot of women seem really hesitant about this, for reasons I can’t imagine.
Meet before asking out?
Some of the stuff I’ve been seeing has been getting worse. Women lying about their age by 10 or 15 years. It’s funny how you never see a women lying about her age to make herself older once she is an adult.
You used to see at least one filterless pic at the end of the photos. Like a mercy thing where this is what I really look like. Now, it’s all filters.
Most of the time, you can tell what a woman look like by what she doesn’t show you. If she only shows you face pics from above then she is unhealthy from being overweight.
You can’t prevent it, but a lot of people use older photos. Had one admit she kinda catfished me, and that her photos were from nearly a decade previous.
She claimed she doesn’t need to worry about how she eats, when she clearly really needed to start doing so. Photos were years and 20lb lighter than she actually is.
I’ve gone on exactly 40 first dates over the past year, and all of the women looked like or better than their photos. One woman I talked to on the app sent me different photos before we met and there was a clear difference (of about 10 years and 40 lbs), but we never met. Age range is 27-39, mostly around 31.
I date rarely these days,but typically date women in their 30s/40s. Many pictures can be quite old (10 to 20 yrs old sometimes). It’s always interesting when women get offended when they’re called out on it. I didn’t use to do it, but realized they’re wasting my time and $$. Not cool.
The good thing is I can typically spot the fakes even before meeting.
Sign up on an app as a man and look through women’s photos. It’s… Interesting.
It’s not a regular occurrence. Because I recognize people can look a bit different from pictures and in real life. Time of the year can affect the tone of one’s skin, certain hairstyles or angles can slightly change one’s appearance, etc. Also, sometimes you can just meet someone in person and their overall vibe may not appeal to you.
It’s usually very obvious when someone looks absolutely nothing like their pictures. If you have common sense, you can avoid those types. If one of those “catfishes” bypasses that filter to meet me in person. I usually just keep the date short, and then message afterwards, I don’t feel the connection.
Most people don’t look ALL that much like their photos when we see them in moving 3D five senses, and are listening to what they are saying. I think a lot of visual mismatches aren’t bad faith or deceptive.
I don’t recall ever having felt like I was deceived upon meeting in person. I do like to do a video chat before the first meet if feasible.
I was catfished once, and never again. So I just swipe left if their pic stops at their chest or is at a weird angle. I appreciate some meat on the bones, but be upfront about it.
Not so much a date, but I’ve certainly experienced meeting someone who I originally only met online with carefully cropped pictures, and when I met her in person she was um wider than expected. So from that experience, it’s a tell if all pics are cropped a certain way, that what you see may be less than what you get.
The pics a woman posts on her dating profile are most of the time pics with great lighting, from a certain angle and maybe with a bit of filtering here/there. 95% of the time she’s not 100% gonna look like you think she will either positive or negative.
I matched with a woman on Bumble a year ago who on pics looked like she could be my type and she looked cute. But when she arrived i could see that she had used certain angles and “hid” some stuff because, not only was she 5’2. She also had very small breasts (most overweight men have bigger boobs) and she was overweight too. So it was out of proportion and that in combination with that she also had too much testosterone (so she had ever so slight stubbles on her face) made me unattracted to her.
But i also met with someone after we knew each other for years online, who looked like a 6 in her pictures and during video calls but she was a proper 8 IRL, unfortunately her personality (talking about my ex) turned out to be a 3…
Look. NOBODY and I means NOBODY looks exactly like their pictures. I guess it’s not possible due to how lenses capture us compared to our perceptions.
Couple that with the fact we only use flattering angles and light. It can often seem deceiving even is we use new recent photos.
I would think most mature experienced people know this and show some grace when meeting dates. In our minds we know “they don’t quite look like I imagined, but neither do I to them”. It’s ok. We go with it. Right?
What matters is if we still find them attractive.
I only date middle aged women, they are notorious for poor photos. (I guess men are too). But many I’ve met actually look BETTER than their photos.
Catfish is rare for me. You need to be really discerning when looking through profiles. If they have multiple photos with varying looks. I guarantee they look like the worse one. If they only have one photo. They’re not going to look anything like that.
Every Internet date I’ve ever been on. I think maybe 1/50 actually looked as good or better irl.
Ask them to hold up a piece of paper with current date on it , if they can’t do that tell them to get back to you when they can
It happens from time to time and likely more often as you dip your feet into the online dating world.
Things I’ve noticed to pay attention to in their profile in order to minimize the chance of this happening. (It’s not just one thing but the more points that add up the higher likelihood their profile isn’t representing them in reality)
Do they have no full body pictures? It’s so widely advised to have at least one full body pic in a profile. So either they’re not putting serious effort into their profile or actively choosing to hide something. It’s possible they’re just not wanting to post that or aren’t aware of that advice but those will be far fewer than those actively hiding something.
Angles… Are all their pics from above or some other angle? They’re likely trying to highlight the best angle which you’re not going to see unless they’re sitting on the floor while you sit on a bar stool on your date.
Do they use heavy filters? Any filter use is probably a sign to be wary but heavy filters is almost a guarantee they’re covering up something and an automatic no for me.
How grainy are the photos? Old pics come from less powerful cameras and may have been uploaded and downloaded multiple times which both will contribute to lower quality pics. Probably not a big deal if it’s of a hobby they enjoy but more of an issue when it’s them in their best dress or in a social setting.
Flowy clothing. Maybe they have a full body pic or pics but all of them show them wearing black or flowy clothing. It’s surprising how effective these are at concealing weight.
The fingers. Still can’t quite get a feel for them (probably a sign to just not pursue them at this point)? Look for their hands. Baggy / flowy or black clothing can hide some things but weight can pretty easily be seen in people’s hands and fingers.
Using one or more of the given picture slots for memes instead of themselves. 6 pics shouldn’t be that hard to come by for someone with a decent social circle or hobbies.
So you think they’re a good match, don’t seem to be disingenuous with their profile but you still can’t quite tell if they’re someone you’re going to be attracted to irl? A few options here:
maybe try and find them on IG or ask to exchange socials. Most won’t want to exchange until after a date which is pretty fair IMO so I just don’t bother here but it is an option to ask
More effective IMO is a quick video call before meeting up. It can be a good vibe check and save you some time if you see right away they’re not what you’re looking for. Again, some people aren’t going to want to do this and prefer meeting irl. Not necessarily a red flag if they’d rather not but something to be noted.
Try to pick low commitment dates so if you don’t vibe when you meet you can leave sooner than later.
NO DINNER unless you’ve been talking awhile and know you’ll be able to tolerate them for the evening.
Meeting for a drink is my preferred meeting because it’s low commitment, lower cost and many bars have a good ambiance which can help lead to a better date.
Coffee is low commitment but also tends to feel more like an interview for a lot of people and the ambiance is usually more sterile than romantic which can also bring down the overall romantic interest in one another.
For any low commitment date, you can always tack on other plans if things go well. Having a plan for what’s next will be looked upon well (unless your plan is completely out of left field)
All the time , if I ever date again I know that if im not super attracted by her pictures I probably won’t be in person
When I was on Tinder / Hinge / etc. years ago, it happened more often than I expected, but not so often that it was a problem. Women get an overwhelming amount of attention on dating sites, so a big priority for them is to filter the attention. Most of them understand that lying about their looks is only going to make the problem worse.
The most dramatic misrepresentations, by far and without exception, were about weight. I was in my late thirties when I was doing it, so you might expect women to be lying about their age, but I personally didn’t encounter it much, and never so much that I was mad or felt that my time was being wasted. I never went to meet a women and found that she was much less pretty than her pictures, either. But sometimes there were radical weight differences, even 40 pounds or more. This was before AI image manipuation, so it seemed like a lot of them built their entire profile using pictures from a much skinnier time in their life a few years prior.
> And does it change the way you pre-date (do you do anything or have any precautions put in place to avoid this happening)?
Nah, I was just polite and moved on.
Maybe 1/3 of the time the pics are seriously misleading. You can start out by trying to scrutinize the pics for hints they’re older, maybe they were taken at a bar in your town that closed down 5 years ago, or she looks different in every pic, or whatever. Also make sure there’s a clear, full body shot in there somewhere. Not hiding behind a dog or weird Myspace angle or anything like that.
Then try and find her social media, it’s usually pretty easy, and see if everything is on the up and up.
If you are unable to confirm anything above but the conversation is good, I would still go on the date, some people just suck at pics, I’ve met up with some really great women who didn’t “pass” these tests. But make sure the first date is just a casual meet and greet, like after dinner drinks on a weeknight or coffee, so you’re not investing too much into a stranger.
If you do show up and she looks comically different from her pics, I’d stay for one drink, try and at least have some decent conversation for 20 minutes, then say “I gotta take off” and not contact her again.
There’s no point in “calling her out.” All it will do is get you on one of those “tea” apps, women are fucking vicious when you hurt their feelings. and it will never benefit you in any way. High risk, zero gain. Just stay for a drink, fade vaguely into the woodwork and move on.
If you’re really worried about being catfished then don’t date strangers you’ve only interacted with online.
how do you prevent it….??
Most of the time, I have trouble recognizing the girl when we meet in real life. Women are incredibly skilled at taking pictures of themselves….they know all the tricks, angles, perfect lighting, and their best side. Men, on the other hand, are simple creatures: a smile with a fish, a smile at the gym, a smile next to their car.
Over half of the time, and frequently drastically different. And there’s not really a lot you can dov trying to get a selfie they just took is about the best you can do. Even that’s not really great to be honest.
This isn’t to say they aren’t still attractive. But when all you’re seeing are their best pictures, likely very filtered, it’s just not realistic to expect pictures that are really accurate.
I dont date, life has proven thats not an option installed in my DNA… however back when the internet started most pictures online did not look like them in real life, and today it really depends on who your going to be able to meet… most guys who cant get dates will only be able to find those who arnt that bothered and turn up either as there narcissist and “play the odds” or those that only found guys who were not great so there not bothered about looks as its a waste of time.
Ive bumped in to people locally who said OD worked real well for them, citing the same sites i use (remember they are local) where as i only had AI and “hi tell me more” spam bots to get me to pay to respond.
It boils down to your DNA, who responds and what life allows you to have as to who will be interested
I’d say like 25% of the time, they’ve looked better in person.
You can also tell by the type of pictures they take. Solo, Golden hour, pro-looking pic? Likely to be the best possible photo. A last minute pic dressed up with friends before going out? Probably not going to be the best possible photo
Other people lying to you isn’t really something you can prevent.
Every single time and whatever mental preparation goes out the window because i’m there trying to figure out if this is really the same person. Like they looked fine its just that it felt like a blind date and i get knocked entirely off my axis
Maybe 10% it’s dead on perfect. 50% of the time she’s heavier than her pics show. 39% of the time she’s not as cute. 1% of the time she looks way better than her pics.
I bake this into the cake when I’m swiping. Generally it’s not so extreme that it’s a problem because I’m careful about my swipes. Swipe left on weird angles, clearly hiding things, pics look like there might be a significant time gap between them, not enough pics, filters, no full body, etc. If there’s any question, I swipe left. Avoid the fantasy of what she could be and accept what she probably is.
I have had some major surprises along the way. Mostly with weight. Ended dates very quickly in some cases.
Just ask to facetime once you get the number and before you set up the date.
This happens a lot, but I’m also shocked at how different many women look between the pics they have on their profile.
I had a woman try to match with me that had 4 pics, all at different weights/body types.
Didn’t know what I would get, so I just didn’t bother.
LOL, often enough, that’s why I like to video chat before a first date
Just meet people in person
Often very different but I’m getting better at picking out the filters. A lot of older pics, filters and makeup really changes things
Women tend to have more photoshoots than guys whether with friends or IG and are able to get fully decked out for it where guys more look the same and take pics when they see a fun time rather than canned posed edited ones
Women catfish, fatfish and location fish all of the time.
In the business world it’s called marketing, in families and relationships it’s called lying. I’m never quite sure where one starts and the other finishes.
Unfortunately often, it’s not because a high % of people do it, it’s because those who are chronically on the apps and never lock anyone down do it.
This is different, by the way, from the reality that EVERYONE looks better on the app than in person, everyone’s choosing their best pics so you should always expect a couple notches down in person. That’s normal and doesn’t bother me.
If you look significantly different than your dating app photos, I’m running, even if you’re still attractive. I’ve had a couple dates like this, sad because they were attractive enough, but it’s just a mess when you think about it… they know what they did and are hoping to, idk, “trick” you? Or they’re just desperate enough that they will do anything to get dates and don’t think beyond that. Any explanation is a red flag so I bail.
I’ve been with many women, more than 50, but less than 100. There is only one time where I legit went “Wow you look even better than your pictures”.
Never…..I prevent it by never meeting women on apps.
Women used to look better than their picutres in the early 2010´s dating era, when badoo was an internet portal and not a shitty app.
And what I used to do is avoid the usual suspects, women with grop pictures as their main one, over the head pics to hide the double chin, etc.
They always look worse, especially if it’s just the chin up. You can’t really prevent it unless you ask directly for more recent ones.
This depends on the class lvl your dating at.. lower class equals heavy filtered pics and more lies or old pictures
Higher class more real and current pictures with less filters.
It goes hand in hand with their socioeconomic status which usually goes in hand with quality of health and drug use.
So the lower you go the more the pictures hide it.
Hmmm actually never.
I have never met anyone that didn’t look like their pictures. Maybe Im just imaginative or picky? Dont know.
This happened to me twice. You explain why you’re leaving and then you leave. Your time should be valuable and you teach the lesson that could save the next guy from wasting his time. I basically turned around and left after a minute both times and just said they don’t look like their photos and that what they pulled creeped me out. It was a rare occurrence, but it happened.
Both times they were noticeably heavier than the photos they had on display and older as well.
I’ve never seen a difference, but I’ve only used online dating for 1 day to set up 3 dates, then never used it again
Take whatever they look like in a picture and then subtract 20% that will be about how they look. In bad cases it is completely different though such as when they try and use pictures from when they started university and they are now 30+ years old or put on 100 pounds due to covid. I have never once had a woman show up and look on the level of her pictures.
My take on this is that photos are just a still shot of a person, edited or unedited. Mostly everyone edits a photo to a degree. *note, I said to a degree. I think even fb dating has a photo enhancer that just happens when you upload something.
But people are dimensional, youre going to get expressions, funny faces, weird angles and best of all, flawed features. I dont think anyone ever truly looks like their photos. Some also look better in person then in photos, vice versa.
I dont mind it. The guy I saw for a bit edits his photos, totally fine with me. I like his heart anyway 🙂
I guess I’ve been lucky with this after reading the comments. All the girls I met from tinder etc have been as good looking in their photos or better. I got lucky once and she was much better looking in person and had the best breast I have ever seen. Perfect DD comic breasts. It was glorious
Prevent it? Work in a casual video call before meeting up the first time.
Once the pictures where so far removed from the real thing that i didn’t recognize her when we met, we had some street food and parted ways in a friendly fashion without me ever mentioning the total disconnect between pictures and reality.
Two times reality was even better than the pictures and with both i had a relationship for some time.
How to prevent having disappointments: “how about a video call before we meet up to make sure we are talking about the same coffeeshop ?”, or other excuses to get her/him on video before you meet. If you want to be even more safe: Schedule an incoming call 20 minutes into the date and if you really want to break it off, pretend you have to suddenly go somewhere after the call.