I feel like a lot of guys carry things in silence,,stuff we just push through because we’re “supposed to.” Could be emotional, mental, physical, or even something simple like feeling burned out or unappreciated…
I’m genuinely curious…
What’s something you deal with quietly that you wish more people understood?
Not trying to start a pity party,,just want to open up a real conversation that maybe a few of us need right now.
Comments
Depression
The fact that it can be super hard to make deeper connections with other men, because nobody ever taught us how, and it seems like we’re all waiting for the other men to take the first step to drop the mask and show what we’re really feeling and thinking.
Loneliness – I find myself always trying to make people laugh or feel welcome around me because I hate being alone
I struggle with people expecting me to talk about my feelings and emotions, I don’t want to. I find it much more helpful to either fix the problem or engage in a physical outlet that doesn’t require talking (gym, hiking, music, fixing something etc)
We don’t function like women so stop expecting us to behave that way.
Talking about our problems and exposing our vulnerabilities makes us feel worse.
Anxiety. I go to work just fine, handle what NEEDS to be handled. Don’t wanna do yard-work because don’t want nosy neighbors bothering me. Put off grocery shopping until very last minute.
How much better the physical pain is than emotional
I’m recovering from foot surgery and so have to limp around in a boot for awhile
…the amount of empathy and kindness I feel from other people has been shocking, makes the idea of having a perpetually broken foot appealing
Everything.
How fucking lonely I am and how shit dating is.
OCD, anxiety and wanting a girlfriend again but worrying I’m too boring or not good enough.
It is impossible not to blame ourselves when an unwanted outcome occurs no matter what factors or other people are involved. Decisions made, sometimes spur of the moment by necessity, yet were life altering, will forever haunt us, and we can never forgive ourselves for them.
My father wasn’t too involved, and when he was around never taught me the things most guys seem to Just Know.
I feel like the vast majority of my adult life has been playing catch-up.
People not wanting to be friends despite my reaching out and trying to form friendships.
I have a lot of acquaintances. Probably 100 or so. People I speak to on a regular basis. However, nothing ever goes deeper than a few texts here and there.
I’m okay with it. Of course. I’m a man. Same thing with relationships. I have a Rolodex of WYD girls, nothing deep.
I suppose I’ve given up on finding a real relationship. They just seem so childish and silly to me. You already know how they will end.
So I guess the struggle for me is being lonely sometimes. Then I get laid, drink some wine, hit the gym, go to work and let it that loneliness sink to the bottom of my mind. Of course there’s money problems but that’s just a given so not worth mentioning.
Constantly having stuff demanded of me, with little to no reward. Work pays me at least, kids are kids, wife is demanding and unrewarding
I held in my anger/ trauma about being circumcised for many decades, it’s just amazing that boys/men are just supposed to accept their fate without any emotional support or discussion, it’s bad enough it was done, but to just expect the kid to default to be fine with is psychologically crazy.
We are literally depending on a specific trauma and denial response of “my parents did this so it must be good, so I won’t question it”, but what happens if that response doesn’t get triggered like that?
I’ve always hated it, just the entire idea of it is gross to me, I’ve since restored my foreskin but still dealing with the emotional pain. I just don’t know how other people just accept their fate, I cannot understand it
Worrying that one day I won’t be good enough for my fiance and she’ll desert me like everyone else in my life. It’s by far the best relationship I’ve ever had and she’s pretty much my only reason for happiness and my reason to live.
I don’t actually think it would happen, but it still nags at me somewhere in the back of my mind
How genuinely sad I am at times, and how lonely I am. I’ll joke about it, I’ll Tweet about it when I’m high. But I don’t talk about it openly in person, even to my therapist. Seeing my friends, my family, all get into serious relationships over the last year or two while I continue to fuck every chance I get up. There’s some stuff out of my control, but that doesn’t mean I won’t blame myself. I feel loved by friends and family, but I want to feel loved romantically.
My parents split, and I sometimes feel like I don’t know who to talk to sometimes about certain things. Because then a ‘Oh why are you telling them instead of me, or do you not trust me’ kind of situation.
Been suicidal for over twenty years. It’s likely to be the thing that gets me, sooner or later. I made this Reddit account to talk about it because I’m just not going to talk about it with friends and loved ones. Just, one day I’ll be gone, and if I can help it no one will notice anything different beforehand.
I… will never be enough. I’ve made money, lost money. Been a community beacon and a pariah. Not a single thing I can ever accomplish would ever be enough for the women I love.
Expressing my feelings.
I wouldn’t say I have a problem with it, but in my relationship there’s not much room for my feelings – my wife and her issues take up all the space.
Having a covert narcissist ex… People don’t understand until they’ve been through it.
Watch out for these signs:
Many people just dump/divorse these people and try to move on. But if you really get to see them without the mask on… These people are soul sucking demons. They feed on control and manipulation… probably 1/10 people reading this are one. It’s kinda scary. Watch some YouTube on it. Could help a lot of people who have narcissistic people in their lives.
Not feeling like I’m enough, inadequacy, futility.
i’m just broke, but i’m broke in Denmark…
How starved I am for love
How difficult it is to make friends. I moved from the state I grew up in (24 years). I’ve been in a new state for 8 years now and have not made a single friend that’s lasted. Only friendships I’ve made were short term and circumstantial to a job or apartment.
The expectation that our needs are meant to go unspoken or need to be met on our own. We’re not supposed to talk about our feelings, and if we do, we’re being bitches. I find myself venting to strangers on accident because people near us don’t expect it from us if it’s not something we’ve spent years cultivating. The world sees us a certain way and if we don’t meet that we’re not real men.
How judgemental the world can be towards men now. I find myself to bw pretty polite and trying to keep chivalry alive. My partner will often tell me how I can come off the wrong way because I smile at strangers, hold doors open, etc. Are other men really that shitty to women that being genuinely nice is alarming?
That I barely receive any hugs, last time I remember was two years ago. A gesture as simple as a hug can break all my facade.
I’d tell you, but….
Never feeling good enough, or more accurately that something I have done is good enough and I do view myself as a bit of failure.
My parents say that I’m too hard on myself and I kind of feel like I should be harder on myself in some aspects.
My old classmates have been quite a lot more successful, one has had both a BMW F90 M5 and a F87 M2 Competition (I’m very jealous of him, but not in a bad way, he was one of the most hardworking people I have met, he deserves it and I’m also happy for him). Another old classmate works on Mercedes-AMG cars, also a really hardworking, passionate guy, who worked his way up (although I’m not that jealous, because I can’t stand Mercedes cars and I never want work on one ever again).
Another old classmate has very nice E93 335i (N54), personally I would probably go for a E92 instead, but it is a very nice car.
While I am very grateful and happy with my two Volvo’s, I would like to feel like I have made some progress in my career life, get a decent job and stop living of my savings (another thing I’m super fortunate to be able to do, for now).
But it turns I’m pretty much worthless as absolutely no one wants to hire junior developers, companies even brag about not hiring junior developers and seemingly would rather have unfulfilled roles, than to hire a junior developer (this isn’t just my experience, I know 5 very talented junior developers who also struggles with the unreasonable job market), all while fucking taunting us with constant complaints about not finding developers to hire. I’m kind of thinking about starting my own company to release the software I have written / I am writing, in an attempt to bypass the hurdle of efficiency being seen as worthless.
I’m also back to school I went and I’m so far doing pretty good in school, which worries me somewhat, I’m concerned that it will negatively affect me and make me too cocky. But I’m not sure it is something I want to work with, although I’m not really in a position where I could turn down a good job offer after the course.
I have also been advised to apply for a Cobalt course, as that completely out dated programing language, still used by the finance sector, is something that I find interesting and most people who are knowledgeable in that language are retiring at mass as we speak. Putting companies in a position where they might themselves realize that they need to hire junior developers.
Depression & Anxiety.
Can’t really talk to anybody since they all expect you to be leading or something along that line.
Female here. I’ve been trying to reply to as many of you as I can. A lot of you sound very similar. Under appreciated, unloved, lonely, depressed, anxious and uncertain about life. I’ve been through a lot. I’m not old but I’m in my early 40s.
Y’all, put your chin up. Find just one thing you’re good at and start with that. It’ll give you confidence. It’ll start rolling in after that. I doubt that most of you are as horrible as you’re making yourselves out to be. You have to find the right person. Don’t force it. I was in my 30’s before I found my soulmate. My mom was in her 40’s. Relationships aren’t easy. It’s something you have to fight for. Even after 10 years we have to work through tough issues. Everyone doesn’t think alike so there will be conflict. But that’s when you work through it, find your faults, respect each others opinions and learn from mistakes. If you’re both mature you will thrive.
If you haven’t found the one, let it happen organically. That’s how I found mine. Don’t force it. I don’t like dating apps and the fb pages I’m on have reinforced that they are garbage. Be your best self for when your perfect woman comes in to your life. AND DONT BE CYNICAL. It’ll happen. Just be patient ok? Also, don’t believe all these TikTok marriages. They go through shit just like we do.
Loneliness
Making any kind of effort, I hate doing it. Through a combination of bad parenting and negative experiences I’ve learned that trying has a 100% failure rate and often leads to consequences.
I really, really want to just drop everything and just leave. Everything I’m seeing from American society right now just seems like a thinly veiled attempt to get us to use most of our time working meaningless jobs, not for our fellow working class human beings, but jobs that make the rich richer; to get us to waste our lives for a system that’d chew us up and spit us out onto the streets the second we truly, not superficially, question and challenge the ethics of it. I genuinely just want to leave it all behind and go complete a full hike across the entire country, and I’ve been thinking about this for a while. I want to experience what it’s like to truly be human; without all of the bs that our propagandous society tells us we have to care about.
BUT, here’s where the struggle comes in, I still have stuff I care about where I’m at. One part of me is a curious explorer, a man who seeks higher meaning and purpose; while another part of me is a caretaker, the empathetic type, and I’m conflicted on which side I want to be for the next year or so. I really am.
This wasn’t really something I could describe in a word. I’d describe this feeling as more of an essay than a word that I could slap on a therapy ad.
Insecure of my body and trauma
I feel like I rarely talk about most of the things I struggle with. Most of the people I know are massively struggling in life at the moment. If you see someone struggling to carry their burden, it seems cruel to load your burdens on too.
How difficult it is to meet new people. Moved to a new city for a great job opportunity a year ago, only briefly dated one girl since and have one or two acquaintances I see like once every two months. It sucks. Would never have moved here if I could go back.
Motivating myself to do basic human/adult tasks (consistently)
Communicating and enforcing my (not so big) boundaries like household chores with my flatmate or overstepping jokes from my friends
I know i should do/be able to do all that. But it feels so hard sometimes
What to do next.
I followed the path the best I could. Now what? I know the typical advice is to try to accomplish some desire or goal, but I seriously have nothing in mind.
I want sex, and I’m a bit tired of being seen as a monster for wanting it.
Giving a shit about anything
How some of us grew up being raised in way that’s not compatible with lots of other people around our age. This leads to us needing to improvise, and we might not have a lot of friends. Even if we are well adjusted having friends is also a way that vets us. While people might not always assume that you are some prick, depressed, etc, it feels like most people are content with the friends they have.
There’s just so much talk about how sociable we need to be, only to have so many other people around our age or what have you not really do that stuff themselves. It’s like the sort of stuff some of us might have heard about growing up, that sort of hugbox sort of community. (for the lack of a better word). Trying to cut corners and hang with other people who want to camp out at those personal milestones. I’m not saying that everyone should be the sort of person the push sort of tiger parents might have tried to make their kids out to be. At times it feels like I have to jump through way more hoops and it’s not about being the best you can be.
Like at times it feels like I’m like Worf or Odo from Star Trek are to people outside of the senior staff. (But more sociable, if I’m really comparing myself to those characters). Some people just don’t find me as approachable or dislike that I’m not like the people they are used to. Even though it’d be pretty easy to get to know me and all that. I’m this 6ft muscle bound Dave Grohl looking metalhead who surfs, and that’s a look. It’s really hit or miss with the people I meet.
It’s almost a catch 22, with how trying to make the first move and reach out gets some people reacting like it’s this outlandish thing. Or really feels off to really be open about all of this, like I have to qualify/word it a certain way in order for people to actually listen. Or of it’s more of it’s a matter of checking certain boxes to show that you are “struggling enough.” or it’s about not meeting some idealized standard of what a man should be.
Don’t get me wrong I do meet people who I vibe with here and there online, and sometimes irl. Yet part of me feels like it’s such a positive interaction because they know that they are gonna go ghost the next day. Like we didn’t have such a natural conversation/interaction. (This being online). It feels like I’d be a bother if I tired to reach out and stick the landing. People seem to be content with the friends they have. Sometimes even the more casual interactions online feeling strained when they shouldn’t. (I’m not being pushy, it’s not late, etc. )
I appreciate the kind words, respect and how mature your response is. I honestly agree with you and I apologize. I didn’t see it from y’all’s perspective. I’ve rarely ever had to chase a man. So I can see where that would be a struggle. The times I did pursue I was turned down and it was definitely humbling. I understand the rejection or fear but I know I don’t fully understand. I meant organically as in someone you work with, through a friend or somewhere other than a dating app. But I still agree that it’s usually the male that initiates everything. Thank you for the insight because I really never thought this deep into it from y’all’s perspective.
The only thing I can offer is what has caught my attention. Someone authentic, a kind soul and genuine. Someone calm and confident. Even if you aren’t confident, fake it until you feel confident.
We can tell when a guy is coming off as anything otherwise, such as someone just trying to have a one night stand. A lot of times we like toxic guys, and we thrive on the games and superficial encounters. But it gets old, quick. Be your true self. If some girl rejects you for being real or thinks you’re corny, she’s not worth your time. Whatever your true self is, someone will think is sweet, cherish what you offer and won’t take it for granted
I realized a few weeks before that I lack a lot of affection, almost everything in my life is pretty cool, I have awesome friends, my job is cool, I don’t have money issue but sentimentally it’s pretty empty (sexually too but it’s less important to me)
Childhood trauma and the complex-PTSD that came from it. A hoarding father with narcissistic personality disorder, who was also my primary “caretaker”. Receiving neglect and being used, and witnessing emotional verbal and financial abuse of my mom. Managing their unfiltered anxiety and depression. All without any community ties or family or childhood friends. It’s just a soup of “terrible” and “fucked up” that I stumbled out of into adulthood and truly nobody understands, it’s almost impossible to talk about (especially in this highly sheltered career track of academia I’ve chosen). Thinking of joining a c-PTSD support group of some sort because these things are a part of me and it’s incredibly painful to feel like I have to hide them all the time.
Honestly, from the comments I’ve read… Guys, you all matter. Finding friendship can get more difficult as you get older (depending) where you go to hang out and / or how introverted or extroverted you are. We all deal with things we pack so deeply down inside, and I think it’s great we discuss it and let it out! Cry it out if you need to. Relationships aren’t easy either. My buddy is also going through the same thing, so you all are not the only ones. Hope you all have a great day and always welcome new friends.
I might be legitimately dumb, for real, like I luckily turned out reasonably not unattractive, an extrovert and was given the gift of gab, or else I legit feel Id be useless – I don’t know how to do shit except talk to people & pay those that do know how to do shit.
Importers syndrome
YES!!! I love this..
Men have been shaped into having to be this tough, can’t show emotions and having to prove their “manliness”.. I am always so open and willing to make sure men feel they can express themselves because I find they don’t have a proper vessel to do so.. be it old school parents, trauma, sexually confused, men are expected to be this certain type of something.. I feel bad.
I remember watching the monsters series about Jeffery Dahmer and thinking about all the male victims and how they all didn’t really get justice.. and also how uncomfortable it made men these days watching it.. I feel like men need to be more okay with asking for help/ expressing themselves
Go fishing or play video games. The struggle is real.
I’m constantly feeling like I’m not good enough for deep connections with friends. Especially It’s so fucking hard to be vulnerable in person and the one time I did, that person, over time, stopped talking to me.
I’m 26 and never had a girlfriend. I might have been close a few times, but there’s always something that gets in the way and sabotages it. And that something is me in one way or another.
I’ve made terrible decisions in the past that has resulted in me not being where I wanted to be in life currently. While I’m working on it bit by bit, I’m still having an outright terrible time reconciling with my past failures.
I’ve signed up for therapy/counseling to see whether it could help. But yeah, those are the most pressing matters I’m dealing with rn. Alongside others
Learning how to organize my shit. Most people have a train of thought, I have a dog sled. Quick and nimble in most situations, SQUIRREL!
The seemingly never-ending list of tasks to do. Being expected to make decisions, come up with solutions that appease everyone and the decision fatigue that comes with it.