EDIT: Thanks so much to all the responses. Out of curiosity, I read through all the replies so far and tallied up the responses into one of three categories, as you’ll see below.
36 responders said they open up to at least one male friend in their life.
66 responders said they do not, for various reasons.
4 responders said some variant of “I don’t, but if something serious really happened, I trust my guy friends would support me”
I was going to also tally up out of all the “nos” how many thought there was some kind of positive or negative valence, but tbh that might’ve been a little too subjective to be a meaningful tally. So I’ll let readers judge for themselves.
— Original Post Below —
I (30F) was having a discussion with my husband (28M) and he was saying how he would never imagine needing to “support” his male friends emotionally. I’m obviously not a man and would never claim any authority or knowledge on ideal male friendships, but I am often around nerdy communities of primarily men and find radically varying opinions on the matter.
I’ve been around primarily male friend groups that do try to support each other emotionally. It’s not exactly the same as a female groups, but it seems to suffice the needs of those individuals enough. But I also find that it varies group to group – some guy groups never talk about their emotions and exclusively turn to women for that kind of support. Some seem to be quite willing and open to talk about their difficult struggles.
I gave a bit of gentle pushback to my husband, asking him, “If you would never give them any emotional support, is it possible that you’re just signaling to them that you’re unwilling to be supportive and they’ve learned not to trust you?” He seemed to be actually unsure, but his answer was “I’d be very surprised if that were the case, because I don’t even know what emotional support would look like. I’ve never desired that.”
So, men over 30, I’d like to hear from you. Do you find emotional support from male friend groups? Is that something you even feel a need for? If you don’t have that support from a male friend group, where do you go for support, if anywhere?
Comments
Please do not delete your post after receiving your answer. Consider leaving it up for posterity so that other Redditors can benefit from the wisdom in this thread.
Once your thread has run its course, instead of deleting it, you can simply type “!lock” (without the quotes) as a comment anywhere in your thread to have our Automod lock the thread. That way you won’t be bothered by anymore replies on it, but people can still read it.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
>“Men over 30, how often are you willing/able to seek emotional support from your friends?”
Never.
“If you would keep your secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.” — Benjamin Franklin (1706–1790), American polymath (i.e., writer, scientist, inventor, statesman, diplomat, printer, publisher and political philosopher)
I cant recall ever having sought emotional help from anyone.
Take for example, right now my best mates kidneys are packing up, i know about it, but we don’t talk about it.
I imagine it stresses him out quite a lot, i will wager he doesn’t talk to anyone else about it either, not even his wife. Ive known him since 1st grade, he will suffer in silence and reject any attention. Im the same.
There really is nothing more annoying than being sick as a dog, or in pain, or stressed out of your mind and having someone faffing over you every 5 minutes.
If i really need help i will ask but it will be my very last resort
Me and bro will carry on like nothing is wrong even while going to pieces, thats plenty support,
If your a man, with this mentality still, then you haven’t evolved
I’m all to happy to cry infront of other men… I’m all to happy to occasionally show my emotions. But for the better part of my life, I need to be a man and get on with it. It’s nothing to do with pride, it makes me haply to be a man but only if I have trusted friends to help every now and then.
Now imagine going your whole life without that outlet, without other men who understand the struggles of our manly identity and helped me. Nobody has
But I won’t sit their like OPs man and pretend like up all up to scratch but then again, in my experience, men who op is married to are actually emasculated. I’ll fight any man who tries to bully me because I cry. This is why I won’t date anyone my own age. Women my age don’t understand shit
Varies. I think a large part is as you say, not exactly the same as female groups. I wouldn’t specifically turn to female friends rather than male friends, although I’m lucky to have both, plus I’m married, so my wife would generally be my first point of contact for support. Some random thoughts I work through internally, some externally. Sometimes I want to at least talk stuff through with someone, other times just being around friends and talking our usual nonsense is enough to lift my mood, feel connected, etc. It would certainly feel awkward actively reaching out to someone telling them I need to lean on them, but I’m not entirely averse to the concept.
I’ve had two couple friends in the past year or so go through horrendous stuff, and I’m closer with the men than the women, but have discussed it with both quite openly when the opportunity has presented itself. They’ve not actively “needed” my support, but I certainly believe in giving people the opening – like I said above, I suspect a lot of the time what holds people back is not wanting to be a “burden”, or feeling awkward, or similar. Someone else getting the ball rolling opens the door.
Some men I know are very open about things, others aren’t. Friend of mine lost his dad recently, and we don’t meet up all that often any more due to general life getting in the way, but he actively suggested meeting up for lunch and clearly wanted to vent a bit. I don’t doubt I could do the same to him, although I’m fortunate that there’s not much in life on that scale (yet) that I feel I need active “support” for. I don’t think any male friends of mine have an old-school “never show weakness” mentality, but I can certainly think it’s a slightly stereotypical male trait to be slightly less forthcoming, vulnerable, whatever.
I was a teenager when my mum died so all my friends saw me in extreme pain and vulnerability and lost and scared and I think maybe because of that, as we have aged and they’ve had traumatic experiences they’ve often leaned on me for support and advice. My closest friend, his dad died when he turned 30 and he called me that night and told me “mate, I’m really going to need your help getting through this because I don’t know what I’m meant to do”
So yeah maybe a bit of unique circumstances but when needed I’ll seek emotional support from friends and vice versa. Nothing worse than bottling that shit up, all that does is ensure that at some time in the future, someone you care about is going to be on the receiving end of that shit coming out.
Never, but that’s because I don’t have friends.
33/M, 34 in October. I’m “part” of 3 friend’s circles. One with another 2 creatives, one of which I’ve known for 25 years and another for 10+. My uni friends, then friends from home/school.
The uni friends and I occasionally have a lunch catch up call, which started as a tradition during lockdown then we’ve kept it up. We actually spent our most recent one talking about attachment styles as one was about to break-up with a girl for her being avoidant, ha.
The group chat of us 3 creatives, has us fairly emotionally tapped in. I could open up to them at any point.
The group from back home, are comfortable and familiar but still have a little too much arrested development at points. When we meet up we have the same night in, same jokes, same games played, memes shared etc. It’s familiar but feels like a step into a time machine, for better or worse. It’s slowly improving in that regard but it’s how I’d imagine most situations are for guys. Silly stuff for the friends, serious stuff for the partners.
Overall, I do feel really lucky to have these groups overall, and hope I’m cherished in them as much as I cherish them.
It’s just not a thing for guys so far as I’m aware. Men generally want to solve their own problems rather than depend on distributed cognition in my experience.
I don’t even have friends anymore. 😀 In the last 8 years I only worked and haven’t got time for friendships. Adulthood is pretty sad if you ask me.
I have 1 friend outside of work. He’s just as busy and depressed as I am. All I got is my talk therapist every other week.
Don’t know what either side would look like, giving or receiving (hur hur) support.
You’ve implied support is talking about emotions with another but that barely comes up as an occasion let alone a need.
I’ve never been hesitant to discuss whatever emotions were relevant at any given time; “This movie will transform your soul, this game has a good storyline about honor.”
I’m unsure what support would look like or what talking has to do with it. What needs support?
Non, never
I have learned this year that it is ok to be vulnerable, mainly on myself or with family, but I have 2 friends I can be completely open with, which is nice to have. Before this year, I would have never spoken to any of my friends about any issues that really bug me, so I am happy to have found out that it is possible.
Edit: M35
Never talked to them about anything
As often as I need to.
I have a couple of large groups of close friends and I am comfortable going to any and all of them for emotional support as needed. I have done so more than once for each of them.
They all know I have their back too and each of them at least once has come to me for emotional support and/or guidance.
Never. I’ve never wanted to. I’m far too private. My wife is the only one who ever sees that side if me. No one else. It isn’t that they wouldn’t support me, I simply would never share it with them.
I can, and do, ask emotional support from my friends. About once every 6 months, I think. I also give it to friends in need. We’re at the age where our parents are getting quite old, so it’s good to check in.
I personally find it hard talking to another man because of past trauma. I used to have a female best friend but since I turned 30 or maybe even earlier, I have nobody because everyone is too busy or they just don’t want me around, plain and simple. I tried opening up to friend a couple of months ago but haven’t heard from them since, which makes me even more reluctant to try again but I also don’t know how much more of this I can take, especially by myself and my family is useless. Today, my dad is lying in bed instead of going to a physio appointment but will later in the week be complaining because his hips hurt and don’t work. One thing for dam sure is that I will never let myself become a burden like he has to his kids.
Ive always been very open with my work mates, ive found once you show them youre an ok bloke to talk to about stuff, they open up too.
A lot of men, especially younger guys are very emotionally intelligent, they can express themselves well, they just live in a society that wants them to be something else.
Once men put the image and ego aside, youll find genuinely deep and rich connection and conversations about family and life.
Ill also add, a lot of women dont want to hear what actually needs to be said, as a lot of men have experienced emotional abuse from women, a lot from their own mothers. Youll often find men dont share with women because theyve had women use it against them, to belittle them, to hurt them, tell them theyre weak or not men.
These are the stories youll often find behind closed off boys and men.
I dont know any person worthy of such, man or woman.
personally, i take cues from the other person.
i’m a pretty mellow and stoic person. i rarely “need” to open up and i don’t find it common that i have any issues anyone else can help me with. if i did, and i thought talking to someone would help me, i wouldn’t hesitate to do it. but as an employed adult, i don’t often “need” others.
that said, i’m a gay man, and my partner (long-term, monogamous) is one of the most emotional men i’ve ever met. he cries often, usually at least once a day, sometimes over music, over movies, over me not saying good morning to him in the same tone as usual. he talks about his emotions, fears, and troubles readily with the right people. myself, his close friends. never family. i don’t feel this makes him any less of a man.
my dad is also pretty emotionally open with me. he’ll talk about his marriage woes, health fears, and concerns about the state of the world very readily.
with both of these men i’m pretty open in return and in the rare times i’ve sought guidance, i’ll go to them and get plenty of understanding and support.
i really don’t think this is a man thing as much as it is a socially logistical thing. the truth is my other friends and co-workers just wouldn’t be appropriate places for me to vent emotional disturbances, or seek comfort. when there is a logically sound place to do that, and it’s needed, i usually do.
on the flip side, i don’t really fathom how some women air their emotions. my sisters and mother always seem so emotionally reactive in a way that’s so foreign to me.
I recently have, and if anyone asked for emotional support I would give it without a second thought, as I have in the past. I had a hard time asking for it but I knew I needed to talk about something with someone, and it helped a lot. We also get and give emotional support indirectly, which I think a lot of people maybe don’t realize. You can be feeling bad about something, and hanging out with people you know would have your back does help even if you don’t talk about it. Guys don’t really seek support for the small things though, and I do think it would be a bit weird if one did frequently (as backwards as that sounds when I put it in words) but it would just be so out of place that it would make it seem like there was another issue there, some kind of unhealthy need for attention or validation. You also need to be friends with guys for a long time to consider opening up to them, but I’ve been friends with most of my friends for 20+ years. Unfortunately a lot of guys don’t have that kind of friendship. Maybe I also have a higher bar for who I would call my friend as well, as opposed to just a guy I know.
No point. No one gives a damn anyways
41
(Almost) Never
And sometimes it can be difficult. But you become used to this total selfsufficiency
41M, Australia; middle class progressive. My whole friendship group is tertiary educated professional.
I’ve been provided emotional support by my friendship group without even knowing I could benefit from it and its always there when I ask for it.
Culturally however I’ve found that the she/hers in my life (my mother and partners) demand emotional support but refuse to provide it; why this intersec dynamic exists I can only speculate. I’m not sure if the latter caused the former but I’m sure as hell glad the former exists given the latter.
Friends? Over thirty? You must be mistake.
I’ve got a friend group of 5 other guys on a group chat. We talk about everything and nothing in there. If any of us are struggling with anything we can address it and discuss further in the chat or in person.
Not often at all. Not because I don’t need support – I often do – but because they’re not my therapists and I deal with clinical issues that professionals should be dealing with. I honestly end up getting most of my emotional support from kind strangers on the internet and I find that easier to deal with because it’s anonymous, it’s opt in and it goes exactly as far as both parties want – if I start to get too much, they can just stop and move on with their lives. My friends are invested in me and would get really, really hurt if I put it all out there and then proceeded to…still never get better, because I simply don’t have the ability or resources too. They know I have troubles, but I don’t tell them the worst of it because I want to be as little of a burden as I can, at least before I leave. That’s the only kindness I can offer: not dragging my damage to their doorstep and overwhelming them too.
Gotta say, this thread is pretty rough – feel for guys that don’t have this, because it’s great. My bros and I talk to and are vulnerable with each other all the time – I’ve known most of them for coming on 20 years, and it has always been this way. It might be because the broader group is mixed-gender, so we’ve never been ‘lads, lads, lads’ types, and we used to be a bunch of stoners back in the day so deep chats were always a part of things. The women in the group are also great, but it’s good to have guys that you can talk to about guy-specific stuff.
I do this occasionally. I have different friends for different topics. I don’t think men should share problems too frequently.
Never learned how to. So instead I just overshare to strangers while high
Men most of the time don’t get emotional support from other male friends, because men are not in touch with their feelings and emotions like females are
Every man knows a problem shared is a problem doubled.
I swear I need to charge for therapy sessions the amount of feelings that get spilled out in the barber chair. A lot of men don’t even realize how much stress they end up releasing. Some do, and look forward to our weekly or bi-weekly therapy session lol
I will say I do encounter men that are obviously super stressed out and miserable but seem like they were taught not to talk about it.
I’m glad to apart of this new movement of men not being afraid to show emotion.
Absolutely. Its not like we disc golf because we’re good at it. Hanging in the woods and chatting about life and problems we’re having is cathartic. To me it feels selfish to rely on your partner for all your emotional discussions. And who doesn’t want to support your friends?
We’re men… This is part of the journey. We go where the work is. Community is who ever is around us at the time. emotional support is close to 0.
Simply bc it never goes well with the significant other. Other males have not experienced that type of trauma and can’t give advice. Others are working through it. All info gets weaponized.
Male emotions might turn into aggression bc some don’t know how to process this information. If you look at kids it’s common to see.
Lack of mentors, fathers end up just working and never around. Friends basically move and get married. Support group is 0 or surface level.
Man’s life = girl generally complain about money. Boss treats us like junk no fair pay. Friends could be frenemies. Gov says we’re lazy, low testosterone, fat and gay.
What helps is working more, keep building, grinding. Emotions are third or fourth priority.
Look at your dad, Grandpa. Both are going to be stoic AF. Broken families are normal now. If you came from a well off family it’s slightly different.
I do from very very close male friends. I triwd with some women friends but struggle with that as sometimes what they do to support just backfires so I pull away until I am more settled. Foe the most part I stick to myself and deal with it alone.
I’ve supported and been supported by male friends too many times to count but it is fundamentally different than my female friends.
With male friends, its rarely an emotional conversation and much more of a release through distraction kind of deal? I dont know if that makes sense to you.
By and far, the best conversations I’ve had where I walk away feeling better have been with female friends and contacts.
As far as I can tell, emotional support seems to be mostly having someone listen to you complain. I don’t want to complain about the problem, I want to fix it. If it can’t be fixed, I don’t want to dwell on it, I just want to get on with things. I do not enjoy talking just for the sake of talking.
I think my idea of emotional support differs from my wife. First, no man wants to burden others, even if they should or it’s “healthy.” Talking about my emotions to other men would possibly make them avoid me out of pity. Instead, I vent and commiserate in a way that includes them. I don’t talk about “my” problems. I talk about “our” problems. If I need advice, I will ask for it directly. I don’t throw out my feelings and hope they can find a problem and a solution for me. If I need a hug, I’m not asking a friend, I’m asking family. If I don’t have family, I’ll forgo the hug to keep the friend.
39m. I have a weekly men’s Bible study that is half the time a support group for life issues. All the married men have no where else to talk about marriage problems. It’s the only place i talk to people IRL about being single my whole life.
When I need it, I have several friends and family members I know I can turn to for support. Day to day I lean on my wife a lot, as she does with me. We’re a team and sometimes I do more emotional labor than her, sometimes she takes the reins. Before I found her I had my animals and probably talked to my friends more.
Men supporting men emotionally is heterosexual macho taboo.
We talk about life.. A few of us because we are in similar life paths with kids career etc.
We do not emotionally support each other, but we do talk about what is going on in life, kids, etc. and I guess you can look at it like a check-up lol.
I wouldn’t use that time or conversation to discuss my current emotional state and needs because I have never felt the need to do it personally.
I have a best friend that ive known most of my life. 1, maybe 2 times we have had to emotionally lean on eachother. For the most part we just handle our own and thats how we prefer it
I moved for work at 26 and never made a male friend again after that point, unfortunately. Thankfully my wife and I have a great relationship, but it’s true that I absolutely have no one else to go to. It just is what it is.
You guys have friends??
What friends?
Some really disappointing responses here.
As men we’re taught from an early age not to be vulnerable, always to our own detriment. This sub shouldn’t be supporting that idea.
I’m very lucky to have a close group of around 4 guys who speak nearly every day (active group chat). Of course it’s 95% guy stuff, but it’s also a very open, safe space to discuss hardship and struggle.
I understand that it’s a strong, perhaps unique support system that not everyone has access to. I’m very lucky. But I’m confident that it’s made me emotionally and mentally stronger, as well as offered significant growth in my own self awareness.
My friend group has dissolved over time. Plenty of “friendly associates” where when I’m around we’re hanging out and cutting up, but we aren’t making plans together or anything. I have a ton of people I get along with, but I don’t have any I’d lean on for emotional support.
That said, if I need to move a couch, or if I need a hand, in an emergency, whatever…I probably have 20 guys that’d show up with a phone call.
I have had friends come over at 1:00 in the morning when they work at 4:00 just to support me through breakups. I have and would again do the same for them in a heartbeat. My buddy and I meet up every Thursday to just have some drinks and talk about shit going on in life. Sometimes that’s video games. Sometimes it’s work. Sometimes it’s something deeper. We’re both in our 30s and this has been the state of our friendship for years.
Respectfully, your husband just kinda sounds like a dick
Never asked or got asked back. I had last “emotional” conversation when i was 12 at school psychologist for some stupid shit i did as a kid and after that, for next 17y im on my own in this department. Nobody can help you if you don’t help yourself first. But at that point, why even ask for help when i can sort everything myself.
There doesn’t seem to be difficulties for my friends to get real with emotional stuff when necessary. The women will check up on me regularly, and the guys are available whenever you need them you just need to initiate. There are stereotypes that certain men can’t do this based on cultural/upbringing reasons, but I haven’t found this to be the case. Rich friends, hood friends, religious friends, atheist friends, even the ones that are polar opposites when it comes to politics tend to put each other over any of that other stuff in my experience
Been there. I couldn’t find a single male friend that could give me decent advice. Thankfully a few female friends listened to me.
I have a group of friends since high school, we still talk over discord, we talk almost every day, it’s definitely emotional support, we just don’t call it that specifically.
I don’t have support from a male friend group because i don’t have friends and even if i did i’d never burden them with my issues. I go nowhere for support and just deal with it.
Yeah definitely and I do everything I can to make sure my friends feel the same way.
You gotta be totally honest with someone
I consider myself very lucky. As I’ve gotten older I’ve pushed hard to open up to people whether they find it awkward or not; whether I find it awkward or not. What I’ve learned is the more you do it, the more those people tend to follow your lead and become open to it themselves. I have very close friends of both sexes and we often keep in close contact and go to each other if shit hits the fan. I’ve become a hell of a lot more emotionally stable and centred, of course it’s always going to be a work in progress, but you just have to force it until it becomes normality.
What I have also learned is that the people I have confided in learn how you think and vice versa. There have been many instances lately where certain friends have had something go on, call me and say something akin to, “X has happened and I know you’re good with talking through this stuff so I came to you for advice”, etc. it’s a different life to how I was in my twenties.
Never ever ever.
Whenever I need it, which, thankfully, is not very often.
Having said that, I will always go to my wife first.
Friends? Who has time for that…
I do not burden my friends with my problems
There’s one thing that you need to understand about men, because we live different lives than women. We are told from a young age that we need to toughen up, and that showing emotions makes us weak. Men have friends, and men also have the boys. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, no one has your back like the boys do not even your wife. Our emotions are used against us in relationships frequently, so we’re very careful who we show them around, and if your man shows you them, and you turn it around on him, he will never open up to you again.
When I was going through a divorce at 42, my old Navy buddies really stepped up for me. One even drove 8 hours to eat breakfast with me. Without them stepping up, I would’ve made different choices and not be here today.
Your bf hasn’t experienced debilitating pain yet. He will. And he’ll get a crash course on how important emotional support is. If he is a great friend, and has built up true friends, not acquaintances, he’ll be supported. If he only has acquaintances or left friends hanging, he’ll be by himself. It’s through difficult times where people and friendships grow and bond. I didn’t see it at his age, but I definitely do now, being twice his age. His life will look nothing like it does in 25 years, which will be here in the snap of a finger.
Emotional support as in the football team they support just lost 5-0 to local rivals? All the time!
Emotional support as in they are going through a horrible divorce? I don’t think I would be able to even if I tried.
I’ve given it, but when my mom was murdered I was left on an island of my own thoughts and feelings because no one knew what to do or say. So they just shut it down without saying a word. Therefore, I locked everything away and swallowed my feelings and volunteered to deploy to Afghanistan and went to training for a few months some quick language schools and then gone for a year.
If you’re like oh f that wasn’t the right thing to do, well you’re absolutely right.
I’m currently giving it to my friend who’s going through a divorce and advocating for a reasonable dissolution but he’s blinded by his anger and isn’t really listening.
Personally, i feel like large emotional support is better suited for a therapist and not your friends. They’re not equipped to handle such a taxing load.
I don’t know about emotional support from various ‘friend groups’, but for me it comes down to 1 or 2 individual friends that I am able to receive support from.
Let’s be honest.. a lot of dudes are just like large pieces of driftwood on the beach… heavy, emotionally lethargic, and as communicative as a large piece of wood. These are not the guys that you find yourself looking for any kind of support from, of even wanting to talk about anything of a sensitive nature.
But, if you look around there are usually a couple of guys who are more in tune, and these are the ones that you can let it all out with.
Honestly, approaching 50 and I don’t need emotional support from my friends. I have issues obviously but I usually deal with them myself. If the issues involve my partner, we’ll talk them out.
I think if you’re looking for groups of guys to get all emotional and eat chocolate ice cream with one another while they watch cheesy movies on a rainy day while one of them cries about something you’re not going to see many men do that, at all.
I feel like we process things a little different but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong, it’s just different. My best friend and work partner over the last twenty years is someone I also lift weights with. I’ve unpacked and unloaded some of the heaviest shit, only for him to say, “That sucks. It’s your turn to squat,” and that’s pretty much what I’d expect from any of my male friends and it’s enough for me.
X I would agree with your husband. Emotional support isn’t something that I think many men even require or desire. Of course there are times where they might want to have a conversation about things in their lives but in terms of having some type of group, no I don’t think that would even exist.x
I’m 40, and I broke up with my partner of 14 years in December last year. I was pretty devastated, and was fortunate to receive a huge amount of emotional support from a number of different male friends. I’ve also provided emotional support to my friends when they have needed it.
That said, I’m from a very progressive and leftist social circle where men having and expressing emotions is welcomed. Which to be fair is a big part of why I’ve chosen these men as my friends.
I mean when I tried to talk about becoming disabled, most of them just stopped replying. So I don’t really have friends any more
I’m gen x so I suspect the majority of us blokes that were raised by the boomers are somewhat hesitant to share feelings, specially with another bloke.
In saying that I do txt every now and then a mate who I know is going through some stuff.
I’ve opened up and it does not come back with a lot of support. Fleeting conversations where my friends check out happens often. They’ll talk about their day and issues and I’ll listen, ask questions and understand the best I can. When I talk, I feel like I’m talking to a wall at times. They don’t ask questions, dive in with me into my issues. I often will say something and it will be met with silence. I keep things short now, don’t talk about my issues and face them the best I can alone. I look up topics and research what I can and change my habits to see if I can make small changes daily.
Literally never. The thought of being weak and vulnerable with another human is unfathomable to me. If I want to vent my feelings, they invented a product for it, it’s called chatbot AIs. I can vomit my feelings at a chatbot and then re-read the conversation and maybe reflect on it, no need to let other people know my dirty laundry.
It’s not “fun” or “cool” to be vulnerable like that, so a lot of guys are afraid to open up. Even to friends of decades. They are willing enough to listen, but opening up themselves… don’t place your bets on it.
I’m very able to seek support, however most of my friends are kind of always falling apart so no one in the group really has space for it. I’ve also seen firsthand how much “therapistizing” your friends can really suck all the joy out of the relationship, so I’m even more hesitant to engage in that regard (don’t worry, I do actually have a therapist to discuss this stuff with lol.)
My circles usually tend to run with “emotional support” means friends treat you the same when your life is falling apart as they would when things are great. Providing a sense of normalcy and camaraderie that lets you take your mind off of the troubles for a while.
The only time I ever needed support was when I got divorced and yes my friends both male and female were there for me. If you have real problems the bros will support you. If you’re being a whiny little bitch they will call you out. That also part of being a good friend.
I’m always not only willing but ardently desirous of that. It’s just that my friends–men and women–are barely or not helpful when I do seek emotional support from them. I think it’s just this particular crew of people.
I do somewhat better with my sister. And my parents are dead, so there’s no option there now.
I’m constantly seeking emotional support from one female friend. I attempted it with male friends, and realized they just weren’t right for the task.
I used to have a colleague who claimed that “everyone struggles, the rest is lying” and that statement seems more true the older I become. We all have our struggles and they need to be aired out somewhere.
Men are not as naturally open as women tend to be, but my experience has been that once I opened up, my friends would also open up. Talking only about “stuff” feels hollow in the long run, I know my friends in a deeper and much more meaningful waynow than I used to do.
In my view being able to talk about your feelings is an incredibly important part og becoming a mature man. Nothing is more pathetic than a 40-year old who can only talk about sports, drinking and women.
Another inportant aspect of solid male friendships is that you don’t have to dump all your emotional baggage on your spouse. A supportive spouse is an amazing thing, but using your spouse as a therapist will eat away any emotional connection and intimacy in the long run.
If we keep it all inside, we wind up adopting unhealthy coping mechanisms, maybe drinking, maybe domestic violence, maybe just turning into a 2D zombie living a miserable life.
We can’t talk about feelings all the time, the majority of our conversations are about all kinds of other things, but it isn’t a forbidden area. Just knowing that is a major thing in itself.
I’ve had the same group of male friends for thirty years. 28 years ago we started an annual camping trip.
It first it was just beer and stupid tshirts and barbecue and playfully tasteless humor.
But as the years have passed, it’s deepened into something more profound and beautiful. We talk openly about struggles. They helped me immeasurably during my divorce. We tell each other we love each other. We still have fun and drink too much, and the humor has not changed, though the cheap beer has gradually been replaced by higher quality bourbon and tequila. We’ve all moved but everyone still comes on the trips, from Canada, the Midwest, New England, Arizona, Texas, we all converge in California twice a year.
I know I’m lucky and in the minority. If you’re twenty five or thirty (or older…it’s never too late), start a guys trip. That’s the best advice I have.
There are tiers to this stuff. Both sexes have to deal with bs that the other is ignorant about. Some good, some bad.
But as men, the last thing I want to place on my friends is being a burden to them. Now if I see my friend obviously going through a rough time (laid off thru an extended period of time, going thru a divorce, unexpected death etc.), I’ll be there for him. Reach out and see if he wants to grab a drink, it’a our way to escape the reality and take our mind off things.
But if it’s clear you need professional help, I will push you to do that. I’m only human and my emotional well is only so deep.
My view in the past has been, emotional support is usually what a spouse or professional is there for. I’m depressed and would never want to put that load on someone else. Having said that, I have reached out to people that I knew were in the thick of it and offered support. Rarely taken up on it.
Let’s just say I understand when women complain about a guy that dumps everything on her because he’s got no one else.
When I was younger I fulfilled that role for every guy in my social circle, not really sure why, as I have the empathy (and smiling skills of a T-800). I assume it was because for a long time it seemed everyone was questioning if I’m gay or not.
Never. But I also don’t really have any close friends these days.
If I had something I didn’t want to talk to my wife about I’d talk to my siblings I suppose, but have never really needed to seek emotional support from them…. What would I “seek emotional support” about, even?
I would never do that. No one knows my problems except me, and that’s the way it will always be. I would never waste someone’s time by whining to them like that and no one wants to hear it anyway.
I don’t know what emotional support is, so I can’t imagine needing it from anyone.
I think a lot of men are just wired differently to what women expect.
I have never thought about wanting emotional support, I’m not even sure what it is.
You might think this is something absent in men who operate this way, but it isn’t.
If a buddy of mine is going through a tough time, I can be there to let him know he has a friend (by merely being present, not by words). I can shoot some pool or whatever, hangout. But if he wants a chat about his emotions, I’m not that guy. I would find it awkward. I wouldn’t know what to say.
If my friends have learned not to trust opening up to me, then I’m perfectly fine with that.
I would not be good at it, I know it, they know it. We move on.
I don’t go anywhere for that kind of support. It’s not something I’ve ever thought I needed.
I don’t need emotional support,
Seek…what?
Things have to be really bad for that to happen, and even then it’s not the full group but maybe 1 or 2 of them.
Everyone needs someone they can talk to or turn to when things get bad, and I’m not talking about the light day to day things or general life stresses, I mean the I have no one else to turn to, at my wits end kind of bad. All the lighter things you just work through it.
I have 2 friend groups, the guys I grew up with and the guys I met via a work friend.
The guys I grew up with are a bit more inclined to not rinse you in the group chat, several of us have lost parents in the last few years and we’ve really show up for each other in a lot of ways and we regularly discuss relationship stuff in the group chat and finances too.
The other group, the way we met was wild, I got invited to go hiking with them overnight and we climbed a mountain and hiked out towards the top on the night, unfortunate only one of the guys fell off and sadly lost his life and we all had to get rescued off the mountain. Safe to say we all trauma bonded as a result and whilst collectively in the group chat we all get the piss taken out of us (it’s a form of blokes therapy in itself) if I went to any of them in isolation they’d be the first to drop what they’re doing and come see me whether it was 3 in the morning or not.
So I’d say all the time I have the chance. My best mate is there for me night and day and vice versa and nothing is off the table for discussion anymore
The only thing I can think of that I’ve ever needed emotional support on was marital issues. For that, I went to a (male) therapist specializing in that field.
I certainly wasn’t going to taint any of our mutual friend groups or our families with my problems with my wife. They would be getting only my side, colored by my perceptions. That would be unfair to everyone involved.
Every time its needed.
I generally don’t seek emotional support from my friends. But that is because I have been super lucky. I really do not go through much. And when I do, I take care of it right there and then.
However, I have supported quite a few of my friends when they were going through things emotionally. I offer then the space for whatever they are looking for that I can provide. They take me up, we go on about our ways, and then I follow up.
Only very very specific friends and often that means no one
All the time. Like all the time. Even the ones who are across the country and super busy, we keep in touch this way frequently. I can’t imagine living like your husband and I forget that it’s so common. I guess that explains all the suicides.
I’m 53. I have three close friends that I’ve had since elementary school. I can tell them almost anything, but I’m not sure emotional support is their strong suit aside from being present. When I was going through my divorce after 20years of marriage, I had one friend who stayed up late. It was during the Billy pics so he’d be awake and watching events, and he’d just leave his phone line open for me to call. I was only sleeping one or two hours a night, and my anxiety was crazy. But he’d answer when I called, and just left the phone on for hours. We never talked about anything too deep. But he was there when I needed someone.
I have another friend that was outside that friend group that I met in high school. He’s always been there for me. He helped me move to a new city for my first job after college. He gave me great advice and encouragement after my divorce. He talks me down whenever I have an emotional crisis.
So yes, there are guys that we can go to for emotional support. But it’s not always blatant or obvious. About 1.5 years ago, I went through a breakup that I struggled with. I had one local buddy that I’ve only known a couple of years invite me out to do stuff. We would hang at his apartment occasionally and just watch movies. And he texted me to see how I was doing a few times a week. It took me most of a summer to get over that breakup. And without being overly emotional about anything gave me that quiet support that let me know they I had friends who understood what I was going through and let me know I didn’t have to do it alone.
zero
I’m 51. I have NEVER saught emotional support through my friends. That’s what my doggo was for 🙂
Almost never, but part of it is because of my avoidant personality and part of it is also the smaller pool of people id consider a friend and can keep a secret.
I want to, I even tried therapy but I think I have to work on myself as well. Also sometimes I just need a good cry without being judged and doing that alone is easier.
I don’t find it helpful.
Always, however it doesn’t mean my friends are always willing to talk about it.
If I didn’t have my friends I don’t know where I’d be right now or if I’d even be alive. This idea that “men are men and need to stand alone” is a pathetic cope sold to us by those who puppeteer society.
I really only have one I can trust for that at the moment. We’re both pretty okay with hitting each other up and that’s nice.
Men do not offer one another emotional support in the way that women do. We don’t listen to each other bitch about our problems. We bond over activities that make us feel capable and powerful like sports or games. We don’t want to talk about our problems with each other. We don’t need to confide in each other unless there’s a practical reason to do so.
Nope. Better find a way to help yourself.
Never. That’s not how any of my friendships are. Also pretty much all my friends are too busy having families to deal with the issues of their single friend.
willing? Never.
Able? Whenever I wanted it. I have pretty good friends
I speak for many when I say we learned to bury that shit long before we turned 30.
And if they manage to bubble up, you just rebury them with substance abuse. Nothing a drink or joint can’t mute. If you don’t have “pretty privilege” you can’t afford your vibes being off, nobody wants to be around moody guy.
I don’t do that. I can’t do that. Why would don’t. I suffer in silence and once a week for 50 minutes I talk to a really awesome therapist. Good times.