Hey fellas, I’m here because I’m carrying a lot of resentment and regret around becoming a parent. The truth is, I didn’t want to have a child – it happened during a time when I made an impulsive choice, acting out of anger or spite, and I didn’t have the self-control to stop myself. Now I feel stuck with all these emotions: guilt, disappointment in myself, shame, and this heavy sense of being trapped by the consequences. I don’t blame the child, but I’m struggling to find peace with how it all happened. I’m here because I want to learn how to live with these feelings without letting them harden me or hurt anyone else. I know I sound like an absolute dick but l’m truly tired of feeling how I’m feeling and I feel as if it’s hindering the growth I’m trying to do within my traumas.
Any advice would help.
– never thought I’ll be making a Reddit post for help and advice but man… I truly don’t have anyone else
Men That Have Kids, How Do You Get Thru This?
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Since you shitlords like to delete your posts, here’s an original copy of /u/NonHennessy’s post (if available):
Hey fellas, I’m here because I’m carrying a lot of resentment and regret around becoming a parent. The truth is, I didn’t want to have a child – it happened during a time when I made an impulsive choice, acting out of anger or spite, and I didn’t have the self-control to stop myself. Now I feel stuck with all these emotions: guilt, disappointment in myself, shame, and this heavy sense of being trapped by the consequences. I don’t blame the child, but I’m struggling to find peace with how it all happened. I’m here because I want to learn how to live with these feelings without letting them harden me or hurt anyone else. I know I sound like an absolute dick but l’m truly tired of feeling how I’m feeling and I feel as if it’s hindering the growth I’m trying to do within my traumas.
Any advice would help.
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Grow up. It will help a lot. That kid may become very important later in your life, best to be friends with it.
It is what it is.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenity_Prayer and all that.
Kids can be so much fun if you let yourself enjoy them.
I’m not a parent but I think you get past it by putting yourself second as many a fathers before you, you just gotta suck it up and provide for your family
Of course this isn’t an end to all fun
Also you’re not trapped with the mother if you can’t stand her you can always go parent
Just do the right thing and at a minimum financially support your child please
Head on over to r/daddit and do some reading. You are by far not the first one to struggle.
Head to the therapist. Be a good father to the child you chose to create.
l’m truly tired of feeling how I’m feeling and I feel as if it’s hindering the growth I’m trying to do within my traumas.
You stop letting your traumas inadvertently affect the child.
The child is a blank slate. Your chance to make things right for someone else, and to use your own negative experiences as a guide for what NOT to do. You have a unique opportunity now to see life through the eyes of someone who is filled with wonder by it…and you’d be surprised how positively that can change your own outlook.
Think of this not as a trap, not as a burden, but as a new chance at life. Let go of the guilt: Things happen! Let go of the shame: You can be a great Dad!
You’ve got this.
Go to therapy. Get to the root cause of why you may have made such choices, theese emotions you carry may need some intervention.
Well, congratulations, you’re one step closer to immortality. That kid is half you!
Own up to it. Let your kid’s mom find a replacement.
Being a dad is pretty great if you let it be. I would talk to a therapist my dude.
Get therapy sooner than later. You’ve already done the hard part and first step that is you’ve identified the problems, now you’re going to need help on working through them.
Real men are defined by how they take responsibility for their actions as much as the actions themselves.
Join the club. I was a young father of a SICK infant.
Fear not. It gets better.
A lot better.
I’m a father twice now. They’re grown and they are, along with my wife, the center of my universe. I love them more than words.
I would suggest talking to a therapist. It may not be fun, but it can really be beneficial.
Nothing is inherently wrong with your feelings. I would suggest seeing a therapist to get those feelings out and discuss them. You can have these feelings and still be a good parent. Like everything else, it just takes effort.
Man, there’s alot to unpack there but I feel you.
It’s hard being a parent and hard as hell being a dad sometimes.
This is your reality now brother but that doesn’t mean the scenario needs to stay the same. The past can’t be changed, it’s just the journey behind you, it’s the future you need to look too.
Get a therapist, ensure you have a reasonable amount of you time to be a little selfish and focus on your needs. Have quality time withbyou kid.
Take care of yourself so you can take care of them too.
What ever you do, don’t do nothing, don’t keep on feeling like this as resentment has a terrible tendency to fester.
Stay strong brother, it’s hard sometimes but keep moving forward, one foot infront of the other.
It’s about the kid now, not about you. Your little one is depending on you to be there. Read to them every night, listen to them, respect them. The most precious gift one human can give to another is an awesome childhood.
As a dad to an almost 2 year old, reading this breaks my heart.
You gotta do some soul searching. You need to figure out if being a dad to this kid is what you want to do. If you are full of resentment the kid will grow up feeling resented. You made a choice and you have a responsibility to this child whether you like it or not. But you gotta decide if you want that responsibility at a distance or to be there at all times.
I seriously suggest finding a good therapist. I have been in therapy for a number of months now and it’s truly changed my life and how I look at parenting. I recommend it. It doesn’t mean you are broken or anything like that. But it shows you are trying and kids will notice that.
I wish you all the luck in figuring this out.
Therapy helps. Also, depending on how long it’s been, the first 18 months or so are fucking rough. After that, it starts gradually easing. Next thing you know, you’ve got another one on the way.
My wife and I were fighting multiple times a day, everyday. Therapy helped me, then she got therapy, next thing you know it’s way more good than bad. Especially as the children develop more.
Join r/daddit and repost this.
I too didn’t want a kid, then his mom left me when he’s was only a year and a half(partially my fault). I will say, I accepted going in that a lot of aspects of my own life were going to be hampered, back burnered or all together over. Once we actually had the kid, it seemed even more so.
He’s 3 1/2 now. I’ve learned so much about myself and most importantly I’ve learned I’m capable of a deeper love than I knew was possible for me.
That has translated to my relationships, myself and shown me new highs.
It’s a lot, it’s thankless, it’s exhausting… but know that this is the best thing that has ever happened to you.
I have 3 kids, and I would rather kill myself than go back in time to a point in my life without them.
The things I had to sacrifice in order to have them and the time I need to dedicate to them instead. I don’t care about. They ceased to be nearly as important to me when compared to my 2 sons and daughter.
You may need to talk to a professional to get these feelings off your chest and get some insight/help.
Kids a fucking awesome.
For me, I wanted kids but got hit by a wall of… Panic? For the first littlest while.
What helped me was leaning in. I was scared of our kid so I just took him as much as I could, every change, every feed, every night waking. At some point it just clicked for me. As it got easier I enjoyed it more and as I enjoyed it more I bonded with him more.
Now he’s two and he’s everything! My best mate and funniest guy I know
I think first you have to accept that the child had no fault in this, it just got pulled into existence. Nothing the kid did led to this.
So, probably most important thing, is you need to forgive that past version of yourself that made the choices that led to this. Growing up means you want to hug that guy and tell him it will be okay instead of strangling that guy and telling him how stupid he was.
I don’t have kids because I was always aware that I am selfish, and was very likely to feel the way you feel now and there would be life long complications with that relationship, so I can’t help you with that. My mom would never have told us to our faces that she regretted having kids, but going back through years of family videos you can see it on her face. We were kids and thankfully pretty oblivious to it because she was a good mom on the surface no matter how she felt inside-and that’s your job now, at least to that kid. Make sure he/she is supported, financially, mentally, emotionally, etc. Don’t make another human suffer because of your poor choices. When they’re older, it might be fine to honestly explain that you were scared, didn’t know what to do, thought that having a kid might ruin your life-whatever. But let them have a childhood. Give them a fighting chance to not be fucked up when all this is over.
How old is the kid? Is there something specific that you’re finding difficult about the child’s development right now? If you can pick apart individual things leading to you having these overall feelings, you can work on addressing each item to help bring down your overall feelings of guilt, shame, disappointment, etc.
The better parents are the one without kids. The parents aren’t usually the best parents.
I don’t have kids, yet I have to look over my adult silblings and parents.
I got 7 kids in general.
Its hard my guy…it is
And ill be honest I dont really have the answers, but I’ve been in your shoes 6 years ago..
All I can say for sure, there isnt anything quite like being superman..
You don’t have to be perfect, just better than the you the day before.
Their love hits different and sometimes that can be hard to see with all of life’s other bullshit. Your feelings are valid and arent to be ignored talk to a professional family therapist not just a regular one.
You have a child for a reason so find out what that reason is and do your best to be the best dad you can be. Parental life isn’t easy, but I reckon you’re a dad because you have control and direction to guide a child through life. Embrace the power that you have, and find solutions to the problems you currently have. Try not to live in a linear fashion, fight for everything you need to support yourself and your child. Let loose, do things differently, and surge with the innermost power you have inside of you. Get rid of what’s holding you down and find what you need.
It sounds like you need to make some decisions about the kindof man you’re going to be. I don’t think regretting your kid is really an option but there are plenty of men who duck the responsibility and plenty of kids who grow up without a father in their lives, unfortunately.
Talk to a therapist. I had similar feelings. Luckily, they went away. No feelings are wrong. Each person needs to work through them to make them the best possible parent they can be.
How old is the child? The first 2.5 / 3 years are very tough
Don’t view your child as the culmination of your mistakes. This will lead to resentment of the child, and he, in turn, will resent you. View him/her as your opportunity to be better. Yea it might feel like a drain of time/resources initially, but this is a whole human being. Love him/her the way you’d want to be Ioved, and the rest will follow. I watched this recently. It’s just a videogame, but the points made in this video can be applied towards real life. We are not our past.
https://youtu.be/A1akAO-6fUc?si=OyDxj0Bs0XKgwb0Y
Dm me if you wanna chat. Ik the feeling of thinking reddit is the only place to turn for help.
Worst thing you can do is not be there for your kid, second worse is be abusive to it. You made the decision to have a kid and they are your responsibility now until they hit 18. They’re going to rely on you for everything and that honestly isn’t a bad thing. In fact, if you let yourself have a change of view you can learn to really enjoy raising a child.
I myself never wanted to have kids, my dad was a real sonuvabitch and I was afraid I’d be too much like him to my own kids. But I made a choice to listen to my biological urges and not take precautions and now I have two kids, one of who isn’t even technically my blood, but I’m the only parent they’ve known for the majority of their lives. And I wouldn’t take it back for anything, I’d take on the world for these two. And that’s coming from someone who is a pretty big introvert who much prefers peace and privacy, something kids are notoriously bad at giving haha. It still took me a couple years to come to grasp with them and get into a good balance of fatherhood though.
As for you, it’s really your choice whether you want to be there for your kid, give them a better childhood than you had, revel in their successes and teach them how to come back from a defeat. It’s your choice if you want to allow yourself to love them harder than you’ve ever loved anyone else and be loved unconditionally in return. Idk much about therapists, but they might be able to more easily help you get to a place where you do want to be more than a father, to be a dad.
Get yourself over to r/daddit
You have to commit 100% to being a parent. Your hobbies, your nights out, your friends all have to take a backseat to your kids. Now it’s all about them. Take pride in watching them grow, and when they hit their milestones pat yourself and your partner on the back for helping them achieve it.
Once they’re older teach them your knowledge, your skills, and introduce them into some of you age appropriate hobbies. For example I regularly play videogame with one of my kids, I play football (soccer) with the other, and go out with the third to show her about photography. We also cook together and we all regularly train in kickboxing and stick fighting (with lightsabers so it’s more of a game) because these are the hobbies I loved.
Get involved in their activities, go to their games, their recitals and be excited about it, don’t drag your feet. Volunteer to help out in their activities, get to know their friends’ parents, they’re probably going through the same thing you are.
Obviously if possible find a way to schedule some alone times a couple of times a month to decompress, and also some alone time with your partner.
Parenting is very difficult but also very rewarding. Go all-in and don’t look back.
Also, watch Bluey. It actually makes you want to be a better parent.
Good luck.
Well the truth about parenthood is that once you’re in it, it’s not about you anymore. The child did not ask to be born and as such deserves your best since you were the one that brought them here. It’s hard, it’s normal to think it sucks but they don’t deserve to feel like a burden over it ever, under any circumstance and the see and feel WAY more than you think they do. So you have to let go of “selfish” notions and devote yourself to the greater good. I recommend talking more to a professional about this to work through it.
To start off with, I got through it by wanting to have a child. If you don’t want to be a father, nothing you do after that will help. Either embrace the role or get therapy.
First of all PSA for others: this is why you always wear a condom, so you make the choices.
Well you love that kid right? So focus on the fact that is not the what could have been, you have a kid you love so focus on what the kid needs, focus on being in the moment with them and take pride in caring for them correctly. It seems interminable right now but in a blink of an eye they will be all grown up, so make this small window with them as great as you can.
Take it as a task – you will provide for your child and be the best father you can be. You will learn to love it. And you will also have a great life on your own.
Man up bro, it’s not about you anymore.
That’s what we’re here for. A lot of men don’t get the support they need to have a place to be heard.
A lot shifts when you go from resentment to gratitude. Change your perspective and over time this can change to be a positive.
Not for everyone, but basic therapy doesn’t do anything for me, but guided psychedelics completely changed my life. Showed me that a lot of people don’t have kids and want them, and I have two amazing little guys. The first one I wasn’t ready for and came at a totally unprepared time. Second one planned and ended up becoming the primary caretaking of both and the kids make me so happy and give me so much purpose now. Finding purpose and service to something else that is going to last when you’re gone and giving them the best to carry on makes it meaningful
There’s been times where I’m even like no one would miss me and no one cares, why even bother with this life, but them seeing how much my kids love and need me is so empowering.
Older and wiser now (I hope!), many times in life I’ve looked back and realized that something I thought was the worst thing ever, not in my plans at all, turned out to be the best. Then I was then very grateful it happened. The opposite has gone down that way too.
How old are you? I saw that the kids isn’t here yet. Your feelings may and hopefully do change once the child is here. It’s a love that you have never felt before. What do you feel like you are going to miss out in by being a parent?
Don’t be afraid to get into therapy. A Reddit thread isn’t gonna hero you long term.
Got to /r/daddit it’s a great little spot full of dads supporting eachother and if your full of shit you’ll hear it as well.
They can help you with these feelings to a certain point.
Sooner or later you will come to know that the child is an extension of you , most men find that out too late. Bonding takes s little more time for men.
My son(2) is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
But
I accepted that when my wife got pregnant, my life was now about my son.
That doesn’t mean I can’t do things I enjoy, but he comes first Always.
The sooner you come to terms with it. The sooner you can accept your new life
All that shit is no longer up to you. Move forward. Do a good job. Make good decisions.
I endured, tried to be an involved parent while providing. Now kids are older and I can live separately. Still support them financially, but at least I’m relatively free. Yet no lies, it was a hard time.
Like others have mentioned, it’s not about you anymore. The kid didn’t ask to be here, so you always have to put them first and their feelings and well-being matter more.
That being said, therapy is the right choice for getting a handle on your guilt and resetment.