About three weeks ago, I met a girl. No offense to her, but compared to other women I’ve dated—especially my ex—she’s not as physically attractive. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d say she’s a 5. Honestly, physical appearance has always been important to me, especially since my own looks gave me the freedom to choose.
But something strange happened. After my ex, I met several other women, and the more I talked to them, the less interested I became—each for different reasons. But with this girl, it was the opposite. One day we were picking a movie, and when I asked if she was okay with the one I chose, she replied, “If you’re good, I’m good too.” And something just clicked in my brain.
After being in a toxic relationship where my ex acted like she was some kind of prize I had to earn every day, it hit me that she never really cared how I was doing. It was always about her. But this new girl? Being with her is incredibly comfortable, she is always worried for my comfort and I must say this is supper attractive for me. Even though, like I said, she’s not the most attractive by my usual standards, I genuinely don’t care. We’re both 30, and I know we’re just getting to know each other, but time will tell where this goes.
Has something like this ever happened to you—where you didn’t expect much from a girl at first, but she ended up changing your whole perspective on her?
I read you all
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Hi, I’m glad you are looking past appearance, as long as you truly don’t mind and you’re not feeling like you’re missing out then it’s fine.
But do not ever say that to her, never make her think that you don’t find her that attractive, even if some time past and the relationship is going well and you became attracted to her looks alongside her personality, don’t tell her that in the beginning you didn’t view her as “a catch”.
Good luck with your relationship with her.
When I was out mowing the lawn, she brought me a beer. When I was done, she had another beer and a sandwich ready for me.
I immediately saw she was wife material and now we happily have 5 children together.
I’m like this with my man, he’s my top priority and I do everything in my power to make his life comfortable and peaceful, plus unlimited sex whenever he wants. He’s given me the world and as such I try my best to give him the stars.
Also my sex drive is otherworldly, so I’m really just waiting on him to recover to jump his ass again. 🤣
Yeah. When I realized she would actually pause to ask me questions when I talked. Remembered and followed up on things. I always get a “How u doing?” or “What do you think about…” when we see each other. It made me realize how deprived I was of reciprocity, receiving curiosity back, and how self-centered my ex’s were.
I actually had room to share about myself instead of being stuck in listening/consoling/responding to mode. I didn’t realize it until around the one month mark when it made me go, this is different.
This is why so many men end up marrying what they would call average looking girls. Generally just easy to get along with. So many beautiful women are so used to getting everything they want but can’t see past the glimmer of their own reflection. Many don’t look after the needs or feelings of the men they date. Not saying as a rule but I’ve seen it so much in my youth.
A couple of my really attractive friends never found a husband. Their boyfriends would happily use them for sex, even long term, but not marry them. It doesn’t seem right or ethical, but it is what it is.
Yeah, maybe my grandmother was right: “pretty is as pretty does.” Something to think about.
you know you have matured in relationships when physical looks nolonger take center stage but character
When my ex-wife said she NEEDED me to make twice what I currently made so that she could be a SAHM…to 2 teenagers.
That really hit me hard. I should have known it was over right then.
The second great love of my life was like that…i didnt find her attractive but she “changed” over time and became the most beautiful woman to me for years…
So yeah…go for it mah dude…i found great happiness when this happened to me and even though we didnt last beyond 5 years, i dont regret it at all
Thank you for asking about this. If there’s one thing I could “make” my daughter understand is that if she focuses on being healthy and takes care of herself (unkept/clean hair, clothes not ratty, be personally clean), the man God chose for her will fall in love with her personality and spirit. The physical attraction side will be okay. I’m not a handsome devil by any means, but my wife and I celebrated 22 years yesterday, together 25.
As you get older and are looking for more long-term commitment, your priorities shift. Flings are great when you are 20 and your whole life is still ahead of you, but not so good at age 42 and you still haven’t found anyone to have a stable relationship with. Attractiveness is great and lasts a little while, but the effect fades. What doesn’t fade is whether your partner respects you, boosts you up, and genuinely pursues your happiness. Some, not all, attractive women get used to being selfish. They don’t need to work harder at relationships since they have their pick of men when younger. But as they get older, it ages like milk. There are definitely shades of this and some are both, but in my experience, those women get proposed to earlier. By age 30, the pool of available women has shrunk and you have to pick what is more important to you.
Just my two cents, having dated till my 30’s.
Average looking women (and I think men) by necessity have to work to build a bunch of other skills and qualities to be able to compete with the conventionally attractive in the dating pool. No one ever has it completely easy so I’m certainly not trying to rag on attractive people but if your looks are the primary reason you get certain things for most of your life, how are you going to know most good and decent people value certain virtues. When you become conditioned to accepting the proverbial red carpet rolled out just for being you and have not had to work on reciprocity for example, people will grow tired of you and for most people, looks will fade so I think the lesson in what you’re sharing is very important.
Damn. I don’t date conventionally attractive people because they tend to have these kind of superficial views around the inherent value of a human being their outward appearance due to pretty/handsome privilege. This woman likely deserves better than you. It sounds like you think you are something to be “earned” or some kind of “prize” and the value you are finding in her is that she’s deferring to your preferences so you are settling for her 5/10 status. Kinda gross bro.
Saw the opposite happen with my friends. The man (my friend since we were 10 or 11) met this woman at a party (she’s only been my friend since they met each other and started dating back in 1999).
She very much did not like him at first. She thought he was too loud, singing bad songs and making worse jokes. Well, a little time passed, they got to know each other better, and this next November they’ll have been together for 26 years, married since January 2006, and two pretty cool kids.
Was sitting with friends yesterday and just noticed how people generally enjoyed being around me and me around them, female friend of mine was just friendly and enthousiastic towards me. And I was like, wait, why the f don’t I look for that in relationships.
Had the same click in my brain you described 🙂
I went on a date with a woman who worked at my bank. She didn’t take it well when I told her I wasn’t interested in seeing her again. She looked up my address (I’m guessing she did it at work) and showed up at my house one night.
That was kinda scary.
Personally looks are more of a baseline requirement. If I find them attractive then it’s enough. It’s their personality that really makes or breaks if I will be super into them and you usually don’t know that right away. Most of the women I have had a huge thing for I was drawn in after I learned about their personality.
She invited me to her apartment after the first date, smoked weed with me, and just cuddled with me. I wasn’t that into her but it just felt comfortable and I couldn’t get enough of her. We were together 4 years.
Just be aware of not becoming the women you dated prior to this one, be aware of how easy it is to have a narrative of her job is to give you want you want all the time.
I’m dating someone who makes me feel safe, loved and valued. Objectively by society’s standards I don’t think he is that attractive. BUT I am very attracted to him.
My (now ex) wife, when I asked her why she wanted children said to me, “well you don’t eat healthy and you’re probably going to die young, and I want to make sure someone will be around to take care of me when I get old.”
I thought she was joking.
She was not.
I think this is you being mature. I’m embarrassed to admit that when I was younger I was way too hung up on looks.
Now that I’ve matured a bit I’m not worried about what anyone else thinks. Of course there has to be some attraction but I’m definitely more interested in the person’s character.
I hope it works out for the two of you
If you treat her the same as she treats you, and you both like each other, there’s little reason to hold off. Life is about leaping and learning. I found everything I value most in my life when I was outside my comfort zone.
“You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful, and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later, they’re as dull as a brick? Then there’s other people and you meet them and you think, “Not bad, they’re okay.” And then you get to know them and… and they’re face just sort of… becomes them, like their personality is written all over it. And they just… they turn into something so beautiful.
Rory’s the most beautiful man I ever met.”
A girl once bought me a drink. I hate that it is such a special and rare occurance, it made me instantly fall for her.
It is sometimes just little things that make you interested and attracted in a person for example liking their laugh or voice or completely losing interest because they say something really dumb. I have known a couple women where hearing their laugh just filled my heart with joy. Another woman I was not attracted to but then she spent 30 minutes talking about something we both had an interest in and she knew way more about it than I did while being really smart and it made me a whole lot more interested in her.
Many things that made me take her more seriously but most of them boil down to good and mature communication.
She would remember things that I told her. She asked me lots of questions about my life and how I was doing. She would do things in response to things I told her without me asking or even knowing she’d do it in the first place. She can communicate how things make her feel or if something I does bothers her in a mature way. She tells me when I do well and is honest with me when I make a mistake. If something really bothered her she’d let me know that I needed to fix it without turning it to a screaming match.
Once she bought me a new razor, simply because I mentioned “yeah, mine is pretty old but it gets the job done”. It didn’t even occur to me she’d think to buy me one in that moment.
It’s really about the small details, communication, remembering things about you, being able to convey how things make you feel in a timely manner, etc.
She sent me a text with what she needed (a connection) because I was taking her for.gramted.
That she needs a connection to be in a physical relationship. She doesnt let just anyone in.
Said if her actions over something had affected me she was sorry. (It didn’t it wasnt a big deal).
Said was unsure and explained why. And that her actions didnt back up her words. She was sorry. Gave me a compliment on my calmness.
And said if I didnt share the desire for a connection we could remain friends because she valued me but she had to stop sleeping with me.
We aren’t in a relationship but that woman hasnt been out of line at all. No thirst traps, no flirting, no nothing. Shes loyal as shit.
It was the accountability. First woman next to my momma to do that.
Not all hot girls are self centered. You have to be physically attracted to your partner. Your wife shows your worth and value in society. If you want someone to mother you and hold you in high esteem that’s understandable, but I think it will all go blurry as soon as your friends gets a hot gf or you work with a woman you find super sexy. You saying you’re attractive yourself makes you understand people treat attractive people differently and she may become insecure and need validation from you which will wear you down.
The more attractive the women, the less effort she knows she has to make. But its relative – if you want a woman to love you and make effort, pick on a few points lower than your score.
Looks fade anyway, and attractive but selfish women are the pits.
If you judge women based only on looks, you are going to get a lot of shallow women.
May this love never find me! You have to be attracted to your partner. 5/10 is way too low. I would hate to find out my partner is not attracted to me physically. If you would be an actual nice man then you wouldn’t be with her. She deserves better. It’s nice you learned that there is more to seek in a woman than physical attraction, but you have to find someone that has a great personality and who you think has great looks.
She said something specifically to hurt me, rose tinted glasses were removed ever since.
When I was sick she made me my favorite sick meal from scratch – I wanted a can of a very particular tortilla soup. She then proceeded to bring me homemade muffins for breakfast the next day all unprompted.
Immediately knew I was going to want to marry her
Ok looking girl, have a pleasant conversation with her for a bit. British monarchy comes up. She starts ranting excitedly about the Jacobite claim to the throne, and how the true English King is actually the Duke of Bavaria.
Immediately would have fallen in love if I didn’t know her husband.
Your arrogance should kill the relationship in no time.
It’s great that you can now look pass the physical attraction. However, it seems like what attracts you is “her caring about you”, does she have other qualities that make you think she is attractive that aren’t about how she makes you feel? (Like she is smart, she is kind towards others etc)
We had sex
We had sex
Woman here…in any relationship, you’ve struck gold when you both see each other as being special or “not like the others.” It’s amazing for intimacy because even after years pass, you still put your best foot forward in words and actions, and it’s a two-way street–not just one person feeling like they lucked out by getting to be with the other person just because they have a lot of money or are super attractive looking.
I was (not purposely) raised by my parents to be a people pleaser…and surprise surprise, every man I ever had a long-term relationship with ended up taking me for granted. I was genuinely being caring toward them but without boundaries or standards of how I expect to be treated, they each in time realized they didn’t have to do much at all cuz I’d never leave them. Then just couple of years ago I started practicing setting expecations and boundaries in a healthy way and it’s blown me away how valued I feel now by my partner. It’s really true that if you earn to communicate that you value yourself, then others as a natural consequence will value you (aka respect you) more as well. Self-perception genuinely affects external perception whether you are conventionally attractive or not.
So love yourself and respect yourself (that’s my message to everyone out there reading this)! You’re just as good as anyone else…no better, but just AS GOOD! And the bonus is that it makes you more attractive too, even. If you already have good looks!! So never forget it, confidence and standards isn’t just in your head, it’s a real thing that will have a real impact on all your personal (and work) relationships! But always remember to be kind too.
Kindness and consideration is a rare thing these days as OP outlined in their post. OP was moved by the simple fact that his partner really cares about what he wants to do. So love & protect yourself the way a good parent would but at the same time, always remember to be kind and cinsiderate! Love the person you are with in the way that they show you they need to be loved, but don’t forget to show them how to love you too! It should always go both ways…that way you give to each other every day and no one becomes either big-headed or is made to feel small. When you are with someone who really sees you and cares about you while also respecting themselves just as much, it’s the most attractive and wonderful thing in the world!!! 🙂
Happy for you that you’ve matured enough to look past physical appearances but I would die if I came across a post calling me a 5/10💀 like another commenter said, never ever mention anything of that sort to her. I once had a guy say something similar to me about how I’m much less attractive than the girls he normally goes for (but that he liked me a lot more) and it pretty much killed all attraction I had towards him.
Welcome to the deep end of the gene pool!