I’m in a relationship with a girl who I really love, but her hospital is constantly understaffed and the stress means that when she comes home after a 12 hour shift she’s basically done for the day mentally.
My job isn’t nearly as stressful but I still have really bad days. The trouble is that if they overlap she can’t support me the way I can support her. Seeing me emotional on these days stresses her out even more, partly because she is already exhausted and now has nothing to hold onto herself, but also because she realizes all of this and wants to be there for me but can’t really summon the energy in the moment. I’ve spoken to a friend who’s wife is also a nurse and he felt a similar way with his spouse.
As a man I feel like I’m obligated to always provide that sense of stability and strength which other people rely upon. Since me also getting emotionally distressed removes that image, it’s as if I’m being pressured into choosing what days it’s okay to be upset. No, it’s not good for me long term to do this but I don’t know what else I should be doing.
For those of you who have been in this situation but not anymore—and the relationship is ongoing, what fixed it? For those of you who are in this situation, how do you cope with the emotional unavailability?
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Since you shitlords like to delete your posts, here’s an original copy of /u/Kapitalist_Pigdog2’s post (if available):
I’m in a relationship with a girl who I really love, but her hospital is constantly understaffed and the stress means that when she comes home after a 12 hour shift she’s basically done for the day mentally.
My job isn’t nearly as stressful but I still have really bad days. The trouble is that if they overlap she can’t support me the way I can support her. Seeing me emotional on these days stresses her out even more, partly because she is already exhausted and now has nothing to hold onto herself, but also because she realizes all of this and wants to be there for me but can’t really summon the energy in the moment. I’ve spoken to a friend who’s wife is also a nurse and he felt a similar way with his spouse.
As a man I feel like I’m obligated to always provide that sense of stability and strength which other people rely upon. Since me also getting emotionally distressed removes that image, it’s as if I’m being pressured into choosing what days it’s okay to be upset. No, it’s not good for me long term to do this but I don’t know what else I should be doing.
For those of you who have been in this situation but not anymore—and the relationship is ongoing, what fixed it? For those of you who are in this situation, how do you cope with the emotional unavailability?
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You should be capable of handling your “bad days” yourself. Being emotional and/or stressed is normal. Using your partner as a crutch is, in my opinion, not.
You need to find a therapist to get emotional with. Your GF will eventually leave you for a man who doesn’t need emotional support
This reads like you need therapy to learn how to handle your emotions.
Yup. Been there and done that.
She would be dead emotionally majority of the time because of her work. I basically grew to be far more independent of a person and learned to entertain and soothe myself.
Started playing guitar, using a little of social media, and took up painting.
These are not for everyone. I think being a partner who is dead emotionally because of their work is actually toxic to the person who isn’t. But, to each their own.
It sounds like you should talk to a therapist or leave the relationship.
Sorry bud. You’re on Reddit where men don’t have emotions. You’re not going to get great advice from this sub.
Being the crutch is fine, I am too 💪🏼 “Rosie the Riveter” (hihi ironically bec of my person) already to be incapable of helping. However, because my person is still learning, understanding things.. sometimes it’s better to let em learn how to navigate on their own.
After all, that’s how I learned too, a long time ago. BUT, if my person would ve just called. Texted. Dropping everything in a heartbeat. But yeah am rambling lol am alone again hehe
I suppose my question is why would I need to “schedule my bad days”? If I’m having a bad day I’m having a bad day. I’ll choose one of my dozen go-tos for de-stressing, assess why I’m having a “bad day”, accept the situation, and move on. My therapist gave me a few methods and the others are my own (golfing, gaming, going for a walk, going to the gym). I learned early on that no one has the time to deal with their problems and yours. I took that same lesson into my marriage.
Life sucks a lot of the time, bad shit is going to happen, and bad days will come. Relying on someone else to get you through that is a recipe for disaster as you’re putting your mental health in someone else’s hands.
You might just not be compatible. You’re allowed to have bad days. Yeah, you should do what you need to take care of yourself, but I disagree about men being the stability
Ie a rock to her waves. Old school and outdated.
There will be times your partner can’t be there for you. Maybe friends and support systems instead.
But not all the time.
It’s not easy to date a person with an intense career.
It’s not a case of relying on your partner or not relying on her at all. Everyone needs emotional support from their partner. But it’s best if you have a wider network of support too: family, friends, a therapist. Spread out the support so it doesn’t live all on her shoulders, but never be afraid to lean on her if you need.
Support can take many, many forms. Sometimes just being sad or stressed together can be meaningful. You don’t always have to solve each other’s problems: you can just validate each other without getting into the details.
As a man, you are NOT obligated to “always” provide stability and strength. You get to have bad days and you have emotions too. More broadly, your being a source of stability and strength ought to be permanent and not dependent on having a good or bad day. Being down in the dumps of an evening doesn’t negate the stability and strength you provide in general.
You need more than just your gf for support; she shouldn’t be your only emotional outlet. Use your friends network when you can.
Also: you both need to be able to have bad days. I went through a stretch where every day was a bad day for months on end. My wife works in a place where she sees the bad side of humanity on a weekly basis. We made sure to leave something for each other every day. However, like I said above, we both also utilized our friends for help and my wife went to therapy for the hardest parts of her job. You both need to make sure you’re not emotion dumping on each other exclusively.
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On a “good day” (maybe on a vacation together)… come up with a bad day routine. Maybe… “it’s Chinese tonight” and order your favorites. Figure out a way you can both vent. Then just decompress (tv or something).
Make it a thing so that you both know it’s a bad day for each other.
Routines help.
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You need to talk with her and find times with her to be able to be able to vent and have these discussions. This is going to bleed into the common issues with a relationship where you won’t feel like there’s a “right” time to address them, so you bury it and build resentment.
Other people are right that your emotional support system needs to extend outside of your spouse, but you TWO need to find what works for both of you.
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I understand my view on this won’t be well received here as I’m an older man and of course my life experiences I have different life experiences but I would ask you to seek about ways to make yourself more resilient. Mabye through means of prayer, working out, stoicism. IMO you should continue to support wife SO in every way possible but do not seek it in return in any way possible as that’s not she will do naturally.
Hardly fair isn’t it? As men we are required to always be there for her, but she only has to when she has the bandwidth. I’m not hating, that’s just the way it is. Sadly you’re lucky if she’s there for you at all.
Like others have said, you need more than just your girl. You need bros, maybe your mom or a therapist. It’s our job to be the rock.
I don’t think this is sustainable long term. Meaning that you aren’t going to be able to rely in each other for emotional support if you both are always stressed… You both would have to work on de-stressing yourself and no bringing it home so there can be times where she’s there for you and you’re there for her
The other option is finding emotional support in your friends or parents. You have to lean on some of them to help spread the stress out… and work on other activities that can give stress relief before it’s an issue. For an example, I either workout or deep clean when very stressed
I can only talk about my experience and I hope it gives some insight
I work 12h shift work and my girlfriend works a regular 9-5 that’s also stressful for her. Sometimes I don’t have the energy and sometimes she doesn’t, communication is key here. Being open and vulnerable is the key.
I never want my partner to be burdened because I am. It took some time for us to figure out what works for us, everyone needs different things. Speaking to my line of work everyone I work with has a different approach to handling the stress and how that affects them in their relationships.
Hope there is something in there and it’s not complete nonsense as I did just come off my 12h night shift and I’m about to crash
You need to rely on more than just your wife for emotional Support, find a friend, a family member or a therapist to vent to. It sounds like you both have very demanding jobs.
My brother in life. You need a mental health counselor and a better coping strategy. If your social circle is small or nonexistent, open it. Reach out to your family and friends. Make sure you’re getting enough exercise especially on the days you feel the worst.
Try to exhaust yourself so by the time she gets home, all you want to do is lay around cuddling and watching a movie. When she asks you how you are, tell her “it was pretty rough but I did XYZ. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. How was your day?”
If her day was crazy stressful, she’s tapped out bro. You can’t get water from a dry well.
Check out r/MedSpouse
She will be there for you but only up to a certain extent. She’s meeting her needs by decompressing after those long stressful shifts; you need an outlet of your own. That way you can be your full selves with each other.
If you didn’t have her in your life, what would you do? While it’s partly on her to be there for you, it’s not her responsibility to heal you. You don’t want to vent to her everytime anyways. I would suggest seeking out therapy, exercise, friends, or hobbies to decompress. Save your time with her to relax and have fun.
I’m not a nurse, nor married to one, but you both need to have other people you can share the emotional load with. I know this is easier said than done.
As it is, the pair of you simply don’t have the bandwidth to fully support each other by yourselves – and that’s pretty normal. It’s natural and healthy to need emotional support from other friends and family members, please lean into that.
She can’t be everything at all times, and neither can you.
When your gf is too overwhelmed, or when you anticipate she’ll have had a long/tiring day, try reaching out to someone else.
And vice versa. As lovely as it is that you always want to be strong and emotionally there for your partner, it’s a lot of work to be constantly prioritising someone else’s feelings and it’s okay to choose yourself when you need to!
My wife is a school nurse & part-time hospice nurse. She doesn’t have 12 hour hospital shifts but often has stressful days helping sick kids + dealing with angry parents and frustrating coworkers + paperwork.
She’s frequently exhausted after work. We decompress by watching favorite TV shows or movies together in the evening. It also helps to be a good listener. And contribute to household chores so she doesn’t come home to a mess. Cooking and/or kitchen cleanup helps a lot too.
Hey there my wife and daughter are both nurses. They both worked medical ICU, and Burn / Trauma ICU. I am a former Army combat medic with several combat deployments. So I can relate to what they do.
I am going to get a lot of flak for this, but it is the truth.
This isn’t exclusive to nurses.
No matter what your wife does for work, emotionally (Outside of extreme outliers like your mom passing away), you will always take the back seat. Her emotional needs will always come first. A lot of women will say it shouldn’t be that way, but that all falls apart the minute they need your emotional support and you don’t provide it.
You have to seek support and comfort from her on her good days, or on her days off (she has 4 days off right?).
Basically, You suck it up, push through and deal with it later.
Whatever your wife and kids are going through always comes before you. When you both have a bad day, you will support her a lot more than she will support you.
You are correct; this is part of being a man; one of the many differences between men and women. With that you also have a responsibility to take care of yourself mentally and emotionally, just not at the expense of supporting your wife and kids first.
Yeah. It is hard, but too bad. You have to get proficient at self care and have healthy ways to care for yourself when your wife can’t / won’t (lift weights, therapy, friend groups, video games, etc).
Sorry man, but to be blunt, it never gets better. You just have to deal with it.
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My wife has been a nurse for over 10 years. Ive been with her since before she went to nursing school.
From her perspective that ive listened to many times:
Some people can’t do 12 hour shifts. She can’t do it long term.
Many nurses leave becasue of how much it can be a suck on emotions. That or become hard and dont feel them, aka be a bad nurse or an ok doctor. Few can hold on for decades and be compassionate.
From my perspective:
12 hour shift is long when life goes on around those 12 hours. It eats you day, and if you can’t at least rally for your days off, whats the point.
Your job as a Man unfortunatly, is to just shut up and listen *most of the time. Rarely does anyone care what we feel. It sucks but I think society is built to be rather harsh to Men that share their feelings, so we have to be very intellegent and carefull when we share them. Particularly if they are not pleasant feelings. Im sure I will here about how my feelings are wrong shortly.
Your intimate friends and partners should care what you feel.
Hi !
Me and my wife are nurses, so I can empathize with your situation. Some day , my day was the worst and some day hers was.
There are multiple angles to this quite complex question. For us , most of the time just venting to someone who fully understands the frustrations, anger, helplessness or sadness of the day of a nurse was already a big help, even before the other even answered. Just being listened to was already big and didn’t take a lot of mental or emotional energy. Just being there was a big piece of it. We would usually go one after the other , sometimes in a whirlwind of stories at the same time , laughing at the absurdities of some situations.
Some day , one of us would need more , the reality of nursing can be quite terrible to be honest and yes , on those day one of us would have the spotlight a bit longer , needing more than just being heard for a while. Some situations can be really terrible and drain the nurse of everything she has to give . So yeah, on those days , the one supporting person has to find it in himself to support , high, listen, rationalise and be the pillar on that moment, even if it means putting yourself on the backburner for tonight.
On those nights, what helped me was focusing on her , her pain , her distress , her story . It would actually help me realise that my day was not that bad actually… After the high emotions, we would just decompress by going on a walk outside, go for a beer or something light like that. After a while , if I see she’s up for it , I could share a part of my day that’s sucked or whatever is stressing me out but keep it short.
I have to say that those days are not a common occurrence. I don’t know how experienced she is or how often those days come,but she needs to develop the skills to leave work at work . It’s not always easy. If every single day she works is a terrible day , maybe she needs to find another department where she can thrive and save her mental health in the long run. I have seen enough nurses crash their mental health to know that you need to be careful and find the right place for you.
I hope it helps , I could go on and on to be honest because it is not always easy. Finding this balance requires a LOT of communication in those emotional moments and outside of them , so you know what both of you needs and can give. Both of you needs to be there for each other , but sometimes it can’t be at the same time and it needs to be okay.
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Not answering just want to say I’m sorry.
Mens mental health matters too.
Hope you find a solution to mesh better with you two and hopefully more outlets.
My wife was so burned out working in the Pediatric ICU. She stayed longer than planned because they paid for her to get her Nurse Practitioner degree. In a surprising but helpful twist, right when she graduated they were downsizing and offered a buyout, so she got a week’s pay in severance for every year worked, which was 9. I had been telling her to quit before because it was so bad for her mental health. Once she left it got so much better.
Take this with a grain of salt, because I’m pulling this from experiences not quite the same as yours.
I have a friend (not girlfriend) who is one of the first people I go to for support, and she works in the lab doing 12 hour shifts. When she noticed I noticed her bad days and avoided talking about my shit then, she told me that her bad days don’t mean I have to hold back my bad days. I can let her vent, and she can let me vent, and if we’re up for it we can go grab a drink or dinner, and if not we can swear like sailors about the bullshit on the phone.
Admittedly, this is different because we aren’t SOs and for some people the type of support they get from SOs and friends is different. But I think maybe you could talk to your girlfriend about this on a good day, and work out a way you can both get the support you need from each other.
Maybe you always listen first, but she makes time to listen and support the same night. Maybe you both figure out a couple activities that you can both do to support each other. Maybe you both give a one to two sentence summary of why your day was rough and let whoever sounds like the roughest day go first, or let them decide whether to go first or second.
Obviously, I don’t know you or your girlfriend, and I don’t have the same experience as you in this case. But hopefully something like that might help. Either way, good luck.
Before I start all of this, I’ll start by acknowledging that it’s not fair for anyone to have “priority” of having a stressful day. I get that she’s a nurse, and she may be dealing with death a lot, but her “bad day” isn’t a higher priority than your “bad day”. It’s not a competition, and there shouldn’t be a hierarchy of “who gets to have the hard day”.
One thing I would start to do, for both of you, is to ask your partner “Is this an issue you want to vent to me about, or is this an issue you want me to help you fix?”. Alternatively, you can also tell your partner “I had a shitty day and I just need to vent, I don’t need you to fix it, I just need you to be a listening ear and commiserate with me”.
I have found that often times we get frustrated when what we want doesn’t line up with what the other person is naturally inclined to do. If someone wants to vent, and you want to help, then they don’t get to vent. If someone wants help, but you’re just a listening ear, then they feel like they aren’t getting the help they need. It may feel fake/robotic, but asking what they want, or declaring what you want from them, will help you give them what they NEED in the moment.
Alternatively, start to journal. I will often find that if I journal my thoughts out before talking to my partner, I can usually remove a lot of the “extra crap” and/or noise that gets stuck in my head through the day. Think of it like clearing the cache from your web browser, so only the important stuff remains.
Basically what you’re doing is trauma dumping into a journal, and then filtering out the “noise” when you talk to your partner. Suddenly your trauma dump turns into a trauma “sprinkle”, where you’re just saying “Steve at work is a poopoo head”, and then you can laugh at how bad Steve is (not always, sometimes it’s major, but sometimes).
I would also suggest that your wife journals as well. Because what is happening right now is that your wife isn’t journaling after a tough shift, and she is trauma dumping on you. When you are in the need to trauma dump on her, the both of you are just trauma dumping on each other, and it doesn’t actually help anyone. You’re frustrated at shit you can’t control, and so you’re just venting.
I’m not saying that it fixes everything, but it does help to get your thoughts out of your head before stressing each other out.
But it’s also not fair that she gets to trauma dump on you, and you’re not allowed to trauma dump on her.
I’m a military officer and aviator; I’m probably going to be the same way with her.
You either need to see if she can change her shift schedule or hospital/floor she works at (to see if that will lower her stress) or you just need to find someone else to confide in if your wife is not going to be available. If she is stressed and you go to her for support too frequently, it will cause problems. When women are stressed they seek a man for stability, not for more stress and turmoil. That’s just the truth of it. Find a therapist, a close friend, or a dog, etc. that you can vent to/confide in. Some people use the gym as a way to cope.
I can only tell how it was growing up. My mom was a nurse my dad a social worker in the psychiatric part of the same hospital. Growing up my parents took turns at the dinner table talking about their day’s, the good and bad. But I know if something especially bad happened they would also talk when I was in bed.
My dad later explained that communication was always very important to both of them and for them it helped that they worked in the same hospital and knew a lot of the same people. He also said sometimes they vented to their respective coworkers/ friends too so as not to overwhelm eachother or still navigate daily life with a child and not let it show to me.
I loved the dinners because of them talking about their day’s and what happened I learned a lot! They always made sure to explain rules/ procedures and answered all questions in a way that was correct but still kid friendly.
I think what really also made them great at communicating and sticking together was that they travelled in Asia via backpack for 1,5 years together and learned to absolutely rely and trust each other.
First off: MARRY A NURSE they, for the most part, are amazing human beings.
My wife works 13 hour shifts as a NP Obstetrics type (actually nurse midwife), previously an OB nurse.
The bad part about being in a relationship with a nurse is you have to “step up your game” on their work days. I do not count on sex, and I make dinner. After dinner, I will do all the clean up as well. You also have to listen to them decompress. They literally get pooped on at work. In some areas, they get punched or felt up by patients. Shut up and listen and validate them.
There are some really cool things. If you they are an LPN or RN there are countless opportunities for advancement that most places will pay for. There are also some cool jobs out there that are less demanding.
If you are into travel, then that is cool too. She can take a travel gig and either focus on more money or a cool destination. For a while we were considering her doing a gig in Guam. I would get to be a SCUBA bum.
Or lets say that you want to stay put, but want to travel to other places. If you have PTO, she does because she can arrange her schedule such that you can travel. If you need a little extra cash, well she can pick up extra shifts. Moonlighting is very common, and a nurse could have two or three jobs. One main one, and others as needed.
In some ways it is a really cool career, but in others it is quite horrible. It takes a very special person to be good at it.
When I am not “stepping up my game”, and even sometimes when I am, she shows me so much love and support it makes things all worthwhile. Together we have built an amazing family and have a lot of fun together.
Your girlfriend shouldn’t be your only source of support. Friends should be able to step in, and maybe even a therapist
As a male nurse, I definitely feel where she’s coming from. I get so much stress, drama, chaos, literally violence sometimes thrown at me that I just want peace at home and I tend to shut down when it comes my way and avoid it entirely which I know is not always healthy.
I also get where you’re coming from, this is kinda why I’m not in a rush to date or be in a relationship atm. I give all of my energy, empathy, and compassion to my patients and I have none to give at home until I recharge. I imagine she feels the same way and a lot of my coworkers would agree.
I wish I could tell you something easy that could help, but really it’s just catching her on a good day and ideally after a few days off the shift. Give her some space and let her decompress for a bit before you approach her with your worries. If she cares, she will absolutely give you your time, you just gotta let her have hers first.
Don’t gaslight yourself bro. Plenty of people in the world have stressful jobs. That doesn’t excuse them being emotionally fucked or being unavailable.
My wife is a nurse, and she used to (and still does to an extent) do this. Keep in mind, I was a surgery resident. If any nurse wanted to go toe to toe on hours, stress, etc, I had it worse. But the point is, my job doesn’t give me an excuse to be emotionally absent. It shouldn’t give them one either.
>she realizes all of this and wants to be there for me
Well the good news is that you’re in a relationship where you’re able to talk about that sort of thing and she does actually care for your well being, so it’s not an intentional one way street.
As others have said, friends and family are good support networks too. Personally I catch up with my parents once a week where we unpack the week and can also talk about all the small and big picture stuff. That doesn’t mean icing your girlfriend out but you let the steam off until there’s a better time for a proper deep and meaningful with your GF.
If you eat dinner together, maybe put some tunes on and have a chat whilst munching rather than watching TV. That way you can just talk out your days in hopefully low impact ways… plus just enjoy each others company and conversation… which ideally helps you both unwind because it doesn’t always have to be heavy conversation and can be part of relaxing for both of you.
Then for the heavier stuff, pick the time when you’ve both got time off for the deeper kind of chat where you can be a bit more present.
What does this have to do with nurses?
What’s so interesting about this to me is how much the guys have to tiptoe around the women who are nurses.
I’m a nurse myself (also a man) and while my wife does do quite a bit around the house especially when I’m working 12 hour shifts and between them I’m very much expected to be helping out when I’m awake between 2 consecutive ones and I couldn’t imagine bringing work stress home with me on anything resembling a frequent basis.
The ugly truth is that if you’re not a doctor or a nurse, don’t date a nurse.
Save it for one of the four days a week she isn’t it work or talk to someone else. It isn’t that hard.
What are you hoping she will do for you? What are you missing from her when she is exhausted that you need to help you with your emotional distress? If you are missing her companionship because she is spent, that’s one thing, but if someone is tired they are tired. Are you looking for her to pamper you some? Say everything is OK? Does she ask you for things when she is exhausted and you don’t get those back in return? Asking genuinely.
Why would anyone “plan a bad day?” Why is there a need to have the bad time in the first place? I mean, what good comes from negative emotions that you are trying to make room for them and share them with others. I don’t ask this to give you a hard time. I ask this because would it not be better to mitigate negative emotions and distress rather than find “a home” for them or someone to share them with?
I say this because despite being emotional creatures, there is literally nothing to gain at all from entertaining negative emotions, bad thoughts, stress, anxiety, regret, etc…it is all literally a waste of your time. Not to imply it is even remotely easy to just not have those feelings, but i think people do themselves a disservice when they look to unload those feelings on other people rather than focusing on excising them from your life. If you aren’t working towards healthier approaches to life and learning to avoid those “bad days,” you are only perpetuating those bad days.
This is coming from someone who used to be plagued by depression, regret, and envy. Defintely not suggesting to be a doorstep for other people, I just found I became much happier once I stopped harboring negative emotions or looking for people to vent them to. Hope you and your girl find a good balance. Focus on the good stuff only 🙂
I totally feel this.
When my wife was working in the hospital, I felt that no matter what I do or say I couldn’t “make it better” so one thing I learned to do is listen and support. This has gotten a lot better since she went outpatient and has relatively normal hours now, but I definitely still have those tendencies.
That being said, regardless of your job, it’s not a good thing to compare hardships with anyone. What might make a day bad for you wouldn’t even effect your partner, and vice versa. There is no trick, you don’t need to “schedule” your bad days, but read the environment. If you can tell she’s stressed, then maybe take a minute and be present for her, so that when you’re feeling stressed, she can reciprocate that feeling to you!
Also therapy. 100% helps no matter whatever situation you’re in, so I would look into that too
My wife works as a nurse at a methadone clinic (also studying to get a bachelor’s degree in Healthcare administration.)
She does require a lot of effort on my part. Especially with us having two kids together. I fell into a role of taking care of our home and children while supporting her emotionally.
And you know what? She does it for me as well. My oldest child is from a previous relationship and since he turned 18, he has been causing a storm of drama and emotional issues. It’s been tearing me up inside but she is there for me. I don’t know how I would handle it without her.
We talk. We’re open with each other. We don’t let ego get on the way of loving and helping each other.
I will admit there are some days I have to push down my feelings and issues to help her because she needs it more than I do. But then again, I have tons of experience from previous relationships where I NEVER got to talk about my feelings or needs without starting a fight. So holding off a day or two for this beautiful woman I love isn’t a problem for me.
My wife is the same she is emotionally unavailable I don’t think it’s a nurse thing as its more complex and nuanced than that. It’s like compartmentalisation. My wife is also suffering from chronic pain so her cup is always empty. I make sure my cup is as full as it can be. I know I can rely on my wife for support if I needed it but I also know she can’t always give me the support I need.
I would be Interested in knowing what sort of emotional support you need from her? What’s brought all this on? Has she said anything to you?
My life got infinitely better when I went to the gym with a gym bro. Helps me have an outlet so I can be better placed to support my wife.
My bad day: my work colleagues are being wankers
My wife’s: held peoples hands whilst they died, got punched by a drunk. Relatives shouting at me. Everything hurts. She didn’t talk about COVID but I see it on her face.
Her gift is helping people through the worse days of their lives. I only hope that when I need a nurse that I get a good one like her. My gift is doing all those little things that her patients can’t do for her but I can.
Edit: I’m a huge advocate for helping bros out so just reach out if you need to.
Because from my perspective her days are a lot worse on average. I may hate working with the public, but they are a lot worse in high stress situations. The main difference is definitely in our sleep schedules though. Usually when I am done with work is when she is starting hers so there is usually only a little contact during the few hours after her shift once I wake up. And then we schedule our days off to sync up.
You’re not going to get the emotional support you need from a hospital nurse, they’re already feeding it to their job. part of the reason adultery rates are sky high
I’ll get hate but I would never date a nurse, too many issues including their sky high rates of infidelity. It’s all anecdotal but I’ve seen 9/10 prove the stereotypes as opposed to the 1/10 that don’t.
I dated a paramedic for 5 years and i like you have a lower stress job was her outlet for venting from time to time
a few ideas:
do you have a good friend that would be willing to take a phone call on a day you’re feeling bad so you could rant to them for a bit when your s/o isn’t able to listen to you?
you say you cant admit that you’re stressed when she’s already stressed, does she feel the same way when she comes home and sees you’re already stressed? if not, do you feel this is unfair? do you two want to have a conversation where you brainstorm a compromise? If she’s not aware that this is bothering you, she can’t help you.
Are you willing to live like this long-term? obviously no one likes giving an ultimatum, but saying something like “listen i cant live the rest of my life with someone who can never take care if me like the way i take care of them. if this specific nursing position at this specific location is what you want to do for the rest of your life, i don’t think we’re compatible long term” might be the truth you have to tell her.
The reality is women handle work stress even more poorly than men. Plenty of men have. Stressful jobs and turn it off when they walk through the door to be there for their family
> she can’t support me the way I can support her
That’s normal for all women, that’s why men are supposed to learn how to manage the majority of their emotions and have a male they can go to for help with the remainder.
It’s an unpopular notion these days, but it’s still necessary.
So I might be wrong. I’ve had three girlfriends ask me about my emotions. “You never cry” “you texted me you were furious!? Yet you arnt” etc.. I don’t think your partner or girlfriend needs to help you with your emotions. I think they would be bad at it. Women deal with emotions by talking. Men , in my opinion, use their emotions to focus on solutions. That’s why women say “I don’t want you to fix my problems I just want you to listen “
don’t worry, this has nothing to do with nurses in particular.
My wife is a nurse. It nearly killed her, put her in a psychiatric hospital for a few weeks last year. She finally quit and found a different type of job. That’s unfortunately the only real fix for the situation, she has to find different type of employment. The hospitals are fucked, they will kill thier own staff, it means nothing to them.
I know this is ask men but as a nurse who has been with my husband for 4 years, it doesn’t sound like she is emotionally available and this doesn’t have much to do with being a nurse. Nurses need to be able to compartmentalize their lives. When work stresses me out, I talk to my coworkers about it- not my husband. Sure, maybe I go home a little on the down side but I always make sure I’m still available for my husband. He didn’t choose my career path but he did choose me so I owe it to him to make the effort to support him. Truly if I needed to talk about work he would listen and be there for me but I know it’s not healthy for either of us. Maybe talk to her about it? She might not realize she’s so unavailable or she might not realize that you aren’t the appropriate outlet for her work issues.
Hey Male nurse here. I dated an anxious girl who was in med school who didn’t understand my life/schedule.
So understand she doesn’t have the mental bandwidth after 12 hours of dealing with everyone else problems (family, patient, doctors, other nurses, allied health, social work and herself trying to physically and mentally be healthy for work). Where is that person to fill her cup? All she wants is to lay around in silence and peace in your arms and a nice cooked meal. Imagine being in a warzone for 12 hours and you’re dealing with all types of personalities, critically thinking life and death situations, using therapeutic conversation and de-escalation for angry and psych patients, offering an ear to someone at the hospital with no family coming in. And then coming home to some who wants more of your energy. You’re only seeing the tip of the iceberg when you speak to a nurse.
What you need to do is ask when it’s okay to talk about your problems. It might not be right after work. It might have to be on a day off . Even then ask her when’s a good time maybe not on the first day off but the second day off. It’s not that health care works are emotionally unavailable. It’s we’re burnt out and need someone to make us feel safe. I think this is why health care workers date other health care workers. We spend all day in the same place and understand each other. I hope this helps.
I work very hard to protect my peace and energy outside of work and after work. Health care is brutal if you’re not strong minded and taking care of yourself chances are you’ll spiral down and leave the profession. I remove all energy leachers who don’t want to fix their problems. Some people only want to vent about their problems and never actually fix the underlying issues. So to see it in patients and at home would be dreadful. Not saying you’re that but it could very well push her away.
There are some people who will not have the ability to emotionally support their partners as much as we would like. You really have 2 choices of learning to deal or ending the relationship to find somebody else. So get into therapy, find your escape (nothing addictive or destructive plz), find your hobby, learn to meditate.
Tread carefully. You’re a grown adult and you should be capable of handling yourself and your problems. We all have bad days but we shouldn’t be needing to use our partners as therapists for our bad days. There should be some resilience from a grown adult as to how to handle himself.
When my mother died, my boyfriend complained that I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with him. Of course, I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with him I’d lost my mother. I’ll never forgive him for that.And he will get precious little sympathy from me when his mother dies.
My ex wife was a nurse, and her hospital was staffed and she still exhibited this behavior.
We both work in healthcare at bedside , both in a hospital but different disciplines. I worked 5 days a week she did 3 12’s.
I was always reminded that she just worked a 12 the day after a shift and the day before I had to “make her day” easy by not being anything other than a happy person. She was unable to cope with her job stress and took it out on me
My mother is a nurse and was for most of my childhood.
Dad did as much around the house as he could when she was on shift. He also made sure my sister and I left her alone for a good hour after she got home.
To Mom’s credit, she always did her best to leave work and work and never let it keep her from being a kick ass mother.