Whats up men,
I (30m) am at a crossroads in my life. Throughout my 20s, I had a very active social life. As I get older though, as most people experience, this has slowed down dramatically. Not only is it other people who are drifting to suburbs, new cities, and just overall not hanging out as much, but it is also me, I have way less desire to go out on the weekends and socialize in general. This may be caused by me quitting drinking and also I work remotely in sales so I am on calls all day everyday, which may drain my social battery.
This has led me to think it might make sense to move cities permanently. I live in a cold weather city and absolutely hate the cold. I want to make a move to a warm weather city but I am concerned with loneliness. I may not currently have a strong desire to hang out with friends, but what happens when I can’t see my friends and family?
I will likely do a trial run for a year and see how it goes, but I’d love to hear some stories. For those of you who moved cities permanently in your 30s, how did it go?
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Damn, its like i wrote this myself. Im in the same boat lol.
Choose a place
Move there. Once you have a job, start volunteering. Look around for groups that are actively working to make the world a better place. Join them.
Groups like this tend to be made up of basically optimistic people (you pretty much have to be an optimist to believe that you can make the world a better place)
And of course welcoming, because if they aren’t welcoming, the group doesn’t grow.
I moved 1200 miles for a job and have been in this city for 5 years now. I fly to see my family a few times a year when I miss them and they visit me as well.
I have made new friends through work and activities, so I don’t really feel lonely or like I’m missing out.
No move is really permanent until you die there, and I see myself moving in the future for a better job opportunity.
I stopped drinking at 26 and just made a “permanent” cross country move at 28 after being fed up with where I was.
When you know it’s time to go, it’s time. You will always have that nagging feeling that something else is waiting for you.
In my opinion, moving is always worth it if you have the means and want to do it. You gain so much experience
Originally from a small town in South Carolina. Wound up in New Jersey (military reasons), but got out and had to decide if i wanted to stay. Was in the same boat as you, and wound up moving to a town in Arizona at 34. 36 now and wish I would’ve done it sooner. I moved with my wife, so the loneliness isn’t really a thing for me, but I can see how it would be if I weren’t. I personally believe everyone should move to a new city at least once. Sure you’ll miss some things, but you’ll get to experience some things you couldn’t have otherwise. I miss the food on the east coast, but I love the weather here. Just realize you are going to give up some things. Loneliness is a legit fear, but not something that is guaranteed. Can always make friends. The cold weather is guaranteed if you stay. My advice, make a list of pros/cons of each area, and figure out which one is more appealing.
Friends will keep falling off the table as they get married, have kids, move, etc. in your 30s. You are still plenty young enough to give it a try and relocate. How much you miss your family depends on how close you are with them and how often you actually see them. You all still have phones to talk.
I relocated in my 30s, but I was married with a child. I realized that unless you are seeing and spending time with people regularly, you probably won’t miss them as much as you think. If you can plug into a good social scene in your new city, it will help a lot with loneliness. Having family around is good, but friends can fill the void. If you feel an urge to move, I say try it. Especially since you do remote work. Weather can make a huge difference in well-being as well. Cold weather brings the blues for me. You can always move back. I moved twice and returned home twice. The 3rd time was for good. Not being able to deal w cold weather long term was the biggest factor for me.
Moved from Seattle to Anchorage when I was 30 (now 48), guess Seattle wasn’t cold and dark enough for me.
Extremely well. I moved from Aspen to key west when I was 30. Now I run my own charter company and bartends a few nights a week. Started as a mate got my license ran their boats saved money bought my own boat opens for business and now I have 3 captains and boats under me. Loving life. Left all the bullshit behind and started fresh.
Moved to a city at 29. 10 years later I have a career im proud of, a partner and 3 kids. Never thought I’d be here! I’d say that had i moved to the city when I was younger it wouldn’t have worked out. So I say go for it champ; nothing ventured nothing gained!
I had to move in with my parents after struggling to find meaningful work in my 20s. It was tough at first. I missed my friends, felt like a failure, didn’t know what direction to take my life. I got a job in a casino and just worked non stop.
I eventually met some people with similar interests and started having a social life again. My dad loaned me some money to go back to school and I got a high paying job and moved out on my own.
I still miss my friends, but I play video games with them online, or sometimes video call in to a DnD session. I have a wife and kids now, a career, a house. It was a hard band aid to pull, but my life is 100% better for doing it.
I did the opposite, sort of. Moved from San Diego to the San Francisco bay area. Of course that’s not like moving from Miami to Vermont, but still, it’s definitely colder here in the winter. And my employer was the same company. I definitely prefer it here in the SF bay area because it’s more multicultural, for example, with restaurants.
My wife and I moved from NYC to Houston (with one kid), and then from Houston to Philadelphia (with two kids), all in our 30s.
Now, I’ve established a pretty good friend group here. The caveat is that all of the people I’ve met is via my kids. Now caveat going to the other way, is that I’ve started doing activities again (as the kids are getting older) and have met some people that way.
If your friend group is dwindling, and you aren’t making friends in your current city, changing cities is not going to change that. However, you say you want warm weather, so maybe that means you’ll go out and do stuff more often, which will help you meet new people. But you actually have to make the effort to do this.
But to answer your question, it’s been great. We love where we live now. Great little neighborhood, I have a bunch of other dads around the area that I hang out with, and other couples that the wife and I hang out with.
Moved countries at 13. Moved cities at 16, back to previous city at 20, moved to another city at 24 and have now been here for 19 years. AMA 😀
I relocated for a career opportunity I couldn’t refuse in my early 30s and retired in my early 40s.
Go where the opportunity is.
I did it at 21 moving 100 miles away and then to a whole other state at 43. Both best decisions of my life. First was to buy a house in a more affordable market and good job opportunity with company I was with. At 43 and self employed moving to another state and starting completely over was a little scary. But I know I could do it and 11 years later I’m in a much better place overall personally and in business. Change is invigorating
I’m from the UK but moved across the pond to Tampa at 27. Just turned 30. Best decision of my life, I also lived in Australia for a few years when I was younger.
Tampa was a good option for me personally as a wanted better weather, fairly affordable, and most people I meet are not from here. A lot of people move here from other states making it a pretty friendly place to live. Met the majority of my current friends now at the pool in my first apartment building.
Settled now in a house with girlfriend etc. but I’ll never move home and most of my single friends who moved from Chicago, New York State etc. will also never be going home.
It can feel like a hard move but if you have a remote job or something secured in the place you plan on moving to, it will be a pretty easy and fruitful transition!
Hard to make friends, bigger dating pool of women you haven’t been with, pain in the ass to move, and learn where everything is.
In the last 20 years, I’ve lived in 11 different cities I 4 continents . I’m now 38. I’ve been living in a new city for last three years. Me wife have kids now. The thing about moving cities is it reinvigorates you to be more social you’ll go out more. You’re forced to meet people you forced to have good times and you’ll also meet our expats who are in the exact same boat as you so you end up making really strongfast friends everyone’s got a lot of love of life and you end up sort of feeling more engaged with the place and where you are I highly recommend it. I think moving there a couple years is just fantastic.
Voice note so excuse the typos
After doing a long stretch in prison, I decided on a new city for a fresh start. I had been on a prison release volunteer program for some time, so I knew some people in the community who I considered good supports.
Move to a new city and started my life fresh over. Managed to finish the trade ticket I started inside and get my JM. got a good job, bought my own home, which i was able to afford by living in a smaller city. Find it harder to make friends at this life stage, and doubly so as a blue collar man who doesn’t drink alcohol. But I enjoy my life most days, have hobbies and see my family often enough to be happy.
Move and commit. If you always have one foot out the door, it may prevent you connecting, self-fulfilling your worry it’s not a fit.
I’m in my early thirties and have lived in 7 different states. The best advice I can give you is to go visit, meet some people, and see how the culture is before pulling the trigger. People are so different from city to city. My family is dispersed across a few different states, so it became pretty apparent that everyone living in one city is nothing more than a fairytale at this point— but, FaceTime and Phone calls are pretty much all you need with a handful of visits a year.
Be aware that moving from the North to anywhere in the Southeast/Central South will come with MAJOR cultural differences and certain people who don’t take kindly to transplants.. especially people north of the Mason-Dixon Line (except Texas and maybe a few others). I would personally avoid anywhere where someone says “bless your heart” as a polite way to call you stupid.
I got fed up with Seattle and moved to Helsinki (with my Finnish wife) when I was 30. It’s now 20 years later and I learned the language, got citizenship and I am absolutely certain I did the right thing for my life. I knew the minute I arrived here for the first time in 1998 that I had to be here. I cannot explain it but when you know you know. I have never for a single day regretted it, even in the winter when the wind blows off the Baltic and makes this city into a god forsaken bitch of a place. Because I know I had to be here. My advice to you is if you know you’ve got to move…then move, and dont waste time. You can always move again. But don’t waste your precious time pining for someplace else. Do it.
I lived my Chicago until my mid twenties then moved to London for work then Amsterdam and back to Chicago. I lived out of the country for about 10 years and it was the single greatest time of my life. New challenges, new friends, new travel adventures, new exposure to different lifestyles and cultures.
I’m currently fielding offers for work in Switzerland as my next move(unless I decide to buy a business here in Chicago)
Not being able to see your friends isn’t so bad because of technology. I know it’s not the same but it helps. The thing that caused a bigger issue for me was the time difference.
I did a lot of volunteer work to meet like minded people that didn’t serve an agenda, like those so called friends who just wanna go out and get fucked up or the like.
Absolutely. Fucking. Do. It.
Live your life. You only get one.
In my 30s socializing has become less of a need. Its important to have friends you trust, but all of the pointless socializing — that is, where I’m not making friends, strengthening friendships, or meeting women — has become less appealing.
I moved from a small town without a stop light to a small city. Small city was perfect for having options when raising children. Now that they’re out of the house, I kinda feel like going small town again.
Did it. Liked it at first…then grew to prefer it over the places I spent my life previously.
Yes, hating winter weather is part of why I’m glad I choose tropical climates now.
And being back home to visit the best fam and friends in the world – really it just reminds of how way-too-busy and sprawled out everyone’s lives and locations are around the old suburbs. Don’t really miss anything about that life.
I never lived anyplace more than 2.5 years until I turned 50. Now I live 2800 miles from my family and hs/college friends. Couldn’t be happier, living in one place, made new friends, plus I fly back “home” at least once per year to visit. Evidently I see those folks about as often as they see each other.
I moved across the country when I was 32.
I moved from a city that I had lived for 9 years, and went to graduate school in. I had a robust social life, and knew the city very well. I did not want to leave.
I moved to a city that my wife grew up in and her parents and many of her high school friends still live.
Even with the built in network it was hard.
After seven years here I finally feel familiar. I still don’t like the city as much as the previous one, but I like the state and I can recognize that there are advantages to living here.
My biggest piece of advice is to find a hobby or a sport that you can do with other people and show up consistently.
I left the cold weather city I grew up in for the PNW near the border of Canada and the US, which I guess is warmer but its no San Diego. Still, even with having to form all new social connections its so nice here. This is the only place my daughter has known as I moved with her when she was a baby. Family visits occasionally and I visit them once every year or two. Same with friends.
If were being realistic us busy guys in our 30s don’t socialize that much anyway. It didn’t matter if I lived in the same city with all my closest friends anymore I’d probably have still seen them a similar amount if I hadn’t moved. But now at least I hike year round with my dog and don’t freeze my ass off for six months a year.
I’ve technically moved across 2, though they weren’t far apart. In my late 30s I’ve seen happen what other describe- the drop off of social visits with friends as they focus on other things like their children.
I made the wrong choice with the first city, as it didn’t have much going on.
The latest is much better so far, I’m still yet to socialise in any kind of anger, but the city has an active city centre with plenty of Meetup events, and great transport links to nearby city’s.
I’ve moved for abundance of options, I had the calling and have no regrets.
I moved 4 times in my 30s, starting right at 30, it’s no big deal. Yes you will probably have less long term friends, but more experiences.
I haven’t moved in a while, but have the itch… I’ve been here for 8 years and it’s the longest place I’ve lived as an adult…
In my 20s, I moved 4 times also.
Some of the places were the same city for a 2nd time.
4 of the moves were with my ex wife, so at least I had a travel buddy.
I would probably have a lot more friends if I didn’t do that…so it’s a definite trade off, your results may vary.
I moved at 30 to Austin (2010), left at 40 (Covid) and recently settled down in to St Petersburg, FL
Starting over is massively rewarding and massively difficult at times.
You get to redesign your life, reset yourself, and move on from people who are holding you in the past.
But it takes a while to find yourself.
my best recommendation is to really research what sorts of meetup.com groups and hobby groups are there and appeal to you.
At 30 this is easy, because there’s more out there targeting your age range. A bit harder for me in my 40s.
then, visit once and stay in a hotel in a cool “going out” part of town (usually a downtown), and then rent an airbnb for a week in a neighborhood you plan to live in.
At that point, you’ll know what your getting in to
Moved to be with my wife.
2 kids and a house later I think it’s going pretty well.
I moved to a new city at 27 and 29, and it was transformative for me. I learnt a few things.
A new city is a chance to be a new person.
Sometimes the environment you’re in and the community you’ve built prevents you from changing or evolving in the ways you want to. Happy to go into more detail but both times that I moved allowed me to evolve who I was in ways that were very meaningful to me.
Saying yes is important
I’m generally the kind of person who would rather stay in most weekends than go out. However, when I’m settling into a new city. I tend to say yes to almost every invitation. I’ve met some of my closest friends at events that I was very skeptical about attending. Find the social media pages that curate events in your city. Reach out to anyone you might know in the city, grab coffee with them, and ask them to invite you to things. When they do, let your default answer be yes
Community is everything
I’ve learned that I need one or two close friends before I can start to settle in and explore a city. It’s important to be intentional about trying to build a community when you move to a new city
Things will take the time that they take
There’s no preset amount of time for adjusting to a new city. Even after a year in my current city there are still ways that in still settling in. I’ve learned to give myself the grace and time necessary to adjust.
In my mid-30s I moved 500 miles for a job. Luckily I landed on a team of really cool people that hung out after work. But I also joined every meet up around that aligned with my hobbies. I joined hiking, road biking, running, and a home beer brewers meetup. That kept me from getting bored on the weekends, and even though I’m not super social as an introvert, you don’t have to talk much on a 10 mile hike, it’s just nice to be part of a group.
Well, I moved thrice to new cities in my thirties, to new cities in new countries. But I moved again in my forties, so I guess none of those were permanent.
The thing I’d note is that you need to be aggressive about exploring the place – visiting all the locations, asking possibly dumb questions about lifestyle. The six months I spent in England without a dehumidifier, or the six months I spent in France buying bread at the supermarché, could’ve been much longer if I didn’t question my assumptions, explore, ask my colleagues, etc.
A couple years ago around the time I turned 50,. I uprooted from the area I grew up in (Colorado) and moved cross-country to Portland, OR (for a job that offered to double my pay.. so it wasn’t really something I could say “no” to, long story short)
I’m not terribly enamored with Portland (not good or bad, just don’t really care 1 way or another).
For me, the biggest realization(s) I had was getting out of the area in Colorado that I grew up in ,. .theres a lot of things about that experience that you can’t really objectively see unless or until you step outside of it. I was happy in that city (honestly wanted to retire there).. but moving to Portland makes me realize how “small” my previous city was (since Portland is 2x to 3x larger). I still am very fond of the previous city I lived in and if I could find a job that paid enough to live, I’d move back there in a heartbeat.
The job I moved here for is supposed to be 100% WFH ,. and that’s been absolutely huge for my mental health and overall health. (although pointing this out really has nothing to do with the city. .you could move anywhere and stay inside your Apartment 95% of the time). But if I had never moved here, I would never have had the WFH experience most likely.
Moving here helped me realize I could basically repeat that process and move anywhere if I wanted to. (there’s a few other US Cities on my mental list I’d like to explore before I get to old to do that)
Cities are in large part the same though. Cities have roads, Cities have buildings, Cities have restaurants and sports arenas and Bands coming through them on occasion. Having that realization is also good and bad. You start to see patterns in human behavior that are common everywhere.
I’m 100% glad I did it. It was the right move for me at the time I stumbled into it. I’d like to repeat that move several more times ,. although now with all the instability and unpredictability of everything going on here in the US,. Like many people I’m kind of in “hunker down and keep my head down” mode until whatever happens happens and I’ll react then.
My entire outlook on life changed.
Former city boy, moved to the country a yr ago, I will never go back.
People here are considerate, no violent crime cause we all have guns and this state believes in the 1st amendment, I get peaches and eggs from my neighbors yard and I trade them for veggies I grow, more community, and I dare criminals to try and steal from the stores here..
Permanently is a big word, but I’ll take it to mean not a vacation or a for a defined period of time like going away for school or a long work project. At 30 I moves to the Caribbean, and it worked out just fine. Now I was in the restaurant/bar business so meeting new friends wasn’t an issue at all. The interesting thing was what I call small pond effect. I was no superstar in the states. Generally competent,not a huge fuck up, moderately ambitious, bit not Type A at all. But in the islands my skill set and attitude made me kind of a big fish. I was able to score a job as a professional Divemaster and scuba dive for a living for a couple years, then I opened up my own restaurant and was successful with that because if you were just what would be considered kind of good by US standards, that made made top tier by island standards. I eventually moved back to the states for personal reasons, but overall I’d say I did well. However, that’s a strategy I would suggest to a lot of people, move somewhere less developed where just your general capacity to navigate US big city business world gives you a head start.
Trial run is a great idea.
Absolutely loved it and would love to do it again.
Nothing grows in your comfort zone
I changed cities (and countries) as I turned 30, and my social life and group of friends has never been better than it is now
I moved to Salt Lake City in my 30s to get closer to jobs in my field, and while I accomplished that and got a great job, I absolutely hate living here. Half of everyone you meet is a Mormon, and the state has no culture outside of Utah State and BYU sports rivalry. It’s expensive, and once you’ve settled and bought into everything you realize there are hardly any good restaurants (the food sucks), the bars are few and far between unless you’re downtown, and unless you go hiking it’s just really boring in general. The air quality is terrible so it’s not even like the elevation is worth it.
Overall I just wished I had picked a better city.
I stay in a big city in the east, the biggest city, I love it, my circles are still small, but I enjoy a very active community. It does come in ebbs and flows though. I’m gay though so that’s prob a factor in the social dynamics.
Something I have noticed is that transplants seem to be more proactive about their lifestyle/career while locals seem to not be as hungry.
Went well, moved from the cheese capital of the world to the big city 52 miles away. Been here 30 years and I could never go back to the small town…
Well nothing is permanent but I moved early thirties and have no regrets.
I’m not a smoker/drinker and no drugs. I moved to PNW where both those are very prevalent so making friends can be a little wishy washy depending on their level of engagement into those things.
Dating wise, it’s been the same. Maybe a little better/easier since women can show you some of their favorite places which has many benefits including being somewhere she’s comfortable and you both can focus on each other a little easier. But same problems as making friends with drugs/smoking/alcohol. A big benefit is I moved from my home town and kinda hated dating there since everyone kinda knew everyone.
It’s bigger than my home town which is nice but not a super big city. It’s small enough need travels fast and people don’t forget names.
Loneliness wise, if you’re not going out and making new friends where you currently are…what makes you think you’ll do that in a new area? Or what’s going to keep you going out when the newness wears off?
I moved to different country and had to learn the language at 29yo for a job offer.
Yes, I left my family, friends and love of my life… but years later I realized; I was never going to grow being always under my parents wings. I was super immature; petulant, snob, basically an asshole.
I’ve learned a lot. Life hit me where I needed it; it humbled me…. Have had many life experiences. Endless growth and gratitude. Also aloud me to travel the world. No regrets. I’m now 46. I am alone in my house, but not lonely. Have built good friendships and I can visit family anytime.
I’ve moved to new cities a couple of times. It’s hard to make friends in a new city. Particularly if you work from home. My most recent city move was about 3 years ago, and like you I also work from home. I can’t say I’ve really found friends in that time, but I’ve built up a enough acquaintances to not feel lonely.
I’m pretty introverted, and my social battery has a pretty small charge. It’s really easy for me to just sit at home. In previous moves I was able to make friends through work and networking events related to my career. Working from home that’s not really possible for me anymore. It’s bit a bit difficult to motivate myself, I have to force myself to go to events and join groups.
This time around it’s been much slower going finding friends. However, in the past year or so I’ve had more success after finally finding a few groups that I vibe with. I found a community at my gym, I joined a run club, I’ve meet people at cycling events, and I’ve been gardening with other people. It also helps that I chose a city where my interests are pretty popular.
Its good. I don’t have 18 neighbors on top of me every day. My dogs actually smile too.
If home ownership was the engine of stability for previous generations, as they worked towards retirement with one company, mobility is the new engine for stability and upward mobility for the current working generation in order to pursue opportunities for advancement in positional authority and pay. Start looking for, and applying to, places across the country. Move when one opens up.
I did so twice in my late 20s. If I had it to do over, I would have done something else.
I didn’t know anyone in the two cities I moved to. I left behind my family and friends. The friends I made were from work and those aren’t the friends you get really close to. This was before the Internet, so it was hard to find someone to date. That means it was a lonely time in my life. I became a workaholic and I didn’t get out much. I drank too much also.
The company I worked for didn’t make a lot of money, so they were in crisis mode a lot. I reached a dead-end around the time I was 30 and then I got laid off. Getting laid off was actually a great thing looking back on it. I upgraded my credentials afterwards, then moved back to my home town and found a job in a different industry that changed my life.