My (29F) husband (37M) and I have been married for 2 years. We had a lot of distance (deployments/military) within that time frame, some really hard times, but decided ultimately we want to make our marriage work. We’ve been going to therapy, he’s been doing a LOT of self work, and things are on a better path now.
One thing we keep going back to is his need for quiet and solitude, and how to make that work within our marriage living in the same home. I am admittedly a certified yapper and could probably take my talking down a notch, but he is on the opposite spectrum. He would go dayssss without talking to anybody before he met me and says he requires that type of silence/solitude. We HAVE discussed that this could truly be a compatibility issue, but before we part ways over that, we want to figure out if it’s something that can even be worked through.
I have suggested solo camping trips to fulfill this need and I support it, but other than that, have you been in this situation where your marriage actually worked and needs were met?
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My (29F) husband (37M) and I have been married for 2 years. We had a lot of distance (deployments/military) within that time frame, some really hard times, but decided ultimately we want to make our marriage work. We’ve been going to therapy, he’s been doing a LOT of self work, and things are on a better path now.
One thing we keep going back to is his need for quiet and solitude, and how to make that work within our marriage living in the same home. I am admittedly a certified yapper and could probably take my talking down a notch, but he is on the opposite spectrum. He would go dayssss without talking to anybody before he met me and says he requires that type of silence/solitude. We HAVE discussed that this could truly be a compatibility issue, but before we part ways over that, we want to figure out if it’s something that can even be worked through.
I have suggested solo camping trips to fulfill this need and I support it, but other than that, have you been in this situation where your marriage actually worked and needs were met?
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Therapy is more likely to lead to a divorce than improved relationship. I’ll bet you $200 vs $20 from you that you’ll be divorced by this time next year.
When he takes his space do you give him grief about it, or do you acknowledge the need and allow him to be an individual? If he’s neglecting you, that could be a problem, but men just need alone time
I work from home and have an entirely separate building on the property where I work most of the day.
I require solitude and silence for long periods.
She has no job and takes care of the kids. We have nannies and maids. She has her friends she can go hang out with or go shopping with and her family that visits pretty often.
Me: Hey babe, I need some quiet time in the garage today.
Her: ok hun, I’ll be in our room reading garbage. See you at dinner 💋
Done
I’m this way and my marriage works for a number of reasons, which probably aren’t applicable to you. First, my wife and I are living apart together (LAT), a couple hours apart. Our careers/homes/kids keep us in our respective locations until those things change. Second, my wife is an introvert/homebody, so base nature isn’t incompatible. Third, when we are together, we are comfortable just being with each other, without necessarily actively being engaged or in each other’s space. It’s all peace.
Have you considered finding a compromise on the yapping?
An hour of silence right after waking up and proper alone time for his hobbies is what my mate does as a compromise with his yap-happy gf.
My wife and I are both fairly needing of our quiet time, me more than her, even though we like to talk to and spend time with each other. And for the most part, we have found a rhythm that allows us both to find what we need. For me, it is less about silence, quiet, or solitude, but more about an opportunity to put down the expectations that I place on myself and I can only do that when I’m alone.
Making any issue work in a marriage is a matter of both sides being willing to give a little bit to figure out what works best for everyone and that answer won’t be the same for everyone. It takes some understanding on both sides of the equation. On him, to understand that you’ll want to talk to him and need to listen. On you, to understand that he needs his quiet time and resist the temptation to go find him and chat his ear off. If you’re both willing to give a little bit, it’s always my opinion that there’s no reason you can’t figure it out.
Best thing you can do is leave him alone when he gets home from work. Let him get changed, grab a snack, make a drink. Whatever he needs to decompress. Then after an hour or so you can start “yapping”.
i can tell you how my grandparents solved this problem…
grandpa finished the basement and put a bar in it.
I’d guess he’s maybe a little on the spectrum? If so, routine could help. Idk what your schedules are like but maybe agree to set aside an hour or two everyday to catch up on your lives and gossip together. Then maybe set aside a couple of hours for him to not talk. It sounds like you recharge your energy by talking and he recharges it by being silent, you both need to have that need met so look at your schedules and set aside dedicated time for both yapping and for eerie silences lol. Your schedule could be
5-6 pm; get home from work – snackies and gossip
6-730 pm – he goes to sit silently in a corner alone
730pm – bed y’all just do whatever you feel like, whether it’s cooking together in silence, chatting a lil, watching TV, doing your own thing. Don’t take silence as rejection.
Set aside time for date nights and adventures together too. Maybe also find activities that don’t involve a ton of talking, like going for a run or gaming together or something.
The real struggle is if you decide to have kids. The only quite solitude I get these days is during my lunch at work. My brother in law gets up at least an hour before his kids get up each morning so that he can have some solitude. Really, when you choose to share your life with people, it’s on you to find the time for solitude that doesn’t impact your shared life. It’s not easy, but he really shouldn’t be burdening this on you, he needs to work it out.
OP do yiu have kids?
He might need to look within. I just say this as ex military as well, and I had the urge for the same thing. He might be alienating himself and just be in his own head all the time and embarrassed to say anything. I don’t know his job, but it’s very frowned upon to have feelings as a man in the military, especially if you’re a “forward operating” type. Maybe he’s dealing with them all now? I would shut my wife and kids out, not to be an asshole in the act but found myself feeling like an asshole all the time in their presence. Just food for thought. Sometimes guys don’t know they’re having problems until it’s really difficult to deal with. All the best.
My long-term partner is also a man. And we both love our solitude. But we can spend a lot of time together without saying anything.
This is a major lifestyle issue that you two are opposites on. Truthfully it’s only going to get worse so just figure out a way to cut ties while you two are still friendly.
Get divorced
Give the man an hour or 2 an evening to just chill by himself. I usually get home, hang with my wife, have dinner, go do my solitude for an hour or 2, then hang with my wife for another hour before bed.
I’m a woman so I’m not sure you want my answer but here it is. I read, that’s my alone time. He knows not to interrupt me. My favorite is being in the same room but doing independent things. I can read, take care of my plants and he can watch something or play a video game.
This went for years, then we had a child. Now nobody has alone time 😅
Edit to add: alone time is needed daily. You need to find an activity to do during which you do not engage just stay focused on what you’re doing. I assume if you keep trying to talk to him, you don’t have a hobby of your own. Go explore what you like and give yourself some well-deserved alone time. If you can’t stay with your own mind then you need to figure out why is that. Is your brain not a good place to be? Are you scared of looking within?
Yes.
I first gave her the time she needed to be out of town with family, friends, etc…I stayed home and took care of things at the house while she had her “solitude” and spent time with her family and our kiddo.
I’ve paid for them to stay in hotels while visiting family so they’d have their own privacy, too.
Looking at it now, its almost as if it was a reverse solitude request which eventually led to a point where if I ever needed solitude to be on my own for a few days, all I’d need to do is ask.
We’ve been together 20 plus years.
My wife is a busy bee. She works full time in construction project management. She spends her entire day talking and dealing with people. She is utterly wiped out at the end of the day and loves how quiet and chill I am. She also has friends to chat and message with. Quiet and solitude has serious implications. Kids and pets are out of the question (if he says he will handle it, he is lying). What does he do for a living? Why does he need so much time to recharge? What about you? If you changed your routine or work, would that have an effect? Same with your home? I’m like your husband and I am looking for ways to work in a rural community because I want less sensory input. My wife is similar to you but gets her fill at work.
I told her she has to accept it or I bounce. The only people that don’t have to accept my need for solitude is my 4 kids, anytime they need me, I’m available.
Don’t get married. That’s how it works for me. (:
Can’t you two just be together without someone needing the attention of the other constantly? Im sure he’s not gonna just flat out ignore you all day but if he just wanted to be in the garage messing around with stuff or in the basement watching the game and you be around doing your own thing. Guys just need a break. Plus think about what he’s been through on those deployments, the stuff that he probably has going through his mind uncontrollably is exhausting.
A friend is in a similar situation and he does the solo hiking/camping trips once in a while. It works for them.
I struggle. Solo hiking/camping isn’t my thing. For us, it is probably an element of compatibility as we’ve grown individually. I’ve long sort isolation when something bothers me and the more work or life stresses me out, it isn’t easy. I have to work on it.
I’ve been in relationships with a lot of women over the years, and I’ve ended them all because they simply refuse to accept or respect my need for solitude. There’s nothing wrong with me and I won’t go to therapy because someone else has a dependecy issue.
I’m finally with someone who gets it and respects it, so it’s likely a compatibility issue or an empathy issue for you.
Take that as you will, but I would’ve shown you the door a long time ago.
I’m not a man but I need some quiet time. My husband is like you. As I put it, he likes to share.
If he’s yapping up a storm I just respond to whatever he said, and then I say “is it ok if we have some quiet time?” And then we have it 🙂
We also each have a hobby room space of our own, so I might just say I’m gonna go chill in my office for X amount of time.
And he has his own hobbies and stuff he likes to do, many of which involve leaving the house for a bit, so I get quiet time that way.
He’s cool with it and I’m cool with it, hasn’t really been an issue once I just started asking for quiet time when I needed it.