Struggling wife here. Husband needs a “break” to “get his head straight.” Hasn’t made substantial steps toward divorce, didn’t ask for one, might ask for one, unclear. Meanwhile kid and I are sitting ducks waiting for him to “see the light.”
I thought there must be another woman, but there isn’t. Honestly, that would be easier because I would just leave.
Men who went through identity crisis mid-life: what do you wish your wife had done differently during this time of your life, and did your marriage survive?
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Here’s an original copy of /u/Difficult-Road-6035’s post (if available):
Struggling wife here. Husband needs a “break” to “get his head straight.” Hasn’t made substantial steps toward divorce, didn’t ask for one, might ask for one, unclear. Meanwhile kid and I are sitting ducks waiting for him to “see the light.”
I thought there must be another woman, but there isn’t. Honestly, that would be easier because I would just leave.
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Yes it survived.
Be more engaged, supportive, and communicate about what’s going on and how we can work through it.
That goes both ways though!
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What has he been complaining about?
Mid-life crisis for many men is the realization that you will die without doing or having what you want out of life unless you take action.
That you can’t keep your head down and be the plowhorse to fulfill the needs of those around you, and somehow, if you do that long enough, magically you get what you want.
That you might never accomplish what you deampt of accomplishing.
It’s flushing the bullshit we’ve been fed out while lives about self-sacrifice being the point of our lives.
There is no one size fits all answer.
Be supportive and listen. Men have a horrible time communicating and expressing themselves during times of crisis. Sometimes we need someone to set the table for open communication — and then show us how to do it.
As hard as it is to do in practice, trust that this isn’t about you. It’s about him. Mid-life struggles for men are usually about their search for meaning, happiness, and their role during a time when we’re faced with mortality. We’re at a big “What do I do now?” inflection point. Trying to answer that question is so challenging.
I prefer to view it as a “mid life metamorphosis” instead of a “mid life crisis”. Who I will be on the other side is hopefully someone who is happier, more confident, and energized with a new mission in life. If you can encourage him to see it that way, it may help him stabilize as much as possible.
And yes, sometimes we just need to be alone to silence our minds. It’s not very considerate of the other members of the household, but it’s better than being exposed to our rollercoaster of emotions.
Create space for him to process it.. focus on the home basics, keeping it simple, being a good parent etc. Rule number one is don’t try to solve his problems during chats, just listen, show love and understanding. I would sometimes not share and just clamp up, mainly because I hate coming cross as a sad weak dude but also when my wife tried to fix it I would feel patronised.
One thing is certain, it will pass.. everything does eventually.
Good luck and well done for asking this question, you’re an awesome partner 🙌🏼
You and the kid are extensions of his old life. Its probably best that you do your best to adapt as he changes. If you are there to enforce rules from before, he’s more likely to push you away. He definitely needs space.
I’m mad at him, for the kid’s sake. But some people kill themselves instead of trying to make something work so there is something to be grateful for.
My observation in life has been that “I need a break” means it’s over. Those were the words of one girlfriend of about three years, and a wife of 12 years. It sounds like your husband is pretty settled in to living alone and sees no need to change it.
My now ex-wife and I went to couples counseling for a few months, and it was working well. It was working well enough that she stopped, because more than anything, she wanted a divorce, but was unwilling to admit it when asked. I hope things go better for you.
My midlife crisis was tough but simple. I discovered that I didn’t like the career I’d worked so hard to get. I decided to go back to doing the last job I’d liked. I would have appreciated moral support and understanding, instead of anger and ridicule, but those weren’t available.