MIL

For starters, my MIL and in-laws aren’t overtly cruel. My MIL is often polite and gets me and my daughters gifts. I do believe she’d help if we directly asked (mainly for my husband’s sake), and on the surface, she seems supportive. But her support feels transactional—rarely proactive or emotionally present—and that’s really hard for me, especially during vulnerable times.

Some context:
I’ve am usually the one to initiate since we’ve moved—planning gatherings so my husband and family can get together, I get her gifts for holidays (even though her other adult children live at home and do nothing for her), check in with her for appointments, work related things etc and and helping his siblings with things like resumes or makeup. But despite all this, no one ever checks in on me. Not during pregnancy, postpartum, my daughter being sick, or even when my dad was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. This emotional disconnect isn’t unique to me, they’re like this with each other, too but that doesn’t make it hurt less. I don’t do things for them to get stuff in return but it really just feels like exceptionally hurtful after going through a traumatic event with my dad last week.

Some comments from my MIL have stayed with me:

• I once casually mentioned I used to think Staten Island was in NJ (confused as a kid because my dad was born there), and she said, “A little snobbish, aren’t we?”
• When I lightly joked about a movie mix-up, she said “You’ve said a lot of stupid things I’ve had to let go.”
• When I kindly asked my SIL to take a COVID test before dinner (because my dad has cancer and she had a fever the day before), she rolled her eyes, and my MIL said nothing. (this was a few years ago)
• After my dad’s diagnosis, my MIL made me look at her clean cancer scans and talked about how she still thought something was wrong—totally tone-deaf in the moment.
• After my daughter was born, she brought a gift card to the hospital for a nail salon an hour away near her house for me to drop off my daughter and go. Which isn’t unkind but like come on why would I drive an hour with a newborn to get my nails done and an hour back just so you can be alone with her.

She never expressed interest in doing the same kinds of birthdays they do for others until I got pregnant—then suddenly wanted to be involved. We’ve been together since we were 18 (we’re now 30), and I even lived with them for a while, so it’s not like I’m new to the family.

Now that our daughter is 9 months old, she regularly asks to babysit (she really has been since day 1 but has been getting pushier). That should feel flattering, but instead it makes me feel conflicted and guarded. I haven’t left him with anyone yet. When I gently said I’d need a lot of pictures and it would be hard for me emotionally, she just stared blankly at me, no warmth or response. Her facial expressions are often cold or disapproving. I don’t think she’d ever create open conflict (she wouldn’t risk her relationship with my husband), but it leaves me feeling uneasy.

The breaking point:
I told them my dad was in the hospital with kidney failure. Over a week later, his mom still hasn’t checked in on me or even asked how he’s doing. That silence really hurts.

I want to feel like my husband has my back not just in private but in the moment, when I’m being subtly dismissed or hurt. He says they don’t mean harm and acknowledges that their surface level communication style makes things hard for me. He rarely talks to them outside of a group text with his mom (she feels odd messaging him alone), and it’s mostly small talk with his dad. He knows that he plays a role in this and acknowledges he needs to do better and that he really only cares about me and our daughter. He is generally non confrontational even with me.

He’s said he’ll say something. I’m just not sure if it’s worth it, or if I should pull back gradually. I don’t want to cause drama or make things harder for him, but this dynamic is taking a toll on me especially now, with a baby and my dad sick. It feels unfair to give up holidays with my own family for people who haven’t shown much care for me.

I don’t think they’re being malicious but the desire for access to my daughter, when they’ve shown so little interest in me feels really uncomfortable.

It’s hard to explain and I’m sure it seems minor but I have to see them regularly and the constant requests to watch my daughter when I feel this way made me realize I have to do something or just start doing less! She wants to act like we all are extremely close and have a loving relationship and she should be like a second mom to my child.

If anyone has navigated a situation like this, how did you cope? Is it better to say something or just quietly step back? I want to protect my peace, but not cause more pain.

Any thoughts, tips, or just validation would be appreciated. And if I’m overthinking this, I’m open to hearing that too.