Hi folks
Throwaway account for privacy and sorry if I ramble or miss any details! I’m not sure if I’m posting this in the right sub or not so feel free to suggest other subs.
I (30f) have been with my boyfriend (27m) for just over two years now. He moved in with me in my flat shortly after we got together. His parents never came around as the flat was too small to entertain visitors and it was over about an hours car drive for them. We recently moved into a bigger house (renting, not bought together) about 10 mins down the road from his parents, not through choice, the rental market is dire and the house suits our needs.
I don’t think his mum has ever liked me, she never attempted to get to know me, never acknowledges me even when i say hello, never asks how I am, never wishes me happy birthday or merry Christmas even though I do to their family and help my boyfriend with presents for them. Everytime we see her she completely ignores me and talks only to my boyfriend, almost like I’m invisible. I get along brilliantly with her mum, my boyfriends grandmother, and her brother, boyfriends uncle. I had a heart to Heart with the uncle about her and he said she’s always been difficult and miserable because she’s got nothing going on in her life and always has to insert herself into others lives because she’s bored and that he doesnt get on with her. I’ve never heard her say a good word about anyone, even her own family so I’m not surprised I’m getting treated this way. However, since moving in to our new home, my boyfriends uncle and his wife have been helping us a great deal as they live next door, which I think is probably making her jealous that she’s not getting invited around.
I’ve made it abundantly clear I do not what her in our new home, if she doesn’t have the respect to acknowledge me in our home then she is not allowed in. She has dropped by three times unannounced, all of which she wasn’t let in. She refers to the house as my boyfriends and not ours.
My problem lies in the fact I’ve voiced my boundaries with my boyfriend and how her exclusion is disrespectful and that I don’t want to feel disrespected in my own home. I’ve asked him to speak to his mother a few times about it and every time he comes back with the ‘well why don’t you talk to her about, I don’t want to, its your problem’ despite me saying if my folks were being horrible to him I would be the first to call them out on it.
The stupid thing is I know the answer, he’s a mummas boy and doesn’t want to stand up to her for fear of disappointing her so its easier to dissappint me but surely there’s something that can be done? Bar me actually telling her myself she’s not welcome until she treats me with respect.
His sister is a whole other story who has accused me of trying to stop my boyfriend from seeing her…. which is completely untrue, he is a grown man and can visit his family whenever he wants.
Any advice greatly appreciated 🫣
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Paragraphs are good. Getting a boyfriend with a spine who has a decent family is also good.
I strongly recommend couples counseling and if he won’t go then tell him you’re going to individual counseling to figure out whether or not you should stay in a relationship where your partner doesn’t have your back.Â
In the meantime, stop helping him with gifts for someone who disrespects you and won’t acknowledge you.
Oh, I’m so sorry. I kind of know what you’re going through and having to ask your partner to stand up for you (against people you wouldn’t have been around if it wasn’t for him) is draining. Yes, the MIL is a problem, but it all starts with your SO allowing her to be a problem in your lives in the first place.
It worries me he’s letting you do the dirty work.He’s probably in so deep he’s more comfortable not speaking up. The question is, are you willing to put up with that? It doesn’t sound like he’s willing to change, is that true?
Here’s the thing: you should’ve had that conversation before you moved into a new home together. But you already know that he’s not going to acknowledge your concern a meaningful way.
So you can either deal with her yourself or continue turning her away at the door.
Your boyfriend is a coward and future ex-boyfriend if he can’t grab his balls and talk to his mother. She’s his family, so it’s his responsibility to talk to her.
If he’s going to let her act like this towards you, what’s going to happen if your relationship progresses towards marriage and children? Do you want this woman to he the grandmother to children whose mother she ignores?
SO problem.
From where I’m sitting, it sounds as though the rest of his family is a better catch than he is.
Does he have enough redeeming factors to make up for his lack of a spine?
Personally, I’d tell him that if he doesn’t deal with his mother, I’m done. There is a certain petty appeal in continuing to have a warm relationship with uncle/aunt and grandmother while keeping her firmly on the outside, but only you can decide if your bf is worth that energy.
Match her energy and just ignore her?
Sounds like MIL’s a master of passive-aggressive ignoring. Your boyfriend’s lack of support is telling. He’s choosing his mom’s approval over your feelings. You deserve better than being treated like an invisible roommate. Maybe it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.
I’m glad you guys didn’t buy a house together.
He’s not neutral, he’s choosing her by default. Silence is siding. If he’s too spineless to check his mom, that’s your red flag, not your burden. You’re not asking for drama, you’re asking for basic respect in your own home. If he can’t enforce that, then he’s not a partner, he’s a roommate with an Oedipus complex.
He said he’s not going to do it.Â
Is he going to live with the fallout then?Â
She’s not going to change, because he’s fine with things as they are.Â
So the big thing is holding your boundaries. Expect he won’t stand up for you, and make it clear that any fallout from you standing up for yourself is his problem. Â
And don’t argue about what is true and isn’t true. “I will not be disrespected under my own roof, so if you want to visit, you will need to prove you know how to be civil in other places first, because what I consider respectful behavior has not been my experience.”Â
Accusations of control? “Why do you think so little of him? If you really think he’s that weak-minded, why are you talking to me and not him?” If you really were controlling, then they should be working on an escape plan, not confrontations.Â
Most importantly: can you live with this long term? I have a husband like your boyfriend and I gotta tell you- lack of accountability tends to be like black mold. (It spreads) “I don’t want to, it’s your problem” can grow to things like housework and paying bills on time. That’s a hard person to stay with long-term, particularly when the consequences don’t bother him.Â
BF is not just a mumma’s boy, he’s a toddler.
Two years and done is better than 5 or 10 yrs and done. Quit wasting your life on people (SO and his mommy) who don’t respect you. Get out now.
Your relationship with his mum is non-existent. So, what is holding you back from telling her she is not welcome until she starts treating you with respect? Do you think your relationship with her will get worse?
If you are worried about SO, give him one last chance – “you tell her or I will, and she will not like it when I tell her because I will not sugar coat it.”