Me and DH had a big argument this morning about my MIL overstepping and I could really use some advice and support. It’s about cake and I know that it sounds like a stupid reason to be upset about, maybe more BEC, but it is in the context of my MIL continuously overstepping and trying to insert herself in our lifes and I’m just so done with it.
So my daughter’s 3rd birthday is coming up this weekend. I’ve asked her weeks ago what kind of cake she’d like (chocolate). I love baking and like to go all out for parties. I’m also really excited about baking her something really nice as this feels like the first birthday she really gets the concept (she’s been talking about candles on the cake, decorations, presents, guests, etc.). I’ve decided to go for cupcakes and have spent quite some time looking up recipes, deciding on the flavours (of course chocolate, blueberry, vanilla and lemon) and getting the ingredients. I’ve also told my husband multiple times how special this is to me and how I’m looking forward to baking the cupcakes together with my daughter. I know that I’m making a bigger thing out of this than is needed for a kid’s birthday party, but it is just my way of making the day extra special.
So, so far so good. Here comes MIL. Yesterday my MIL asked me whether she can bake a blueberry cake. Since I found out with my daughter’s first birthday that saying ‘no thanks’ doesn’t stop her (she NeEdS to bake something), my tactic last year and this year is to just let her bake something. Not my hill to die on. It will just mean we have an additional, mediocre, cake, whatever. I told her I was baking cupcakes, so that’s that. However, later she said she had talked to my daughter earlier that day about what kind of cake she wants for her birthday – blueberry, which is funny because she doesn’t like that, but who’s to argue with a toddler ;). I told her, ‘oh that’s funny, she told me she wants chocolate’. Then MIL said, ‘okay, I’ll bake a chocolate cake and I’ll buy a blueberry cake for DD’. At that point I was like, ‘okay wait a sec, I’m baking for her, so don’t buy her a special cake’. And also, did she now feel the need to bake a chocolate cake specially for my daughter, because I told her she wanted that? Like, she knows I love to bake, she knows I’m baking for DD’s birthday, so can’t she figure out that I have my daughter’s wishes covered? DH was here as well, btw, but he was just encouraging his mum to bake the blueberry cake rather than buying it.
After this, I was annoyed. I would have liked for DH to just have shut her down completely. He could just have told her that she can bake a cake if she wants, but that I have already my daughter’s special birthday cakes covered. He knows how busy I’ve been with this already. After his parents left, he went to bed early, so I didn’t have time anymore to address this issue with him.
This morning my daughter and I were talking. And she then told me she didn’t want the cupcakes anymore. She wanted grandma’s blueberry cake. Again, I know it probably sounds stupid, but this just made me so sad! I was so looking forward doing this together with her and see her enjoy her special birthday cake. But now apparently my MIL already told her she’s going to bake this ‘special’ cake for her. Mind you, she did that BEFORE she even asked us about whether she could bake a cake. It makes me so angry, as this is, again, a situation where I feel that MIL puts herself in the role of the parent. Taking decisions – in this case about my daughter’s birthday – that are not hers to make.
I told my husband this morning I’m super upset and angry about what his mother did. And he just shrugged it off. Saying that I cannot forbid his mum from asking our daughter this, blabla. And that it was my own fault because I told her she can bake a cake. I told him that he should have already stuck up for me when his mum talked about baking especially for my daughter, because he knew I was doing that already and that it was so important to me. He said he couldn’t read my mind, he didn’t know. But seriously, I’ve literally told him that before, he just doesn’t listen (wonder who he got that from /s). I then told him that he chooses his mum’s feelings over me (okay, I realize that was maybe a bit exaggerated in this particular context, but that is something that bothers me more in general, even though he handles his mum well some of the time). And now we’re here. DH says he’s very hurt by what I said. I told him I’m very hurt by what he said. He’s now off to work and I’m home with our 3-month old. Oh DH tried to blame my reaction to him on my lack of sleep, which just makes me feel like he doesn’t take me serious at all. We’ll talk about it again tonight. I did text my MIL and told her not to bring cake anymore, I’m so over her!
Anyway, very long story about cake, sorry about that! It just feels good to put it in writing. I know this is a strong reaction from my side. And if this was the only issue I’d have with MIL (I’d wish!!), I probably would have let it slide. But it is in the context of her constantly overstepping. But let me know if you think I’m wrong. And I would appreciate any advice on how to explain this to DH in a way that he understands why I believe his mother overstepped (telling our daughter she’s going to bring her a special birthday cake, without asking us about this).
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You are not over reacting. You have a few choices.
1- Scorched Earth
Tell MIL you changed your mind you are baking the cake because now your plans are being derailed. You did not tell her she could “bake the birthday cake”, the only reason you told her she could bake a cake was because she did last time even though you said no. Let her know if she shows up with a cake she will be marching it back to her car.
2- Missing Cake If you want to take a gentler approach hide her stupid fucking cake under the sink when it’s time to sing happy birthday.
No matter what happens the candles are going to be going in the cake that you made when everyone sings happy birthday.
I’m also willing to bet that when your daughter sees your chocolate cupcakes next to her cake, she’ll choose the cupcake. Especially if you bling the cupcake up with sprinkles and candy and any kind of flare you can think of. Sounds like you enjoy baking so they will be great. Ask your daughter if you should bake a surprise rolo inside each cupcake. Basically make that stupid blueberry cake seem so basic.
First of all, you being excited about baking with your kid is not you making a big deal about nothing. You have the right to be looking forward to doing something with your daughter and sharing a hobby with her.
That being said, let’s put aside the birthday party and the cakes for a minute. I’m seeing a huge red flag here, not only with your MIL, but also your husband.
Your MIL had an unsupervised conversation long enough to talk your kid into changing her mind against you. That’s how parental alienation starts. She chose a tiny little thing that is going to look so stupid to everybody because grandma just wants to bake a cake, what’s the big deal about that ? But it is a big deal, because grandma didn’t want to just bake a cake. She had a innapropriate conversation with your daughter about an event that is none of her business and she has manages to convinve your daughter that she want now a flavour for the cake that she doesn’t even like.
Honey, MIL needs to have her unsupervised time privileges with kiddo taken away. She is not an adult that can be trusted to be around your daughter.
As for your husband, you need couples counselling because if he doesn’t see that there’s a huge issue with his mother (and I wouldn’t even call what she did oversteping a boundary because it goes farther than that), then he’s not going to have your back when she tries to manipulate your kid against you for other things.
Bake the cupcakes with your kid, and if your MIL shows up with a cake, tell her she can go home with it.
Tell your monster in law to get lost, and that she isn’t allowed to make birthday girls cake!
Tell hubby to man up and support you!
You aren’t overreacting, it sounds like you’ve put alot of thought and effort into making this a nice event for you both.
Your DH needs to understand this is your (and his) baby. His mum had chance to do these special events with her children when they were little, its now your turn to enjoy these moments with your children.
You gave a solution of letting her bake a cake but the special cake should be made by you if thats what was originally agreed.
Try explain calmly where your coming from, its your daughters birthday, you were excited to bake together, you had it all planned out and he knew it yet he let his mum overstep and left you to deal with the upset emotions alone. If he doesn’t see it from your point of view you definitely have a DH problem.
Wait at the door and when they arrive thank her for the cake and put it in the fridge and tell her cake will be served later. Do your thing cake or cupcake with the candles for the main celebration and then tell the adults if they want chocolate cake mil made one for the adults. Cupcakes for the kids. Your daughter will be happy telling everyone she helped with the cupcakes so they will be the most important food on the table. If your dh complains just tell him if he’s angry that mil cake wasn’t the birthday cake after his daughter made her cupcakes with you for her birthday party then he needs to look in the mirror because now he’s putting mil feelings above his child and you’re not willing to do that for anyone
I would tell her not to bring a cake, then if she does dump it in the trash, she needs to understand she is not a third parent
“Thanks Grandma but it’s MOM’S job to do the birthday cake. Don’t bring anything. “
I’m sure you realize this is about more than a cake. MIL sees your daughter as her daughter and will continue to do so.
Your husband’s attitude is disgusting. You also have a husband problem. In reality, he really doesn’t support you 100%
You’re going to have to put your foot down and flat out. Tell her that she cannot bring a cake to your daughter‘s birthday and then going forward. You are the only one who will be making cakes for your children’s birthdays. Tell her if she brings a cake it will not be served.
Sit your husband down and tell him he needs to have your back
MILs cake can accidentally get knocked onto the floor…….oopsy
She undermined you and your husband chose her over you. That’s maddening! Glad you texted her.
This is so not about the cake.
Why does your MIL have alone time with your daughter to undermine you? MIL should not be asking your daughter, she needs to go through her parents.
Why is she talking to daughter without your knowledge or supervision?
From a person with kids I’ll tell you, they’ll enjoy making the cupcakes and if they end up eating someone else’s cake, so be it. They’ll still helped make the cupcakes… your husband makes me mad though…
It is not about the cake. You need to let your husband know, it is not about the cake.
In the future, don’t give her any information. Whatever she asks daughter or tells you, you keep quiet.
Tell her not to bake anything. Then if she does anyway, don’t let her bring it in. You told her not to bake anything.
The truth is you teach people how to treat you. You told her before not to bake anything, she did anyway, and you let her get away with it. This is on you. When you set a boundary, enforce it. Otherwise it is just a suggestion.
You need to stop being wishy-washy and learn to say “No.”. MIL: what kind of cake should I make?” YOU: “None. I’m making her cake this year. If you bring one anyway, it will go to waste so don’t bother. Thank you anyway!”
Call her and tell her if she comes with a birthday cake for your child it will go in the trash and she already got her chance to bake birthday cakes and plan parties. If she’s so sad and desperate about that part of her life being over that she would intentionally steal it from another mother so she could have it twice she needs therapy and to stay away from other women’s children until she gets her emotional instability under control
the minute she walks in with the cake take it out of her hands and dump it in the garbage. if your husband gets mad, tell him he had a chance to take care of it, and didn’t
did you ask dd why she wanted a blueberry cake when she had told you she wanted chocolate?
Your MIL frustrates even me! Good thing you texted her. Please let her know clearly that as her MOTHER, you are going to play an important role in daughter’s birthday celebrations. And that it feels that she’s trying to upstage you and that it’s a crappy thing to do.
Whatever happens, please go ahead with the cupcakes you had planned. Your daughter is almost three so she’ll probably change her mind at least 53 times before her birthday. And she’s going to be absolutely thrilled with your gorgeous and delicious cupcakes.
Hugs; it really sucks to have the planning of such a joyful event soiled by a MIL with a bad case of self-assertion.
You need to stop telling her anything (info diet). If she asks just say “I’ve got it covered “
Your MIL needs to stay in her own lane.
You fell for the oldest MIL trick in the book – she tricked you into giving her info about what your kid wants. Then she gets to take that info and use it for what she wants to do.
I can also guarantee you that MIL “told” toddler about Grandma’s plan for the cake and indirectly influenced and convinced the toddler to have that cake instead. Guaranteed and will bet money on it! Grandma should have neverrrrr even brought up cake to toddler after hearing YOU were baking.
Good. Tell MIL no. Also tell her not to overstep and manipulate your kids into doing things she wants to do.
MIL had her time to bake for birthday parties with your husband’s childhood birthdays. Now is YOUR time. Take it back from her. She’s supposed to just be a grandma and enjoy watching her grandkids grow up. That doesn’t require her taking over and ruining YOUR parental life.
So, my MIL would do this every year from my youngest kid’s birthday cakes from age 1 and 2. Then my partner told her no because he wanted to bake for his daughter. He wanted the joy of baking and making a cake. MIL was grumpy about it for ages and she tried again the following year. The problem was that SO and I had so much fun making a cake, that we wanted to do it every year! MIL never got her takeover birthday moment again.
Tell her plans have changed and she may not bring a cake. If she wants, she can bring ice cream or whatever else you need that’s NOT a cake.
If she shows up with a cake, you dump it into the trash while maintaining eye contact the entire time. Then she gets put on a time out.
Your husband is a huge problem here too. If he cannot back you up to his mother then she doesn’t need to be coming around as often. He doesn’t get to play middle man bc he’s showing his mom he is not on your side, which encourages her to do sneaky shit like going to talk to your daughter and making plans behind your back.
Send a text to MIL and Hubby stating that your baking for your daughters birthday and that after her party you all will be having a conversation about overstepping and boundaries. Put it all out there. Maybe even say to MIL , you had your time as Mom, this is mine…back off. When hubby asks why you did this just say someone had to since you are not backing me up I’ll deal with it myself. If you don’t say exactly what you’re feeling to her she will slither into all your moments and take them for herself. Be blunt Momma Bear!
Similar situation, for my dd I wanted to start a snow globe collection for her first Christmas. I had only told hubby and MIL this. Next thing I know her christening was 2 months before Christmas and MIL and BIL gift my daughter the tackiest cheapest snowglobes to “help dd start a collection” as they both love snowglobes all of a sudden.
I’m still seething 3 years later. I stopped buying her snowglobes and guess who else stopped purchasing snowglobes.
The next year was a similar issue, I wanted to buy something specific and special between my daughter and I. This time the only person I told was hubby. Same result, MIL pulls up with the exact gift.
3rd year I provided the with an amazon wish list, carefully catered. They didn’t like the options and kept pressing me what dd would like (never mind the fact that the list was all things she would absolutely love).
I redirected them to the list every time. Everyone had sour faces when daughter unwrapped my gifts and slight comments of “I could have gotten that”.
Yes you could have MIL but this is MY daughter. As petty as it is, I get first dibs on all of her firsts, all of her gifts and anything I damn well please because she’s MY daughter.
All this to say, I will not be providing an amazon list this year. They never spend time with dd outside of their own birthdays (not dd unless we force them). They can look like idiots when they buy things we already have or that she won’t like.
You have, like me, a hubby problem. Info diet for MIL and hopefully hubby wisens up for you. Grey Rock anyone who tries to get you to agree to anything you disagree with. Best of luck.
Ps.
I no longer supply anyone not even hubby with gift ideas. This year should be interesting. Last year everyone including hubby ignored the baby over dd and none of them really know his interests as they haven’t gotten to know this tiny human over the past 1.5 year. They’ll doubly make fools of themselves.
Yes, Queen! I love that you messaged her and told her not to bring the cake.
This is the second time you’ve told her, no cake.
If she brings one, announce in front of all the party guests:
”Oh MIL, did you forget? I said not to bring cake. Remember? DD and I made these cupcakes together, she is so excited and proud. So we’ll blow the candles out on HER cakes.”
And later to MIL:
”I see that you want to contribute. But it was hard for you to remember what I said? I’m worried about you. Have you seen a doctor for your memory? Next year I’ll write down for you, that you can bring the sausage rolls”.
Officially not overreacting.
Have you told your MIL that it’s important to you that you are the one making your daughter’s cake? You need to let her know that straight away.
Also consider making cupcakes together with your daughter for her party. Her delicious birthday cupcakes that she herself made and that everyone will fawn over at the party. How special will that be! MIL cake will be long forgotten.
As soon as I read the title, I knew exactly what was going to happen. Why? Because I’ve seen it play out with my MIL and her grandsons (BILs children).
You aren’t overreacting. As another comment says, this is YOUR time to be mum and bake your child’s birthday cakes. Your MIL had her opportunity with your husband.
I’m glad you messaged and said not to bring cake. I would have done the same. I would probably let her know that for all birthdays for your children, you will be making the cake as this is something special you want to do for your babies.
Neither my mum or MIL bakes BUT given recent cake drama with my MILs grandsons, I have already decided I will be making the cake with my LO for her first birthday and beyond. I’m not even a baker, but I want to have those memories and experience making cake with my kids.
Your MIL is overstepping. She can bring literally any other food item besides the birthday cake. Why MILs feel they need to be the one to bring such a special food item blows my mind. Unless asked, she really needs to back off.
If she does show up with cake, put it in the fridge and tell her to take it home as you have made the special birthday cake for your daughter. Have your daughter involved in the cake making and make it special for you both. Better yet, take some pictures (and videos) of the process and stick them up at the birthday party! Haha.
It’s ALWAYS the husband’s mother who oversteps. This woman is obsessed with being the center of attention and having control. I know it’s a cake, but this is for YOUR daughter- she is quite literally just the grandmother. She had her chance to raise her children, she needs to back off and let you have these experiences with YOUR child.
OMG, I’m having flashbacks. My late MIL was lovely but occasionally overstepped or undermined. My story was a 60th birthday party for FIL and the cakes were cheesecakes. I do need to let it go one day, it’s been years. At least my MIL said with my inability to mask annoyance, she always knew where she stood with me and I usually got over myself pretty quickly when I was allowed to vent so we did have a mostly brilliant relationship.
Not sure if you’ve already tried this but sometimes a conversation can go a long way. I would call her, no texts, and just explain how excited you are to do this with YOUR daughter. You understand that she’s excited as a grandmother and you appreciate her willingness to jump in. However, you have already made plans and there is nothing for her to bake this year. She can come and just enjoy the party! This is really your husband’s responsibility but it sounds like he does not have a shiny spine so you’ll have to handle it. Be firm but kind and don’t let her manipulate you. If she shows up with a cake anyway I would set it to the side and focus on the lovely cupcakes you and your daughter baked. Be sure to let all the guests know how special they bc the birthday girl herself helped! Good luck!
You are not overreacting and your husband has the spine of a wet noodle. My mom is like this, and my husband likes to bake and decorate special cakes for our kids birthdays. He’ll never be on ‘Is It Cake’ or the ‘British baking show’ lol but they’re really good for amateurs and he loves to do it. My mom thought she’d be baking our kids bday cakes, Im not sure why lol. So I decline her cake for the birthday EVERY YEAR. Every damn year she asks 🙄. It’s our kid and our time.
I may be way off base, but based on what i read, you are way underreacting. The issue isn’t the cake, not really. Your husband doesn’t respect your place as the mother of your child with allllll the rights and responsibilities to make choices over his mother. And he’s gaslighting you. ‘I can’t read your mind’. He knows you though and you’ve had this conversation before. Hes deflecting because hes uncomfortable being called out for being a wimp.
The other issue is that his mother manipulated your daughter into choosing grandma’s cake. Daughter wanted chocolate but at some point her opinion changed to grandma’s choice. How did that happen? How did she even know about the blueberry option? Who took her aside to extoll the virtues of blueberry and convince her that blueberry was what she really wanted? It’s so concerning that an adult convinced your little girl into changing her mind about something as silly as a cake and shows the potential for a concerning pattern.
‘Choose this because it will make grandma so happy!’ ‘Wouldn’t you prefer this over mom’s gross chocolate?’
I’m not saying that your MIL is putting the burden of her emotional happiness on a 3 year old and manipulating the child into making choices that will give grandma an emotional ‘win’, but it kind of sounds like it. Your child has the right to choose and shouldn’t learn so early to make choices based on what adults want for them. It’s a cake now, but what kind of choices and secrets will grandma expect the child to make and keep based on grandma’s expectations later? What are they going to pressure your daughter about next using kind words and veiled threats of her responses potentially hurting their feelings if she doesn’t make the right choice of their choice?
I wouldn’t let that lady be alone with my child again and I’d have a talk with my child, as best you can with a 3 year old, and let them know that it’s okay to have likes and dislikes that are different from others, and if those likes and dislikes upset people, that’s okay too. And I’d keep reinforcing that. I would monitor conversations between them and step in if grandma tries overriding daughter and say, ‘daughter answered that already’ or ‘daughter said x y z, so let’s move on’. Daughter needs to lean that skill and grandma needs to learn and respect that boundary.
Maybe I’m way off base. But it sounds like your mother in law’s behavior has the potential to alienate your child from you because ‘grandma’s the fun one who gives me what I want as long as I do what she says’, and she’s also teaching your child to bend to adult will and not understand the value of saying no. It’s ‘just a cake’ now. What’s the future look like tho?
Throughout your post, you keep explaining and justifying your feelings. “I know it’s just cake, I know it’s such a huge overreaction, etc. That makes sense with how much your dh and mil are ignoring your feelings and probably making you feel crazy. This is gaslighting behavior. What else in your day to day do they minimize and gaslight you about? It’s time to start standing up for yourself and for your daughter.
You are not overreacting here. I would be tearing mil and dh a new one if it were me in this situation. You are mom, not mil. Tell her to back off. You dont need to be rude or mean. “Mil, I am lo’s mom and will make decisions for her. I have already decided what we are doing for lo’s birthday, you are not to make or bring anything but yourself. Next time, you will ask me about something you want to do or bring, not her. ” Call her out on whatever boundary she is pushing. If she throws a fit, that’s for her to deal with. No one else.
Remember that boundaries need consequences, or they mean nothing. If she throws a fit, leave/hang up/escort her out of your house. If she keeps bringing it up, rinse and repeat. If she refuses to drop it, take some time away from her. If she shows up with a cake, refuse to allow her to enter your home with it. “I said not to bring a cake. It is not coming inside this house, and if you say one word about it at the party, you will be told to leave.”
Call dh out every time, too. “Dh, I am your wife and the mother of your child. Your mother is disrespecting me by pushing boundaries, and it hurts me when you don’t stop it on your own. You are choosing her feelings over mine, and that is unacceptable. We are a team. You need to start stepping up and supporting me every time.” Take him to couples therapy if he will go, therapy for you regardless. This isn’t easy, i really hope he wakes up and realizes he needs to be on your side. He is married to you, not his mother.
You’re not wrong, and your husband is picking his mom’s feelings over yours. His mother had the opportunity to raise her children and enjoy whatever special moments she wanted to enjoy with them. It’s now your turn to do the same, and if baking your daughter’s birthday cake is your special moment to share with her, then your husband should not minimize your feelings about that.
I went through something similar only. It was the outfit for my oldest daughter’s first birthday. My MIL only had sons, and some 30 or so years ago, when she knew that she was no longer going to have any more children, she bought a dress that she thought she would give to her grand granddaughter “someday.” When it came time for my daughter‘s first birthday, she made it very clear that she wanted me to put my daughter in that dress – never mind that I had already picked out an outfit for my daughter to wear.
My husband was less than supportive of me, and he kept saying to me “it’s just a dress. What’s the big deal?” I reminded him that his mother had the opportunity to pick out whatever outfits he and his brother wore for their first birthdays, and I asked him why I should not be afforded the same opportunity to have that experience for my child. The thing that clicked with him was when I told him that he has two rolls to play: husband/father to me and our daughter and son to his parents. Sometimes those roles are going to conflict with one another, and he will find himself in the situation where he needs to choose, which role takes priority. I also told him that if he keeps prioritizing his role of being his parents’ son, he will likely lose his marriage.
Nope, get on top of this: send MIL a message that you’re on the cakes, she can bring paper plates. Personally what I’d do is bake chocolate and blueberry to squash any drama with MIL trying to manipulate DD the day off (oh but where’s your blueberry cake?? You wanted blueberry!! Yeah it’s right here MIL, suck it) Cut DH out, he’s not helping and as he’s not involved in the baking anyhow, it’s not really his lane anyhow IMO. Next year: continue. No baking for MIL.
So going forward, you know you’re husband is going to pick his Mother’s feelings over yours. So you need to change how you react.
I know this group is huge on having your partner deal with their own family, but that’s not working for your situation.
You tell your MIL that you are the parent and you will make or buy your children’s birthday cakes and if you need her help, you will let her know. Also, between now and the birthday, MIL doesn’t get to be alone with your daughter so she can’t say “Mommy is being mean and I’m not allowed to do your special cake like I wanted to”
Because she sounds like the type that would say that and more.
No one … and I mean NO ONE … is messing with my kid’s birthday. That’s where I put my foot down. I don’t care whose feelings get hurt. I’ll be picking decor, deciding on theme, decorating, etc. if I want your help I will ask. MIL can make her damn cake for Sunday dinner.
This is the problem with saying yes to a JN for the sake of keeping the peace, as you’ve been doing. Now your MIL knows that you will suck it up and let her walk all over your feelings.
It’s time to regain control over your right to plan your own child’s birthday party. I get that MIL is excited, but she had her chance to plan birthday parties for her own children. Now it’s your turn to do so for your child.
A respectful grandparent will talk to their grandchild’s parents, ask what is needed (instead of insisting on what they want to do), accept the answer they are given without complaint, and not try to manipulate a child out of an already set plan.
From now on, MIL comes to parties as a guest only. Any items she brings will be placed to the side and will not be served. You can discard or return the baked goods to her at the end of the event. I know this sounds harsh, but it’s the only way she will learn.
Buy her a blueberry cake now and then ask her if she’d like to bake a super special cake with mama and also let her decorate it. When your MIL will show up with her cake weather blueberry or chocolate your DD wouldn’t be interested. If your MIL spoils every birthday then you can have a private birthday with your babies a day before so you could actually enjoy this moments without her presence.
Man, I feel you. Total boundaries violation by MIL there. DH needs to step up big and back you. Who’s the mom here? You or his mom? Sounds like somebody needs reminder. It’s frustrating as hell when you’re tryna make a day special and someone else just bulldozes over your plans. Hang in there. Go bake your cupcakes, sis, and keep standing your ground. You’ve got this!
Ohh man, you should’ve kept your mouth shut and said nothing! Let her make her mediocre blueberry cake and you continue with your plans with your cupcakes with your daughter. Your cupcakes will be the centrepiece of the party and what she has her candles on. The blueberry bs can sit on the dessert table with the rest of the sweets.
What is it with JNMILS and birthday cakes?! Mine did this with DH’s (boyfriend at the time) cake. Cut slices to give to her friend’s daughters BEFORE we’d celebrated DH’s day. There’s me visiting for his birthday, sitting awkwardly with his younger brother as he & his JNM scream at each other.
I don’t think you’re wrong, it’s just that this cake thing is the culmination of tons of times of her trying to take over. You may just have to make the next incident a hill to die on and straight up tell her that whatever it is that she wants to do is the parent’s place, not hers. She may be clueless enough to not realize how much her overstepping bothers you. Being blunt will sometimes work with people like that.
I’m glad you told MIL not to bake. She’s overstepping and not behaving like a guest to a party you are hosting. She is the grandparent and NOT in charge. She WILL say something to your DD about how sad she is that mommy didn’t let her bake a special cake blah blah blah. I’m so sorry.
I feel like MIL made her cake sound more appealing than yours which is rude and she had her turn with firsts with her kid(s), it’s your turn.
My mom would buy cakes from the store and also some years she would make them, she isn’t a baker but to this day those were my favorite cakes and I asked her to make one for my recent bday. Make the cake and good for you for telling MIL not to bring cake anymore, these are your moments too!
Don’t serve it. Or take it from her and precut it into grab and go slices. The birthday cake with the candles your daughter blows out is YOUR cake.
You don’t have to give MIL the power here. Stop complaining about her and start thinking of her as an annoying, overbearing extended family member — because that’s what she is — and plan your actions accordingly.
What would you do if your crazy senior Aunt Betty brought a turkey to Thanksgiving? (I’m American, this is the big ticket food item I can think of that would be a massive WTF.) Smile, thank her, maybe roll your eyes at your other guests to play up how silly and weird MIL is. Or be firm and tell her in front of your guests: MIL, I asked you not to bring this. And when she does what she wants, don’t reward her by putting out her cake, keep it in the kitchen and then send it home with her. Or give it to a trusted friend and have them get it out of your house so MIL can’t put it out. Then go about your day. Don’t give her more energy.
Stop complaining about her to your husband. Instead, be calm and perplexed because MIL is just so odd. Maybe make a point of addressing and thanking MIL for good behavior.
Your child is 3. What are the odds that MIL coached her to talk up MIL’s special cake. Just redirect. Maybe plan a special baking day for you and your daughter to “practice” making and decorating (and eating!) cakes.
You have a toddler. Do you plan on letting your toddler daughter walk all over you? What about when she’s a moody, “I can do what I want” teen? No? Your MIL is behaving like a child, approach her as if this is a parenting moment.
You’re not overreacting. This isn’t just about a cake it’s about a moment with your daughter that you are very much looking forward to. Your daughter would too if MIL didn’t try to squeeze into it. If I was excited about this and then MIL had a convo with daughter and now suddenly daughter thinks that’s a better idea, I’d be devastated.
I wish you could have just said to her like, listen this is super special to me and I’m really putting a lot of effort into this. Maybe you can bake her a special cake for Halloween or something, but for her birthday I’m going to be the one taking care of baking.
A simple. “NO cake is needed. We have it covered. Thank you”. Is all that needs to be said here
It’d be a shame if the cake MIL bakes is accidentally dropped. Oops 🤷♀️
Please remind your husband that his mommy already had her chance to raise her children and bake with and for them. This is your child, and you will proceed as you had discussed with him, and you will bake with and for your child. If MIL brings something she made, set it to the side, and serve what you have prepared. Your husband needs to be reminded that his nuclear family comes first, and he is your husband and your child’s father, above being his mommy‘s little boy. Your feelings and wishes need to be considered and discussed first.
Here is an excellent read:
Dear Mother-in-Law, It’s My Baby and My Turn to Be the Parent
This powerful open letter from a daughter-in-law to her MIL dives into what it means to protect your parenting boundaries, your baby, and your motherhood — without apology.
https://www.baby-chick.com/dear-mother-in-law-its-my-baby-and-my-turn-to-be-the-parent/
Talk to your mother-in-law like an adult. Tell her you appreciate her enthusiasm but not too big anything for the birthday party and that you have got this covered. She can handle her emotions the way she wants. And if she starts talking to the 3-year-old tell mother-in-law that no more interrogating the three year old about her birthday party this is a settled topic.
It’s insidious, isn’t it? This seemingly innocent offer of cake. There are a lot of great suggestions for how to handle this in the comments. Go with one of those and next time this kind of situation comes up (it doesn’t have to be a birthday cake)? Shut. It. Down. Be direct with your husband and your MIL. I think your husband is being clueless either because he is genuinely clueless, and/or trying to avoid the conflict. Whatever the case may be, he needs you to tell him all the things you said here without interruption, making your feelings on the matter clear as crystal.
PS – It’s not cute that your MIL manipulated your daughter into requesting a kind of cake that she doesn’t even like. That is extremely icky and unnerving. But, I’m willing to bet that she thinks it’s clever.
ETA: grammar spelling and clarity
Nah, she wasn’t casually talking to your daughter, she was intentionally trying to manipulate the situation. You know it, your MIL knows it, and unless your husband just dropped in from another planet and met his mom yesterday, he knows it, too.
I’d be talking more to him about him putting his foot down. She’s your daughter, not your MIL’s, and if you want to bake her cake, you get to bake her cake. MIL had her chance to be mom already, now she needs to step aside and be grandma.
Even if MIL had gone into this with good intentions, when she heard that you were planning a special baking event with your daughter as an activity, her job was to go back to DD and say something like “DD, Mama tells me she has already made plans to make extra-special birthday cupcakes you can decorate together with you for your birthday, they sound delicious and it will be so much fun! I think we should save the blueberry cake for when we all have dinner together next week instead. That way you get to have cupcakes AND cake, and you get to have fun baking with your mom for your special day!” All super-enthusiastic, like delaying the cake is the BEST IDEA EVER, and hyping the cupcakes.
The fact that she didn’t realize this on her own – or didn’t voluntarily do it on her own, since I’m pretty sure she realized it – speaks volumes. I don’t know that there’s anything you can do about what your daughter wants now, but you can tell MIL that she needs to clear things with you before offering them to your kid.
I went pretty batshit crazy wanting to buy stuff for and do fun things with my first niece in particular, and – thankfully – had a come to Jesus moment on my own in which I realized that OF COURSE I needed to clear things with her parents before just blurting them out or buying an entire ToysRUs to dump in their living room. I don’t know what made me think of it, but I’m really, really glad I did: Mom and Dad should get the first crack at things.
While I would have loved to have been the one to take her to the zoo first, or whatever, the main thing was that she got to go and have the experience (and to be honest, a three-year-old telling stories about the trip to the zoo was almost as hilarious as having seen it live). So I started just checking with my sister and phrasing it as “I would love for [niece] to get to visit the animals and enjoy a day at the zoo; I was thinking I could get you guys a bunch of tickets for a few weeks from now, whenever it’s convenient, or I can take her: as long as she gets to go.” Sometimes they took me up on the offer, sometimes I got to take her to whatever it was. MOST importantly, it showed my sister/BIL that I “knew my place” (although I didn’t consider it to be an imposition on myself at all) and because they knew I was respectful of their positions, I continued to have liberal access to her.
Your 3-year-old will probably change her mind again. Go ahead as planned and bake with her. You know she doesn’t like the blueberry and won’t touch it when it is given to her but will happily devour the cakes she made with you. If MIL stews over that, too bad.
Next birthday, ignore the bait. MIL says she’s making whatever cake…. Smile and say, ok. On birthday, at cake time, leave hers on the counter, use yours for the candles and song. Then bring hers out so people choose which they want. Less conflict, less focus on her cake as well.
Time for MIL to be on an info diet about plans. She was prying in order to be the star baker for the day. MIL probably spoke to your daughter and hyped up the blueberry cake idea heavily to get her excited.
MIL, this is my daughter’s 3rd birthday. I carried her in my womb for 280 days. I had a special plan she and I discussed for the first birthday she really has cognition. Im hurt that it feels as if this moment has been taken away. Im sure you and DH remember all of the special things you did for him on his birthdays as mother? I really want the same for my turn as a parent. Please remember that in the future.
I’ll shout this very gently; STOP TELLING THIS WOMAN ANYTHING. Why are you telling her what flavor you want it talked about, or what you’re baking? Just tell her “oh okay, we’ve got it covered, but hey, you can never have too much cake!” And then make something really beautiful. Use your cake for the song, the candles, the pictures, cut pieces of hers and it then let guests eat what they want, and just focus on your relationship with your daughter. Because trust me, as she gets older, she’s going to start finding this shit really annoying, and you can be the one she knows really cares about her. Also putting mil on an info diet will curb the doubling of flavors and such so then if your daughter says “I don’t want cupcakes, just Grandma’s special cake” you can say “oh I thought we might want to chocolate AND blueberry!” Because more is better. Never act threatened.
More to the point, your husband legit sucks for pressuring you in the past to “just let her bake something” and now telling you “it’s your fault for letting her bake a cake” and if he doesn’t know that, he’s probably beyond help.
Not very nice of her at all & I think you’re totally in the right. I don’t think letting her bake something is really helping here, although I completely understand why you’ve done that, partially just out of kindness. It just seems like a slippery slope.
My MIL still bakes a birthday cake for DH & I’ve accepted that, but I’m dreading my DD first birthday in a few months! I’ll try the no thanks first but I think it’ll be a similar road for me.
What has worked for me in the last few months is including something like ‘I don’t want your mom to miss out now that I’m a mom too, but I don’t want to miss out either’. In situations where we’ve escalated bit (like before my first Mother’s Day) it seems to go into my partners brain that I’m MIL’s equivalent to our DD, & that I’m not doing anything just to hurt MIL. We’re not 3 years in though, it’s all new to us, so it’s disappointing your DH isn’t fully onboard & listening! My other approach is LIKE F**K IS YOUR MOM DOING THAT. Probably not the best.
“ I then told him that he chooses his mum’s feelings over me (okay, I realize that was maybe a bit exaggerated in this particular context, but that is something that bothers me more in general, even though he handles his mum well some of the time).”
It’s not exaggerated at all! your MIL’s feelings about baking a cake are quite literally being chosen over YOUR feelings about baking a cake right now.
You are being told that your feelings are your own fault, but MIL’s feelings are important and should be respected.
MIL’s cake(s) would live on the kitchen counter until after the party, then “left overs” pushed on people as the leave.
MIL’s cakes would never be seen at the party from now on.
Well I think the lesson here is stop giving her so much information. Also she oversteps because you let her. It’s a three olds birthday in what world is cupcakes, and TWO cakes necessary. Next time speak up for yourself. I know every one always waits for the husband and I think that’s dumb- it’s perfectly okay for you to if he isn’t!!!!!!
Hey mil I’M baking the birthday cake, if you would like to bring/make something (insert a specific thing- cookies, an appetizer something else daughter likes)
For now keep hyping the cupcakes and how fun you and daughter will have making them, she’ll still have a blast and will probably enjoy making them more then eating them. Pick her up her own little apron and chefs hat.
It’s time to tell mil and DH that this is your child and you do the special stuff.
Go ahead and make the cupcakes with your daughter. Do it the day before, just the two of you. Let it get messy. Let her lick frosting off her fingers. Tell her how much it means to you to bake with your little girl. Take pictures to show others at the birthday party.
Your MIL might show up with her cakes, but she won’t have the memory of making something special together.
Take that moment back.
Make the cupcakes for your daughter. When MIL brings the cake, put it somewhere she can’t find and make a big show of your cupcakes. Assert dominance and if she makes a fuss, call her out.
“MIL, I told you I was making this for my daughter. She doesn’t even like blueberry so why make her a cake she doesn’t like? You don’t seem to know your grandchild very well, do you?”
Is it too mean? Maybe but I’m leaning vindictive today.
Speak up for yourself to MIL! Call her and tell her that no cake is needed from her. You have all party planning done already and she is welcome to come a a guest to enjoy the party but again no cakes from her are needed. Then explain to her that you do not appreciate being steamrolled like she tried to do! And if husband says anytjing about it tell him to stuff it because he knew what his mom was doing and sat back and did not say a word!
Tell her she doesn’t need to bake anything, you have it covered and you’re her momma. If she shows up with a cake, kick her ass out and put her in a very long time out.
It’s not an overreaction, he does put her feelings first, otherwise why wouldn’t he just ask her to leave the cake to you?
And now you know for the future that she’s going to not only horn in on this, she’s going to take over anything your daughter wants, and manipulate her into thinking hers is better.
Make your cake, do it well and put hers away. Ask in a louder volume that you told her you were baking chocolate so why is she bringing it?
And next year, when she asks again, tell her a flavor your daughter doesn’t like.
Didn’t you say your daughter doesnt like blueberry cake? I would get a blueberry muffin and let her try it, if she thinks she wants blueberry cake. I am sure you can find one at dunkin donuts or walmart (assuming USA). We all know MIL hyped up the cake and your daughter has no clue what she just asked you for. I think it would be hilarious if MIL made a cake your daughter said was yucky.
I personally would call MIL and say: I am making the cake, so dont bring one, it won’t be served. Bring some ice cream, a side, a salad ( whatever you feel like telling her), if you feel the need. Again, if you bring a cake you will be taking it home with you.
Tell her to bake cookies. That if she shows up with a cake it will go in the bin or be sent home with her. That you as the parent will be baking the birthday cake for your daughter. End of discussion.
Id laugh so hard if she brought blueberry cake and LO didnt like it
Whoops, I’m sorry someone dropped your cake on the ground, MIL.
Stop giving her so much information. However, since it’s too late for “I’ve got the cake and the party covered, thanks! The only thing we need is for you to show up” (or version of that) you can tell her, “I’ve got the cake covered. If you need to bring something, bring (insert choice).”
Then have DH intercept her when she arrives and confiscate anything she brought, “oh great let me help you with that” then he puts it wherever and just ignore it the rest of the time, lol
On a slightly different note. I used to plan the monthly birthday celebration at my office. Individual serving (cupcakes, mini Bundt cakes) were always so much better. Everyone can grab the flavor they like and no one has to cut and serve anything.
OP, please show this and the comments to your DH. Since he seems to want to dismiss his mother’s behavior, maybe all of your internet friends and supporters will make him see what wrong-headedness that is on his part. Please come back after the party and let us know what happened. Good luck with everything!
As an avid baker, I totally get it. I would be pissed.
I would use this super great little kid hack with her going forward – give her a special task.
“Oh we’ve got that covered MIL, but I actually have this really important thing for you to do for the party insert unimportant task here would you be willing to make sure that gets taken care of? Oh my gosh you’re a lifesaver! Thank you so much!”
I completely agree that this is overstepping and your husband is ignorant to all the signs in front of him. However, my concern with this situation would be that it’s your daughter’s birthday and now she wants (or thinks she wants) grandma’s cake. Sometimes we have to play nice to make our kids happy. Maybe be super specific on the size of the cake so there isn’t a bunch of food waste and then you have the cupcakes when your daughter inevitably hates the blueberry cake.
Btw, is blueberry cake a thing? Literally, only heard/seen this for Fourth of July and it’s not a blueberry cake it’s a white sheet cake with blueberries and strawberries. Blueberry pie is common, but cake???