We have been together 8 years and contact was sporadic which was good but since having baby my MIL has been around more than ever and I’m struggling. My husband has told her not to come if I’m trying to rest but she seems upset by it.
She’s not necessarily coming to help out.Just sits and chats. As much as I appreciate she wants to see her grandchild. She isn’t very nice to be around. She makes subtle jabs she can’t seem to help herself.
I earn more than my husband but I don’t like talking money so I don’t. I grew up in poverty. They are middle class and have always been comfortable. She knew I’d bought baby’s crib so we showed her the set up for baby. She took one look at the crib and said it was flimsy. Literally nothing wrong with it but okay. Then the pram was apparently too expensive as if she’d paid for it. We live in a flat currently. I can see her distaste as she looks around. She comments that it’s too small. Well right now it financially makes sense and we’re happy with it. Obviously eventually we would like a garden and more space but I won’t put myself into debt to have a showhome. She makes me feel embarrassed at my home that I’ve worked hard on. I was literally homeless about 10 years ago so I am proud of what I have achieved and have worked my ass off. Although, it might not compare to her home with 3 bathrooms. She makes me feel trash.
Baby care. Says I don’t have him in a good routine. He sleeps 9 hours at night. 4 months old i think that is quite good going.
She makes comments that I don’t eat properly because I’m a vegetarian. Backhanded compliments about my appearance. That i might want to consider moving up from my current role in the company. Nope. Happy where i am. I don’t think anything i could possibly do would please this woman. Nothing will be good enough.
My husband has told her off previously about her comments but it hasn’t changed. I don’t want know what to do. I feel like I’ll be accused as the one causing problems or refusing contact with grand baby.
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Congrats on all that you’ve accomplished which is A LOT. You should be very proud! Don’t forget this!
Drop the rope with this woman. She’s full of sh*t with the routine stuff. But DO turn it back around on her. She can’t come over because it will disrupt the “routine”. And don’t make this your problem. INSIST to DH that she only come over when HE is home so HE has to deal with her.
And you’re right, nothing you do will ever be good enough – UNTIL she realizes what she’s lost.
Congratulations to you! Baby is doing great if sleeping that long at night. You have accomplished so much. You just need to tell your MIL, “thanks for your opinion” and leave it at that. Say it with a tone so she knows not to respond! You’ve got this, OP! Good luck!
I don’t understand why more people don’t just use the phrase “if you’re going to be rude to me, you can fuck off and get out of my home. And you’re not welcome back until you learn some manners.”
Or anytime she makes a jab about cost ot your living choices just say “That’s really none of your business.”
And as far as being accused, own it. “Yea, I have a problem with people who are rude to me, especially in my own home. If she wants a relationship with her grands, she needs to learn some basic manners and respect.”
Don’t answer the door when she comes over. She clearly isn’t listening to your husband or to you. Send her a message that says she is welcome on Saturdays from 12-3 when husband is home. Or whatever time suits you guys.
Don’t accept visits from her when her son isn’t there to reign her in. If she asks about it he can tell her that her behaviour and comments earned her that type of relationship.
Don’t set yourself on fire for someone else. You enjoy your house and your baby. It is her issue if you keep her at arms length now
She needs to STFU
Limit her visits how often she comes and how long she stays. And maybe have your husband privately talk to her if she makes comments again and address it that day to her so she doesn’t say that she never says bad things and he has an example at his hand
OP, she isn’t to come over unless your DH is present!
She sends you messages or calls then set up an auto response. If she wants to come over, advise her she need to organise that with DH. She turns up unannounced / uninvited then don’t answer the door. If she complains etc than advise that you weren’t looking to host visitors and were having bonding time with your baby.
If DH has told her off for her comments and it doesn’t stop then advise you are taking a break from her for a month whilst you both work out how to facilitate the relationship moving forward as you won’t tolerate the disrespect.
Consequences. Every time she’s rude tell her the visit is over.
Stop letting her come over or stop letting her jn. She’ll figure it out.
Tell her if she doesn’t like the way you run your household then she doesn’t need to come back.
Stay firm on this
If husband says anything, tell you told her to back off and she didn’t so is banned for a month and if she keeps doing it, it’ll be longer
Don’t let her in. If she has a key, get a door chain. Tell her when she’s allowed to come by; only by appointment, only when hubby is home, and only if she behaves. Hubby answers the door and hubby deals with her. If she dodges around him to snipe at you, out she goes.
Since she’s going to make this all your fault anyway, use it; “You bet I’m causing problems. It’s called self-defense. She has no manners. This is my child and she won’t see him unless she can be civil to his mama.”
Is your MIL visiting when your husband isn’t present? If so, you can put an end to that. She may behave better if he’s around and if not, he can deal with her. Just remember, your baby isn’t getting anything out of her visits. Don’t sacrifice your peace of mind.
You’re not required to entertain her. You’re not even required to let her in.
Tell your husband she can visit when he’s home; you’re done.
I am guessing she will take it more seriously if you say something, rather than her son who has dealt with her comments all his life and eventually just gets over it, no doubt. Next time she is over, maybe say something proactively and gently: “I want to talk to you about something that is really important to me and that I hope you understand comes from a place of love and genuinely wanting to enjoy our time together. If you’re going to visit often, which I am happy to have you, I just really need you to be more mindful of the comments you’re making about how we live. It is not fun to be around someone who pokes at our life and choices, and tears down things we are happy with. I don’t know if you realize you’re doing it, but you do. And if it continues, then we’ll have to limit how often you’re coming here, because its creating stress for me. I would really hate for it to come to that, though, so would you please lighten up a bit on judgements over things like our home, baby’s routine, etc.?”
Then in the moment, when she makes a comment, have a reactive statement ready: “That is a good example of something I think you should keep to yourself.” Or “I am not looking for any opinions about that.”
Repeat repeat repeat.
MIL is talking out of her arse!!! You have every right to feel proud of what you have achieved!!! The baby is the icing on the cake.
Start defending yourself and she will back off as bullies usually do!!!
My kids are in their 20s and even they don’t sleep 9 hours at night lol, you are doing great and if she shows up when you don’t want her there don’t answer the door.
At the end of her next visit tell her, “starting next week we won’t be available during week days . I took your advice and am moving the company.” Then show her out.
For your own sanity, drop the rope with her. All communication and visits should go through DH. This time with your baby goes by so quickly. You should be enjoying it and finding your new mom groove. Who cares if she stomps her feet and has a fit that you’re not giving her what she wants. (Consider it good practice when LO becomes a toddler)