It’s been awhile since I posted. But not because there hasn’t been things going, because I myself am embarrassed to admit I gave her another chance. And my daughter(DD) who was 5 at the time was put in a position where she was asked to keep a secret from her parents to avoid consequences for MIL. I think I was pregnant with my daughter when the I last posted.
Relevant Background ahead of the secrete keeping:
My MIL got into essential oils in that way where it’s treated as a solution for anything and everything. I did some research and from what I gathered there were instances of essential oils causing adverse reactions in children. I am a degreed chemical engineer so not only did I read basic information articles I dove into some of the actual chemistry behind things. This was prior to my daughter’s birth and I made a standing rule that essential oils were only allowed if DH or I okayed it. Kind of like medicine. MIL agreed.
The secrete keeping revealed:
We were moving into our new house and I unpacked some gladplug in scented items. DD asked if she could smell them. I said yes. DD then ask if they’ll make her sick. I tell her no. DD then says “I got sick at Grammys” then proceeds to suck air and cover her mouth. DD then says “I was not supposed to tell that!”
So yeah, DD smelled essential oils got sick to the point of throwing up and MIL choose not to tell her parents what caused it. I recalled being told DD got sick but MIL blamed it on something she ate.
I asked DH to not tell his parents we know until we can get on the same page. Because we are not. DH agrees to wait. We are working to get in the same page at counseling but then it comes out DH has told MIL because DH wanted to protect her from me. We aren’t even in the same book anymore but that a different issue.
So I still haven’t spoken to MIL about it. It’s been over 6 months. Apparently, there’s been some chatter amongst the inlaws how I am keeping my kids from them. I have told DH what I need to be okay with them being around the kids(never alone that is d-o-n-e) is an admission of wrongdoing, atonement and an apology not just to me but to my daughter.
DH has done nothing to make that happen and at this point I don’t really care if it ever happens. But I have decided it’s not my job to facilitate it happening.
But onto the current problem. Grandparents day is coming up at DD school. Pretty sure my MIL follows their elementary page. (She’s been blocked for over 10 years so I can’t verify). Also there is a chance DH lets her know. The school doesn’t prevent contact unless there is a legal restraining order so in theory MIL could just walk in. I feel bad for my DD not getting to have a grandparent there even if she doesn’t arrive. So I am thinking of just keeping her home from school that day. I just need to get this all off my chest to a community that gets it.
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Other posts from /u/Zil_of_Green_Gables:
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Rachie and how the apology went, 6 years ago
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Keep her home. That’s absolutely perfect and drama free. There can be no issue then. Well done.
I like the idea of keeping her home! Plan a fun day with just you two or maybe with DH too.
Deff disappointed DH tells her things to protect MIL from you! That’s deff a red flag. It’s also scary because you’re in the chemical industry and DD’s mom but he couldn’t even stand by you on essential oils making your daughter sick. I would lose trust in DH.
Hope you and DD have a great day home. MIL deserves no grandparent day
Wait, what? The school allows other adults to access kids except when there is a Bona fide RO? Just because an unsafe person doesn’t meet the legal threshold, doesn’t mean they should be around kids. That’s a parents’s decision.
Definitely take your DD out on that day. Go do something fun like mother/daughter art day.
I can’t believe you are still married to your husband because he has been actively protecting someone that purposely hurt his own child!! Well I get why because then she’d had more access to DD.
Yeah, I’d keep her home that day.
Husband is protecting mommy from you because she poisoned his daughter and convinced her to lie about it 😳 He has issues.
So, if you do end up getting a divorce, put it in the divorce decree a list who are greenlit people who may be with child unattended (or specifically say that is ex only). Have a friend who has an ex BIL who is very untrustworthy and put a green list in the decree excluding that uncle.
I’d believe that he actually knew (or suspected) DD was sick because of essential oils. To “protect” his mother over his child? Guaranteed it’s more than just that one instance and he knew it. He’s avoiding MIL having a conversation with you because it’s likely she throws him under the bus.
You should be seriously concerned why he’s avoiding that MIL forced your daughter to keep a secret from her parents. Why is that a non issue with him? Child predators use the same tactic, so all his mother is doing is creating a “normal” of secret keeping. That’s highly inappropriate and unsafe behavior.
Keep your daughter home that day. Have zero remorse for it. Yes, it eliminates your ILs ability to have alone time with their grandchild. It also eliminates any sadness your DD might feel when the other classmates have grandparents swooning over them. Ask her to pick out something fun to do that day. Go to the book store, zoo, get her nails done, see a movie and buy the BIG bucket of popcorn. Make it a “Mommy and Me” fun day.
I can’t believe DD has a dentist appointment on grandparents day. It’s such a shame it’s two hours into the day so not worth dropping her off in the morning, and she might feel sick afterwards so won’t go for the rest of the day. Shame
Keep her home that day. Essential oils can be so dangerous and people are clueless about them. I used to work in a spa industry and so many of us are anti essential oils due to the harm they can cause.
Not to mention, adults who make children keep secrets from their parents are not safe to be around. The fact your husband would risk his child’s health to avoid upsetting his mother’s feelings is so telling. Big hugs for you. You are doing the right thing even if it’s two against one.
Rachie’s DIL! Welcome back, I guess?
Don’t kick yourself too hard for being good people and extending grace.
Your D(amn)H should be ashamed of himself.
Your husband 100% sucks as both a husband and father.
Putting his mother before both his wife and child is abhorrent and I hope you know that.
You’ve got a husband problem and you already know it.
No grandparents are better than evil grandparents.
If you don’t want your daughter to feel excluded on grandparents day, just take her out of school that day. But don’t rearrange your boundaries to let that woman into her life again.
And talk to your husband!!!!! Make it clear that his child and wife should always come first and he needs to stop acting like MILs lapdog.
Damn, that’s a tough spot, OP. Imma say tho, u gotta protect your kid first, no matter what. Mil crossed a line, no doubting it. Mad props for tackling this head on, even when it’s such a sh*tshow. Stay strong, and remember, your kid, your rules.
Oh mama, my stomach dropped reading this. Asking a 5-year-old to keep a secret, especially about something that made her physically sick, is such a violation of trust. You are absolutely right to set boundaries and not leave her alone with MIL again. That’s not overreacting, that’s protecting your child.
I’ve been in a similar place (different situation, but the same feeling of being the “bad guy” for keeping my kids safe). The worst part for me was how much mental energy it stole, I’d be stuck replaying arguments in my head while also trying to juggle work, parenting, and keeping the house from collapsing. It left me so drained I barely had anything left for my kids, let alone myself.
One thing that helped me breathe again was learning to take back control where I could. For me that was simplifying daily stuff like meals and routines, the constant decision fatigue was killing me. Once I cut that chaos down, I actually had more headspace to deal with the big emotional battles, like setting boundaries with toxic family.
You’re not wrong. You’re not crazy. You’re a mama protecting her child and her peace. ❤️ If you ever want to chat more, DM me, I’ve got a little system another mom shared with me that gave me back hours of energy when I was drowning in stress.