My husband has always been a momma’s boy. We have always lived on the other side of the country from his folks. His parents would visit once a year, but he would talk to his mom once a week for 2 hours. I thought it was great. My MIL has lived with us a few times because I have difficult pregnancies and she takes care of the kids while I am on bed rest. We are done having kids and I’ve always been grateful for her sacrifice. We couldnt have had so many kids without her help.
This last year, my FIL died in his sleep unexpectedly. She is devastated. The family quickly gathered and asked what she wanted. She wanted to live with us. She has 5 children, but my husband is the favorite. He’s the youngest boy, but they’ve always had a special bond and we have patience for her like no one else.
I always considered myself lucky because I got along with my in-laws. The problems started when we agreed to take her in. We were living in a 3 bedroom house with 4 kids. They are mostly little, our baby was still in our room, our girls shared a room and our son had one to himself. We had no room to live with us full time. We started house hunting. Every step of the way we would check in. Asking if this house or that house would do. We wanted her input. We tried desperately to find a house that would fit everyone.
Another issue was her cats. She owns 5. I am allergic to cats and so is 2 of my kids. We asked her to only bring one or possibly adopt when she gets here a more hypoallergenic one. We know its not always cut and dry when it comes to cat allergies because we’ve been to other homes with cats and had no issues. We were going to possibly foster and then adopt or meet a few cats to see if we reacted. We also offered she could bring one cat, hire a maid to clean regularly and only keep the cat in her “wing” of the house.
Her other cats were being adopted by my SIL. She was willing to take them all in. They live outside and she has a big house in the country. The cats come and go as they please. My MIL is used to burying cats and adopting strays. She’s always had an open door policy to animals. She has a big heart. We asked when we do get a cat, it stays indoors. I know the dangers of letting cats wander and dont want ny kids to get attached just to have the poor thing die or lost. She agreed.
This was the plan. It was all agreed before we started house hunting. We spent 4 months looking. We spent every weekend, some week nights looking at houses. It was emotional. A few times I threw my hands up saying I was done, someone else could take her in. My MIL has severe heart issues and can’t live alone, but she’s not to the point she needs to be in a home. She also wants companionship. Most of her kids couldnt or wouldn’t take her in. She was excited to live with her grandkids. She is closest to my kids because of all the times she’s lived with us.
We finally bought a house. Its beautiful. I love this house. My MIL was so excited. She was already planning out her room. Its a 6 bedroom house and she would have a private bedroom, bathroom and study. We moved everything. Had MIL ship her things to us, we unloaded everything and enlisted friends to help us. We wiped down everything and cleaned it from all the matted cat hair clinging to it.
She was supposed to arrive last Sunday. She called us up, said she’s not getting on the plane. She hates flying. SIL offers to drive her. Later SIL texted my husband. “Mom doesnt want to move, she says she’s suffered enough. She won’t leave her cats.”
My husband feels very betrayed. We wouldnt have bought a house this big, in this economy and on her timeline if it wasnt for her. He keeps saying, “You dont ask someone to make these many sacrifices and not follow through.” His mom is still grieving. She lived in the same house for 40 years. Originally we floated the idea of having her stay with the SIL who’s adopting the cats, but all her bedrooms are upstairs and her house is far from any medical care. My MIL cant do stairs easily, she needs help up and down. MIL didnt want to live with SIL, they butt heads a lot and my SIL travels for work, so she’s not always home. SIL was not willing to buy a new house. MIL was adamant, she wanted to move here and live with us. She pestered us weekly to hurry up and find a place. She sent us cat links and was planning which day we would go look. Then it was like a switch happened.
I know she loves her cats, if she had decided to stay with her cats in the beginning, that would be fine, but I cannot fathom making us do all this and saying, nevermind.
Short version: MIL asked us to move so she could move in, we moved, she decided after everything was bought, she wouldnt move because she couldnt leave her cats.
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You’ve actually lucked out there, she’s no longer your problem, take it as a blessing.
Leave her to the consequences of her decision. There’s nothing else you can do. Enjoy your house and fill it with love.
Man, the hearts you and your spouse have…she is so lucky to have yall. Truly.
What a nightmare, especially as you now have all her stuff that’s already been shipped to deal with. I’m not surprised that your husband (and you) is feeling betrayed, it costs so much money to move, not to mention shipping all MIL’s stuff, let alone taking on a property that you wouldn’t have bought otherwise.
On the plus side, you all have a lot more space and don’t have to worry about granny going flying after tripping over one of your littlies.
I would tell your DH to stop having these discussions with her. She has her options.
Wow. This is an emotional minefield. Her actions have been incredibly selfish, but it’s also true she went through the unthinkable when she lost her husband with no warning. Now it’s less than a year later and she’s dealing with the loss of her marital home and her cats. My older relatives keep telling me how much quicker time goes by when you’re older. To her, this might seem like yesterday.
You say your husband feels betrayed, which makes sense because she did betray him. But what matters most is if he learned from it. You call him a mama’s boy, which is a scary term! Tbh, it sounds like she was overly involved in the house selection process. He needs to learn to set better boundaries, meaning he wouldn’t have been wrong to tell her the 2 of you will find a home that meets her needs, and (more importantly) yours. Once you and him have decided on the home, he’ll send a pic, but it’s not for her approval. It’s an fyi on your decision, which is very different. (I hope that made sense lol).
Anyway, after all my babbling, you didn’t really ask a question here, so I’m not sure what else to add. It makes sense to me that you’d leave her stuff in her “area” for when she’s ready to use it. This doesn’t stop any worry you have about her being alone, etc, but there’s only so much you can control here.
Also, all of this assumes there’s no cognitive impairment involved. If that starts to happen, it will be a gamechanger, which is why I wouldn’t return her stuff to her.
Have you shipped her furnishings back to her? I’d do that soon before she flip flops
You can’t parent parents. She’s an adult. It sucks, but just say fine. She’s made her choice. She or SIL can pay to ship it all back. You’ve done your part, and you’ve truly dodged a bullet.
Your husband is justified in feeling as he does. You and he made huge changes to your lives and put a lot of effort into giving your MIL what she said she wanted.
Your MIL is still likely dealing with her loss, may be depressed, and was unrealistic about her willingness to move on.
However, what stands out to me is that your MIL didn’t talk to either you or your husband directly but instead told your SIL that she’s “suffered enough.”
As inconvenient and painful as this situation is, her decision not to move in with you may be a true blessing. You and your husband were very kind and generous to facilitate this. But your MIL doesn’t seem willing to acknowledge that. Instead, she’s equating this arrangement (that she agreed to and even pushed for) with some type of punishment.
Even if your MIL again changes her mind and decides that she does want to move in with you, I’d recommend a serious conversation before you consider agreeing to it. If your MIL views herself as a victim in this situation & that you’ve contributed by not agreeing to house all her cats, that’s not a healthy dynamic. It may be that you and your husband expect some kind of gratitude or appreciation for all that you’ve done. Your MIL might see everything that doesn’t go her way as more suffering that she’s expected to deal with.
so let MIL sit where she is till she gets tired of sitting by herself and enjoy ur new home
Oh my goodness! This is a lot. I understand how you and your husband feel, but I have empathy for your mother in law. Grief isn’t a straightforward thing.
Can you put her things in storage and ask her to pay month by month?
Cats are just an excuse TBH. My mother pulled the same shit. Sold her home and moved her into an apartment complex. Gave up her apartment (that she had to have because all of her friends were there) ready to move into a step-up retirement community, and then reneged. So now she has nowhere to live. And all the effort the entire family put in just to make her wishes happen. And then said “no Nevermind”
Moved her to FL with a sibling. Another sibling and I drive down her dog and other items that couldn’t fit the first trip. She stayed 3 months and wasn’t happy.
Your MIL will never be happy. Drop the rope. Go live your life.
Letting you do all this and then flip flopping is childish.
Hopefully she’s self-aware enough to realize this eventually and at least apologize for her behavior. It doesn’t sound as if she’s in a place to do that at the moment.
Moving is hard when you’re elderly. It took me years of listening to complaints about upkeep and expense to convince my mom to sell her house and move somewhere more manageable. She moved 5m away from us, an hour away from her old town, and she lasted less than 2 years before she moved back to the old town. She just couldn’t let go of the familiar stores and streets and services. Even though she freely admits many things were better here. Huge waste of money moving back and forth. But it was just not comfortably familiar.
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She didn’t want to live with you, she wanted proof her son would blow up his life for her. You gave it, now she gets to play martyr with her cats. Classic manipulation.
Your MIL is grieving. Not only the loss of husband, but her life as she knows it – her home of 40 years, her town, everything. Logically, she knows this move is necessary. But change is incredibly hard, moving away from everything you know is hard – add her age, loss of her husband? She’s clinging to the last of her familiar (cats) and is panicking, overwhelmed and emotionally wrought.
Pushing her is not going to help here. She already knows this needs to happen, otherwise you wouldn’t have her furniture. She’s scared and knowing what you need to do and actually doing it – very different things.
Your MIL needs therapy / grief counseling to help her heart catch up to what her head already knows. Compassion and empathy will go a long way in this situation. Tell her you understand she’s not ready to move. Ask her what she wants, how she will manage the existing challenges that come with her not moving. Say less, listen more – let her walk through options. She will come around.
Propose a visit – when she’s ready. Let her have an end date (2 weeks) so she doesn’t feel trapped. Honestly, this will work itself out but putting yourself in her shoes may help you with the patience needed as you navigate this. Good luck.
Sometimes when people get older, they start regressing to a very childish state. I feel that’s what’s happening to your mother-in-law right now, so she might change her mind four or five times in a day. You will have to stress to her how much you sacrificed to make her initial wants come true, and you can expect she’s still gonna make excuses and drag her feet.
Let her be. This is a blessing in the end. Her and her happiness are not you or your husband’s problem. They can’t be! I hope you enjoy the house regardless even though the timing was not what you had planned. Don’t force this or keep engaging with her, I agree with your husband and he should set the tone. Completely irresponsible and disrespectful to do this to you – I speak for experience, do not entangle your lives with hers any further.
This is a perfect example of why you should always consider the needs of your nuclear family over others. This isn’t the end of the world as now you have enough bedrooms for each of your kids and a spare if needed. Don’t count on your MIL moving in at any point. People are allowed to make their own bad decisions. Their bad decisions are not your problem. You will still have a spare room if your MIL ever decides she does want to come live with you. As her own decision.
INFO: was she planning to, or did she contribute to this new house financially? No matter where you are, a house that big costs bank. She needs to honor any financial obligations she agreed to.
Um, you are the best wife on the planet. I would not have done one of the things you described lol. That’s all..sending love 💖💖
It sounds like you normally have a good relationship with your MIL, and have made good decisions with the house so that it will work for you without her. As a big cat enthusiast, I can understand her having a difficult time parting with her cats after losing her husband, but I also wonder if something else is going on here, moving into your home means she will no longer be in charge of her own home, it is a loss and a sign of getting older and less independence to come. This rejection might be her not being able to face her reality.
It is a difficult time for her, and as this behaviour seems out of character, I think your current kind approach of starting with a holiday visit is helpful and appropriate.
On the subject of cat allergies: about a decade ago I was forced to move into a flat with three cats (two of which were long haired) due to circumstances outside of my control. I have a cat allergy. On day three of living there I was sneezing blood. Day four I was fine. I don’t know what happened, if my body just ran out of histamines or decided if I hadn’t died yet that cats weren’t a threat. Either way I was very happy and now have my own beloved cat. If I am away from cats for a while then I do have a reaction upon new exposure, but it is very manageable with antihistamines. Antihistamines are wonderful things. It might all work out and you, your kids and some lucky cat(s) will have a happy future together.