F (me: DH, wife: DW, MIL) — recently had DS and my MIL is already proving exactly what I worried about.
She’s always been overbearing — calls DW multiple times a day, knows every argument we’ve ever had, is across every detail of our lives. She expects to be involved in everything from buying our first home to the birth of our child. When she’s not, she guilt-trips DW, makes her feel bad, and acts like she’s entitled to have a say.
I knew having a baby would make it worse, and here we are. DS had a mild fever after his first vaccinations. Thermometer was giving dodgy readings, so we went to hospital to be safe. We didn’t call MIL in the moment — we were busy with a crying baby and trying to get moving. Everything turned out fine, just precautionary.
Now MIL is “hurt” she wasn’t informed in real time. She’s making it about being ignored, like she needs to be looped in instantly on every bump in the road. We’re perfectly capable of handling things and will let her know if something serious happens.
This is just one example, but I can already see a lifetime of her expecting to be in the loop on everything. Exhausting. Anyone else dealing with this?
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You have a husband problem here for allowing this and feeding into this
MIL here. You and your wife need to be on the same page regarding MIL and boundaries. DW may need a therapist to figure out why she lets her mom stomp all over your lives.
It’s not healthy. But DW needs to grow a shiny spine and soon
Your wife needs to internalize that she is NOT responsible for her mother’s ‘hurt feelings’.
I’m betting that she’s been made to feel that she has to keep Mum happy her whole life, and now that she’s not, MIL is starting to go a bit off the rails.
See if you can get your spouse to do some reading or engage in some therapy, she sounds like she may be (however unwillingly) a bit enmeshed with her mother and needs to get away from that sooner rather than later.
Your wife is your #1 problem and until she stops telling her mother everything this won’t get better. She is likely in the FOG (fear obligation guilt) and her mother probably conditioned her to be in it. Check the sidebar if this sub for books and resources on the topic
I had a period of decreased fetal movements while pregnant. We did a couple of extra NSTs. Baby ended up being fine. My husband didn’t tell his Mom for a couple days (we went at night and he said his priority was caring for me). My ILs sat us down and told us the fact they were not informed immediately made them realize “they were no longer a part of our daily lives”. They told my husband we needed mandatory weekly phone calls so that when something like that happened we would think to inform them. Husband told MIL that the didn’t tell anyone when it was happening. She cried “we’re not anyone we’re you’re parents”. We ended up going NC because that was the tip of the iceberg.
I’m not suggesting you go NC. I will say your MIL will probably be upset with you and your wife. She probably has expectations you can’t meet. That’s not your fault. You need to find your own family boundaries and limits. MIL will need to learn to handle her own feelings. I would also advise letting your wife handle communicating and her relationship with her mother yourself. I tried managing my husband’s relationship with his mother since he can be very avoidant. I think the result was every relationship was damaged in the process. Good luck
If your wife is onboard, have a conversation with MIL to let her know what your boundaries are and what info will and won’t be shared. Rip the band-aid.
It sounds like DW is your problem number one. Why is she sharing these intimate details with her mother. She needs to stop and enforce some boundaries. I wish you luck.
Your wife is going to have to tell her that it’s time to back off.
“Mil, this is not about you! We are adults with critical thinking skills. We do not have time for your needy nonsense”!
Your wife needs to say this to her Mum. Wife needs to set clear boundaries. She took vows to “forsake all others”, that’s not about cheating. It’s about putting you, your feelings, above anyone else.
Your wife is going to have to tell MIL that she is not the baby’s third parent and she needs to stop expecting to be treated as such!! As a single mother, I have to call my mom when a kid needs a hospital trip so that she can come pick up the other kid, but if i wasn’t in need of immediate help with the situation she would be completely fine with finding out whenever I chose to share.
Seriously, no. Dude, your wife overshares and mom expects all the deets. Major info diet, grey rocking, and live your life.
If mom plays the “hurt” card, let her. Then let her manage her fee fees.