My MIL has always been very generous and kind to me and DH since I met her years ago as his gf. But, she suddenly cut contact with DH about 2 months after our wedding. She did not give any reason and her only explanation was that she’s been feeling this way since we got engaged almost 2 years ago. We’ve asked other family members if they know why this happened and MIL won’t tell them either. It’s very confusing because she was incredibly helpful in the wedding planning process, taking me shopping for decor and food for our engagement party, etc. She was there when I picked out my wedding dress and we tried to involve her as much as possible so she wouldn’t feel left out. MIL seemed happy and loving even in the days just after our wedding. We are a mixed race couple, and some have suggested that this is the reason why. However, she’s explicitly told him that it wasn’t because of me, my family or anything that we did.
Edited to clarify: I also don’t think this is the reason or that she’s r*cist…she’s been nothing but kind and welcoming to me since she met me. I only mentioned this because we had a large family wedding and I’m not sure if there were any negative interactions with my family that we were not aware of.
My question is: should we pursue a conversation with her about this and/or should I reach out to her on behalf of my husband? I feel bad for him having suddenly lost his mother with no explanation. As far as I know, he’s been a great son, helping her out whenever needed and including her in our lives (in a healthy way, he’s not a momma’s boy).
TLDR: MIL told her son/my husband she doesn’t want to have contact with him after our wedding. Will not tell us why and there was no indication prior that this was going to happen.
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This doesn’t make sense. what is the history? Has she cut him off before? Has she cut off other family members? What else is going on in her life?
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I don’t think you should reach out to her. If she refuses to speak to your husband then there’s nothing you can do to change her. Just keep supporting your husband as I’m sure this is confusing and heartbreaking for him.
Is FIL in the picture and could he possibly offer advice? This seems so strange if it’s truly coming out of nowhere.
Depression?
This is such a strange situation. If you want her in your life maybe write her a letter telling her how much she means to you. Good luck, OP.
Are you and I the same person?! Seriously though, my mil did nearly the same thing 10 years ago when I got married. 2 years later, she imploded her own marriage and then took up some really self-destructive behaviors. I honestly think she had some personal demons she wasn’t ready to deal with so she deflected to everyone around her. Every couple years she pops up acting like nothing happened and then ghosts us again.
Good luck and I hope your situation has a happier resolution.
Do not react to this random tantrum. She is an adult and if there is an issue, it’s her responsibility to reach out and address it. You don’t know what it is you’ve done and she is refusing to engage about it. When she is ready, she will reach out and talk to you.
To me, I’m jaded. My unhelpful speculation is a follows: I see this as she was potentially love-bombing you during wedding planning and was hoping that you would prioritize her because of how helpful and supportive she was acting. When you didn’t inflate her sense of importance in the way she had hoped she earned in your side of the transactional relationship, she felt slighted and taken advantage of. Instead of admitting this to anyone and having them point out that her support came with strings you couldn’t have known were attached, she has decided to try another tactic. Silent treatment. She is now hoping her absence will punish you and make you feel guilty to the point that you’re chasing her down and begging her to give you the time of day again. She can leverage this position of power to try and gain the control over your lives she hoped for. She never has to ask directly for what she wants or admit what she expects. You do all of the emotional labor to keep the relationship going from now on.
So don’t reach out to her. Accept that this is get decision and move on with your lives. Get DH therapy and unpack whether this threat of abandonment has shown up in the past as well.
When she gets over her little tantrum, she will be back. She will act like nothing happened or give a lame excuse and try to move on like nothing happened. She might even make it your fault and she was just trying to respect you as a new married couple and give you space.
Either way, she is responsible for her own feelings. If she’s having a mental breakdown, you cant really help her. She needs to be willing to help herself first she reach out for support.
Don’t reach out to her, if anyone does it should be your husband. If he wants to know why she doesn’t want contact, he should reach out to her. Has she done this to any other family member before? Would any other family member know why?
I would respect her boundaries. If she doesn’t want to have a relationship, fine. Let her sort herself out.
Sounds like a classic case of “I’m cutting you off because of you, but it’s not because of you.” Given her refusal to explain, I’d say don’t waste your emotional energy pursuing a convo that might just lead to more hurt. Your hubby’s already been a great son, it’s on her to reach out if she wants to talk.
She wants you to chase her. Don’t