I had my beautiful baby daughter ten days ago and had my pushy in laws shove their way into the l&d room after I delivered. I hemorrhaged after I delivered and my placenta wouldn’t detach so there was a lot going on. The nurses had to keep coming in and out to check on the blood loss and they had to give me a catheter which they had to take in and out too so I was constantly being checked which meant my gown was pulled up. My husband’s parents and aunt stayed in the L&D room then they followed us once we got moved over to the postpartum room. His cousin showed up with her husband and 2 kids about a minute after we got into the postpartum room. I was still in my hospital gown, hooked up to the IV and bleeding heavily in my diaper while I watched everyone football my baby around, watched his cousin change her first diaper without asking, etc. Then his other aunt showed up, so we had like a lot people in the room shuffling the baby around.
They all showed up the next two days in “shifts” so we had visitors from day to night. I had to text my husband that I needed everyone out so I could finally shower and rest. I was there for two full days and we were so busy with discharge and nurses, etc and his mom and aunt showed up again without telling us, saying they wanted to help us bring our stuff to the car. I was a bitch and basically said how busy we were, I needed to get myself and the baby situated, not have people interrupting us nonstop and you know like brush my teeth, get dressed, feed the baby, etc. they eventually left but stayed for an hour.
My parents are total opposite and flew in from out of town for a few days after I gave birth. They were so helpful, doing shops for us, cooking, doing laundry, cleaning in general plus letting me sleep for a bit while they watched my daughter. Since my parents were in town, my husband wanted to get our family’s together so his parents and aunt came over. MIL made weird passive aggressive comments including how she would be here everyday to visit but obviously I wouldn’t want that. Her own son wouldn’t even want that, they don’t have that kind of relationship. The aunt also says we don’t care about you guys anymore, just the baby like I’m just gonna hand her to them and run off. My MIL called us that morning saying she could watch the baby while we go out. I laughed and said we weren’t leaving our five day old baby alone already.
During this visit, my husband and I took a short walk at everyone’s insistence which was fine. We were gone twenty minutes and I could hear my baby crying so I went in and started to breastfeed her with my bedroom door shut. My in laws said they were leaving and I had the door shut and my MIL just walked in. I was furious, she came over and kissed me goodbye. I also have alopecia too and had my wig off so it felt like a huge invasion of privacy between that and being topless. Then his aunt and my FIL also tried to do the same and I told them I was not dressed.
I am going to lose my fucking mind with these people. I told my husband and he was also angry but he didn’t actually see them walk on on me. My mom tried to stop my MiL but she ignored her. I also heard that my MIL has turned my husband’s old room into a nursery, she’s telling her friends online that she painted our nursery (she paints as a hobby) when we don’t have a nursery. She’s bought a ton of baby items for this nursery too. I’m already sick of her bullshit and her thinking this is her do over baby (she had to have an abortion 35 years ago because of Down syndrome / severe physical complications and she was pregnant with a girl. I feel sorry for her and I’m sure that was a very difficult decision but she’s not over it all these years later and uses it manipulatively and will throw it up on my husband’s face that all she ever wanted was a daughter).
How do I shut this behavior down immediately because she just does whatever she wants. She also hasn’t reached out to me once asking how I’m doing / recovering but again wants full unsupervised access to my child.
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Start with your husband.
He didn’t see it?? Oh well, he still needs to stop it.
He’s failing to protect you here. Set some boundaries with him fast.
I’f he can’t step up, go stay with your parents.
No more visits for them. They haven’t given you a moment to rest and bond with your baby, so they don’t get to visit again. Your husband needs to call them out on their atrocious behavior and tell them that they aren’t going to be allowed in the house for at least the next three weeks, which can and will be extended if they don’t start shaping up (realistically, it’s likely going to be extended to several months by the time they get it, if they ever do).
In the future, if they ever earn their visits back, they will have to agree to a set of rules that they will follow. If they break the rules, the visit ends and they are escorted out the door immediately. Not after twenty minutes of goodbyes. Immediately. Their visitation privileges will then be revoked for a month each time.
I am a registered nurse, and I suggest you file a formal complaint against the L&D nurses who did not have the common sense to send visitors out of the room while you were being checked postpartum. That is simply inexcusable.
The rest of what happened is your husband’s fault for not protecting you during a vulnerable time.
You cannot change what happened. But you can learn to shine your spine and set better boundaries moving forward. Remember that making a request and hoping someone will follow it is not setting a boundary. You set a boundary when you respond to inappropriate behavior with action on your part.
Moving forward, no uninvited or unannounced visitors. If anyone shows up without asking and getting the ok from you first, you do not open the door to them.
You should not have to lock your own bedroom door to have privacy while breastfeeding, but I’m afraid you may have to do that to protect yourself until you can trust your MIL not to barge in on you.
As for the nursery in your MIL’s home, you decide whether or not she ever gets to use it. She ASS-U-MEd she would be watching your baby. That’s on her. It’s not your money she spent. You are under no obligation to let her use the items she purchased.
You need to cut them off for awhile and just breathe. Frankly, I would have kicked them out of your house long ago. The next time she tries to guilt trip you calmly suggest therapy or a support group on line. Her expectations for your child are not reasonable.
All this to deal with in the first 10 days? I’m so sorry for you dealing with this.
Firm boundaries are needed and when they’re not adhered to – actions have consequences. If they don’t wait for an invite they don’t get past the door. MIL interrupting you feeding – doesn’t get to hold baby. Hubby doesn’t help set boundaries – he gets to sleep on the couch or at his mamas.
This is an extremely vulnerable time and that family have already stressed you out big time, not ok. Stress at this time can sink you right into PPD.
Your husband needs to back you up more and stand firm against these people.
Also, the LD nurses – abhorrent. Get a complaint in. And if you decide to have another baby, make sure your husband tells them (in no uncertain terms) NO VISITORS
Shine both your spines and tell them to get the fuck out. This is actual insanity. Lock the door and tell them you will let them know when you’re ready for the next visit (I suggested 3 months from now minimum based on their asinine comments) your husband has failed you miserably here. Stand up for yourself and your baby NOW.
What you allow is what will continue. You need to place some major boundaries. They are stomping all over you.
WTF is wrong with this woman!? Was your husband not in the hospital with you?
Your DH sits his family down and lays it out for all of them or in group text. They were dismissive, rude, selfish, disrespectful and overbearing. He needed to have control over that situation instead of lesving you to fend for yoyrself freshly after labor. His cousin would be on my shit list forever. You just do NOT take away a “first” for any parent! At the very least- a message should be sent out that you are taking time away from others to bond with YOUR baby.
Your husband failed to protect you.
I would demand no more visitors (in-laws) for at least a few weeks, until your husband has a serious talk with MIL about her unacceptable behavior
Your in-laws ruined the first precious hours and days with your baby. Time you will never get back. Bonding is so important, especially during the first hours after birth. They didn’t let you bond with your baby because of their own selfishness. That is inexcusable.
Door stop! One of those cheap plastic wedges.
Kick it under the door of whatever room you are in and you can feed baby in peace.
When MIL inevitably tries the door, you can call out “privacy needed, thank you”. Don’t apologise for needing space. Plus you’re feeding baby, will be finished soon and can’t get up!
When the passive aggressive comments start be ready with “you would not believe how rude and pushy some people are, storming in when I’m feeding! Can you believe that!” The dig will no doubt fly straight over her head.
Oh man, and I thought I had it bad. You need to just put your foot down and say no to all of this. By protecting your own peace, you’re also protecting your baby. You need to rest and bond with your baby and there’s no way to do that if you’re stressed out about your husband’s ridiculous family.
Tell your husband to get his mother in check. wtf is wrong with him?!
This is tough girl. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this. Postpartum is hard enough already. Definitely set those boundaries NOW or they will continue to bulldoze you. Your husband also needs to stand up to them. Set ground rules when they are in your home like DONT OPEN MY DOOR!
Lock doors. No one is allowed in without a previously arranged and agreed-upon visit. That means with BOTH of you, not just hubby agrees.
When you DO agree to visitors and you need to go feed baby, leave the room and lock the door. Use a door stop if the room doesn’t have a door.
Most importantly, hubby needs to be your guardian right now. Ask him to put himself in your shoes – if he were bleeding from the nethers, having to be half naked often to feed your child, and exhausted from a major life change and huge medical procedure, would he want the whole world traipsing in and out and through and around and treating him like you’re being treated?
Stop this NOW or it won’t ever stop.
I think you need to put them in a long time out and then once you’re ready to MAYBE let them visit again, you hit the reset button. They need to be told by your husband that they’ve been out of line and overbearing and you’re taking a break. Then just don’t respond to their calls/texts, and keep your doors locked. If they keep kicking up a fuss, extend the time out.
Your DH can tell them once they back off and realize they’re not going to do whatever they want with your baby and your home, they’ll maybe allowed short visits (with both you and DH there).
Don’t let them “insist” on anything like you taking a walk. Don’t let them have baby alone, even while you go to the bathroom. Babywear. Don’t let them do caretaking tasks like diaper changes or feedings. They act up? They get told the visit is over and to go home. They go off the rails again? Another time out.
You might want to meet in public instead (weeks/months from now) so you don’t have to worry about getting them to leave your house.
They need a major reality check. You’ll have to be firm and tell them no, we’ve got this, that doesn’t work for us, I don’t need help, you need to stop, etc.
Your husband needs to step up and protect you and you guys should focus on your baby and your new normal as a nuclear family instead of dealing with his insane relatives.
Put a ring doorbell up if you don’t have one, put a sign on the door that says mom and baby sleeping do not disturb, lock the doors. Then tell your husband he needs to set boundaries with his family that include no visitors without asking first. He should also tell them that the three of you would like to have a few days alone to get rested and bond with the baby. Make a point of breast-feeding in your room and if it doesn’t have a walk on the door, have your husband change the door knob so it does lock. You can also put a sign on your bedroom door that says breast-feeding, do not disturb.
If you and your husband wanna go for a walk, take the baby with you. Don’t let your in-laws or anyone else push you out of the house. It’s totally up to you when you want to leave your baby alone and with whom.
Congratulations on the new baby. I wish you and your little family the best. .
Babe, you have a Massive husband problem. Where the hell is he and why is he not protecting you and getting his psycho family away from y’all? If my ex had allowed all that, he would have been an Ex IMMEDIATELY rather than 6 months later when he cheated….
The biggest thing, and the hardest, is to STOP. BEING. NICE. Be as angry and mean as you feel. What they are doing is NOT okay.
And keep your doors shut and locked. They should not be at your house without your husband there. Get a wedge for your bedroom door. If your spineless or callous husband can’t keep them away, take the baby in your room & use the wedge on the door so they can’t get in. Works better than any lock.
Oof. You need a hard reset. You had a rough birth and nobody has asked your permission to intrude on your very most private and vulnerable moments.
Husband needs to tell his parents very clearly that he has messed up and things got away from him. This was both of your first child and you did not realize how private it should be. That your privacy has been repeatedly violated and he should have stepped in before. That you’re taking the next 10 days privately as a family and you’ll reach out to let them know when you’re ready for short visits. That you are not at all comfortable leaving your child with anyone and not to ask. That nobody, NOBODY, gets to keep score about who is seeing anyone how much. That nobody posts on social media and nobody opens a closed door in your home without a specific invitation. And no drop in visits. None at all. Not even if they have something “to drop off”. That they should probably all offer an apology for just barging in while you were bleeding and not leaving for very personal checks and jogging the baby from the brand new parents.
And he tells his mom that the room in her house is not the baby’s nursery and she needs to stop telling people it is and/or that she painted a nursery for your child.
Take a hard reset. Lock your doors, get a camera if you don’t have one. Learn to confidently announce when people need to leave. “Ok, it’s been great to see you all, visiting hours are over. Bye bye.”
Good luck.
WTAF, Where is your husband???
Girl… what a mess, you guys are under reacting big time, lots of mistakes along the way, should never told them you were in labor, should have told the care team no visitors, they would happily kick everyone out, now that u know how they are, never let your baby with these crazy, disrespectful people alone. You guys have to say no and enforce it, do not open the freaking door, ignore texts, ignore calls. I know being postpartum is rough, mainly with first kid that yourself is learning, but one of the lessons you learn during motherhood is saying no, is making people stop with their bs and showing them who is the boss, if you want to be the mother of your daughter you have to be a bi*** and not care what people is going to talk about you.
you have a big husband problem that he is not setting boundaries and kicking people out. Why are they even in your house? Why were they in the hospital? Our nursing staff doesn’t even let anyone back without permission and you have to provide a written list of who is allowed- and then they only let people back one at a time!
Lock your front door. Do not answer it. If they are pesky you’d husband goes to the door and says it’s not a good time and they need to schedule time in advance. Period. No.
You need to put some boundaries down and consequences. She’s walking all over you. First off all no visits unless you invite them. If they have a key to your house change the locks. And if they come over uninvited do NOT let them in. You need to get your husband on board with this. And if they do come for a visit and you’re breastfeeding lock the door. You need to sit down with your husband and go over the rules and how you want things to go moving forward.
He can then go over this with his family. Let him deal with them. And if they don’t follow the rules the consequences are no contact with the baby for x amount of time. And each time they disregard your boundaries or disrespect you the time out period gets longer each time.
What a miserable birth and postpartum experience thanks to your weak husband. I’m horrified for you. He let you down and let them walk all over you at your most vulnerable time. Time to have serious discussions with him and set up immediate boundaries. Keep the doors locked, don’t answer the phone. And let your husband read these to see how embarrassing his behavior has been and hopefully he will be wise enough and guilty enough to improve the situation.
Girl, WHAT? I am so fired up about this!
Your husband needs to step in. This is absurd. He needs to wrangle in his family. They came in labor and delivery? What. the. fuck? I would have had my husband tell hospital staff to not let anyone in, period.
I would say there are no more visits until you have settled into your new routine (so for however long you want that to be).
Your husband absolutely has to step in and confront his mother about her behavior. You are recovering from child birth!! You have way too much on your plate to be dealing with this!!
Boundaries needed to be set a while ago, but start now for sure!!!
Set up baby bubble rules, send out a mass text, get it in writing. Let everyone know you “appreciate their support” but you need time to recover and your husband will let everyone know when they’re able to meet/spend time the baby. That everyone needs to be vaccinated since baby isn’t yet etc. this is about baby’s health and well being!!
Don’t let them in when they show up unannounced. Your husband needs to set these boundaries and stick to them… because breastfeeding/hormones/sleep deprivation are difficult enough without all of this company bursting in your baby bubble (and I’m going through the same thing right now! I get it!)
Please show your husband ALL of the comments. His weak paper spine is going to allow HIS overbearing family to destroy your mental health. And inevitably, your marriage.
Congratulations on your baby OP.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s traumatic. They invaded your privacy and physical space, and took some ‘firsts’ from you.
As someone who has been through similar things, that then went on for years. Nip it in the bud now.
Have your DH send a group text message to all in the family:
“Hello.
We are still reeling and recovering from the arrival of LO. We feel we have missed some quiet time with baby since everyone arrived. We need some time and space alone with baby.
If you would like to help, please use this group message thread to ask us, what do we need right now? Sometimes it might be a trip to the shops, a hot meal, or something else practical.
We will let you know when we are ready for visitors.
Thank you for supporting us!”
Send to all family members so you aren’t singling anyone out. If DH won’t send it, do it yourself.
Better to ruffle their feathers than go on with them taking all they want and you suffering for it.
Sis, I am SO angry for you right now, I am mean mugging my phone so hard. I am SEETHING!!!!!!
The entire time I was reading I was wondering: “How tf did they all get into the room in the first place???????????” Did your husband tell them and let them in? Like who invited them in? Is your husband on the same page as you regarding boundaries, visitors, and postpartum recovery???????????
The way I would’ve told them all to get out. Of course I would’ve said it nicely, but very firmly. “Thank you all for coming, but I feel really unwell so I need to rest and bond with the baby. Please go home and we will text you when I feel well enough to receive visitors.” And then ABSOLUTELY TWISTED MY HUSBAND’S BALLS UNTIL HE KICKED THEM ALL OUT. I’m not playing.
If my MIL walked in on me, I would’ve said, “please get out.” And then found my husband and grabbed his balls while instructing him to tell his mother that that was NOT okay and to never enter our bedroom ever again.
You need to get your husband on the same page as you immediiiiiately, sis!! That is the first step. You don’t have to twist his balls, I only do that because we’ve already had this conversation many times so if I was in your situation, it would’ve been willful betrayal on his part. If your husband isn’t aware of how you feel – make him aware. You can be gentle, but he needs to understand that you need to feel safe and comfortable in your own home, you need absolute respect regarding your decision-making as a mother, and you need ironclad boundaries regarding visitors. He also needs to understand that you, him, and the baby are the nuclear family unit now; his (and your) family do not have automatic access to the baby- they earn it by being respectful and considerate of you two as the parents.
Once he is on the same page as you, HE fields all in-law interactions and boundary-enforcing. He can think of it as you guys are Korean soldiers protecting a national monument (the baby): you (mom) are the last line of defense, tied to the monument and protecting it with your body. Dad is the first line of defense, making sure no one gets past him to get to his comrade (you) and the monument. But uh oh, a North Korean brethren (his mom) comes along and tries to get to the monument- “but we’re family” she says. But it doesn’t matter because he swore to protect his comrade and the monument with his life, even against a brother. Whomp whomp.
You two decide how much each family member gets to visit, what kind of access they’re allowed, and any boundaries (and consequences if they cross the line). Then go from there. Until you guys are on the same page, there is no point figuring out how to handle her because your husband very could just undo all your boundaries by being like, “oh come on over, mom! Goofy laugh Hyuk hyuk hyuk!”
Eta: Congratulations on your new baby! You’re going to be so blessed.
You say STOP. “Ever since baby has been born we have been overwhelmed with people and we are taking an immediate break to rest and reset. We’ll be in touch but expect that it will be at least a week” (or whatever). Block them if need be. No excuses, no buts, just no. You. Are. Taking. A. Break. Take a couple days just to breathe and then have a good conversation about taking back control of this situation because it has gotten completely out of hand and is not sustainable. Do not engage until you are feeling confident and ready to start The New Era, one where YOU are in charge and there are boundary and you say no. First off: DO NOT OPEN CLOSED DOORS in someone else’s home. Print off a sign a stick in on your door.
angel, you can do more than tell them to stop. you need to let your husband know that you want them gone and they are not coming over for at least two months.
these people are causing intense stress to you and your baby and your husband needs to start taking meaningful action. he is not a judge or a jury, he does not need to witness things you experienced to act on them. this is not a court of law, he is supposed to be on your team.
if he won’t help you, get your mom to buy you multiple doorstoppers and see about installing new doorknobs with locks. either that or see about staying somewhere else while you go through the next months.
i am so, so sorry. scream and yell and refuse to hand your child over, whatever it takes. it does not matter what insane nonsense MIL does at her house, because you are your baby’s protector.
This is as much a husband problem as it is an in-law problem. What was he thinking letting them invade your hospital room like that.
This is 100% on your husband! This breaks my heart that there are so many men not taking charge and putting boundaries to control the in-laws. This is the last thing you should have to think or worry about. This is all about boundaries and this is not your problem to solve, your only worry is your baby and healing right now.