I’m so upset that my MIL keeps pressuring us to not go on a family vacation to the beach with my side because it is 3 weeks before my SILs due date. She has this vision that all of the siblings need to be at the hospital for the birth. Even though SIL has not said anything and I don’t believe would care if we met the baby a few days later. It’s also a 2 day drive away so even if we did leave early there is no guarantee we’d be there for the birth itself. Also for context I moved to allow my husband to live near his family and so this vacation is the one time every year I get with my whole family. It pisses me off that she would even suggest us missing it when I have made so many sacrifices for them to all live down the street from each other. Am I overreacting?
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This is a power play. You moved, now it’s time to cut your relationship with your family and get isolated so she doesn’t have to compete with another family
“Quite frankly, MIL, it doesn’t matter what you want to happen. Our lives do not center around you and your plans. I have relatives of my own, and we will be joining them for this vacation. If you continue to pressure us on this, [insert consequence here].”
Take an important holiday gathering from her, stop talking to her for a month, really, it doesn’t matter what, just as long as it serves as a deterrent.
INFO: Are you her OB? Actually, even if you were, you could have one of your (medical practice) partners take care of the birth.
Does your husband want to be there for his sister’s birthing? If so, is it acceptable (to you) for you to visit your family alone?
MIL must be smoking something really powerful! NOR
Even if she did give birth 3 weeks before her due date, do NOT change your vacation. She’s actually ridiculous.
Not only I wouldn’t want my baby to meet anyone if she’s that early!!!!
Wanna make a bet MIL hasn’t asked SIL if she wants the entire family hanging out at the hospital while she tries to push a watermelon out of her private parts? Go on vacation. Your MIL is ridiculous and way over stepping.
MIL is ridiculous. She can get over herself.
Hell no
As a current pregnant person I’d lose my shit if all my siblings and extended family were waiting at the hospital. Call your sil, I guarantee she doesn’t want that.
Your should call your SIL and tell her that your MIL is pressuring you to cancel a long time planned family vacation so that you can aaaaaaall come to the hospital and overwhelm her and her newborn.
But like the reasonalbe adults that your husband and you are, you will let this pass and visit her whenever she has recovered, adjusted, and feels comfortable with having visitors.
Also, tell MIL to fuck off. Enjoy your family vacation and know that you are only respecting a new mom.
Go on your trip. Afterwards, isolate. (You know, in case you brought germs home.) Check with SIL about when she wants you to visit. MIL doesn’t get a vote in this.
I guarantee SIL doesn’t care but does your husband agree with you?
You’re SIL probably doesn’t want you guys at the hospital and will likely not want everyone around right away. I’ve know only one person who wanted everyone at the hospital, but she’s a narcissist and only birthed her kids for attention anyway to later just abandon them… most mother’s want some time to protect and bond with the babies they just birthed… your MIL sounds very controlling
The MIL’s expectations are unreasonable, considering the pre-planned vacation, the lack of input from the SIL, the geographical distance, and the sacrifices the individual has already made.
Just do what you want. Chances of her going into labor that early aren’t super high, plus even if it does happen, no one but MIL will care. She’d get over it.
Nope, and you say just that to MIL, “I can’t believe you would even suggest we miss the one trip a year I see my family, after I made the sacrifice to move to this town.” And if she pushes, “We will meet the baby upon our return, should SIL even go into labor early. Do not continue to pressure us.”
My brother and SIL just had their first baby, and had a hard no of anybody at the hospital. The birth was tough and she ended up with a c-section, so the recovery was rough and none of them wanted a bunch of visitors.
They also didn’t let anybody come by for a few days until they got into a groove at home.
I would not assume your SIL even wants anybody there.
That’s ridiculous. Does SIL even want visitors in the hospital? Even if she does, the baby will still be there when you get back.
First babies also don’t usually come that early so you’d likely be canceling for no reason (is this a first baby?). If you were the other parent of the baby& were needed as support for the birth, then yes, canceling would make sense. In your case, it doesn’t.
I’d would call SIL and ask her what SHE wants.
As long as your spouse backs you up, don’t worry about it and do your thing.
It sounds like your MIL is speaking for your SIL. Why not go directly to SIL and ask her if it’s really that important to HER? My guess would be that she doesn’t care. This is MIL trying to control the situation. We’ve learned (after 30 years) to go directly to the source instead of letting MIL do the go-between. You wouldn’t believe the things she’s made up for her own purposes.
Does she have a jealous streak when it comes to your family? Sounds more like she’s just trying to monopolise your time and stop you from going with them.
Not overreacting. You can be happy for SIL but you don’t have to put your life on hold for her.
Check out the other posts on this sub about MILs wanting to be around for L&D – and how many women want to turn their birthing room into a parade of visitors while their feet are up in the stirrups. (Spoiler: No one wants a crowd. Hospitals limit the number of visitors to the delivery room.)
The chances are absolutely *minimal* that SIL wants ‘all the siblings at the hospital’ and more that MIL wants all her children making a fuss over *her* getting a new grandchild.
Go vaycay. Pick up some cute souvenir onesie or bib for the nibling. Be prepared to wait another 2 weeks before hearing that SIL has headed into the hospital.
Nope, not overreacting. Your MIL has confused “vision” with “delusion”.
Go on your planned vacation, enjoy the beach, your family, and if you feel generous, offer to FT with your SIL/BIL at some convenient point to wish them well.
Jeez, these enmeshed family systems act like they’re the only people in the universe. Exhausting.
I highly doubt you SIL wants the entire extended family at her bedside an hour after giving birth.
Nope this in the bud now or, if you have kids, you’ll have all these same people at the hospital visiting you.
Why do you all have to be there? Are you the anaesthetist, the obstetrician and the nurses? Tell MIL (politely) to pound rocks. You’re not staying home to cheerlead your SIL’s labour…if only because you definitely don’t want a cheerleading squad when you go into labour yourself (and I bet SIL doesn’t want one either). Definitely not overreacting.
Your MIL is deluded, to the point of being n*ts.
It is hugely violating of SIL to invade her space post birth. Ignore MIL, or discuss with SIL and loop her in on what’s going on- do you want us there?
Then step away from the convo
I wouldn’t change my plans for someone else’s pregnancy. It’s not like I’m delivering the baby. You can meet the baby when you get home.
Ignore her. She can’t do anything to physically make you not go or be at the hospital so I think I’d bean dip this.
Yah this is an old school way of thinking….no one giving birth wants anyone in the waiting room to barge in right after they gave birth. My in-laws kept saying they’d rush to the hospital and wait and I said no. Don’t do that. We’ll call you when and if we want visitors.
Let your SIL know you look forward to meeting baby when they’re home from the hospital when she feels comfortable and ready. Ignore crazy MIL.
No. The birth is between her and her spouse, and if she wants visitors, then she can ask for them, but you all aren’t required to drop your plans for someone else’s child. You’ll drop your plans when it’s your child.
Go to the beach and enjoy yourselves. It’s not like your SIL is going to want you there right after she has her baby, at least not if she’s normal! Beg off until the woman has had a chance to get home, settle in, and recover a bit. Good heavens.
Nope. Not her decision. I never went to the hospital when my sibling gave birth. 🤢 she didn’t come when I gave birth either. That’s just creepy. (Crazy sib)
Chances are you’ll be back before she delivers, and if you’re day or two late, no one that counts cares. The happy parents are going to be so covered up, they won’t miss you.
No, this is ridiculous. There’s no reason for you, your husband or anyone in the family to be there unless one of you are her ob or some other sort of medical person helping with the birth. Ridiculous. Even when my great grandmother was dying her son went away on his planned golf trip. You don’t know the exact date she will go into labor just like he didn’t know when his mother would pass (I know it’s wildly different). You can’t put your life on hold lol tell mil to send a pic if sil is allowing pics and you’ll see the baby when you get back if sil is allowing visitors.
Giving birth is NOT a spectator sport. You do what you want to do for your immediate family, and ignore your ridiculous MIL. You can decide with SIL when it’s appropriate to meet baby.
Maybe mil wants an army of relatives so she can guilt the new mom into doing what mil wants. She’ll say ‘all these people came all this way to see the baby(which she plans to be holding)’. Nope out of that. Maybe call SIL to chat and mention you’ll be on vacation and to wish her well before you go. Have your own relationship with SIL’s family.
Just think if you haven’t had children yet, she will do all of the things she’s doing now to you. She literally wants an audience so she can bully a vulnerable new mom into doing what she wants instead of what the mom wants. Trust me if you and your hubby participate in this your SIL will not forget, nor will she forgive you. Women remember who makes their life difficult during their postpartum period. Also place yourself in her shoes? Would you want this? Base your answer on this. Go on your friggen vacation. Cause that’s another thing, if you give in MIL will think she can ALWAYS demand that, that’s a precedent you DO NOT want to set.
Why is your MIL triangulating your relationship with your SIL? Speak to your SIL directly, and don’t engage with your MIL on this topic.
Who cares what MIL expects. Go have fun on your vacation and temporarily block her number on your phones while you are away.
Have you or your hubby advised her you are not changing your plans and asked her to stop? If not, your silence on the matter may be fuelling this pipe dream of hers…..
I would go around her and contact SIL yourself:
“Hi SIL, I bet you are getting excited about your new baby arriving. I know it’s super important to MIL for all family to be present at the hospital for the birth but I wanted to reach out because I thought it was important to see what you wanted for your birth and postpartum. Personally I think I would want some exclusive time with my baby and some time for recovery before everyone else met my child so it was important for me to check what your wishes are. We will be on holiday with my family 3 weeks prior to your due date so we should be back when you have the baby but we wanted to let you know that we 100% support any decision you make and, should anything happen while we’re away, we hope you have a safe and quick labour”
3 WEEKS before the due date? Hopefully DH tells his mother you are all going on the vacation, and that she should not bring it up again. MIL has this fantasy of an uber connected family that doesn’t quite exist outside of fiction.
Honestly, message SIL privately. We’re super excited about meeting our new cousin. We will be out of town from x-x. Please let us know what you prefer, and when you’re comfortable with us coming to meet your sweet new baby.
“NO! We are going on vacation. We will see the baby when we are invited over.”
First off you need to ask SIL directly if she even WANTS ppl at the hospital. She might not, and this could all be MIL fantasy and you would be helping ruin SIL birthing experience. Second after giving birth most women are so exhausted and overwhelmed they don’t notice who is there or care. She might genuinely prefer to see you all after she has time to recover. Third and most important this is YOUR time with YOUR family, don’t cancel it. MIL will survive, and she needs to learn she doesn’t schedule everyone’s lives.
But seriously talk to your SIL directly, don’t just take your MIL word.
Your SiL is not going to want a tour through her hospital room 4 hours after giving birth, anymore than she’s going to be excited for everyone and their cousins to hold her newborn.
Tell your MiL that you plan to be respectful of SiL’s postpartum needs and will give her a couple days to get her bearings before you descend on her family.
What is it with MiL’s forgetting the realities of child birth and forcing their own agenda on their adult children’s medical procedures?
Tell her enough is enough. SIL is having a baby and will not want a bunch of people around. Tell her you intend to go to see your family the one time of the year that you can and women have babies every day.
MIL is not your parent or your boss. She cannot tell you what to do. Go on your vacation!
I would have stopped my mom if she planned shit like this. Ask your SIL what she wants and needs and if she is okay with you coming a few days later with some nice food and groceries.
Also 3 weeks before due date 😄 that’s not likely where I am from. Most first time moms (more than 80%) go past their due date, when that process is not manipulated.
Can you talk to your SIL about it?
‘Your mother is making sure everyone is at the hospital, when you go into labor. Is that really what you have in mind, for the birth?’
Chances are, it stops right there, if SIL says she’s actually uncomfortable with the idea.
If she does expect everyone to be there, you can still explain that you and your husband will be away, from this to that date. So if she goes into labor while you’re away, it will take a bit for you both to get back, but it has absolutely nothing to do with not being thrilled to become auntie and uncle.
If MIL pushes again, it’s ‘Oh, don’t worry about it. We talked it over with SIL, it’ll be absolutely fine. No need to stress her and yourself out over it. So… are you ready to become a grandmother (again)? (Change the subject)’
Just tell your husband to shut this shit down. You are getting your vacation with your family baby or no baby. It’s ridiculous to think you need to be at the hospital.
My own mother did not change her vacation plans when I was pregnant with my first child! Guess what, she met the baby when she came back. It was fine.
Your SIL and her spouse need time to bond with the baby without visitors, you need time with your family who you don’t get to see enough, and your MIL needs to mind her own business.
You are NOT overreacting! I’m angry on your behalf! You need to make it very clear to SO that sacrificing your vacation is not an option. Enjoy your time with your family, and do it guilt-free. Updates needed!
Uhh … no. Hard no.
This is NOT her birth or her labor or ANY of it.
She needs to get back in her lane.
Wish your SIL well and drop off a meal when you’re back.
Not overreacting. My MIL is the same way insisting everyone on my husband’s side of the family has to be together for every little thing. Its ridiculous and so dismissive of you and your husband having your own family with it’s own needs. I would either shut it down or just ignore her. Def don’t skip your family vacay!!
You are not overreacting.
I’ve got 5 nephews and two kids of my own. I’ve seen how much non-interacting a newborn and parents need.
That many people do NOT need to be there, and they’ll mostly only be popping in for a moment because mom and baby need quiet and privacy.
A few days later is BETTER, and if SIL doesn’t legitimately care, neither should anyone else. Plus, if this is how MIL is, you don’t want to be there while she’s overstepping on SIL.
Enjoy the vacation guilt free!
I do not think this has anything to do with anything but her flexing— and your having live in her lap might have encouraged this BS. I bet she has decided this for your SIL without input too, and I bet your SIL is horrified by this. I do hope you have a husband who is keenly aware of how much he is in your debt, and he will take care of this with firmness some it’s his mother.
Just say no. If your husband wants to go, fine no drama but there’s no reason for you to go and cut your vacation short.
Tell her no and mean it this time, you’re not doing that and to stop bringing it up. Then you cut contact until after your vacation when she brings it up again, because she will. She can only pressure you if you let her.
I know it can feel crappy to have to be this way but it’s her fault. She’s the childish one that can’t drop it when you’ve already told her no. She’s forcing you to treat her like a child that needs a time out because she can’t accept a no.
Besides, SIL probably doesn’t want a parade of people coming to see her during and after birth.
NOR But stop giving your MIL an ear and go on your vacation.
We love new additions to the family everywhere but something about one baby being born doesn’t mean everyone needs to hault there life and be on gaurd, me and my friend are in Asia for 2 months and her sister had a baby a few weeks ago. Before she came out her sister told her she was upset that she’d be gone for the birth (innocent enough but Still, 2 months. Baby will be 4 weeks old when My frien returns home.) However, when she returns home her mom is going to pick her up and then her sister and new baby are coming as well its a 2hrs car ride there and 2 hrs back a 4 week old, my friend wants to tell her family that a baby shouldnt be in the car that long and while she’s excited to meet her, she’ll be landing from a 36 hr Travel time. She’s gonna be tired, jet lagged and then they’re just adding the fussy baby to a 2 hr car ride. But if she talks to them lightly they’re all like “No she loves car ride, She’ll be fine.” They don’t have to travel more than maybe 20 min at a time in there town not 2 hrs.
I’m not skipping beach days for a baby that only has like 15% something to do with me.
Neither your MIL nor SIL should be making decisions for how you spend your time and where you spend it. You have plans to spend time with your family of origin, and they have likely arranged their schedules so that they can spend time with you. Especially because this is a once a year event you should not miss it. No one in their right mind would expect you to.
Turn off your MIL’s access to your devices, including communication and location. Be completely free of her for the duration of the trip. Let your husband wrangle all contact with his clan. He most certainly owes you headspace that excludes your in-laws.
No. But your MIL is. What new mom wants the whole family in the hospital for the birth of her child?!
Wack a doodle behavior
I bet your SIL doesn’t want an audience to entertain immediately after birth but I also bet no one says “no” to your MIL and that’s where this entitled behavior comes from. If your SIL hasn’t specifically requested for you to be at the hospital then don’t worry about it, enjoy your vacation and come visit your SIL with a hot meal in hand when she’s ready for guests at home.
MIL is out of line. SIL probably doesn’t even want anyone at the hospital to begin with, I know I won’t want people there.
The question is, what is your husband saying? He needs to call his mother and tell her no. If that is t happening you have a husband problem, not a MIL problem.
NOR at all. What has your husband said about it all? Also your MIL doesn’t know if your SIL will even want many visitors regardless if they are family in the first few days after giving birth. That’s potentially putting pressure on her if you’ve cancelled holidays to see her and baby that she has to see people
Absolutely not overreacting. It’s going to make no difference to the newborn or your status as aunt/uncle, if you meet the baby a few days later.
If the roles were reversed would SIL cancel a vacation to wait out your labour?
Your SIL may not even want all of those people present and may prefer a quiet, private birth with the child’s father. Even if she did want you there, it is OK to say no and keep your plans.
This is a question to ask SIL. You need to ask her if she wants a bunch of people there. Your MIL has no business bullying people into going if SIL hasn’t even invited you personally.
We literally left for vacation when my great grandma died (after she died, but we missed the wake and funeral) and my dad and I were the closest to her out of the entire family. My mom too. The whole family said “don’t miss your trip—Grammie wouldn’t have wanted that.” And we had fun in her honor. This is a no brainer for me. Don’t feel guilty for even a SECOND. The baby will be there when you get back.
Oh Op. you are not overreacting at all. With the audience your MIL is gathering then I am sure that your SiL will appreciate fewer people around when baby is born plus there are no guarantees that baby will arrive early. Go and enjoy your holiday with your family and tell dh to let his mum know that she can’t control your holidays snd to butt out.
OP, with all the love and support to you, I’m not understanding why it matters to you what MIL expects? I say that with all the respect in the world because as an adult, you should feel free to make your own choices. If you don’t, then that’s something that needs to be addressed. Even if she’s the type to cause drama if you don’t follow what she says, MIL needs to get used to the fact that you and hubby are adults and can make choices for yourselves and what works best with your needs.
That said out of respect and maintaining a good relationship with SIL (or at least to be the bigger person even if you two may not be super close? Don’t know the background), I would talk to SIL. Ask her how you and your husband could best support her. Maybe she might not want everyone around – SIL knows herself better than MIL and what she will need. Let her know you have a family vacation scheduled around the time of her expected date that’s really important to you to attend but that it’s just as equally important to you to make SIL feel loved and supported by you and your husband during her exciting time. Offer to make and drop off some ready-made meals that can be frozen and placed in the oven before your trip so she and BIL can heat up when needed (or setup a meal train or have food delivery services setup), offer her a gift card to have house cleaning services provided for a few sessions, or put together a basket with necessities for baby and mom (like diapers, wipes, baby shampoo, burp cloths, pacifiers, nursing pads, heavy pads for mom, a water bottle to keep mom hydrated, a journal for writing down memories/logs), etc. to save her and BIL from having to make a trip. Let her know everyone gets so excited to help with the firsts shifts (sometimes it can be so overwhelming to have so many people all at once!), but then taper off after a couple of weeks and that you’d like to jump in to offer support once she’s had time to figure out and adjusted to life with baby and will better know her needs. Let her know your absence doesn’t mean she isn’t important to you and hubby and how excited you are to have your soon to be niece/nephew here and apart of the family. Just knowing that support is there at your call can mean so much!
Don’t cancel! SIL may go over her due date, and then you’ve missed seeing your family for nothing. MIL can get over herself.
You are not overreacting. Your MIL is off her rocker. That’s an insane ask.