I’m just venting here. My LO is generally a pretty happy kiddo. But, she’s 2, her back molars are coming in, and she’s stoped taking naps. When MIL came over this was really the 1st time she seen LO in a bad mood, so she took that PERSONALLY, kept making passive aggressive comments to the 2yr old, going on about her feelings being hurt, and for a while refused to look at LO which seemed super weird to me. My husband brushed it off, but it made me super uncomfortable. Like, you can take anything a toddler does personally, especially an over tired one who’s face hurts. Thank you for letting me vent.
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Sounds like my MIL – used to complain all the time that the littles nephew wouldn’t smile for her.
So there were two toddlers at your house today? 😂
That’s really fucked up. To guilt and blame a toddler for struggling with normal toddler things is borderline emotional abuse. I’d have a talk with her and let her know that that it can’t ever happen again, and she won’t be allowed to see your baby if she does this.
I know old people can get regressive but what a window to what your spouse probably went thru.
I commiserate. I’ve told my own parent off for that, too. “There is only ONE child in this room, and they are the ONLY person I’m going to tolerate childish behavior from.” H needs to put his mom in her place. There is no call for a grown-ass woman to be rude to a child. What, was H raised by several nannies? Did MIL just drug him out when he was teething or sick? Like, who the hell takes a teething toddler personally? So much for a healthy, mature support system in her. I’d totally take her deeply offended (and offensive) behavior as an open invitation to cancel plans with her every single time LO is anything less than incandescent happy :).
I treat children like I treat dogs and cats, you don’t want to say hello or be in my vicinity – absolutely fine, you go and be whatever you want in that moment.
Yea my mil used to take that kinda thing personally too. She’s totally whacko. Like a toddler can help that kind of thing.
I’d put her in a time out for that alone. She shouldn’t be passive aggressive to a TWO year old. Kids aren’t gonna be all sunshine and rainbows when she visits and she can’t take that personally.
She is teaching your LO that MIL’s feelings are more improved than her own pain. And we wonder why so many of us grow up to be doormats and afraid to rock the boat
Ask your husband how he would feel if someone had kicked him in the balls and you’d be mad at him because he’s walking funny. Because that’s what MIL is doing to your child.
MIL came over probably interrupting your schedule and expected your toddler to be the perfect entertainer. Every adult who’s ever had a tooth ache should know what a little human is going through while teething.
The funny thing is, your husband is ignoring your 2year olds bad mood while he’s totally fine with his mother acting like a toddler. That man needs to get his priorities straight.
Edit: formatting
My MIL does that too. My toddler doesn’t do stuff he doesn’t want to do- ever. I have to force him to say hi to her so that he’ll learn manners. Don’t come at me. But half the time we don’t force him because it’s annoying and because she’s an adult that can handle her feelings. She says things like, “Toddler, you hate me, right? You hate Grandma.” He ignores her.
The thing is…I don’t think he hates her, but I don’t think he cares for her. He and I visited when he was almost 18 months and he was still breastfeeding. My husband warned not to talk to me about quitting bfing because it’s a decision we made together. Of course she broke her promise that she wouldn’t and ranted about it the entire weekend. But not only did she nag me – she nagged the baby and even tapped his butt while nagging him, like not quite spanking but…omg. I was boiling, but my toddler must’ve gotten sick of it because he suddenly SLAPPED her hand away and yelled in her face lol. She stopped after that. So I don’t think he has fond memories.
She says dumb stuff like, “Toddler, I’m going to give lots of presents to your baby brother and not you because you don’t talk to me!!” As if that would inspire him to build an authentic relationship with her. But he still ignores her. (Our second has never met her, he’s not quite one and just happy to see a face in the magic screen lol.)
I get it though. She’s insecure and lonely. People who insecure tend to try use manipulative and passive aggressive tactics to guilt people into interacting with them. I don’t know if it ever occurs to them to just change. Probably not because they are probably like, “whatever, I only like people who love me for me!” I know for my MIL, well I think she feels entitled to love because she sacrificed so much to raise them.
It always baffles me when a grown ass adult gets their feelings hurt when a child is experiencing and navigating their own emotions.
It is a bigger deal than your husband is admitting. It’s manipulative and will set a precedence.
My 3yr grandbaby has learned to pronounce the word hate very clearly. If we took it personally, we’d all be in our corners crying. We’re now explaining the weight that word carries and introducing more appropriate words for her feelings. They see and hear everything. They learn from us.
Ugghh. That’s rough. I’m sorry she behaved that way. My MIL would do something similar when my kids were small. Its like she’d come over to use them as “supply” to cheer her up on her bad days. Our little ones always picked up on her neediness and underlying negative energy. So we told them from the start, in terms small ones could understand, that they never had to hug or perform for Gramma if they didn’t want to. I remember the first time my kids refused to hug her. She tried to force them, and they backed away. Then she tried to guilt them by saying they were going to make Gramma cry if they didn’t do what she wanted. DH and I backed them up and said they dont have to hug anyone if they dont feel like it, even you. We sent our kids off to play, and MIL tore a strip off of us and told us we had very badly behaved children who were rude and we’d better do something about it. We showed her the door. Our youngest was especially perceptive to her comments and intentions. He was two and had been talking for a very long time, but he wouldn’t talk around his Gramma. She got mad and told him she knew a boy younger than him who was much smarter and could talk. He took that comment in, and he refused to speak to only her for the next 3 years! She didn’t hear him talk until he was 5 😂. We told her if she’d behaved better, she wouldn’t have missed out.
Your husband is a douche. He should’ve told his mother that she was the one acting like a toddler and if she couldn’t understand that a child who is overtired and cutting teeth isn’t feeling all sunshine and rainbows, maybe she shouldn’t visit until the child is 4 or 5.
I would never tolerate anyone being passive aggressive towards my 2 year old. The F? They are people and they are allowed to have bad days. These MIL’s think we had children for their b emotional gratification. I’m keeping my LO NC from my MIL because I dont want him getting attached to an adult that thinks my children should cater to her emotions and moods or pacify her.
My MIL is like that. As soon as my child doesn’t do something that she wants them to do, it’s emotional manipulation time: “if you’re not happy to see mamaw, I guess I’ll just go home” (why would a 1 year old understand any of that??). Part of the reason we’re VLC now.
I bet if you asked DH about his childhood (& this type is behavior specifically), he would either say he didn’t remember, or it’s familiar (& in rare cases, he’d say he was treated the exact same way). He was trained to take the emotional manipulation so he does t see it’s wrong or the long term effects. Let him know why you’re uncomfortable with it, MIL will ramp it up as your LO gets older.
My MIL is like this and thinks best way to respond to 2 year old is by pouting. I respond to her BS out loud using adult words. The one that usually gets me most is when she only wants him to play in one certain way and throws a fit if he doesn’t do it her way. I say out loud, do you want to play with your grandson and enjoy being with him, or just want to try to boss him around all day?