Once again fall is upon us and my MIL is taking it upon herself to invite herself to everything and plan events almost every weekend. She’s asked multiple times now about activities that are meant for families to dress up and go get candy- like a fall train ride, a zoo dress up day, etc. My biggest issue is the train ride, I said to DH it’d be fun to take LO around their birthday and I just know MIL is angling to be invited. Every year I throw a party for LO on their birthday weekend with friends and family and every year my MIL has spent LO’s birthday with us. Am I wrong for just wanting it to be DH, LO and I on their birthday when I always have a party that weekend??
But also recently someone else in DH’s extended family has made comments to MIL regarding her “I have to be around the grandkids always” and she’s now upset. But it’s true. I’m not trying to prevent the woman from seeing her grandchild but inviting yourself to things, always planning family events, etc is obnoxious. We’re busy. My LO does stuff everyday, is in a playgroup every week, storytime, in pre-k, etc. She is invited to plenty of non-babysitting things and acts like if she doesn’t do everything always it’s not enough. Of course we know what happens if I say no, DH blows up and it’s “why can’t she just come.”
Lastly, we again had a boundaries discussion and it was turned on me that I need to have boundaries. So my suggested boundary is “I don’t have to attend family events…” (duh already knew that and trust me I don’t go to everything) but when I said “Your boundary is not planning events constantly and pushing me out of my child’s life is your boundary” she argued. And then she planned a birthday party for a family member when I had a leadership church event and couldn’t go so she was able to spend a whole afternoon with my child. Crazy, manipulative, purposeful? I think so.
Autonomy. That’s what I want in my life and marriage is autonomy from Mil’s (and DH’s whole family) insane thinking.
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I “apologized” to my MIL for my behavior to save my marriage and I’m not at peace with myself., 2 years ago
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So you have a husband problem it seems. He blows up at you?
To the “what’s the harm in MIL attending?” DH, MIL is not a third parent. I would like the three of us (OP, DH, LO) to have our own family time. Why are you (DH) so opposed to that?
Your MIL maybe inviting herself, but your SO is allowing it. Your problem is a SO problem not a MIL problem. Nothing is happening that is not allowed. Stop allowing it. SO gets mad? Okay, let him get mad. You’re mad it keeps happening. Let him be mad for once.
Stop telling her your plans, that’s the first step. And DH really needs to have your back in this, sounds weak af.
I don’t get how people are like this – surely you know you’re not wanted??? I’d be so embarrassed if I even accidentally invited myself to something that people didn’t want me to go to.
Ugh, sorry you’re dealing with this!
I can relate, my MIL is similar. What helped me is understanding that boundaries are what you will do, not a request for her to change.
Boundaries:
“I will not invite MIL on LOs actual birthday this year”
“I can tolerate X activities per month with MIL – any others and me and LO will not attend”
“To prevent MIL from inviting herself, I won’t tell her the details of our plans.”
“If MIL invites herself, I will tell her ‘no’”.
“If MIL actually arrives, I will politely say goodbye and take LO and leave”.
If DH “blows up” at you, that’s bullying to get you to comply. That’s not okay. You’re allowed to have boundaries in order to protect yourself.
I’m sorry you’re going through this OP!
“…if I say no, DH blows up and it’s “why can’t she just come.”
Fix your husband problem, and your MIL problem will resolve itself. Remind your husband that the two of you created a new nuclear family, and his mother is now extended family. Your commitment is to each other and your child(ren). His mother is not a part of your marriage. Suggest marriage counseling. Tell him to stop seeking his mommy’s approval, and stand up and be a man/husband/father in his own family.
Stop sharing what you plan on doing. I find that helps
Why not initiate the conversation with DH before she starts asking? Then you two can be a unified front.
You are overlooking the big husband problem you have.
This is a husband problem.
It’s totally normal to have some events just be you, your husband, and the kids. You’re not wrong to want that! I wonder how your husband would feel if it was your family/friends that were invited to literally everything and monopolized LOs time… maybe it would finally click.
This is a husband problem. He wants to give into mommy and let her come to everything so she gets off his back and he doesn’t have to listen to her whine, or so she isn’t upset with him, or both. He doesn’t mind upsetting you it seems, or knows you’ll just deal with it and then he doesn’t have to tell his mother no.
How does she even find out about these things you want to do with just DH and LO? She asks your husband and he tells her?
Mine did that for so long! We had to stop telling anyone what we were doing if we didn’t want her there. No matter who we told it would get back to her and she just showed up. Loud and obnoxious every time. Currently she’s “not talking to us” so it’s been peaceful but I know it will end eventually and she’ll be back to her old ways
Your MIL is taking as much advantage as she is allowed to, and your husband is letting her. Tell him to man the f–k up and focus on his immediate family. If he can’t do that, then why bother with this guy? He’s unable or unwilling to put his child and his wife first. And who GAF how mad he gets because you won’t just go along… get mad back! He wants to play house, but he doesn’t want to take responsibility.
Huge DH problem. He’s sacrificing his own family time to keep his mom happy. Huge mistake.
Ask me how I — son/father/husband/son-in-law — know
When my kids were little I would let my mom and dad do the fun things with my kids, like trick or treating, going camping, or theme parks etc. thinking that when I have grandkids I will get my “turn”. Well joke is on me, neither of my kids are having kids. One biologically can’t and the other doesn’t want to pass on family diseases and disorders. It breaks my heart that I won’t be a grandma. Please take back your small family time because you can’t get that time back later. Nothing is ever guaranteed. Yes she wants to tag along but as a family unit you need time without her! DH doesn’t want to deal with her being upset, too bad! You are the mom you set the rules and what works for you and your family. The phrases“ that doesn’t work for us” or just a plain “no we have other plans” are great go to’s.
OP, if you’re not going to leave your husband then you need to pick your battles. Let MIL and/or DH take LO to events that you don’t care about so that you can have a spa day or brunch date with friends. Fight for the events that matter to you, but not every event matters!
You know you have a husband problem so unfortunately you have to compromise and not compete because you end up looking like the bad guy. Drop the rope, unless it matters.
I would blow up right back. He doesn’t get to micromanage your every free minute with your children. And I would tell him if she’s coming you’re not invited and I will go with the kids alone without both of us.
It’s time to buck up and make his life hard