I decided to go NC 6 months ago after I saw her for who she really is. She is deeply enmeshed, emotional incest, narcissistic, co-dependent, Oedipus complex, etc. Husband doesn’t think she means any harm and he doesn’t think she had any sexual/incestuous intent… keep in mind, my MIL sits on my husband’s lap at gatherings, holds his hand in public, stays in the room while he changes, and basically dumps her emotional baggage on him.
I understand, I can’t make my husband change his opinion about his mother but how do I not feel gross(?) he would want to continue a relationship with someone like that? We have already moved 300 miles away and her and he still doesn’t think her actions were grotesque. This woman has disrespected me as well, she has criticized me for the majority of our relationship… always telling me I should do more and how I don’t do enough (I do more than her son). I just feel betrayed but it’s probably not justified.
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It’s hard for outsiders to understand. That is their normal. You coming in and saying it isn’t normal doesn’t make any sense to either of them because it’s perfectly normal to them.
His relationship with his mother is HIS, not yours. It doesn’t have to make sense to you, you don’t have to like it. But it isn’t up to you whether or not he maintains a relationship with family. Only he can decide that. And it doesn’t sound like he will.
Again, what he is doing is totally and completely normal to him. It’s how he’s known her his whole life. That isn’t to say you can’t find it gross. I find it gross too. But it isn’t my business and it really isn’t much of yours either.
I think what you’re asking is how can you not be grossed out that hed even want a relationship with her, right? It’s like a kid carrying around an old blanket. The blanket is old, stained, dirty, torn, etc. but see what happens if you try and take that blanket away from that kid. The kid doesn’t care how you feel about the blanket, only how HE feels about, and that’s HIS blanket. There isn’t anything wrong with the kid, he just has a much different feeling towards the blanket than you do. Right? It’s the same way with family. That’s HIS mom, doesn’t matter how anyone else feels about her.
Try not to look at like he’s choosing to have a relationship with someone terrible. He doesn’t see her that way.
Oh no, it’s justified. That’s just downright creepy. My stepson’s mother had the nerve to ask his partner to sleep in another room so she could sleep with him when she visited. Boy, did we have a good laugh over THAT one. He’s been trained and it takes lot of “untraining” to fix that.
The only thing I can think of is if he tries to hold your in public when you’re out, shake it off. And if he asks why, say something to the effect of “that’s how you show affection to your mother. I do not think it’s appropriate to have the same level of affection with your wife”. Or if he ever tried to do pull you into his lap just say “your mother does that and I don’t want to be a placeholder for that”
Your husband doesn’t see it that way, so that’s the biggest issue here. Perhaps through therapy he might.
As to how you stop feeling gross, I have no idea. Her behavior and his participation in it are revolting to read and I would not stay with someone who had no boundaries with a parent in that regard. It’s one thing to come from a family of “huggers” but it’s a whole other mess to come from a family of, “is she my mom or my girlfriend?”
Therapy. He needs LOTS.