Hi all,
I need advice because my MIL situation has completely spiraled.
From the beginning she’s been OTT nice — constantly giving me clothes (usually her old ones), texting me about how much her son cares about me and how we “need to communicate,” even suggesting what I should wear. On the surface it looks like kindness, but it’s always intrusive and controlling.
My partner has basically been her provider: gives her thousands of pounds in allowance every month, sends her on luxury holidays, buys her tens of thousands worth of jewellery, even a car. She guilts him endlessly if he doesn’t give enough. I have no doubt she sees me as a threat to her lifestyle.
When I finally asked for boundaries — like her not turning up unannounced at our home — it exploded. She then came to our over while I was out, went through all of my things, and took back anything she’d ever given me. Total invasion of my space and privacy. My partner claimed he didnt see her spot but in my eyes he let it happen because he can’t stand up to her. I do recognise this is difficult for him too.
After that, she screamed at him on the phone that she would beat me up, that I bully him, that he has “no loyalty.” Then she started sending me direct threats: accusing me of stealing, saying she’d go to my elderly parents’ house to “tell them what I’m like,” and threatening to call the police on me for theft. She also texted him that “people would be lucky to have a MIL like me,” that she no one else, and even suicidal threats.
Meanwhile, he breaks down, says he’s stuck in guilt, but then keeps rolling over to her, though I do see that he is scared of her and any consequences that would occur if their dynamic shifts. Meanwhile, I get painted like I’m the aggressor, after all this he has put pressure on me to meet her to “talk it out.” When I refuse (because she’s threatened me multiple times), they both spin it like I’m the problem.
Sadly I see her behaviour in him. He loses his temper, makes threats, hides sentimental items from me (the same way she used to with him as a child), and then flips into remorse. It’s a cycle that feels exactly like hers, just directed at me. I can see how much it hurts him when he catches what he’s doing.
I love him, but he won’t hold her accountable, and the enmeshment is extreme. I know about trauma bonds and narcissistic mothers, but living through it feels impossible.
Is there any hope for me here, or am I just signing up to be MIL’s next long-term victim?
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He’s also dangerous. I loathe jumping straight to breakup, but they’re not stable
I don’t often go straight to this but she is abusive and so is he. He’s nowhere near the man you need and you’d be better off on all fronts if you were to go find that man.
Your partner is already married to his mom. Even if he recognizes that he has a problem, it would likely take years of therapy to un-mesh with her. Do you want to live like this for those years, or forever?
Sure there’s hope, by which I mean if you get the fuck out before he starts hitting you, you won’t get hit.
Hope that he’ll change his behavior—why would that happen? He has zero interest in changing his behavior or separating from his mother. Hoping that people will do thing they actively don’t want to do is not a productive endeavor, and in your case sounds like it could be dangerous.
What people want to happen doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is what is actually happening, which is that you are being treated abusively both by your MIL and by your partner.
Your main focus right now should be your safety, and neither of those people are safe for you to be around.
Wow. Is this the life you want? If not, you have to give your partner the choice: I am your partner or she is
They are both abusive get the hell away from them, and for God sake’s don’t get pregnant
Girl you need to run and run fast
You’re not only signing up to be MIL’s victim, but also your husband’s. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?
You’re signing up to be a victim all right, but not just hers, HIS! You need to get out of it now while you can. If it continues, and if he keeps acting like her, you have no way of knowing if it’ll turn into HIM threatening to beat you, or actually doing it if you make him or mommy mad enough. Protect yourself, and get out
> Then she started sending me direct threats: accusing me of stealing, saying she’d go to my elderly parents’ house to “tell them what I’m like,” and threatening to call the police.
> He loses his temper, makes threats, hides sentimental items from me (the same way she used to with him as a child), and then flips into remorse. It’s a cycle that feels exactly like hers, just directed at me.
This is domestic abuse, which is more than physical abuse, and more than just abuse from a partner. And, from your description, it is getting worse. Those threats may escalate into actual violence. You may be thinking, well, it’s not that bad, but that’s a common feeling of abuse victims.
Domestic Abuse from the UK government. It describes the various kinds of domestic abuse and provides helplines for the UK, as well as for England, Scotland, Wales and NI. Even if you aren’t sure if you situation qualifies, I urge you to call. They won’t pooh-pooh your concerns; they will take you seriously.
You already are MiL’s next victim – save yoursel before you become your husband’s too and no one is left to fight your corner. And FFS don’t have children with this man-child.
Get out now
You’re at a crossroads here. You realize what the future looks like. Choose yourself.
You are her next victim and you are your partner’s victim also. He’s just like her. This won’t end well for you. Start taking anything important out now and make a plan to get yourself anywhere else.
Leave. You have to know at this point it won’t get better. They’re both ramping up and it’ll only get worse. He is learning from her. He’s spent his whole life learning from her. It never ever gets better from this point. The only thing you can do is protect yourself and you cannot do that when these people see you daily. Leave.
If you truly want this to last, therapy. Intensive, weekly (daily?) therapy. He will continue to behave in the example he has seen and believes is normal.
If you don’t want to wait for therapy to help, leave. Without therapy he will NOT change.
It’s not you. It’s him.
MIL’s victim? No you are signing up the be hubby’s victim. You have a husband problem. You can cut MIL out of your life and have a successful marriage, if you had a good partner. Your partner is as bad as his mom and you deserve better than that. No one is stuck when it comes to there spouse. You should always have your spouses back. He doesn’t and you have to put you first. When MIL make suicidal threats that’s when you call the ambulance to do a welfare check. Let them know she has threatened to harm herself. That will put an end to that f***ery real quick. Pushing you to meet with your abuser is abuse. Leave these people alone and go and find your person. Hubby is not it.
Why do you say you are signing up to be MIL’s next long-term victim as if there is no opting out from this totally unhealthy relationship? Is it about money? Is he wealthy and you leaving him would mean huge change in your comfort of life? If it is so, I assure you that your dignity is more important than that.
I couldn’t live like that. Couldn’t tolerate being treated like that. Even if I would be drowning in diamonds and luxury. We are talking here about a lifetime of being treated awfully. If you are planning to have children, it would get even worse. Just run, protect yourself.
When we grow up, we consider our family “normal.” Your partner learned how to be family from his mom when he was a child. It would take strong intention and hard work on his side to change this dynamic.
Please, don’t have any children until he has done the work. Also, being financially independent and having an exit plan might be wise.
I know you love him, but love yourself more. Is this the future home you want for your future children?
Honestly, if anyone threatened to hit me would get reported to the police. Can you get evidence of these texts?
Anyone who even thinks to disturb my parents over bulls**t like this is instantly removed from my life. I don’t care how much I love them, you don’t treat people I love like that.
Your husband has not once stood up for you or supported you. Even in private it seems. Please consider leaving him because he does not love you
“He loses his temper, makes threats, hides sentimental items from me” is something that needs to take him to a personal counselor, and the pair of you to a couples counselor to see if the partnership can be continued. You don’t deserve this kind of treatment, and your home is not your ‘safe space’.
Nope. There is no hope.
Sorry
He needs long term counseling so don’t expect it to be a quick fix.
You have 2 choices; stay and accept the situation the way it is or walk away.
If your daughter was in the same situation, how would you advise her?
Unfortunately it sounds like you’re stuck with her and supporting her until she passes. Which could be a long time, evil lives longer. If you all live together you share finances to an extent even if you have separate accounts. Are you ok with indefinitely supporting a luxurious lifestyle for a woman who openly threatens you??? Unless he goes to serious therapy you might not be done even when shes gone, if he’s turning into a mini her.
My advice is cut your losses and run, Sis. This isn’t what you want to be stuck with FOR LIFE. He will never cut her off, and it not fair to you to be asked to live this way.
Run. Find an even more handsome man with a healthy relationship with his mother, that sets boundaries like nobody’s business!!
Kill that hope. He’s showing you extreme red flags
There is zero hope and you know it. Just read your post. It would sound crazy if you read that about anyone else. Run, but be safe. Make a plan. Get all finances separated. New passwords. Get some friends, the more muscular the better, to move you out in one quick move. Leave nothing behind.
You love him? You won’t for much longer. Get out now before you end up in the hospital or in financial ruin.
He needs therapy. DH addressing his issues would solve this problem.
Bruh, you’re signing up to be your partner’s longterm victim. Why are you worried about the MIL when your partner, the one you will actually be spending your life with, acts the same way? Tbh, I read the “he gives her 3000 allowance every month” bit and my body was like, “Run.”
There are a lot of people on this sub who only found out their MIL (and SO)’s behavior AFTER they already got locked in to marriage. We support each other on how to survive because we have to, but girl- if you’re not locked in, then ask yourself if you want to deal with this FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Because we’re all here because men don’t let go of their mothers very well (to put it more clearly- your situation very well may not change. Forever.)
So, yeah my number one advice is to run. My second level of advice is to set and enforce boundaries with your partner, “I will not be interacting with your mother until she apologizes for threatening me. If you bring this topic up again without change, I’m going to spend the weekend at my friend’s house.” …But I really don’t know if I’d go through all that stress for someone I’m not married to. I’ve ghosted best friends for less.
Dump this dude
OP, if you have to compel him to choose between you and his mother, he’s already chosen. Even if he decides to support you, he’ll resent you for making him do it. He’ll never change because his mama’s tears will tear him apart.
Ask yourself if you would have willingly signed up for this abuse and if the answer is “no”, you should explore your options. He’s not the man you thought he was.
Husband might benefit from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Also check out this resource I learned about on Reddit: outofthefog.net. You will find your MIL there somewhere, and some support resources for you. Good luck.
He’s learned how to abuse at her knee.
Girl run. No man is worth this.
Love him from afar, with your sanity and self respect in tact.
I’m really concerned about what you’re going through. . Your partner’s behavior isn’t okay, and it’s not your fault. It seems to be a cycle of abuse and blaming you and forcing you to meet someone who is a threat is not only wrong, it’s also dangerous. I’m not sure which country you’re in but there are helplines that can help you. They can provide support and help you work out what to do next. Please consider reaching out to them.
He is abusive to you, she is abusive to you.
This isn’t going to work, you are getting pummeled and clobbered by both of them.
RUN. Get out. Find a dynamic that isn’t abusive. You are in so deep I hope you realize how harmful this really is to you. 🫶🏻