Throwaway account – this is quite personal. Thank you in advance for reading and providing insight, I’m at a loss here.
I’m at my breaking point with my MIL (and SIL), and I honestly feel like I’m being gaslit by my own husband. We have two young kids (both under 6), and for years his mom has disrespected every boundary I’ve tried to set.
Some examples:
- During COVID (our first was born at the start of the pandemic), we asked visitors to wear masks. She agreed — then walked in, took hers off, and laughed in my face when I asked her to put it back on.
- We asked for no toys at our child’s first birthday. Every family member respected this — except MIL. My husband said it “wasn’t a big deal,” but I felt it was disrespectful, especially to my family, who followed our request.
- She once grabbed my daughter by the back of her shirt at a restaurant and snapped at her to be quiet — even though she wasn’t being disruptive. When I told my husband, he said “that didn’t happen.”
- She chooses not to attend birthdays, recitals, and performances, saying “there’s nothing for her to do,” but still complains that our kids are closer to my family — who actually show up.
- She expects a full meal even for a short visit, complains we don’t have the drinks she likes, and says I’m rude for not greeting her at the door. Meanwhile, she’s never asked me a single question about myself (my job, my interests — nothing).
- Her celiac disease seems to appear and disappear based on convenience — sometimes she’s gluten-free, sometimes not.
- Every outing is planned by her or SIL without input. I skipped bowling this weekend because I’m tired of parenting alone while my kids are ignored.
And now — I found large bruises on my daughter’s shins. When I asked, she said it happened while playing on the couch with MIL, who was swinging her legs and bumped her into the table. I was never told. MIL didn’t say anything to me — or to my husband, who was there. My daughter seemed nervous even telling me, and I can’t help but wonder if MIL told her not to say anything.
When I told my husband, he showed zero concern. He said he needed “to see it for himself” and told me “If you think it’s abuse, call CPS — I’m not talking to my mom.”
He later asked our daughter himself, which I don’t think was fair — she should feel safe telling me things like this without pressure. She gave him a slightly different story: that she was on the floor and MIL picked her up, bumping her legs in the process. Still — no one told me, and my child is bruised.
My husband constantly minimizes everything. Says “She’s just different” or “You’re crazy.”
One time, MIL claimed she texted me and I didn’t reply. She never texted me. Instead of asking me, he accused me of ignoring her — and only dropped it when I showed him my phone. He never asked to see hers.
I’ve tried. I made her a Mother’s Day book. I’ve invited her and SIL to events. I’ve gone out of my way to be inclusive. But it’s never enough. They don’t actually want a relationship — they just want access on their terms, with no boundaries and no respect.
How do you forgive someone who never stops? Who never apologizes? Why am I the only one protecting our kids?
Am I overreacting? Please be honest — I’m starting to feel like I’m going crazy. But two large bruises on each shin from “playing” with Grandma seems like something that could’ve been easily prevented. At the very least, I should’ve been told. But I wasn’t — and my husband won’t even address it.
Comments
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You have a major husband problem. First, he is choosing his mother over you and his children repeatedly. You are his family now not her, not his sister. You and his children are his family. He made vows to you. He promised to love, honor, protect YOU not his mother. You are his partner in life and his children are, well, his children! But yet from your post he has time and again chosen to side with his mother and sister over you or his children.
Next, when you have set boundaries they have not been accompanied by consequences mostly because you do not have the backing of your husband. Without the backing of your husband and consequences you’re merely making a wish for your in laws to follow your boundaries.
Unless your husband gets on board and begins to realize that he long ago made the choice to build a life with you and he’d better begin to act like it or else there’s a big d-word in his future and he begins to set, and enforce strict and healthy boundaries beginning yesterday nothing is ever going to change. You aren’t overreacting, you’re way under reacting which I suspect you know. Anyone else in your shoes would have packed a bag by now and served him with divorce papers long ago.
You don’t forgive. You protect your children from abusers. Including those who facilitate or dismiss abuse.
This is a husband problem tbh. He doesn’t respect you, but respects her to the level that you appear to not matter.
Your child has an injury while in Grandmas care. What more do you need?
Your husband is the real problem. Based on how you describe his behavior, you are not an equal partner in this relationship. You are an incubator, a nanny, and a servant. His mother is the ruler, and he serves her.
Unfortunately if you leave, he is likely to get 50-50 custody, with her getting unlimited access during his time.
Why are you still married and seeing that woman?
Time to get a divorce lawyer and put in the agreement that mil is not to be around child. Document the marks go to the pediatrician and get it documented.
Be a mama bear. In situations like these you gotta be the bigger dog. You tell your husband how its gonna be and if he doesn’t like it he knows where the door is. You stop playing nice with MIL. You set the boundaries and she gets 0 access to child going forward.
Homie don’t play that vibes going forward.
Stop trying.
If she asks for a meal tell her she’s welcome to cook herself. Personally I would leave to another room and keep occupied during any visits. I don’t care if I’m accused of being rude husband can take over all the emotional labour of her visits including greeting her at the door.
When she complains about your children being closer to your side say that’s a shame isn’t it, shut it down.
Keep refusing any plans that don’t work for you.
If she ever touches your child in front of you go full mumma bear. Husband is never going to prioritise you or the kids, he’s decided his mother is the head of his household.