I’m a first time mom, my due date is in 8 days and MIL is stressing me out
We have previously told her we don’t want visitors at the hospital, and will not have any visitors at home until I’m ready. We told everyone to expect to wait a week, maybe two.
Everyone except MIL have been very understanding, she has tried several times to change our minds about letting her visit in the hospital after delivery. A few weeks ago she was alone with FH and tried to change his mind. She told him we were “taking an important experience away from her as a grandma” by not letting her meet baby at the hospital, like she has a right to be there and I think she makes it sound like her grandma experience matters more than my experience and me being comfortable as a first time mom. She tried to convince him to let her meet baby at the hospital “just for a quick 5 minute visit”.
I think it will be unfair to everyone else to let her come, and she’s honestly the last person I want to see when I’m vulnerable after giving birth. And it pisses me off and seems very disrespectful to me that she tries to convince FH to let her come after both I and FH previously told her no.
Fortunately FH told her no.
She also told FH that it will break her heart if my mom gets to visit in the hospital and she doesn’t. We never told her my mom will come (which she will not, unless I need her support after delivery). FH told MIL that the plan is for no one to come, unless “OP needs her mom to be there for HER after delivery”. He explained to her that it wouldn’t be about meeting baby but would be about my mom supporting me while I’m vulnerable. MIL basically told him it would be unfair and cruel, and I shouldn’t be able to have my mom come unless we let her come meet baby as well…
It’s like she only sees her own needs and wants to punish me for not letting her come. Like she sees the birth of our first child as a competition between her and my mom. And like she wants control of everything.
What happened today:
MIL visited us today and told us she has accepted that we don’t want visitors at the hospital etc. but she has a few demands for us.
- We need to tell her as soon as I go into labor
- We have to call/text her immediately after baby arrives and also tell her all his info (weight, etc.)
- She expects us to send at least 4 pictures and a video of baby every single day until she meets him.
She told me she previously mentioned these demands to FH and he accepted them. I said out loud that no one told me any of this, and I’m not accepting any demands from anyone. FH looked confused and immediately said that he never agreed to anything and these demands were news to him. MIL kept saying that this is how it’s going to be or she will show up at the hospital.
FH and I told her no and we’re informing the hospital staff that we don’t want anyone there, so it will be a waste of her time to attempt to visit us at the hospital. She said that no one can keep her away if she’s determined, that she knows her ways and will definitely come if we don’t follow her demands. That she will even go as far as to order a white coat and try to sneak past hospital staff.
I told her our plan is to announce baby’s arrival, but we’re not telling anyone when I go into labor as that will be too stressful for me. FH added that he won’t tell her anything and will put his phone on do not disturb.
And I told her we plan to send a few pictures, but not a specific amount and it will be sent in a family group chat so everyone receives the same info and pictures so no one is left out. She got quiet after that and left soon after.
After she left I told FH I was worried, he told me she was clearly joking and won’t show up. Even if she’s joking, it makes me angry and worried after everything she’s previously done to boundary stomp.
I was definitely being too nice to her today, and explaining myself too much, I’m trying to keep the peace for FH. It would hurt him a lot if a conflict happens at this point in time, when he’s so excited to show off our baby and share this new journey with his family, I’m just frustrated over her entitlement and selfishness, and I’m worried about how it will be when baby gets here. I expect things to get worse and I just feel so done with her.
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Pediatrician here. Let the nurses know as soon as you go to hospital that she IS NOT to be admitted to the ward and give them her pic. They will have her name and pic at front desk of ward and even hospital if you want and will NOT let her through. We take this very seriously.
Tell her to piss off. Tell your dr’s and nurses that she isn’t allowed in your room or around your child. Tell her that this is YOUR CHILD and she will obey YOUR RULES.
She sounds unhinged. I would definitely let hospital staff know about her threats and lock that down.
I do believe if she shows up with a white Amazon level coat and tries to sneak onto the L&D Ward- she will be arrested.
Tell everyone she is not allowed there- show her photo- nurses are like Vikings when you give birth.
Start extending your response time to her. Let her messages sit for a few hours, then reply. Otherwise, as soon as she doesn’t hear from you she’ll assume you’re in the hospital and will ramp up her crazy.
I can’t even understand why there are any demands? What the hell is wrong with them. Listen, all you need to do is have a safe healthy delivery and a peaceful recovery. This is your experience. It’s your baby and your life. She had her moments. Please please figure out how he can share this journey without upsetting you. Good luck! Many blessings!
*We need to tell her as soon as I go into labor
We have to call/text her immediately after baby arrives and also tell her all his info (weight, etc.)
She expects us to send at least 4 pictures and a video of baby every single day until she meets him.*
Exactly where does she think she has any leverage to enforce this? This is non-negotiable. You’re going through a major medical event, it’s not a spectator sport.
MIL is delusional, and I’d be seriously thinking about telling her that you make the rules, and if she can’t respect that, then she gets a time out. Your DH needs to be prepared to hold a hard line with her, or she’s going to trample right down the middle of everything. She gets what you are comfortable with, or she gets nothing, those are her options.
Your hospital should be able to check you in privately, and lock down your information so that no information is released. They can also set up a visitor list for you, and if she’s not on the list, she gets zero info, & no access.
You can also add that you are the only person able to make changes to your plan, and tell her this, so that she knows that bullying DH won’t do her any good. Not that she’ll believe you, but the nurses won’t care.
just wait until baby arrives. your MIL is going to be an absolute nightmare. You and FH need to be prepared. boundaries and consequences.
Im sure you enjoyed hearing all the demands MIL has for your baby. Be prepared go go NC if MIL tries to ruin your new born experience, because MIl will if you let her,
Tell her every boundary she stomps will be longer before she meets LO. She’s telling you she’s going to get what she wants. This is unhinged. She’s going to become ”grandma I never met” at this rate.
I’d suggest making sure she doesn’t have access to your home and have cameras ready in case she tries to pop by. She’s going to be a handful and at this rate I think I’d go stay at your parents house post birth because she’s going to use both hands to shove you into postpartum depression.
You need to start right now not answering anything she sends and dont return her calls until a day or to later, or once she sees that he has his phone off she is going to show up at the hospital.
Go ahead and let her heart get broken. Let her cry. Send only the same pics that everyone else get- make it clear that there is a group and she is in it with everyone else. There is no such thing as extra privileges for demanding folks.
My L&D ward had a locked entrance with a manned desk letting people in (or not). You’d go up to the window and say who you were there to see, and they would call back to the room to see if you wanted visitors. IDK what your hospital is like but if it’s like mine there is no way your MIL can sneak past. I’m assuming there is at least a locked door between you and her.
I’d have your husband tell his mother that if she shows up and is actually able to sneak in to your room she will be removed both from the hospital and your lives before she can even catch a glimpse.
Ignore the demands and tell your nurses as well as reception (if there is one) what’s going on.
She’s nuttier than a fruit cake if she’s saying going to impersonate a doctor to force herself into L&D.
Do not tell her when you’re in labor. Register private so you aren’t in the directory, so if she calls they are legally supposed to tell her “There is no patient registered here by that name”. Tell the staff you are to have no visitors and mention her specifically. Give them her picture and tell them she’s already said she wants to sneak in.
If MIL is saying she “has her ways” because she somehow knows someone at the hospital or your doctor/nurses or something, then lock that down. Tell them that MIL is to get no info. They’re supposed to follow patient privacy laws so no one should be telling her they see you’re there.
Do not negotiate with emotional terrorists. Every time she acts up and makes demands, calls and texts constantly, etc…. Add to the length of time until she meets baby.
Don’t tell her when you’re heading home because she will be at your house waiting. If she has a key or code to your house, change them. Keep your doors locked and don’t answer if she shows up uninvited. Get cameras.
I think your DH needs to tell her (after you’ve given birth and have had some time) that neither of you will be giving in to any of her demands and that if she wants a relationship with her grandchild she needs to settle down, back off, and realize you’re the parents and make the rules. If she can’t get on board with that then that’s her loss.
The fact that she thinks she can steamroll over your wishes with her ridiculous demands while you guys are trying to bond as a family would make me adamant about keeping her away longer.
You two are grown adults with a child on the way. Nobody else desires, wishes or wants matter at all, and ESPECIALLY when you give birth. She can either deal with that, or suffer the consequences. She is fighting for control when she has none, and making threats about sneaking in is only going to end bad for her. If she refuses boundaries now, how can you feel safe with her around your child knowing she will try to push until she gets what she wants? I wouldn’t be giving her that chance until she understands and accepts what the consequences will be for not listening.
Tell her that I you see her at the hospital, you won’t let her meet baby for 30 days.
After that stunt I’d make her wait a month to meet the baby. She needs to know, immediately, that if she FA she will FO. Your husband needs to make it crystal clear that her demands won’t be met.
Oh, she’s gonna be a HUGE problem going forward. She’s gonna need many many consequences for the inevitable boundaries that se will stomp.
I feel like at this point it would be reasonable to tell her that she made you both so uncomfortable that you are not sure when she will be allowed to meet the baby. And then sit on it until you’re ready to deal with her, even if that takes months.
I suspect your fears are very valid, and I doubt your MIL was actually joking. It came off like pure intimidation tactics to me. My advice is to greatly limit the info you give her and listen to her spout off her demands and then ignore them.
“MIL, every time you attempt to circumvent our rules, we will add a week to your wait. If you try to sneak into the room at the hospital, we will call security and let them deal with you, and we will fully cooperate with any investigation that follows. Do not try to push us on this.”
DH should probably sit down with his mom and tell her to her face that her actions surrounding the delivery are unhinged and give a very clear warning that if she does not start respecting you and he as parents and adults, she will push you and baby away (and him, but that is his call to say.) Your narrative does not make it sound like she was joking, it sounds like she was trying to threaten you, like ‘I’ll do anything to get my way.’
Yes, it is a threat.
She doesn’t get to make demands, and the fact that she tried is a problem for your SO and you.
It does not matter how much her feelings are hurt by it, or what her intentions are. She is not being supportive, and she is not being respectful. He wants her to have a good relationship with his child but she won’t have a place at the table if she doesn’t stop to listen to both of you.
And if she does try to show up, she will not be welcome in your house for the foreseeable future and no apology will make it right.
Maybe the pre-emptive warning will wake her up, but it will also serve as a good exercise to gear your DH up, as I suspect her determination to control raising the baby comes next.
Have the hospital register you under a fake name and let them know you absolutely do not want any visitors. Then don’t give it another thought. Those obstetrics folks are like bulldogs when it comes to protecting mommas. Good luck with your delivery.
Don’t tell her anything that you aren’t ready to tell everyone else. She will show up. She will take any pics and info you give about baby or being in labor and blast it out to the entire world. She will post a play by play on social media of your progress and then announce your baby’s arrival. My ex-ILs who do not acknowledge me ever on social media still take pics I post of my kids and repost them on their pages 🥴
Time to get tough, OP.
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A grandma here….don’t you dare cave into her demands. Tell the hospital she is NOT WELCOME. If she shows up at the hospital…you tell your husband if he wants to see his child born and get laid ever again he will escort his mother out with a “see you in a month” speech.
YOU ARE THE PATIENT. YOU MAKE THE RULES. She doesn’t get a say at all. Don’t send her any pics. Her behavior ALREADY warrants no contact for a month.
MIL can wish in one hand and poop in the other. You two are the only ones who get the choice of which hand fills up first.
Well, it’s your birth not hers so she has to follow your rules, but it is normal to give the grandparents priority over the wider family. I don’t know how long you stay in hospital in your country, if it’s just a day then fair enough but if you’re in for a week, then it would be nice to have her be one of the first visitors. Or at least send your mom and hers the first photos (with instructions not to post them on Facebook!) before you make it public. That might satisfy her enough to not try and come to the hospital when you don’t feel up to it; whilst I have no doubt the nurses would manage to keep her out, you could really do without the stress it would bring the affected would have on family relations ongoing. Hope everything goes well and you get to relax with the little one.
Unless your MIL is taking care of a living thing in your home (pet, plant, other kids), she doesn’t need to know when you go into labour. I just gave birth recently with my fourth kid, and my MIL needed to know to watch my older kids.
Just for future reference, it would highly recommend that you wait to respond to her messages for a few hours. Not just for the birth but she attempts to give the words of her ideas about parenting.
I mean, I would make sure your info is password protected, and confirm no visitorsto the hospital staff when you get there… I feel like she needs to know because she has a plan. Also, I’d keep an eye out for her checking in at regular intervals as the time gets closer… so she can recognize when yours or his responses aren’t as fast…. in other words, if he usually responds to texts within an hour or two, him going 6 hours might be a sign you’re in labor. If so, start taking your time in responding, be unpredictable!
Maybe I have trust issues, but I’m a planner. Put extra precautions in place so you can relax the day of.
You need to start being a bitch to MIL. Mine is 100x milder than yours and she ruined my PP experience. Don’t let that happen to you.
We had similar with my MIL. She eventually said she’d ‘accepted’ our no guest rule but what ended up happening? She showed up at the hospital less than 24 hours after I’d had an emergency c section. Coaxed DH out of the room by telling him she ‘just had a gift’ for us. He goes to meet her outside the ward. The gift was a balloon she wanted as a prop for her first photo with the baby, and when DH reiterates that she can’t come in she starts screaming and crying saying she assumed we’d change our minds and that he should let her in seen as he can see how much pain we have caused her. Luckily DH stuck to his guns and did not let her through but I know she was fully relying on getting him in a moment of weakness when i wasn’t there to stick up for myself so she could come barging in.
Please stick to your guns, and make sure your partner knows how important it is he sticks by you too. You are about to be in the most vulnerable and emotionally intense moment of your life, you need to trust he will advocate for and support you above anything else. Don’t tell her when you’re in labour because I have no doubts this woman will just turn up and either try to ‘sneak in’ which is impossible on any good unit or she will try and get your partner to let his guard down and let her in. You don’t deserve the stress of that unfolding, even without my MIL getting into the ward, the stress and upset it caused practically ruined that first week postpartum for me. I was overjoyed to have my LO by my side but every day MIL had to wait to meet the baby was another day of her sending abusive messages to DH and me fearing she would turn up again and somehow manage to get in. I was so anxious the whole time and really angry she didn’t respect me when I was so physically unwell and vulnerable.
I honestly think your MIL has shown she can’t be trusted with some of that info. Don’t tell her when you go into labour, hold off on announcing babies birth until your home. And when you are home if you hear someone knocking on the door do not open it. If she won’t respect you in this precious time then she isn’t entitled to you explaining your boundaries over and over again. If she harasses you on the phone mute her/ block her until YOU are ready to face her. Do not let her ruin this magical time for you OP.
And lastly, if you give birth and decide you need or want your own mum there FUCK mil and how that will make her feel. It’s not about her feelings it’s about yours. You deserve to have whoever you want there, MIL doesn’t have any entitlement to be in that room. One thing I really regret is that I didn’t have my mum with me after my surgery. All I wanted was her reassurance as she had also had to have an emergency c section with my brother. But I insisted on not having her there because I didn’t want to be ‘unfair’ on MIL. I’m so upset that I valued MIL’s feelings above my own in what was such a scary time for me, all for her to throw it in my face and be cruel and scheming against me as soon as the baby was born.
Sorry for the long reply OP but this really hit home for me, I wish you a safe and beautiful birthing experience, please put your health and happiness above all else!
She would be waiting 18 years to meet baby if I were you
Please inform L&D nurses and the security desk about not having visitors, specifically her. I had to block my mother at the hospital and they were incredible about it. My mother called when I was 2 hours after a c-section trying to get information. Thankfully the nurse knew it was a red flag because cell phones exist. The security desk called me and I approved every person that came to visit. They are so understanding and I promise it won’t be weird to them. Protect your peace.
And don’t give it another thought that it might be ‘cruel’ for you to have your mom there. What a stupid ting you say. She is truly making her bed of isolation and perhaps not seeing her grandchild and is coming off as unhinged. It’s not a freakin competition. Good on you for picking a fab hubby who has your back -together you two will figure it out. Now don’t give her another thought and enjoy your last days of this wonderful time!!!
You/FH can let the staff know to not allow anyone back to you or in your room. They will keep a list of who is okay/approved I think.
Oh, good grief. I am a new grandma, my daughter just gave birth on July 22, NOBODY came into the delivery room that my daughter and her husband weren’t 100% comfortable with. They called the shots on who, when and where. Anything they said, we were fine with. I already had my babies years ago; why would I push my ideas on them??
Anybody who would make these kind of selfish demands on you at this time is sick in the head. I would cut all contact,at least until you are good and ready to deal with them ( might be a few months, if ever). If you send photos, fine, but don’t knuckle under to the ridiculous schedule of so many a day. Like, what?? You’d think this person never cared for a newborn before…🙄
Be very clear to your husband how things are going to be. Don’t ask him, tell him. Remember you are a mother now just like all these pushy mothers and what you say, goes.
Remember what you do now sets a precedent for everything going forward with the grandchild(ren).
Good luck,and congratulations on the little one!!
I’m so mad that she is causing extra stress for you. This is supposed to be a happy time! I hope hospital staff and your FH do what needs to be done.
Best wishes for a safe delivery!
She’s not joking, she’s a fu$&ing lunatic and she’s willing to impersonate a doctor and try to sneak in your room. She gets to make zero demands, and I’d tell her that immediately to her face.
Mil doesn’t get to make demands. The more she keeps this shit up, the longer she will be waiting to meet the baby. This is not about her in any way shape or form.
A woman like this that is making demands and threats about your birth will not only stop at the birth. It’s time for you guys to go no contact with her for at least a few months. She needs to see that she is no longer “the boss” per se and the dynamic is switching. She is sounding unhinged saying she has her ways of getting into your hospital room without your consent. It’s giving baby kidnapper.
I know it’s probably frowned upon, but I’d want to have a water gun or squirt bottle to spray her with if she tried to come in.
I’d inform her that given her stance,it’s best she not be told baby is born until you’re home from the hospital. When she loses her shit, shrug and tell her that it’s a consequence of her own behavior. She made it clear that she has no intention of respecting perfectly reasonable boundaries, by flat out saying it to your face that she didn’t care what you wanted, she would do what SHE wanted.
I’d frame it as not giving her any rope to hang herself. Steamrolling and disregarding your birth plan would do irreparable damage to any relationship she had with you and baby going forward, so it’s best she just not know.
Your decision as parents is not up for debate, negotiation or even discussion. You are not asking her, you are TELLING her, so there’s nothing to talk about, she doesn’t get a vote and her opinion is irrelevant. It’s sends a clear message:
A clear line has been drawn in the sand, and FAFO if you dare.
First tell DH she 200% is not joking. She very much thinks this is reasonable and how things will go. But most importantly MIL DOES NOT get to make demands. Full stop. She has no say. Her feelings and wants don’t matter in this situation. She needs to learn her place now, it will be better for everyone in the long run.
DO NOT tell her when you go into labor. She will blow your phones up and ruin the experience. Your DH will be distracted by trying to deal with her, rather than being present with you. Tell her after. Will she be mad? Of course. But it will be to late for her to ruin anything so who cares.
Don’t share any info until you’re ready. And as far as daily update. Abso-fucking-lutely not. If DH wants to send her pic and vids let him knock himself out. It’s not your job, and not a precedent you want to set.
I mean it Mama, this is your hill to die on. Don’t let her ruin your birth, you can never get it back. It’s time for DH to practice being Big Daddy and keep you safe and at peace. His mother will adjust and survive. She will throw a fit for a whole but eventually she will realize there is a new boss in town (You), and fall in line of she wants to be included.
Also for good measure tell the nurses NO visitors. I wouldn’t be surprised if she tries to force her way in anyway. She thinks if she’s already up there you won’t say no.
Do this now. Get over the initial awkwardness of having to teach another adult how to behave around you, it gets much easier the more you do it.
Advice: next time she asks or “demands” anything your only answer is “No.” No discussion. No explanation. “No.”
And life can be unfair, cruel even if she wants to call it that, and sometimes that’s going to happen. She will have to figure out how to deal with her own emotions because that is not your job. Or she can die mad about it.
Practice saying no. You’ll have to do it a lot now with a kid. Especially the first several months. You don’t owe anyone anything related to your child. Remember that.
It’s situations like this when I wish I was a L&D nurse. I’d love nothing more than to kick out these vile women!
Advise security at the hospital, set up a code word with the nurses and doctors, and admin. make sure she is on the do not contact list!!!! Tell her you can and will have her kicked out of the hospital if she continues to act like a spoiled teenager.
Prepare for her victim narrative about grandparents’ rights when you haven’t even had a chance to bond with the baby.
In fact, threaten a restraining order if you have too. Please get cameras installed and / or door camera’s.
Send out a preemptive social media if you have to her friends and family asking for healing and bonding time with YOUR baby. MIL is not the main character in this story. Shame her in public if you must.
Parents’ bonding time trumps grandparents’ rights. Most grandparents just want a picture for social media anyway. She sounds like she will continue to break boundaries and use a victim narrative.
Totally disrespecting you and her son as parents.
Or simply Grey rock her, no info, and wait for the narcissistic DARVO response and act accordingly.
DH must put you and baby’s needs first.
“You say I’m taking away from your ‘grandma experience’ like you’re entitled to have things go the way you want. You aren’t entitled to anything. It’s not my responsibility to manage or meet your expectations, especially not at the expense of mine. You had your turn as a parent, now it’s our turn. You can either be supportive and respectful and be a relationship we hold close and dear, or you can be selfish and manipulative, and be a person we need to keep a safe distance from. Choose wisely”
Threatening to impersonate a doctor in order to get into your hospital room is genuinely unhinged behavior. Please give the hospital staff a photo of her, tell them what she’s threatened to do, and make sure they know not to let her anywhere near L&D.
What is she, the Pink Panther? Ma’am there’s barcodes at shit now.
F her.
In my opinion her blatant ridiculous and entitled behavior of asking/demanding to be in the delivery room multiple times, multiple attempts at manipulation and guilt tripping, making this all about her, and then coming over to your house to make further demands needs a much bigger consequence than just saying no to her demands.
In my opinion she needs a very large timeout, a serious consequence for her current behavior before this escalates farther. If you let her see your child when you let everyone else see your child, you are REWARDING her bad behavior. Let me explain – everyone else has accepted your boundaries without complaint and can be counted on to support you while you are vulnerable. She has not done that. So everyone else gets to see the baby on your original timeline (dependent upon your recovery) and she doesn’t.
If it were me the consequence for her bullshit (and her very long past history of bullshit) would earn her a timeout of at least three months. And even then, I suggest you maintain VLC, agree with DH on all boundaries BEFORE she is allowed to visit, DH has to facilitate all communication, DH has to be physically present in the room when she visits, DH has to enforce all boundaries, and the second she oversteps she’s back in a timeout. This is the kind of JNMIL who will go for grandparents rights. Do not bend. Do not let her into your lives when you will be at your most vulnerable. Protect yourself and your little family.
Actions, her actions, have consequences.
Edit: typo
I understand it can be difficult to adjust expectations of what you thought an event would be like for you, but presumably she’s had at least 40 years to work on managing her expectations.
For the love of the gods, my mother didn’t have to deal with this when she had me in the 1980’s– why are ppl like this nowadays??
She needs to meet the baby after everyone else as punishment. Or not at all. That bitch is crazy.
She definitely thinks she will be there. But I don’t think she has any idea what security is like on an L&D unit now.
Make sure your husband establishes a pattern of not responding to her texts right away, starting now. She’s about to go on crotch watch, and her first sign will be if he doesn’t answer as quickly as usual.
If she brings it up again, id tell her now she has to wait 3 weeks to see the baby, and everytime she makes a demand about your birthing experience, you will add another week delay in her meeting the baby. If she shows up at the hospital and tries to force her way into the room, she won’t see the baby for a longer length of time like 4 to 6 months.
This lunatic sounds exactly like my own mother, down to doing shit like threatening to impersonate a doctor, and I knew she would absolutely pull this kind of crap. She has impersonated me before to gain access to different information or mess with my plans and stuff. It is not a joke. Your MIL is not kidding. This is not a drill. Some of these lunatics are really about that life. Which is why I literally never even told my mother I was pregnant — she found out by physically stalking me when I was like 8 months pregnant and couldn’t really hide it (she lived in the same town — that is in and of itself a crazy story that I think I’ve posted here in the past, but I digress). This was 2 years ago. I then went NC. I’m having another baby by planned c-section soon and we haven’t announced anything publicly about this pregnancy either. We are in a completely different state and I don’t think she could even realistically travel here. But idc. I’m just simply not willing to deal with these batshit antics. Your FH needs to grasp that his mother is not kidding and you need to lock your shit down at the hospital. Passwords, lists of people who are disallowed, all of it. They will have all kinds of security measures you can use. And a white coat should thankfully not be enough to get her into the L&D ward. But yeah, lock it down.
FH should counter with the new terms:
At this rate, you may not see MIL for months!!
Give the hospital the rundown and her picture, specifically mention that she threatened to impersonate a doctor. Do it yourself and don’t delegate to your husband. That way you know everything is locked down.
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/RbvB6h9iPY
A MIL did this once. And she got arrested because the hospital thought she was part of a baby stealing ring. The hospital made a big deal out of it.
I think you should call up the hospital and tell them, now this is important DO NOT MENTION YOUR MIL, that someone is planning to crash your birth and have informed you that they are willing to impersonate medical staff to access your baby, with no understanding of their intentions and plans (this isn’t entirely a lie because you don’t know what she wants to do with your baby). They will obviously take that very very seriously because it is a huge breach of security, especially since maternity wards can be historically prone to weirdos committing kidnapping.
Do not allow your partner to write this off. A MIL has done this and if she says she is willing, take her at her word. INFORM THE HOSPITAL!!! By not specifying she’s your MIL, they can’t write this off as family drama. They can consider this a threat against your baby’s safety. And you bet that they do not want to get sued.
Edited to add the link for the update of that og post, in case you’re interested: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/8dSUBdJS0z
If y’all have any apps where she can see your location, turn them off/unfriend her/delete said app.
Your partner likely doesn’t want to believe his mom is that selfish and shady to attempt to break into your delivery room. That’s why he said she’s joking. She’s not joking.
Most hospitals will let you register as private and ask you if they are allowed to tell anyone you are there or what room you’re in. Make sure you say no. Give your nurses a picture of MIL so she can be bounced if she does try to show up.
We look back on our first few days alone as a family so fondly. It’s such a special time. Don’t let her bully her way in.
In my opinion her behavior should make her the last person to find out the baby is born. Actions have consequences and stressing out a pregnant woman right before delivery should have BIG consequences.
MIL needs to be told that she doesn’t get to demand anything around your medical event. Don’t notify her about anything. Turn your phones off.
Talk to your L and D unit. Take a tour. Ask questions about visitors. My hospital had a locked maternity floor. You had to be buzzed in by the old dragon at the desk, who asked the patient if they wanted visitors (lady legit scared me). It didn’t matter if it was L/D or Mother/Baby you had to be buzzed in.
Now, where my DIL delivered had much easier access. with few challenges. So, clarify their practice. Register as private so they can’t give out information if she calls. Tell the nurses, security, and everyone. Tell her if she tries to breach the unit, she won’t meet baby until they are 6 mo old. There have to be consequences for her behavior. Boundaries without consequences are merely suggestions.
Dude, get your husband into therapy so he will discover how cuckoo his mother is. Don’t ever leave your child alone with her. Anytime you are around her, baby wear. Best of luck
Oh my word Op. I am so sorry for what you and your DH have to put up with. From announcing your engagement to this scenario. It’s truly a nightmare with her interference.
She is seriously deranged and why can’t she take on board that stressing you out like this has consequences for your having your baby. Can no one get through to her at all?
Try as best you can to ignore her. Enlist your own mum if she is a mama bear to tell her to leave you and dh in peace, that she will hear about baby and you at the same time she does and to let you two get on with it (just like they did when having you two) and for you two to announce baby’s arrival yourselves (just like they did). Get the backing of your Fil to do same. Any aunties out there? Get them to do the same. Maybe one of them will get through to her. Meanwhile you and dh – put your phones on mute and relax. I really hope all goes well for you. All the best.
As a mother 8 months pp with baby 2 shut that lady all the way down now rather than 4+ years down the line and she still believes she has any space to make any demands or strongly suggest her son and I do anything.
She’s now made it clear her top priority is herself meaning not only will she not respect you but she won’t respect that this child you’re gestating also won’t be respected or cared for in a way the child needs or how you’ve requested. Information diet from here until forever.
She gets nothing. No leeway ever again because she’ll keep showing up and telling you both how to live your lives to accommodate her great deal of shortcomings.
You’re the mama. You’ve made up your mind and whether your husband is on board you and baby are most important. If she happens to get more upset because you’ve put you and baby first she’s only forcing more distance.
You got this mama
This lady is going to be an entitled boundary stomping nightmare for many more years to come. Prepare yourself.
I would tell her for every boundary that she crosses, 3 days will get added to the length of time before she gets to meet the baby.
That the fucking mailman will meet the baby before she does if she doesn’t calm the hell down.
Take a picture of her with you and show all the staff in labor and delivery that she is NOT allowed any where near you and your room! Also block her from the hospital phone as well!
Our kids rule were NO visits with anyone for the first 3 months and when finally allowed to visit you have to be vaccinated for RSV, flu, and Covid. No kissing the baby and stay out of his face. Wash your hands right away. If you have been sick or are feeling like you are coming down with something you’re out for 2 weeks. I flew back from Ca to become my grandsons babysitter and I wore a mask for first few days to make sure I didn’t bring anything home. Tell your MIL that you are lucky that you aren’t going by these rules. We are in Tx and as you know we have measles here so the pediatrician is being extra cautious.
Good luck and here’s to you have an easy labor and delivery!
Nopety nope nope nope! After all this craziness with demands, she should get nothing.
Stress can stall labor, and the last thing you need is the stress of the me-me-me, I’m-the-grandma MIL. Start ignoring her calls and texts NOW, so she can just wonder if you’ve gone to the hospital or not. Casually have DH mention delivering at a different hospital.
Let your L&D staff know that under no circumstance should anyone be let in. Give them a picture of her.
Have a ring camera at home and hang a sign on your door that reads “Shhh! Do not knock or ring bell. Baby is sleeping”, because she sounds exactly like the kind of person who will show up at your home uninvited.
I’m wishing you the best PEACEFUL birth experience. Enjoy your new little love!
She’ll know as soon as your husband puts his phone on do not disturb that your labour had begun. Make other arrangements and have real consequences for when she stomps on your demands because it’s only the beginning
This woman is not joking. You know she wants all the name, weight etc info and photos because she is going to announce it before you do. You do not tell this woman shit when you go into labor and register as private at the hospital. You tell your DH to keep his mouth shut.. his mom is a loose cannon.
Oh, honey. Tell the nursing staff. They LOVE being bouncer to intrusive family. She’ll be out on her ass before she can even blink.
Happy delivering, and I’m so glad you and FH are on the same page.
Fuck her demands. I am an old woman and when we marry we are doing so as adults. What we do and who we allow or put out of our lives are our decisions as adults.
Shes insane. Do not tell anyone when you go into labor. Have your private, amazing experience and then announce when you feel like it. She absolutely plans on showing up unannounced. She told you so. Believe her.
Talk with FB about strict boundaries now. MIL is not only going to push on birth, but everything to do with the baby and how you do everything wrong while raising your child.
Tell FH that if she shows up at the hospital or oversteps any boundaries you do not want her to have any further contact with you or your child.
When you check in, tell the admins and nurses mil threatened to show up and impersonate a doctor or other medical staff to get in. Tell them you want her no where near you or your baby.
They will take this very seriously and will put security on alert.
Edited: you should also take a pic with you, preferably one that can be sent electronically to staff upon request, so that they can forward her pic to security.
What is “FH”
You both need to block her immediately. Do not contact her until after you are home from the hospital. Tell the nurses at the hospital she is not allowed to come and see you. If you wait until you go to the hospital to block her she will know you are there and will show up.
get her PNG’d from the hospital. she literally threatened to impersonate a doctor. she is mentally unwell.
OMG!! I’m so furious on your behalf!! Her behavior is waaay out of control imo. So much good advice here already! I don’t like what is either your husband’s a) ignorance of or b) complicity with his mother emotionally dysfunctioning all over you at such a significant and vulnerable moment for you personally. She sounds like no joke so why is he claiming she’s joking? And you said “It would hurt him a lot if a conflict happens at this point in time, when he’s so excited to show off our baby and share this new journey with his family”. You are the center of this experience. You. Making a life! The biggest of things! Husband needs to treat your concerns 100% seriously asap as you are the priority here. Don’t worry about keeping his peace; protect your peace. Congratulations on the baby!
She’s NOT joking. She will absolutely try to get to you at the hospital. And don’t tell anybody when you’re heading home or when you might be heading home, guaranteed she’ll be there waiting to ambush you to get her way. Just make sure to tell the staff NO VISITORS at all and register as private just to be safe. Keep your doors locked and do not open them to unwanted, uninvited visitors. You deserve time to yourselves for all the reasons. Her ‘grandma experience’ is what you allow it to be, not what she demands.
You guys need to put her on a zero information diet. Do not let her know when you go to the hospital.
Give her a list of rules for after your baby is born. If she doesn’t adhere to your rules she doesn’t get to visit, at all.
Block her and make your FH in charge of providing her pics and videos. Tell him you don’t want to hear about her unless she’s asking to visit and you just need to provide a yes or a no. His monkey, his circus. You don’t need to spend your pp time worrying about pleasing her
Trust me the moment I made my MIL her son’s problem my life became so much lighter.
I would be looking for a place to stay the first couple days that is not at my home. If your Mother is close can you stay there a couple days? So MIL wont be waiting in the driveway when you leave the hospital.
Just my thoughts.
I would have never said anything about your mom going. Just leave it at, we are having no visits. We will let everyone know when it’s their turn to come over. That’s all.
Also don’t obey her commands about what “she wants”. It’ll feel good when you don’t comply!
It’s okay to stop arguing with her. If she brings up her “demands” or your labor again, just say: “like we said before, we will let you know when we are ready.” Or “we’ve already discussed this, we don’t want to talk about it anymore.” And then deflect or hang up/walk away depending on what you’re comfortable with.
She keeps arguing because she’s getting a response which makes her think that if she continues she can break you down to“win” and get her way.
This will only get worse after baby is born. Lay down the law now and don’t let her push you around. She has to respect you and your boundaries if ever wants to see the baby. My mil showed up at the hospital despite being told not to. To this day I regret not throwing her out but at least now we’re NC and she hasn’t seen baby in 7 weeks. I plan to keep it like that forever. Fuck her and fuck these entitled mils. You’re the mom. Do not hesitate use your power
Whether she’s joking or not it’s not cool to upset a woman who’s about to give birth.
Tell her if she ever wants to meet this baby she needs to sit down and wait to be invited.
Saying this with love, your FH needs to stop this shizz cold turkey. You describe several elaborate conversations here – why do you let her state her demands? Bring this up over and over?
No is a complete sentence. “We’ve already discussed this, we want X. It is not up for discussion. If you continue, I will leave the conversation”.
You need to be firm and blunt. She clearly has the gall to think she can manipulate/convince/bribe/dictate/AND THREATEN because (with love) you both allow it to happen. For your sanity, this needs to stop. Trust that it WILL bleed over into parenting decisions – why are you doing this? Why are you giving them xx vaccines? Why feed them that? … 🫠🫠🫠
For you my friend, this is a vulnerable and precious time. YOU control your environment right now. Don’t text her, mute her conversation, make FH deal with her 1000%. Shut it down and focus on you. All the best with your upcoming delivery!! ❤️
Absolutely give her fair warning that if she does try anything at the hospital, or even tries to manipulate the situation any further after repeatedly being told what you guys need, she’s likely never going to meet baby ever.
>She said that no one can keep her away if she’s determined, that she knows her ways and will definitely come if we don’t follow her demands. That she will even go as far as to order a white coat and try to sneak past hospital staff.
HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA wheeze
Spoken like a woman who has never met a Labour and Delivery nurse, or dealt with security on a maternity ward.
AS IF.
Also, re the coat: does she really think that people at the hospital don’t know each other, and/or scan visually for appropriate security passes/ID cards, especially on maternity wards?
She is delusional. Mute notifications from her on both your phones. Enjoy the call from FIL letting you know he has had to raise bail for her release if she actually tries any of this shit. Best wishes for an easy delivery!
Be sure to alert your nurses. There should be no way for her to get your room number, but it may be a good idea to ask about additional security/privacy when you’re admitted…and to put a flag in your chart to give NO ONE info on you including room number.
They shouldn’t give that info regardless, but it’s an extra layer of protection… especially helpful if mil has a contact in the hospital. If that flag pops up, then they can reasonably expect that the chart log will be checked if any info is leaked.
I work in a niche area of healthcare and have definitely seen these flags pop up. You have to take the extra step certifying that you actually NEED access, which is recorded and timestamped.
My husband’s ex-SIL worked at a hospital he had to go to. We requested a report of every employee who accessed his chart. Thankfully it was just the appropriate staff, but if, for example, an admin asst in podiatry checks your chart, they will have answer for it (assuming you report it and ask questions…why was my chart accessed “date/time by x”.
You understand that she will absolutely post and share any photos or video of your LO. She will also 100% send out birth announcements, which is why she is demanding things like weight and measurements.
For your sanity’s sake, it’s time to mute MIL. You do not need to dealw with her right now, DH will need to keep her away. Make it clear that her behavior is causing you stress, and that you can’t deal with this so close to your due date.
It may be beneficial (if possible) to stay with your parents for the last few days. MIL seems like the kind to do drivebys to check if you are home. She may go so far as to show up at the hospital just because she couldn’t see your or DH’s car in the driveway and just assumed.
You may also want to consider setting up a visitor list now. Labor and delivery tends to be pretty locked down anyway, but it’s good if the nurses know that you have a boundary stomper on your hands. And a person crazy enough to “joke” about sneaking into a maternity ward dressed as a fake doctor, really has no business anywhere near you or your hospital of choice.
When you get to the hospital, you can register under PRIVATE and only people with the code you set, will be given your info.
>MIL visited us today and told us she has accepted that we don’t want visitors at the hospital etc. but she has a few demands for us.
no, this is not a negotiation and she isn’t entitled to demand a thing. Tell her all communication goes through FH and then mute her. SHE is causing conflict and it’s FH’s job to shut it down.
You need to make sure FH understands how important this is to you and supports you. I told my husband that if he allowed his mother in the hospital, I would not only have her removed from the hospital, but him as well. The way this delusional woman is talking, she needs to be stopped ASAP. Otherwise, she’s going to trample over every boundary you try to set until the day she dies. After my MIL kept showing up at our door uninvited, I refused to answer the door and told my husband I’d call the cops to have her trespassed if there was a next time. Stick to your guns or she’ll make you miserable.
Making demands, giving ultimatums? Tell her this is NOT a negotiation! She has no leverage here and she needs to stop. You could turn it around and tell her YOUR demands. She has to stop or you will let her meet baby after 4 weeks, or 5, or 2 months…
She has no power, no legs to stand on for making any demands. Warn the hospital and give them her photo, that’s an insane threat to make. She’s being selfish, immature, and has lost the plot completely. Your birth experience isn’t about her feelings.
If NOTHING is good enough for her, then NOTHING it is!!!!!!!!
Ok so now she’s not seeing the baby for another two weeks, every time she moans, pushes, demands two more weeks get added. She’ll catch on eventually I guess or not see the baby until they’re ready to attend school.
OP, first, you and DH need to be on the same page. Together, you need to sit MIL down and state your boundaries verbally and in writing. Every time she crosses a boundary, she will be put in a one week timeout where she will have no access to the baby. Non-negotiable. The ball is now in her court.
If she wants to act like a baby, she will be treated as one, but she won’t have access to yours.
Let your mama bear come out now to nip this in the bud. That child will be your first and main priority going forward. Do not let this nutcase MIL roll roughshod over you. Stay strong.
Check your phones for Location Sharing. Warn other family members how delusional she is.
No. It’s a full sentence. And in the course of being in labor and giving birth, oops. We forgot. We also will NOT be sharing any pictures electronically as we do not want them on social media. Rest assured all is well with mom and baby. Then turn off your phones-BOTH of you. You owe her nothing. PLEASE tell your nurses and ask to register as a confidential patient-signed a nurse
You and your partner need to be a united front on this one. Write down your own”demands”that have to be followed. You are the one giving birth, you get to run this show. Be very specific with hospital staff about what and you want and don’t want around. Specify you don’t want any info given to anyone who phones or arrives. Not even the fact that you are a patient. The staff will be on their toes, they have dealt with pushy relatives before and know what they are doing. Try to relax once you’ve made your wishes known, best wishes for a speedy delivery and recovery!
She’s psycho. I’m going to have to follow along to see how this turns out because she 100% was not joking.
She was NOT joking. Your SO is not seeing his mom or her actions clearly.
She is telling you what she plans to do. You should believe her and take appropriate actions.
Restraining order and inform hospital staff of her threats.
If she brings this up again, or worse if she does manage to show up at hospital, inform her that her insistence has added a week to the timeline. Any additional manipulation tactics will add a week each and every time.
You guys have given her way too much information. Put her on an information diet. She can’t act up if she doesn’t know anything.
Dude I’m just sorry this is happening to you. I️ hope delivery goes exactly how you want!
Do tell the hospital staff no visitors and make a sign for the door because sometimes requests like no visitors isn’t communicated between shift change. Also bring thank you gifts for the nurses station — it goes a long way.
Just tell your nurses what the “drama” is and they will be more than happy to ensure she doesn’t get to your room. You can also have a password attached to your name so when anyone calls if they don’t have the password and say that they have it – the staff will tell them that there is no one here by that name, are you sure she isn’t at (the hospital on the other side of the county). Send her on a goose chase that will lead to nowhere.
I’m a firm believer in you teach people how to treat you. If you budge on this she will push you on every single thing from now on. Seriously though, tell the nurses on the OB floor, they live to do this kind of stuff!
She’s not joking.
I hope she tries it and security HAULS her ass out.