Mostly just venting..We just brought our baby home after being born premature and spending the summer in the NICU. With such a long stay, my in laws and parents were lucky enough to get to see our baby on a regular basis. Once we brought him home we told our parents we would be taking two weeks to settle in with no visitors. MIL has a history with pushing boundaries and this pregnancy and baby is no exception. When I had a complicated, emergency C-section she posted it to her entire Facebook without asking me first. She posted the birth of our baby before we could, and posted a picture of him with an oxygen mask and feeding tube without asking us first. When told to take down her posts she played the victim and said she just wanted prayers for me and the baby. She never apologized. Now that baby is home, she tries every chance she can to come see the baby and it’s completely overwhelming. The texts and calls are relentless and after being asked to tone it down with buying baby clothes, she switched to buying and making us meals, ANYTHING to try and come over and into the house. When they have visited, they only fuss and fawn over the baby and barely speak to us. Most recently she has tried to drop packages off at the furthest door from the driveway because it’s the only one with a window. She’s literally trying to look in through our windows! Between the obsessive need to “see the baby,” insistence that I should go out so she can babysit (I’m literally on maternity leave and had to go 8 weeks without my baby at home, I’m not going anywhere) and her rude comments about our parenting “you can go and return that store brand diaper, it won’t be soft and absorbent enough for “OUR” baby, we will buy him the better one,” we have both politely continued to stand our ground and use our no’s but she’s literally driving me insane and I find her behavior to be weird, over the top and borderline creepy. I told my husband that they can come visit on the weekend once a week or bi-weekly but I want him to be there. He doesn’t get along with or like his mom and doesn’t want to spend time with them, so they end up not getting to visit, which makes their behavior even crazier. Any experience with crazy, obsessive grandparents? What are some ways that you’ve gotten them to respect your boundaries and in general calm down?
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Cut them off, you’ve been rewarding their behavior by not giving them consequences, tell them your boundaries and as soon as the break one they get a 2 week timeout that gets bigger every time they do it.
If your husband won’t chaperone their visits then they don’t get to visit. They are his parents and there’s no way he’s foisting them off on you because he doesn’t want to deal with them. That’s his circus to deal with not yours. Silence them on your phone and enjoy your peace and quiet.
Consequences. She won’t stop until the consequences outweigh the benefits.
“MIL, you will be allowed one visit every other week going forward. Any attempt to bypass this limit by dropping in without an invitation will result in the next visit being cancelled. Any failure to follow our instructions regarding the baby will result in an immediate end to the current visit and the cancellation of the next visit. Repeat infractions will result in these consequences escalating. You will behave yourself, or you will no longer be allowed in our child’s life.”
And then do exactly that. The next time she posts something without your permission, she loses out on the next visit. The next time she stops by to drop off food, she loses a visit. If she does it again, she loses the next two visits. Start taking away things she wants and she’ll start behaving.
Your husband needs to tell her that she is completely overwhelming you both and needs to give you some space to be parents to your LO now you are finally home. If she can’t give you space, she’ll be in time out. All communication needs to be via your husband, and if he doesn’t want to entertain her then she doesn’t get to visit!
Oh you have not only a MIL problem but also a big husband problem.
He has to shut her down, tell him! It’s his mom or you and baby – where lies his loyalty? It seems it’s not with you (only with himself)! He can’t say ‘she’s annoying me, I won’t talk to her’! It’s his mother, it’s his duty to deal with her as you two decide together.
If he is not willing to be here for you, make long visits with your parents /friends etc, with baby ofc. Let him deal with it crazy MIL if she pounds on the door or looks in your windows.
It’s not your duty to entertain her! If he doesn’t help you then you can (have to) set and enforce (!) boundaries. Tell her she can come by every second Saturday from 2 pm till 4pm (for example), then you have other plans or private time or whatever (or you say nothing at all – it’s not her business!). If she throws a tantrum, you say ok now it’s one Saturday a month or you say now it’s timeout for granny for 6 weeks, then we can talk again. If she thinks she can break down your boundaries with going behind your back to complain to your husband, timeout will go for 2 months (or for how long you like).
She has no say, husband has no say, because he doesn’t support you but wants to burden you with his overbearing mother while he sits back in his mancave and sips his beer in peace. A relationship doesn’t work that way!
I really hope he comes to his senses, otherwise you are a single married mom with all the duties and without any help, support, understanding or loyalty from husband.. And your MIL gets free way to trample all over you.
Think about it. Do you really want that for yourself and baby?
He needs to deal with his parents and you need to be clear about what WILL happen in terms of baby and respecting boundaries. If mil comes to the door, don’t open it. Leave a cooler on the porch for her to drop off meals. Gifts and packages can be left at a location of your choosing or they won’t be picked up and the critters and elements will destroy them. Set a visitation schedule ONLY after setting up boundaries that are non-negotiable by anyone other than you and DH who will be on the same page.
Your mil is an issue, but your husband is a bigger issue. Just bc he doesn’t get along with his mother doesn’t mean that he gets to use you and baby as his human shield. Any in-laws visit he HAS to be there and STAY there…. No running out for take-out/groceries. Hold firm on that one.
There are no magic words to cure crazy. She either doesn’t understand what you are comfortable with or doesn’t care. My guess is the latter. She only cares about getting what she wants. She thinks she can trick or manipulate you to get what she wants. She doesn’t even consider that she is tricking or manipulating you to go against what YOU want. Her thinking is far too selfish and short-sighted.
Just keep your doors locked and stick to your boundaries. If you aren’t receiving company, then she can leave the package on the porch. Do not reward her newest tactic or she will continue to use it. Get a doorbell cam and mute your phone if you have to. Always keep to situations you can control bc crazy granny will try and pull a mile from any inch.
Good luck!
If he doesn’t really enjoy his parents, why isn’t he just blunt with them?
“Mom, you’ve been over stepping with my family again. This is not your baby. You are not a parent or a caretaker for my child. We are not interested in your opinions. We do not want you stopping by. We do not want you to buy things for us or the baby to gain additional access. Until you learn your place as the grandma is to be supportive of us as loving and capable parents, the most I’m comfortable with is seeing you for two hours the first Sunday of the month. And going forward, if you have a need to contact my family, contact me directly.”
Posting your C-section and NICU photos without permission is a HUGE violation. That would’ve sent me over the edge.
He doesn’t like his mom but uses YOU as a shield to convey this? Your husband needs to man up and put a stop to this behavior. You shouldn’t have to feel anxious in your own home.
Her behavior around your windows is genuinely creepy. That’s not “grandma love,” that’s boundary-stomping.
“You can return those diapers, OUR baby deserves better” … excuse me?? OUR??
Meals, gifts, diapers, it’s all just manipulation to get access. She’s not helping, she’s love-bombing.
Honestly, once-a-week visits with your husband present sounds beyond fair. If she can’t respect that, that’s on her.
Sounds like MIL is projecting her own desires onto your family. Firm boundaries are key. Tell her: “We appreciate your enthusiasm, but our baby’s routine and our relationship come first. Scheduled visits only.” Don’t justify or explain further. If she pushes, repeat the boundary. Consider limiting gifts too, “We’re good on supplies, thanks.” Your husband’s on the same page, so you’re solid. If she can’t respect that, limit contact.
Girl literally block her and let your husband deal with this crap. Also, curtains on your windows lol
Hi OP!
The perfect solution is right there in your post: “I told my husband that they can come visit on the weekend once a week or bi-weekly but I want him to be there. He doesn’t get along with or like his mom and doesn’t want to spend time with them, so they end up not getting to visit.”
Your husband doesn’t like his mom! This is fantastic, especially if he can actually admit that to himself. Even if he can’t admit that to himself, this is still really good news.
My advice is to tweak what you’ve already said to him and to completely drop the rope. Then let the chips fall where they may – with no effort from you AT ALL to pick up the pieces.
This is what you do:
It took me a long time to realize this in my own life, but your husband actively ignoring his family is actually a really good thing! Not liking his mother and not wanting to spend time with her is a gift! There is a reason why he doesn’t like her and doesn’t want to be around her. Because she’s terrible.
All you have to do to get what you want is stop being his meat shield. Ask yourself, did he really push you into being his meat shield against his mother? Or did you step up to take on the role because he was hiding in the background, trying to ignore her and you felt compelled to be a polite, welcoming, and smooth over the awkwardness.
Drop the rope, make her completely his problem, and then watch the problem disappear because he’s never going to respond as often as you would, never going to put in the effort you would put in, never going to prepare for their visits, never going to do anything but avoid her as much as possible, as he has been doing his entire life.
Good Luck, OP!
That’s not love for the baby, that’s control disguised as “grandma excitement.” She’s not respecting you because she doesn’t see you as the parent. Honestly? Grey rock, lock the doors, block the windows, and let your husband deal with the fallout, it’s his circus.
IMO they should be grateful if you offer them even 1-2 hours ONCE a month with your husband there and you baby wear.
I suggest you practice saying “that doesn’t work for us” or leave them on read.
Also, if you’re in the US, I suggest you buy stick on window privacy panels at Home Depot or Lowe’s.
Stay strong momma!
Honestly, I’d start pointing out that she’s disrupting what little rest you get. “I am supposed to sleep when the baby keeps, and I can’t because you keep calling and turning up when you aren’t invited. Do you WANT me to be sleep deprived?”
And when she insists on babysitting- “why are you so obsessed with getting baby alone?”
You’re postpartum so even if you hurt her feelings, you can request a bit of grace. But you might also need to start putting her in timeout. Start with “I can’t be focused on you. If you want to visit, you need to arrange a time with husband so he can be here, otherwise I need you to let me have some time alone, uninterrupted with my baby.” Then each time she reaches out, “I already told you to make arrangements with husband for when he’s here. Since you won’t respect that, you need to leave me alone for 2 weeks before you can visit again. If you contact me during that time, the timer starts over.”
Hang a sheet over the window if necessary to block their view. Put a sign on the door that says do not disturb, mom and baby sleeping. Put your phone on do not disturb and create an auto text response that says you’re busy taking care of the baby and will respond at our convenience. Put in a ring doorbell and make sure to lock your front door. You can answer the ring doorbell and simply say it’s not a good time, we’re resting but I will let you know when we are ready for a visit.
Your husband really needs to be the one to address these issues with his parents. He can simply send her a message and say while we appreciate all of your interest in helping with the baby we are taking this time to develop a routine and bond with the baby. We are unable to respond to calls and texts as we are tending to the needs of baby. Give them something to look forward to and focus on. We would love to have you come for a visit on Sunday from 12-2. (Choose a time to end the visit knowing the baby will be ready for a nap.)
Tel them no food, clothing or gifts are needed but when you do need something, MIL will be the first to know. Then occasionally ask her to bring a casserole, or diapers if, she’s up for it. Play up the safety issue of not posting photos on social media but offer a group chat with the grandparents where you will share photos, but warn that misuse will get her banned from the chat. It’s a balancing act that will hopefully save your sanity.
Good luck.
Boundaries are yours to enforce, she’s not going to respect anything you ask her to do. Don’t expect her to calm down, put up real boundaries. Boundaries are actions YOU decide to take to protect your mental health.
With well adjusted people they take no for an answer the first time. With emotionally immature people like your MIL, expect to have to continue enforcing your boundaries forever.
If you (insert toxic/disrepsectful behavior) we are going to (example boundary consequence cancel your next visit).
What your husband did below was part of a good boundary.
>I told her no thank you, and she dropped them off the next day anyway. Husband made her come by and pick them up and return them.
The full boundary could be if you drop anything off at the house when we tell you not to, we don’t take it inside even if it’s food. If you don’t remove it, we will cancel your next two visits.
If she starts behaving a bit better you can consider going back to regular visit schedule but most people like this when you give and inch they take a mile so be prepared to reinstate your boundaries with consequences at any time. It’s like dealing with a child who will constantly test what they can get away with. People are supposed to grow out of that behavior, but she’s emotionally stunted. Act accordingly.
Yep experienced this. My postpartum was ruined by the husbands family who lives 1 hour away, not even mine who live 5 minutes away. It was suffocating. Relentless, I suffer from a lot of trauma and anger thinking back at them. I will never recover or forgive. We even said no to a visit and she still came anyway. She would show up unannounced at my back door. We are now a year into it, we have had to severely push back and nobody is really on great terms. It’s stressful. I just try and not let them get in my head. And any and all contact goes through my husband. They are blocked in my phone.
If he doesn’t like his mom why is she even involved in your lives? If I didn’t get along with my mother I certainly wouldn’t allow her around my spouse or child. He should be the one handling this, not you.
I personally really like the grayrock method for these types of situations. I just react as little as possible, because its usually about attention (with my MIL at least)
Just because she’s dropping off packages doesn’t mean you’re “home”. Do you answer the door every time she comes?
Just make sure your doors are locked and she can drop off whatever she wants (if you want). If you don’t want whatever it is, that’s on DH to tell her to stop bringing things and she will be invited over when it works for the two of you. Which could be weekly, monthly, or never.
Mute her on your phone and only check it once every couple of days. For your own peace.
If she complains about not getting an answer to her messages, tell her no answer is her answer. Unless she hears a yes, then the answer is no.
Let everyone know there is now a cool bag by the front door for those kind people who are dropping off food, so they don’t have to disturb you by knocking.
And put a curtain or blind on the side door window!
My husband’s grandma is just like this and had a complete fit when we said no kissing the baby and took it as an attack on her and his aunts when it was to literally everyone. She only comes over because she has something for the kids and the day I came home after having emergency surgery 3 weeks postpartum she made a comment about whenever I was ready to go on a date night to let her know and her and his aunts could watch them. I said that a date night was the last thing on my mind and I missed my newborn and toddler and it was going to be a long time before I willingly leave them again. Honestly I would speak up let her know how you feel or it’s never going to stop. I still try not to say anything unless I absolutely have to but it definitely gets old after a while.
If your Partner doesn’t like her, and she’s annoying and undermining you with her bullying behaviour, what positives does she actually bring to your lives?
You dont have to keep boundary stomping people in your lives.
I’d be getting partner to let her know that its not appropriate to be snooping around. That your family is happy and doesn’t need help. If you decide you do still want visits then have your partner clearly state the acceptable frequency. Or, you could decide to just see them at family events and say “We’ll see you next at Auntie Bea’s birthday do.”
This is creepy and obsessive. Your baby isn’t hers, you are the parents, just because she’s attempting to manipulate access with gifts and meals does not mean it gets her in the door. Lock windows, unplug the doorbell if needed, and ignore her. She’s not going to stop and you need to protect your peace.
“Our answer is still no. Every time you get pushy, we will add more time between visits. Please wait for us to be ready for the next visit.” And only meet them for short visits in public places so you can leave when you want to.