My boyfriend is proposing soon. When we visited his parents 2 weeks ago his mom made a comment that bothered me and I retaliated. I’m not proud but I need to vent.
We arrived on a Friday and went out for dinner and then a bar for drinks with BFs family. MIL cornered me after a few drinks in the noisy bar and said “do you really need as expensive of a ring as you’re asking for? This engagement would have happened by now.” I shrugged off the comment and moved on with the night. Please note, my bf can afford the ring.
The next day we are at lunch and I was asking BFs dad about Thanksgiving and if his mom (bfs grandma) would be there this year. MIL jumps in and says “well yall will be here for Christmas since you weren’t last year right???”
My annoyance was already high from her comments the previous night so I abruptly answered “actually no, we will be in Austin for Christmas and will likely be there on Christmas every year.” She starts fussing at my BF and I can’t really hear but he tells his mom “please just go with this, don’t make my life difficult”
So MIL abruptly leaves table and is gone for a 15-20 mins in bathroom. When she comes back it’s obvious she’s been crying. It’s awkward and she doesn’t say much. I’m very annoyed by this because in my opinion it’s emotional blackmail.
BF and I had previously discussed being at home for Christmases in our house we purchased together. I grew up going to in laws houses for Christmas out of state and I always preferred when my family was home for Christmas, so my bf knows this is important to me. I’ve also let BFs dad know they are welcome to join us for Christmas.
How do I deal with this woman moving forward? She’s brought up Christmas before this point and how her and her husband always traded off. I was hoping BF would say something to her but I blurted it out. She annoys me bad and has for the last 4.5 years. She’s rude and can’t keep her opinions to herself.
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I’m botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
^(To be notified as soon as hkikirae posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe hkikirae JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
You need to sit down with your boyfriend and figure out what the two of you want your life to look like. Do it now before you get engaged or married or start having babies.
This includes where and how you would like to handle all the major holidays and what your thoughts are regarding how involved you want your families to be in various things like the wedding planning
Once you are both on the same page, he needs to clearly communicate this to his mother. He also needs to tell her to STFU about the ring.
Please don’t feel bad for not being bullied by your MIL.
When my DH and I were first married, my FIL said to me, “Promise me you’ll spend every Thanksgiving and Christmas with us.”
I looked him straight in the eye and told him I wouldn’t promise him that, as I had a family too.
The ones we spent with MIL and FIL were miserable. Our best Christmases were the ones we spent in our own home.
The nerve of some people.
Honestly, YOU don’t deal with her. Your BF / Future Fiancee does! She is HIS family. He’s the one who has decades of a relationship with her and he’s the one who is picking you.
OP, for me, this happened when my oldest daughter was a year and a half old. It’s called dropping the rope.
Here’s how the relationship looks now.
My husband is 100% responsible for all communication between his nuclear family- him, myself, and our two children- and his family of origin. If they want to visit, or he wants to visit them, he makes all of the arrangements and plans. He buys all of the Christmas and birthday gifts. He buys and sends all of the birthday and anniversary cards. He manages his family 100%.
I do not call, text, email, or share on social media with any of his family members. He is 100% responsible for all of the communication.
When we are in person, I am polite and cordial. Everything is very surface level when it comes to conversation. My husband is responsible for communicating a start time, an end time, and any specifics about menu or activities.
He’s also responsible for holding those boundaries. If we have an end time of 3:00, he’s walking his family to the door or helping me to get our kids out the door.
If they want to schedule something, my immediate response is that they need to reach out to him. If they push me, I tell them the answer is no. Not only do they need to be putting these requests through their family member- my husband- but our family has a fairly busy calendar and as our children get older. It is only getting busier.
One of our house rules is that if someone is asking about anything for a specific date, we have to check the calendar and with each other. If that person refuses to give us the space to check in with both the calendar and each other, the answer is an immediate no.
OP, another big piece to this is that if I tell my husband that I am uncomfortable or upset or need space, he is the one who is responsible for communicating that to his family and maintaining the boundary.
He’s only ever once told me, ” well that’s how she is”. And my response was not what he expected.
Essentially, I called bullshit. I told my husband straight up, if his mother’s feelings were more important than his wife, I would pack him a bag myself and he could go live with her. Thankfully, that worked for us.
Tell her you want to start your own traditios for the holidays.
I love advice to say “it sounds like (looks like) you’re having some big feelings. Why don’t we give you some time and we can talk when you’re more settled.”
I think you’re doing great! Blunt is what works w these people. That and sticking to your guns.
You don’t go for Christmas and you dont give her attention for her drama. Good of you just putting it out there that nope, the plan is Christmas to our house. She keeps going off – yep, you said that. We were very clear MIL.
I have a lot of questions. I do think that your boyfriend’s mother was rude in speaking to you about the ring but I suspect there are a lot of problems between the two of you.
How expensive is the ring in question and how did the two of you agree in the specifications. Did you ask him for a particular ring?
Also, where were you for Christmas last year? And do you really think it was fair to your boyfriend to tell his mother about your plans for all Christmases in the future in the middle of conflict? Did your boyfriend happily agree to never visit his parents for Christmas again?