My husband informed me yesterday that my MIL is planning to throw me a surprise baby shower. I wouldn’t say she’s a “Monster in law” BUT she is Filipino (like the rest of hubbys family) and I’m White. When my husband and I first started dating she didn’t really agree with us being together and she told my husband not to bring me to their house. Ever since we told her about the pregnancy she’s said some rude things about our baby being a girl instead of a boy and for some reason ever since I got pregnant being around her and my hubbys family really stresses me out because after we told them about the pregnancy they started telling me what to do with my body and giving me unwanted advice.
I’m not supposed to know about the baby shower she’s planning but my husband told me about it because he knows I like to plan for things in advance. I’m really glad he told me because she’s throwing this shower the day RIGHT after my big one that’s already been planned and that we are inviting ALL of our relatives to.
I’m truly thankful, two showers sounds AWESOME but I can’t help but feel like she didn’t agree with the way I wanted my original baby shower to go so now she’s throwing her own so that she can be in control of the guests and the food. I already know that she’s going to invite people I don’t even know which kind of makes me uncomfortable because I’m super shy and have social anxiety.
I’m worried that the guests we invite to the original shower will end up going to the one she planned and not mine…We also were relying on her to help out with some of the food for my shower but now since she’s going to be busy planning her own I don’t think that she help with the food anymore.
I don’t think that it’s ALL bad, and I’m super thankful but she knew about the date and time of the shower we were planning and something about it just doesn’t sit right with me…maybe I’m pregnant and just overreacting? Part of me is also kind of dreading going because they stress me out. I’m trying to look on the bright side and have my hubby send her the registry so she can give it to any guests she’s inviting. PLEASE don’t hold back and let me know if I’m overreacting.
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In my family we always had 2 showers. One thrown by each side of the family. Just enjoy the extra gifts and don’t worry too much about it..
since the shower is a surprise which you”didn’t” know about , I’m sure you have other plans for the day MIL is throwing a shower for herself and has invited you.
As a Filipino I can say this: Pinoy men are notorious mama’s boys. Hope this isn’t going to be a problem when the baby arrives. (“Ganda ni baby, kamukha ko!”)
I feel like you’re super thankful and trying to be the chill DIL because you don’t want to rock the boat, don’t want to cause conflict… but what she’s doing is controlling. She is throwing you a baby shower not for you because the one you’re already organising would be good enough for her to help out in, but she’s throwing it for herself. She’s doing this so she can parade around as the grandmother and feel superior to you. Trust me girl, this is a classic JN MIL.
First it will be throwing a separate baby shower, then it will be throwing a separate 1st birthday party.. and so on and so forth. Then it will be you shouldn’t do this with the baby, you should do this, no just give the baby to me I’ve already had babies….
This isn’t a cultural difference, this is her struggling to accept that you are the one being celebrated and she’s not. My sister has inlaws from a similar culture, and her MIL is AWESOME to the point of managing all the food, decorations and supporting my sister in her party organisation. Not throwing an entirely different celebration.
Please speak to your husband and have him speak to his mum and cancel the separate baby shower. She can have her tantrum, but I just wouldn’t show up. This is something you need to set a boundary on now before your baby arrives, otherwise she will know she can walk all over you.
I got told, not asked, that my ILs wouldn’t be attending my main shower and would be throwing their own. I too thought okay more supplies for baby. Wrong. At least my MIL didn’t try to sneak it by as a surprise but it might as well have been because I wasn’t consulted on the food, guest list, theme, nothing. I didn’t even know the location had changed until the invite came in the mail. She also tried to plan it when I was something like 37 weeks pregnant because “it was more convenient for her sisters” so that should’ve been my sign to bow out. Instead I pushed back and got her to do it earlier. On the day of I mostly sat to the side while they had a family reunion eating food I either couldn’t have or had aversions to and then we opened presents to find that hardly anyone bought off the registry or provided receipts. I cried at the idea of having to go around town at 8/9 months pregnant to exchange it all so thankfully my mom handled that for me. I hope for your sake yours goes better but mentally prepare yourself.
Plan to have major nausea/pregnancy back pain/etc. the day after your main shower. You couldn’t possibly do anything other than rest at home.
I don’t think you should go. This will set a precedence. If the guests you invited choose to skip the shower the parents of the baby organised that’s on them. You decide the course of the relationship going forward. They are already pushing boundaries and overstepping. Put your foot down now. This is gonna be a grandma shower not a baby shower.
Honestly I think you are way under reacting. This is absolutely a power play. It’s beyond rude to siphon resources and guests away from your planned shower. If I got invited to two showers a day apart for the same person I’d be pretty weirded out and calling the guest of honor like what is up with all this??
I would stay away from the “surprise” shower. If this woman has so little regard for you, it just doesn’t sit right with me. The fact your hubby doesn’t want to be around her speaks volumes.
I would send a message to your original guest list.
“Hey! I heard there was some confusion about the date of our baby shower. It is still [original date]. Can’t wait to see you then!”
This isn’t a thoughtful or generous gesture. This is about control. If she wants to throw you another baby shower, she needs to ask your permission. So when she inevitably gets upset at you reminding your guests of the correct date, she needs to go to you. This is 100% a power struggle. Tell your husband he needs to let her know that you have plans that day, and that if she’d like to throw an extra shower, she will need to coordinate with you and nicely ask you to make yourself available.