For context: I don’t hate my MIL. Overall she and her family have been accepting and kind to me. But my number 1 issue is that she constantly crosses boundaries with me, ALWAYS has opinions on what we wanted to do (for example: wedding planning, buying our first house. I could write a novel on those experiences but that’s for another post).
When my husband and I had our first child, this is when she really became a problem for me. Whatever rules and boundaries I set down for my child, she gets upset and crosses them and makes me feel terrible for making those rules. Here are some examples:
-
She accidentally revealed that she brought my toddler out to go shopping at the mall. I asked her how she did that since they have no car seat. She told me she put my child in her BUMBO SEAT and they held her like that while they drove. I’m sorry but i thought using a car seat while driving was common sense?? So i told her in a nice way to never do that and that she should buy her own car seat. She refused with the dumb excuse “ I’m not going to buy a car seat that she’s going to outgrow soon.” ….. I told her that they make car seats for children to grow into until they’re 4 years old. AGAIN SHE REFUSED. My husband and I had no choice but to buy it for her and only then she was okay to use the car seat.
-
My child has gotten sick at their house plenty of times and they never tell us until we pick her up at night after we both get off work. “Oh btw she threw up 4 times today.” I was like excuse me??? We’re only finding out about this now? One time they took her to the play ground and she fell and busted her lip. Again they only informed us about it later that night when we picked her up. When we got home, my toddler was saying her head hurt and that “papa hurt me” (papa= her grandpa). I got upset again cause we don’t know if she fell on her head or anything since they didn’t tell us right when it happened. We called them and asked for more details about the incident. We asked why they didn’t tell us right away and they said oh it’s okay her uncle checked her out.
-
Since my daughter has been born, she’s been PUSHING me to have her sleepover. Even though a million times Ive said no and why I don’t feel comfortable with that, she still pushes me and makes me feel guilty. The reason why I’m afraid to have her sleep over is because the house is full of men- her husband, her dad, and her two adult sons. One son constantly brings her to his room where he’ll be there with her for hours ALONE and she doesn’t see that as a problem. I’m very cautious about these kinds of things because majority of the time it’s a family member that harms the child and my daughter cant even properly tell me if anyone touches her or does things to her. Ive told her this and she calls me crazy!!
-
Now here’s the most recent thing that bothers me so much. She asked me if she could take my 2 year old swimming at the water park. I told her firmly no and explained that she’s too small for most life jackets and I’m afraid of drownings. She got so offended and said “ well what am I going to do about the 10 swimsuits I bought her”. I didn’t even tell her to buy those, she acted on her own!! I said no again, I don’t feel safe with you bringing my toddler to a water park without me or my husband there. She proceeded to show me all the swim suits she bought, making me feel guilty that they wont be used. She also asked my toddler “ do you want to go swimming?” And ofc my toddler got excited and said yes. Then she said “sorry but mommy said no”. WTF. She also talked shit about me in front of me to the other relatives and extended family in the house, saying I’m crazy for not allowing her to go swimming with them. Ive never felt so disrespected. My husband and I have a little inflatable pool in our house that my child loves so I suggested she do the same. Her excuse: “No those are too small for her she’ll hate it”. I told her that she has so much fun with ours at our house so I don’t see the problem. Then she asked me to come with them the next time they go to the water park, which I don’t mind. But i told her that since I’m 8 weeks away from giving birth and I’m uncomfortable sitting out in the summer heat, it would have to wait till after the baby’s born. Again she got so upset and said that’s too long to wait.
Am I crazy for trying to put my daughter’s safety first? Ive felt this with them ever since I had my child, that all they care about is going out and having fun with their first grandchild (which I’m all for!) but I noticed they’re so reckless when it comes to her safety and they get upset with me when i tell them my rules with her. Please tell me I’m not the only one. Also would love to note that my husband is useless in these situations cause he doesn’t support me or says anything to her.
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I’m botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
^(To be notified as soon as lightningskill posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe lightningskill JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
I don’t think your daughter is safe with mil from info you’ve provided. I would move to only supervised visits
I think u know the answer but lack the intestinal fortitude to put your foot down.
Why do you keep giving her opportunities to disregard your very reasonable boundaries without any consequences?
Your MIL has shown you she’s unsafe (driving child without a car seat, FFS). After that episode alone you should have banned her from spending any unsupervised time with your child. If the police had pulled her over, they could have involved CPS. As for getting your child excited about swimming and saying “mommy says no” that’s pure manipulation and must be stopped immediately. MIL isn’t minding her while you have this baby, is she?
I can feel your MIL making my blood pressure rise and I’ve never even met her. It sounds like she is making a game out of badgering you to do whatever she wants. Please put her in time out.
You’re not crazy, you’re being a responsible parent. Your MIL constantly crosses boundaries and disregards safety, like with the car seat and sleepovers. You’re right to put your daughter’s safety first, and your husband needs to step up and support you. Stay firm, don’t let her guilt trips wear you down.
She wants to play with a baby, she doesn’t see the baby as a helpless person who needs to be protected. What’s worse is she seems to feel your child is enough hers to claim entitlement to, but not enough to feel responsibility for. By which I mean that if she let something unspeakable happen to your kid she wouldn’t really feel the loss, beyond the pity points it would gain her. She’d just wait for you or another of her kids/niblings/whoever to have another baby and go on demanding her rights to it. If she doesn’t understand why you’re upset now, she won’t accept that the inevitable consequences of her neglect are her fault later. I wouldn’t let her have any unsupervised time with your child, at her home or anywhere else.
Your MIL’s got some major issues. You’re not being overprotective, you’re being a responsible parent. She’s the one who’s reckless and disregarding your boundaries. Don’t let her guilt trip you into compromising your child’s safety. Your husband needs to step up and support you, btw.