My MIL and husband really don’t have the best relationship, she has serious issues with boundaries. My husband generally deals with her by ignoring her, where I often feel obligated to be polite, despite finding her behavior off-putting and oftentimes rude.
After 3 years of infertility, 7 failed IUIs and finally getting pregnant via IVF, the irritations started out small. Throughout my pregnancy she constantly referred to the baby as “our baby” “our king” and “our prince,” something that definitely got under my skin but because we don’t see my in laws often I was able to ignore it. After having my baby extremely premature due to having severe preeclampsia, her boundary stomping really kicked into high gear. Without asking, she shared my medical condition, announced my son’s birth, and posted a picture of him in the NICU with a CPAP, feeding tube, and unclothed (because he was toonsmall to fit in any) to her Facebook. Husband immediately had her take all three posts down. Now that baby is home, she has pushed us in different ways, telling us (rather than asking) that she bought the baby clothes or diapers after being told in advance that we are more than set with clothes and supplies (to which she has been asked to return afterwards). Finding reasons to show up multiple times throughout the week to try and see the baby. Reminding me over and over again that I can go out and run errands and have a girls night so they can babysit. While our baby was in the NICU she was specifically told not to kiss the baby which she said she understood.. and yet two weeks after him coming home she kissed him right in front of us, which we confronted her about later that night. Three days later she told us she wasn’t feeling well and was going to “stay away for a few weeks”. Baby was extremely tired and barely ate that weekend and we were terrified that he was sick. Her response is always the same, she’s just so excited and she can’t help herself.
Today she texted my husband and I asking “How is MY baby’s name doing?” And rather than respond I promptly left the chat. Part of me feels guilty, and the other part of me just needs to protect my own peace at this point. Throughout my pregnancy she didn’t know about our infertility journey… but following my traumatic labor experience, and 50 day nicu stay, she was made well aware of just what my husband and I needed to go through to have our baby and I have had enough of her weird sense of entitlement and ownership over our child. Anyone else?
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Protect your own peace. The mental games get draining after awhile. I had to block my MIL on my phone for my own peace.
There’s a difference bewteen being polite and being a doormat.
Your MIL crosses so many boundaries, I’m surprised she’s even allowed near baby.
Do not communicate with her. Let your husband manage it going forward. Keep your doors locked
Someone commented on a post of someone having similar issues (I also resonate hard with this) in here this past week and said “their title to your child doesn’t entitle them to your child” and it literally made me feel so validated. I think reminding yourself that and putting your foot down when boundaries are crossed are key. My therapist said that when boundaries aren’t followed up with consequences, they’re just suggestions then.
Your husband needs to flat out tell her that she is being too pushy and that the two of you have decided she can see the baby once every two weeks and she doesn’t need to drop anything off or bring anything by your house
She’s a selfish b. You’re not overreacting!
Girl, protect your peace. She’s not your mother, you don’t owe her anything. Also, she CAN help herself! She’s not a toddler. Ugh
Congrats on your baby boy and try to not let your MIL taint your experience as a new mother xx
OP, congratulations on your LO. May I suggest you get back in that chat. You need to keep an eye on her communication, and it’s the best forum to get your point of view across.
Try standing up for that POV every time. First, to make your point, light-hearted corrections.
“Gladys, I’m just checking. You do know that little Johnny is Fred’s and my baby, right? Not a group project? 😀 I was confused by your calling him ‘my Johnny.’”
“Gladys, I see a new plant on the porch. Did you come by? Please – little Johnny and I nap all times of the day. Quiet time is precious. Let’s set up a time for your visit so we can plan. I’m not having any visitors without a plan.”
“Gladys, I’m sorry to say we’re not going to be able to accept your offer to babysit. You’re unable to control yourself, as you’ve told us. Johnny is a preemie and you absolutely CAN NOT kiss him. And you’ve said you can’t control yourself from kissing him. So we’ll be there at all times when you’re visiting Johnny. We all want him to stay healthy, right?”
I feel like whenever there is a MIL problem you actually have a husband problem.
“You better start f-ing helping yourself or your azz is gonna never see hima gain! Understand?”use these exact words.
Congrats on the baby.
Follow your husband’s lead. If he’s “ignoring her”, you should, too. You don’t have to be the social secretary for his relatives just because you’re female.
Helpful tips:
When she shows up, you don’t have to answer the door. If she’s ever had keys or codes, change them. Your home is your sanctuary and you should feel safe and secure in it.
I’m a big fan of the locking steel-screen door. This allows me to safetly open the door without fear of someone trying to barge in. If that’s not possible, a good safety chain can help. You can close the door in someone’s face.
You don’t have to respond to a text/email. You don’t have to answer a call. You can end the call whenever you want. You don’t need permission to do so. Yes, it’s scary the first several times you do it. It gets easier and easier.
When your husband starts complaining about his mother’s antics, stop him. He can find a therapist for that. You don’t need to be bothered by hearing anything about her. It’s often shown that when the spouse has to deal with their own parent, they go no contact more quickly. They don’t like having to do the emotional lifting.
Your own needs come first and it sounds like you need a good, long break from her presence. Tell MIL that you will INVITE her when you want to see her. Make the visits far apart and random. Absolutely enforce, in the moment, your rules for baby’s protection. If MIL ‘can’t help herself’ she can’t be near the baby, at all.
I would absolutely go the the “concerned for her” route and be like lack of self control is an early sign of dementia and are you okay?!..
You have a husband problem. He should be stepping in and setting and controlling the boundaries and it sounds like he’s just ignoring things instead. I would start with a conversation with him.
As far as her showing up and things like that, just don’t open the door. Have him sit down and tell her that these are the boundaries and if she can’t stay within them, she can’t be part of the baby’s life.
My response would be “MIL you must get checked by the doctor, I’m concerned for your health, your memory seems to be affected. Your baby is Husband”
If she stops by unannounced don’t let her in. Tell her ahead of time that this will happen and stick to it! You don’t owe her politeness.
I mute chats that I find upsetting. I have a group one with my sister and it depresses me. I check it once a week. That way the notifications are not spiralling my mood daily. Plus, it really helps to stop these people living in your head rent free. You only think about them on the planned day, or if you want to check for something – but again, being on your terms gives you a little more control, which again boots them from your brain a bit. It’s hard at first, you want to keep checking it!
I’m just very sorry, and I wish health and happiness for you, your husband, and your little one. Don’t let that person steal your happiness. She doesn’t deserve it.
I think that’s the best thing you can do to protect your peace. And since she can’t keep her lips off your premature baby, I’m petty enough to make her wear a mask during visits from now on. Visits that are very rare as we are heading into RSV/cold season. You went through a traumatic pregnancy/birth, you need to collect yourself and heal with your baby in your arms.
Congratulations on your LO, and having him home now.
If she can’t control herself around LO, whenever you do allow her to be around you and LO, baby wear at ALL times.
This will prevent her just picking him up, kissing him, trying to take him off you, and you’ll have both hands free to stop and restrain her from getting in your personal space if necessary, or for shoving her out of the door when she crosses too many lines again.
I can see where that is annoying from a relative but I’m a baby whisperer. I can absolutely calm a frustrated baby down in almost no time. It hurts when I can’t because I don’t know the parents. But my friends absolutely used me when their kids were littles,
Sounds like she’s looking for Control Dopamine. It’s common with parents and their adult children–especially moms. She used to have more things to control in her life and now she has to create opportunities for that missing control.
Don’t let her have it.
If she can’t help herself from overstepping then she shouldn’t have time with baby unsupervised.
Stand up for your baby. Don’t let her misappropriate your child.
“I just can’t help myself”.
“MIL until you are able to control yourself and not kiss baby you won’t be allowed to hold him”.
You have a husband problem.
By saying nothing when she says these things, you are giving her tacit approval.
You have to stand up for your baby.
I completely understand your strong maternal instincts. My daughter’s son was born prematurely because he was so sick. My heart was pounding as I watched from the sidelines as my daughter and the child’s father fought for their child. I cried for both the baby and them.My grandson was in the ICU for 3 months after birth. When you had to watch your child from behind glass and fear for the baby 24/7, you inevitably become a lioness. So your strong feelings are completely normal.Is your MIL the kind of person who would respect your instructions and rules if your husband talked to her? If not, then the only thing that will help is less and less contact.
My husband is like this. He ignores his mom when she misbehave, because as two adults there was very little harm with that approach and he is a very avoidant person. Now that there is a baby, there IS harm with being avoidant because you both are allowing YOUR baby to be treated in a way you don’t agree with. I hope he will realize that you can’t just ignore anymore because ignoring will make her think it is ok.
You need to stop giving her information and set firm boundaries. When my baby was in the NICU, I chose not to send pictures to anyone because of this exact thing. You can’t change the past, but now is the time to learn how to stand up for your baby even when it is uncomfortable. This is a skill that you will need a million times as a parent with schools, doctors, etc. With your MIL, be firm, clearly state your boundary, and act quickly with consequences if it is not respected. Being a grandparent is a privilege and not a right. I cut my own parents out shortly after my child’s birth because they were so fucking insensitive to the trauma I had experienced and didn’t respect my boundaries and I just couldn’t take it anymore.
Her behavior is not inevitable. It is being allowed to happen and it can be stopped.
“MIL, your baby is outside mowing, at work, talking to the neighbors….”
She is not taking any of your hints. So you and DH need to be very direct and clear. No more referring to baby as “mine” or “ours”. This is best done by both of you and in person. If she is complying with your request, allow her more visits, and if she “forgets”, the visit is over and you show her to the door.
As a nicu nurse witnessing Grandmas like her is torture sometimes. I always tell the mamas “if you need me to check her, I can on behalf of ‘hospital policy’”, which I gladly do. Like others have mentioned – keep your boundaries and be as direct as you feel comfortable. But your husband needs to step in and reinforce the boundaries clearly.
May I suggest typing up some “requests” for grandma. You can phrase it like: “grandma, you mentioned that you keep forgetting about our needs and wishes so we wrote them out for you, so you don’t have to remember them”. You can list out play visits, hand washing, no kissing, UTD on vaccines, etc.
We are heading into RSV season and it’s so easy for these ex preemies to get it.
If she “can’t help herself” then you will just have to help her – by not allowing her to hold your child or even see your child, if necessary.