MIL refuses to take accountability

There is a lot to unpack here, so I apologize for the long post. My fiancé (27M) and I (27F) are getting married at the end of August.

My FH and I have been together for over 4 years now, and I had never really had an issue with my in laws in the past. However, I have felt a real shift over the past 6 months, particularly from his mom. My fiancé has stood up for me to them and shared concerns that I have expressed to him. From what I understood, these conversations were met with positive reception and understanding. My fiancé has told me multiple times that he thinks I should sit down with my FIL and MIL and share my feelings because he was sure that they would be understanding and supportive. I shared that I was very uncomfortable with this, and felt it would make things worse. But, I was finding that things were really not changing even after the conversations my FH had, so I agreed to share my feelings at a sit down meeting last week.

The meeting started with my FIL sharing that we would now not have to sign the prenup he had requested 2 weeks ago (yes, that’s crazy but a long story) as they had thought about it and decided it was not necessary. I was appreciative of this as it is getting close to the wedding, and this was one more thing we really don’t have the time to do right. However, I shared that in the future, I expect that when there is a very important life altering decision to be made, we are sat down as an adult couple and told all of the information at the same time. I was met with my FIL saying “I told FH not to tell you about it.” This made me so upset because he was either telling my fiancé to keep secrets from me, which WE DO NOT DO!! Or, he was being dishonest with us at this meeting. I fully believe what my fiancé initially told me (his dad said to tell me at a good time and he could answer questions). When I challenged my in-laws about this, they just kept saying that there was no prenup now so not to worry about it. I pushed back lots and they still were not able to understand what I was saying about us being adult partners who must be treated as such.

My MIL then shared that if I had any other concerns, that they were open and willing to hear them and that they didn’t appreciate hearing concerns through my FH in the past.

This spring, there was an incident where my MIL went dress shopping for MOB and MOG dresses with my mom and I. We had a really nice day, both moms got dresses that they loved and it was a nice memory. However, about an hour after buying the dresses, my MIL had a total meltdown that she hated how the dress looked in a picture and she needed to return it immediately. We went back to the store, but it was closed, so she couldn’t return it. When I got home, I heard her tell my fiancé on speakerphone that she was upset because “my mom picked her dress so fast and she didn’t want us standing around waiting for her”. My mom and I went out of our way to make her feel welcome and to make sure she didn’t feel rushed, so to hear her say this to my fiancé, but never to my face, made me very hurt. I was not upset that she changed her mind, but rather that she took an awesome day and made it about her in a negative way. This event has had such a negative feeling for me ever since, and I have been so angry and hurt by her actions. I also made the decision that I couldn’t have a meltdown like this from her on my wedding day, so I had my fiancé tell her that she is not allowed to get ready with me on the wedding day.

I wrote all of my feelings on this situation out on a piece of paper and just read it out to her. While I was reading, she was throwing her head back, rolling her eyes, and sighing. When I was finished reading, she looked at me and said “all this over a dress? You’re making it sound like I just killed your dog. I’m allowed to change my mind.” She completely disregarded that my issue was not with the fact she changed her mind, but rather with the talking behind my back, and having an unreasonably sized meltdown. At no point did she apologize, and tried to deflect from the point of my statement.

I had shared in my statement that the trust would have to be earned back because I did not trust that she wouldn’t have a meltdown or talk behind my back, and my FIL looked at me and said “that’s horseshit, that is absolute horseshit. There is nothing about trust that needs to be earned back here.” At that point I felt incredibly deflated and attacked, I grabbed my sweater, shared that I would need some space, and told my fiancé it was time to go. We wrapped up the conversation and went home.

About 2 hours later, MIL texted me, FH, and FIL in a group chat saying she hoped now that the feelings were out in the air we could move on and forward. She also invited me to go for coffee in the next week or 2 to “get to know each other better.” I politely shared I appreciated them meeting with us, and was going to take some space as that is what felt right for me. She “liked” the message, and I moved on. However, she had now texted the same group chat very positive, random things every day since and it is making me very angry as I asked for space and time to process and heal. I am upset that no accountability has been taken, and she is just pretending that nothing happened.

I have no idea if I am overreacting, but I felt incredibly disrespected during that conversation, and that my concerns and feelings were completely disregarded and turned onto myself. It’s such a horrible feeling.