Hi everyone,
I’m 5 weeks postpartum and am looking for some advice as I am having such a hard time forgiving my MIL. It all started at the beginning of my pregnancy when she took it upon herself to announce my pregnancy in front of my boyfriend’s family before we were ready to do so… I was able to let that go as I understood she was excited, as my daughter is her first grand baby.
My entire pregnancy I did not want a lot of people in the hospital visiting after I had given birth. As it was my partner and I’s first time meeting our daughter and it was a such vulnerable time for me. So we both agreed just our parents would be allowed to visit until we got home.
In the delivery room I had my partner and my mom as support people because I am comfortable with both of them. Everyone else was supposed to wait until we invited them.
However, while I was in labor my MIL texted my boyfriend saying “I’m in the waiting room I couldn’t wait any longer” i wasn’t worried as I was in the labor and delivery unit which is a locked unit so I knew she wouldn’t be able to get in even though she had tried. I was hoping she would have gone home as it was late and I pushed for hours. Unfortunately that didn’t end up being the case.
During my delivery my daughter’s heart rate kept going down and back up so I had a vacuum assist delivery with a 2nd degree tear.
When I was moved to the postpartum floor I was in the bathroom constantly trying to pee at this point I wasn’t even thinking she was still there until I came out of the bathroom to see her holding my daughter. I was bleeding on the floor so swollen I couldn’t pee and in tears because of it all and she was there uninvited holding my daughter. Words cannot explain how angry and hurt I felt and continue to feel daily. After growing my daughter for 9 months I wanted time with her before anyone else. She was supposed to wait until WE INVITED HER. The following day both my parents visited and it was my dad’s first visit and first time meeting her when all of the sudden she showed up unannounced and uninvited again. Not only was i mad at her for showing up uninvited again but now she had ruined and rushed my dad’s first time meeting her. It didn’t stop when we came home either she kept showing up unannounced and uninvited. I actually had to tell her to please text or call even though being freshly postpartum with a newborn that should be common sense. And just last week she showed up again without letting either my partner or I know. I am literally so angry at her I could go on without seeing her ever again. It was my first time giving birth with my first baby and that was supposed to be my special moment. I was supposed to hold onto her until I was ready to share her with the world. I cannot believe how disrespectful and selfish she was to just show up. I am so hurt and I have no idea what to do.
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I’m botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
^(To be notified as soon as holly182021 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe holly182021 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
Why is your husband letting her in And not reminding her of the rules? And if he won’t, you tell her to go home and then have a come to Jesus talk with your spineless hubby.
I’m sorry you’ve experienced this. Lock the doors and do not let her in. Hopefully she will learn.
MIL shows up uninvited. DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR AND TELL MIL TO LEAVE.
You also need to setup boundaries and consequences for anything MIL does you don’t like. No second chance. Immediate consequences. Your MIL is only going to get worst (if that is even possible) if you don’t get MIL under control.
Sime of the things MIL did just completely ruined your FTM experience. Don’t let her get away with any more disrespect to you.
Also, time for som timeout for MIL. No visits or info about your baby for a period of time.
Sounds like MIL will throw a tantrum, let her. Not your problem.
If you and husband don’t get this under control, I suspect you will be posting on Reddit again with more tails of woe with MIL.
You don’t have to let her in. Open the door, tell her “I wish you had checked, now’s not a good time”, and close it in her face.
You don’t even have to open the door if you don’t want to. The previous statement applies in that scenario too. She sends angry texts, you respond with “You really should have asked first.”
Your feelings are completely valid this was your moment, and it sounds like your boundaries were ignored over and over again. It’s not just about one visit, it’s about trust and respect. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to carry that hurt while also healing and adjusting to new motherhood. Please know you’re not alone, and you have every right to protect your space and your baby
“I am literally so angry at her I could go on without seeing her ever again.”
Your DH needs to tell her this verbatim.
I’m So sorry your MIL is so selfish. 😠
She needs a LONG TIMEOUT. If she gets no consequences then this behavior will not change.
She should have been told to leave after her text about being in the waiting room. I know it is hard to speak up but you have a kid now. Time to stand up for your family.
Oh friend!!! I am so sorry!!!! You have every right to feel all the feelings over this! It’s such a hard time on the mom and I can’t believe she acted this way(actually I can because people are horrible!)
Your husband needs to shut her down asap!!! Hr needs to take control of her and set up boundaries with real consequences if she over steps!
Congratulations on your baby! You have plenty of bonding and cuddle time ahead of you….. she can’t ruin your relationship with your baby!!!
I’m so sorry OP that she completely invades your privacy.
I really think you need to have a discussion asap about this, you don’t want to wait too long because she will keep doing these things. If she keeps showing up I would let her know you will call the police unless she’s invited or asks ahead of time.
I believe some of this is also your partners fault, he needs to tell his mother no and stick up for your boundaries.
Talk to your partner and tell him how you’re feeling and put your foot down on your boundaries.
No more unannounced visits or short notice visits. I had the same rule but my MIL thought that calling my husband 10 minutes before she came was a loophole, it wasn’t but he still let her in.. first and last time that happened.
Talk to your partner about boundaries and consequences if they’re crossed.
If she shows up again, you do not let her in
“Oh sorry now’s not a good time, if you had messaged me I could’ve told you that, can you please message me like everyone else and I’ll arrange a suitable time for visits”
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and honestly I would too, you had a boundary and she broke it while you were very vulnerable.
If you feel comfortable enough, message her yourself to show her that she cannot walk all over you. What she did at the hospital was very disrespectful and has left you feeling like you cannot trust her.
This is abuse. She knew you said no, she knew your boundaries and she pushed straight past them and was holding your baby that you just birthed before you were ready and even had a chance to bond with your own baby?!!!
That is deeply violating! And her behaviour continues!!! Absolutely NO! She does not get to text you to inform you she’s coming by, or show up unannounced… she doesn’t even get to ask to visit. She must wait for an invitation!
Please please stand up for yourself, do not wait for your partner to do it, he’s already demonstrated he cannot support and protect you and your baby from his own mother. Send her a FIRM text. Send what you write to ChatGPT and it will right you a great response to lay down the law.
You do not open the door and do not let her in. No one comes over uninvited. Tell your husband I said it’s time to man up and honor the woman he made vows to. Hint – it’s not his mommy.
Where is your husband?? Why did he allow this? It’s his job to protect you, stay loyal to YOUR wishes, and deal with his own mother. He let you down.