Me (23) and my husband (31) have been together for about two years. We’ve been married for a few months now we just moved into our new home earlier this year, but he invited the mother-in-law (52) to live with us, and at this point it’s taking away from our life and a chance to start a potential family. He didn’t grow up with a dad just his mom, and she is obviously a narcissist (as someone who also has a narc mother, I don’t use the word lightly) and the emotional incest that I see and deal with is so appalling. The home he pays all the bills for, doesn’t even feel like our home. We have a 4 bedroom, 2 rooms upstairs, 2 rooms down. So we agreed to give MIL the downstairs rooms and the patio. So she has two rooms, then upstairs it’s our kitchen, living room, then me and my husbands room and my husbands office. I thought well at least we will have our own level basically. I was wrong. When we moved in, husband refused to buy much furniture being that MIL has a bunch of belongings, like almost hoarder level. The entire kitchen is full of her many Knick knacks and every possible type of dish/container you can think of. She constantly moves my things if I have literally anything outside our bedroom. she has her items in almost every single space in the home, including my husband‘s office, despite her having two bedrooms downstairs and a big patio. It just doesn’t make sense for her to constantly need to be upstairs. She even goes out on our balcony often, which is supposed to be our space given she has a patio twice as big downstairs ! I also wanna mention that her long-term boyfriend is living with us as well. He doesn’t have a job. Luckily she does have a job but lately I’ve noticed she’s never going to work and I think it’s because she thinks my husband is gonna take care of her forever. He’s telling me he’s broke meanwhile he’s paying all of this mortgage with no help and she’s buying $5000 fridges going on vacation taking a bunch of extra days off of work. Keep in mind she’s only 52 and she’s lead him to believe that she’s so old and sick and has heart problems that she obviously doesn’t have to manipulate him so he will take care of her. She doesn’t care if that means he won’t be able to have the family that he wants. he even told me that She probably is trying to make me leave him by being so insufferable and I just don’t know how I’m going to go on in this relationship for long-term if this keeps happening. We’ve been trying for a baby and at this point before that even happens I need to make sure that she’s going to eventually leave and get her own place and if that means that he has to help her do it fine. he can’t be taking care of her, me and a potential family. She is so demanding of his constant attention and is constantly blowing up his phone every day, especially if he’s out with me and I just find it uncomfortable. Now that she’s never working it scares me that she’s going to retire 10+ years early to live off my husband. She is literally in the kitchen from the time she gets off work at 6 until 10-12 at night. I have to wait to make dinner sometimes because she won’t go downstairs. And on her days off it’s like she’s out there all day to the point that I’m hiding in my room all day. My husband thinks I’m being dramatic and I don’t know how to make him understand how unfair this is to not only me but potential children. And if she continues to stay here, it will lead to divorce.
Please if anyone has any advice or share a similar story please let me know.
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Stop having sex with him! Tell him no nookie until mommy leaves. I’m deadly serious. Don’t have a kid with this guy, he’s a fucking baby himself! Who TF moves their 52 year old mother in with them after getting married?!! I’m 49 btw, have my own place , pay my own bills and have ZERO desire to live with my kid!! This situation is not normal and will only end in tears and heartbreak for you!
You need to kick them the fuck out and get your life back. This is unacceptable!
You are young. I would cut my losses and leave. He will never not support his mom. Even if she leaves she will still be in your loves for the next 30 plus years.
29 year old getting together with a 21 year old? yeah that’s an issue.
Just ewww!
DH needs to get his head straight and understand that this is not acceptable.
She’s basically taken over your home, and is crowding you out.
I’d make it very clear that as things are, one of the two of you is leaving, and she’s not gone by X date, you’re out.
I know that sounds harsh, but if you don’t take a hard stand, the rest of your life is going to be like this, and it will get worse as she gets more comfortable with her unchallenged dominance in the household.
Annulment!
Don’t have kids with this guy until you get a move out date .
> Me (23) and my husband (31)
No offense, but… yikes. An age span like this immediately makes me worry about control issues.
> he invited the mother-in-law (52) to live with us
Were you asked to have a third party living in your marital home? Or was this his decision?
> husband refused to buy much furniture being that MIL has a bunch of belongings
Why does he get the final say?
> My husband thinks I’m being dramatic
So he doesn’t care that you feel uncomfortable in your own home and wants you to just play along so he gets what he and mommy wants?
> And if she continues to stay here, it will lead to divorce.
Tell him exactly this. Or just go ahead with it because I’m sorry to say that it feels inevitable.
> We’ve been trying for a baby
Why?? If he can’t make you a priority, can you expect him to make his children a priority?
The fact that she can’t even be happy with her two rooms and a patio is ridiculous, even though ideally she needs to go since she is the extended family now. She is so selfish it’s unbelievable. Decorating YOUR home and taking down the decorations that you put up in YOUR home is so out of pocket! Your husband needs a wake up call. Please show him these comments so he knows that he’s married to you and not mommy and normal people see the problem here.
Don’t have kids till you evict the 50+ year old one. If you have a baby you give your husband and his mom all the cards.
Do not get pregnant. Walk out. You will never be the wife, only the housemaid. Leave them to their incestuous arrangement.
This may be bad advice, but I’d do my best to take back your home. She spends all her time in your areas? Take over hers. She moved your stuff, move hers. Tell her you’re using the kitchen at X time ahead of time so when she will try to use it then as well, she can’t cry to your husband. If you don’t have much invested in her but want to stay with your husband, fight fire with fire. It sounds exhausting and I don’t know if I’d have the fortitude to do it, but I also don’t know what else would work. The only way to fight a bully is to stand up to them,
Moved his mother in AND her long term boyfriend? So she has help and shouldn’t need your husband anymore. Even if she has a medical issue, what’s husband supposed to do about it if he works?
Your MIL is taking advantage of your husband. She’s basically taken over the house. She’ll be hard to convince to move out and husband seems set on her living there.
Hopefully, you’ll be able to make your husband understand the issues your MIL is deliberately causing and her likely intentions.
However, even if your current situation is resolved, you will likely always have a MIL problem. Please defer trying for kids for at least a few years. This will give your MIL time to try out more attacks and give you and your husband time to develop better methods for dealing with her.
You might ask your husband if he wants marriage and a family with you or to support his mother and her bf for what could be another 40 years.
You might also point out that if his mother genuinely wanted him to be happy, she would be trying to get along with you and not chasing you out of every room in your home.
If your husband sees things for how they are, I’d suggest you both talk to your MIL about the following:
Financially contributing towards the house expenses – not just buying what she wants. This should start after a month’s notice.
Either give her an end date for moving out or specify that her living with you is part of a trial period & she’ll have to move out if things don’t improve.
Specify what parts of your home she can access and how. Make it clear that the kitchen is a shared space and that if she continues to monopolize it, she’ll be limited to a specific time for using it. Other living spaces she should enter and use only when she is explicitly asked to do so by one of you.
Remove any of her furniture and all other items from “your” spaces. Give her a short period to remove them to outside storage or to completely get rid of them. In shared space – like your kitchen, divide cabinets and refrigerator as you wish. Encourage her to keep a fridge with drinks and snacks and set up a tea or coffee station within her space.
you are a married maid, and your so-called husband is more concerned about his mommy than you.
don’t get pregnant. get an exit in place and leave him.
You are young. Find someone who will, put you first and respect you.
Tell him that if his Mom likes the upstairs so much, her and her bf can move up there with him, and you’ll take the downstairs and patio.
Do not have children in this situation, it will not be the pregnancy or motherhood you deserve and you’ll regret that. Honestly this is such a mess, it may actually take you moving out to get his attention. She is not your real problem, he is. She could be gone tomorrow if he said so. Everything else is on hold until this situation with her is resolved. Yes I know that means putting your life on hold but I promise you’ll be glad you did.
Don’t get pregnant. Your baby will become her baby and he will be fine with that.
Absolutely DO show him these comments. So he knows we all think he’s a Mommy’s boy. It is idiotic to think she will ever leave – she will never leave willingly. Why is he also supporting her boyfriends? Boyfriend sounds like a freeloader, he will be stuck with him for life too unless he acts soon and throws them both out. His mother is absolutely going to quit her job soon – if she hasn’t already. This is your hill to die on… Good luck!!
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Please leave him and do NOT have a child with him. There’s a reason why people his own age don’t want him. I think he’s taking advantage of you.
I’m 55. I have degenerative spine disease, Lupus and other health issues. I mow my lawn, do grocery shopping, DIY projects around the house ( I’m a widow). And anything that needs to be done.
Mil is a mooch, her bf is a mooch and both are an embarrassment.
You will never have a life of your own because those two are going to take advantage and bleed your husband dry.
You have major decisions to make. In the meantime all her crap goes into her space or storage that she pays for. Because right now you are living in what she sees as her house and husband has no spine.
See a divorce lawyer and see what that will look like. It will help you decide what to do.
As a last ditch attempt if you want to try and save things you can 2 card your husband. One for a divorce lawyer and one for therapy.
Stop trying for a baby. Tell him why. I’d tell him he has 2 weeks to come up with a solid plan for them to leave or you’ll be planning your exit.
She is his wife.
You are the bangmaid.
Do you want that for a lifetime?
Stop trying to get pregnant, get some kind of birth control he can’t tamper with (the arm implant, shot, IUD etc). Age differences like yours aren’t always a red flag, but combined with other factors makes you wonder whether he pursued such a young woman wanting someone he could manipulate and trap in his and his mommy’s life plan.
TTWMO and for the love of Hecate don’t get preganté.
This behavior didn’t happen over night. Surely you were aware of this mother son dynamic before you married him. He knows what she’s like but invited her to live with you anyway. Stop trying to have a baby unless you are willing to be a single mother because they are not going to change.
Did he even discuss her moving in with you before you guys moved into your house? Also, I find the age gap between you 2 along with the power dynamic troubling. I think you’re in a no-win situation personally. He’s already married to his mother and you’re the sidepiece.
Oh honey, you are just a baby. You are way too young to be dealing with crap like this. You need to leave, like yesterday. Is this the life you want? You are an intruder in your own family. What happens when you have a baby? It will be their baby. You will be even more of an outsider. He is already married to his mom, and you will Never have a say in anything, your marriage, your home, your child, Anything!!!
This mommy/baby man duo is not ever going to get better. It will get worse. DON’T get pregnant. And start working on your escape plan. Leave this nightmare behind. And live a beautiful life. You deserve a better life than this.
Why on earth did she need to move in with you? She’s 52, that’s just three years older than me. She’s not infirm, poorly. DO NOT even consider having children with her son unless she moves out (which I can’t see happening based on your husband). It’s time to say it’s her or me.
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It will get worse once the baby comes. For me, it was during pregnancy with covert narcissism and backhanded “advice.” My experiences as a wife and mother have been hijacked.
If this is how he is during the honeymoon phase it will only get worse the more ‘tied’ to him you become. I’d go back to my parents house and stay there until he pulls his head out or you find a good lawyer for divorce/annulment.