I am 7 months pregnant with my first and both our families have been super supportive about it. My MIL told my husband that she is converting his old room into a nursery. Initially, I thought this was nice- our baby would have a place to sleep and play when she’s with her grandparents. But he gave me more details to their conversation. She is buying a brand new crib set, stroller and car seat just for her home. My husband and I were planning our baby items and were thinking that when we purchase a stroller, car seat and a play/sleep pen that would be interchangeable between our family and all the grandparents ( we thought this was normal since all my friends and sister have done this as well)
Might be my pregnancy hormones but this bothers me since they haven’t gotten anything for us/our baby like my parents (or friends parents have done for my friends). I don’t expect them to get us anything since we both have jobs and can get these things ourselves but my parents have helped us with some baby things to make it easier on us and their grand-baby. I guess maybe she’s really excited? I don’t know. My parents are excited but won’t be setting up a nursery of their own, they rather give us some extra items so they can use them too if needed. I just think it’s odd that she’s getting a full blown nursery and baby gear set up. We live outside of the city so our baby might not be staying overnight often. She’s also only had boys and we’re having a baby girl and she always tells me she’s happy I’m giving her a girl (which also slightly bothers me, but that’s another story!). Maybe it’s just me and all these things are just bothering me. I’m not really sure how to react to this.
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You are not overreacting. I get being excited but this is your baby not hers. She’s going to saying “our baby/my baby”. Then, when the baby doesn’t sleep over often, she will try to guilt trip you about the unused nursery. You need your husband to nip that in the bud.
She could just be excited, she could be anticipating that she’ll have baby more than you’re comfortable, or she could just be trying to make it easier for you to have doubles.
I know that an infant seat going between cars is easy, but a convertible car seat is a more involved install. We’re still not comfortable with my in-laws installing our 3 year olds car seat themselves. Mostly because the one time we did they turned her forward facing. But that’s a combo of outdated advice and what they saw as something harmless.
Anyways, if it’s giving you bad vibes just remember that you don’t have to take or leave your baby there. But if you’d like then there will be a safe place for baby to nap. Just make sure you and husband are on the same page about baby not doing overnights there without you, how much time you’ll spend there, etc
“MIL, I’m concerned you’re going to such effort and expense with all of this when baby won’t be staying over away from us. It might be better to save that money.”
I think it’s weird. You could have your husband say something and/or just let her waste her money. Not your problem.
“Might be my pregnancy hormones but this bothers me since they haven’t gotten anything for us/our baby like my parents (or friends parents have done for my friends).”
—It isn’t you. It is them. This situation is brought up here often. MIL has baby rabies and plans to have a bunch of sleepovers or longer stretches without you. Have you husband clarify that isn’t happening now which will be easier that if done later.
Your MIL expects your baby to sleep over a few nights a week without you. MIL wants alone time, husband needs to shut this down quickly.
Nope! Not overreacting – it feels like it sets an expectation that your daughter will be there more often or staying overnight alone (not sure if you’re okay with that or not). If you have an okay relationship with her otherwise, you could let her know “hey a pack n play would be a better gift because then we can use it at your house and others’” or “hey if you get a stroller we would love to keep it at our house and make sure to bring it whenever we come”.
My parents live 4+ hours away and bought/borrow things when we come to make it easier on us, not because there’s any expectation!
I can relate a bit with you though, my MIL bought a car seat and DIDN’T TELL US because she expected we’d be like her when she had kids and just drop our son off with her for the weekend whenever we felt like it! (She lives 3 hours away). She gifted it to us with the comment of “since I guess I won’t be needing it” 🙃
You can feel however you want to feel. Validate your feelings.
It is very odd for her to set up her own nursery at her house if she is not going to be acting as a daycare provider for you.
The nursery with crib will be used what, a couple times a year maybe? What a huge waste of money. And super huge over expectation of what life might be with the grandbaby.
I would confront her directly. Possibly:
“I’m glad you’re so excited to have a (new?/first?) grandbaby. You know I will be breastfeeding though right? I’m not sure there are likely to be many overnights for baby that would need a crib due to that.”
Or “I’m sure we’ll visit together as we’re able and the crib can be used for some naps possibly. But, please don’t feel like you need to spend a lot of money. Baby can use our travel pack n play for any naps during our visits.”
Emphasis on “our visits” to start reinforcing that baby isn’t just going to be hanging with her alone all the time.
Or “Please don’t feel you need to spend all that money. A room with space for a pack n play is plenty as baby will not be doing overnight visits until she is older.”
Or, some sort of comment about how you do plan to care for baby. Will you be staying home? Doing daycare? Etc. Make some reminder comment off hand about this.
Edit: I am assuming that you are not planning for her to be a frequent caretaker in how you wrote this. So it’s primarily unnecessary for her to have all these big ticket items. A few toys and blankets and diapers, sure. An open space to change the baby and setup a pack n play, sure. Those things are helpful for a visit.
Without knowing previous history, it’s hard to say. On the one hand, she could just be trying to make your life easier. If you’ve never installed an infant car seat, you may not realize how much of a giant pita it can be to move them around, and if you plan to let her take baby often, it will be a genuine help not to have to move it. Same with a crib setup and and a stroller, especially if she has mobility issues or other preferences that are different enough from yours (like if she wants to make sure the weight of the stroller is under a certain limit but doesn’t want to impose restrictions on you that might make it dramatically more expensive.)
If my parents wanted to do that, I’d have no issues with it. They are responsible, respect our rules and requests, and treat our children with firm kindness. I never have to worry about them giving my kids surprise gifts or making it to school on time if they sleep over. It’s not just because they are my parents; they just respect us. Even if we have rules they don’t agree with, they are good about following it, and if something comes up they will ask our opinion.
On the other hand, if it were my MIL who was doing that, I would feel weird about it. I can guarantee that she’d buy matching sets from some name brand (like if freaking Chanel made baby items she’d get it from them just to have the name on the stuff; she’s very brand-conscious), it would be regularly pointed out how nice her stuff is in comparison to ours, and I would worry about her taking my kid. She is not responsible, takes rules as very light and up to her personal discretion whether to follow them, does not believe in deadlines or timelines, spoils them rotten… it’s so stressful ever letting her babysit my littles.
So yeah. On its face, I wouldn’t say it’s an automatic weird thing to do, but in context, it could be off putting.
From the outside, without knowing anything about her, it looks to me like she is planning on having your baby all the time. Better nip this expectation in the bud.
She’s thinking she’s gonna have overnights right out of the gate. And you’re not giving HER anything.
She’s thinking that baby’s hers girl. She’s thinking she’s going to get to play mommy to the girl she never had. Get ready. Buckle in. Slam that brake!