My relationship with my MIL pre-baby was good. She was supportive of our relationship and while she had some overbearing tendencies, it wasn’t anything bad enough to really bug me. She is definitely a little obsessed with DH and it’s clear he is her favourite of her two children (her first born is a daughter). Anyways, again, it wasn’t anything that really mattered to me or affected me.
She began to act weird the moment we announced our pregnancy. First, her reaction wasn’t happy like everyone else’s which seemed odd but I wrote it off as her being really surprised. Soon after the announcement, she began dropping in how she’s going to come stay with us for a few weeks after I give birth. For context, my own mom has passed, so I initially considered it. Eventually I decided that I’d like those early weeks to be just us as a family, unless we change our minds and really need the help. She didn’t like that and pointed out that the family thought it was “weird” that we didn’t want the help. I think this was the onset of her spiral.
After we had our baby 4 months ago, we ended up going to the emergency room when the baby was just 5 days old because our pede was worried he had a staph infection (it turned out fine). This really set off huge anxiety in me about germs and sickness because the visit to the ER was really invasive for our poor little baby. So we told everyone that we weren’t sure if we want anyone holding him for the first few weeks of life to be extra cautious. This resulted in my MIL sending DH a huge novel of an email, in which she called us helicopter parents, said that it “hurts her” that we think they are dangerous to the baby, and also threw in MY dad, saying that there better not be different rules for him otherwise the FIL will never forgive us (?!?! Why would there be different rules?!?).
They proceeded to come over a few days after the hospital visit, and I was very weak from labour, sleep deprivation, hormones, and our ER visit so I didn’t come down to hang out, just said hi and that’s it. I could hear MIL downstairs asking why I’m not coming down and telling DH that I should move around more (he yelled at her for this). When DH told them I’m doing the 5-5-5 (5 days in bed, 5 days in bed, 5 days near bed) as recovery, she laughed and said that back in her day they just got in with it. I felt very sad then because since my own mom is gone, I was counting on a little bit of warmth and empathy from my MIL but in that moment I just felt so sad and lonely. For me this is when I stopped feeling like my in laws were MY family too.
Cut to a few months later, the in-laws were over and FIL kissed our baby on the cheek. I asked my husband to remind them not to kiss him (I guess maybe the fact that we now allowed them to hold him without masks made them think kissing was okay), so he sent them a message in the family chat about it. This prompted another super long angry email, where MIL said that we are being dumb, that me going to a mommy group once a week exposes my baby to more illness than them kissing, and that she might still “accidentally” kiss him because she can’t help her maternal instinct and to not to get “pissed” if she does.
I also came across another email she sent DH a month ago that he never told me about (didn’t want to throw fuel on the fire I guess), where the MIL wrote how she gets that MIL and DIL relationships are tough to navigate, but that she’s worried that once FIL dies she’s gonna be all alone in a retirement home with no visitors (her own dad is in a retirement home and she’s been chatting to some of the residents there that don’t get visitors). I was so shocked to read this because I didn’t understand why I was being roped into this irrational fear all of a sudden. I’ve never once had a negative interaction with her and all the baby boundary communication has been strictly through DH, and he’s always made sure to say this is how WE feel, not just me.
There’s been some other things have happened that bugged me, such as insisting on coming to the hospital after I gave birth even though I really didn’t want visitors, repeatedly saying that daddy is baby’s favourite etc.
Basically, what should we do in this scenario?? I’m feeling like DH needs to nip things in the bud better and not allow his mom to be barraging him with these super intense emails at a time that we need support, not more stress. I also fear this is just the beginning of everything, and that this is going to become the norm.
I know this isn’t as bad as some of the posts I’ve read but it’s been really upsetting me and I’m finding that I now do not want to leave my baby with them (they keep offering to babysit, and we have a wedding coming up..). How should we proceed to repair the distrust and lack of closeness I now feel towards them?
Thank you for your advice!!
Edited for typos and a few details.
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If she’s saying she’s going to accidentally kiss him then I suggest you reinstitute the rule for both of them to wear masks around your baby.
Please don’t worry about “my post isn’t as bad as others” – this isn’t a pain competition, and the way you feel is completely valid.
It sounds like your partner has your back, so in my mind, your next step is to lay clear boundaries (it sounds like she communicates via email, which will give you a nice clear paper trail to reference). Explain your rules (no kissing the baby) and the consequences you will enforce if she doesn’t comply (I will take the baby back from you and you will be asked to leave immediately). Remember that boundaries are controlling YOUR actions, not hers.
Remember that you and your baby’s peace comes first. She is a grown woman and if she can’t handle her emotions, that’s not on you. Stay strong, you got this!
ETA: don’t let them babysit. You already know she’s going to break every rule.
You’re under reacting. Have him tell her that if she can’t “help her maternal instincts” and not kiss your baby, even though baby can get very sick or die from her selfish need to kiss them, then she can’t hold your baby at all. And you don’t want her opinions regarding your rules and boundaries for your baby
Her entitlement and her being so disrespectful would honestly be enough for me to go no contact for now. If she can’t respect your parenting decisions, she shouldn’t have access to baby at all. Being a grandparent is not a right, it’s a privilege.
OP, this is not the Misery Olympics. Your internet aunties are here for whatever concerns you have!
From DH to MIL: “Mom, I have had enough of you disparaging OP and inventing reasons to be upset with her. Do not complain to me about my wife again. OP and I make parenting decisions together. The boundaries that have been communicated to you come from US, not from her, and I fully support them.
If you are worried about your relationship with my family, it would be in your best interest to stop challenging and criticizing our parenting decisions. We are entitled to make these choices for our family and do not need your permission or approval. At a time when we most needed support, we were met with criticism and pressure. Your constant rebukes and pushiness are unwarranted and exhausting and naturally weaken our relationship.
Rebuilding trust and closeness will be difficult, but if you begin now and are diligent about changing your behaviors we can preserve the bond between us and build on it.
These are my feelings and reflections. You may not agree with them, but they are not yours to change. I will not entertain argument about them. You can either change your behaviors, or not. If you don’t, you can expect that we will spend less time together and be less involved.”
I’d say go back to not letting her hold the baby if she just can’t help herself and will kiss baby. Also, she’s not the baby’s mother, so she can deal with her own “maternal” instincts. If her maternal instincts are to chew out her son and send email rants then they’re not very good instincts anyway.
ETA-I’d take a time out until she can cool her jets and then do less frequent visits. She needs to tone it down. She needs to be told to leave if she is rude or kisses baby or breaks another boundary. Or you leave if it’s outside your home. Then take a time out after. Longer time between visits each time she screws up.
Your DH needs to tell her if she doesn’t back tf off right NOW and stay in her own lane from now on, she will be the direct cause of her “worst fear” coming true. He has to tell her in no uncertain terms that her refusal to abide by your boundaries for YOUR child and her constant whining and criticisms will definitely result in her spending her remaining years watching nicer people getting visits from their loved ones while she eats at the “elderly orphan” table at the nursing home. Scare the crap out of her BEFORE she becomes completely unbearable (because she’s on the way to that right now).
She IS going to be all alone in a retirement home if she doesn’t pull herself together and behave normally. She’s quickly earning a lengthy timeout and DH needs to be clear with her that she is overstepping.
What she doesn’t understand is that her opinions do not matter; she can offer unsolicited advise but she needs to drop the expectation that it will be taken.
DH needs to reign her in and clearly set the tone of what behavior will and will not be tolerated. This isn’t your problem to solve.
Your MIL’s behavior is toxic. She’s disrespecting your boundaries and stressing you out when you need support. Your husband needs to set clear boundaries with his mom and prioritize your family’s needs. Have an open conversation with him about how her actions are affecting you and your baby. He should be more direct with his mom about what’s not okay.
I could have wrote this about my own MIL!
All communication goes through DH too but she somehow thinks it’s me and probably thinks I’m putting things into his head. Most of it is his idea! They automatically think it’s us because in their eyes, their sons can do no wrong. Congrats on the baby and please look after yourself, f everyone else ❤️
Your MIL’s behavior is textbook narcissistic – guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and disregarding boundaries. DH needs to set clear, firm boundaries and enforce them. No more coddling her fragile ego. You both need to prioritize your family’s well-being over her expectations.
“Yes MIL, I will be pissed if you kiss the baby when I’ve expressly told you not to. It’s a very simple thing to follow in order to keep the baby more safe. We’ve heard your opinion on the matter, and we, along with our doctor think it’s the best course of action. “
“On another note, we don’t know what the future holds, but if you don’t want to be left alone with nobody to visit in a nursing home, perhaps it’s a good idea to stop criticizing the people you’d like to come visit you. We are the ones who are parenting now, and you don’t have to like our choices, but you DO have to respect and follow them if you’d like to continue to have a relationship with us”.
A couple things I see in here. She has already stated her intention to ignore the rule about kissing the baby. As a result, she no longer gets to hold the baby. If she won’t follow the rules, she faces consequences.
Second, she has a tendency to fly off the handle whenever she perceives anything as criticism. You need to deal with that fast, because it’ll only get worse. My suggestion would be an immediate cancellation of any visits for the next week, followed by a reiteration of the rules. She can either accept the rules, or she doesn’t get to participate.
Third, the attempts to use guilt to manipulate you two. You need to call her out on them every time. If she starts about being alone in a nursing home, tell her that her current behavior is only going to accelerate that. Nothing takes the wind out of their sails like someone agreeing with their self depreciation.
Your MIL’s playing emotional hostage with the “poor me” act while bulldozing boundaries. DH needs to grow a spine and shut down those email tirades fast, this isn’t “tough navigating,” it’s entitlement dressed as concern. Babysitting? Not until they respect your rules. Repair trust? Only if they start respecting you. Otherwise, keep your guard up.
” feeling like DH needs to nip things in the bud better and not allow his mom to be barraging him with these super intense emails”
He can’t really control what emails she sends him. Actually, he can’t change her behavior at all, he can only change how you react to them.
Did he give any consequences for kissing? Like taking the baby away? Try to get on the same page about consequences for boundary stomps.
You don’t have to make it about his parents, make it about the boundaries. “Whenever someone does x, we will respond by doing y.”
Then follow through.
Spin everything as a positive, and interpret everything in the most positive possible light. Tell her, and tell everyone else you know, how sincerely you appreciate her being honest with you you – she said she thought she might slip and do something rhat could put baby’s health at risk! How mature of MIL to understand your worries and acknowledge that to you, so you would know she can’t hold baby until baby’s health is more robust. Etc. basically, attribute every positive emotion that you can to her and thank her for giving you the information you need to parent well.
I have no advice, but I feel you and feel sad for you. I know how it feels and the way you described the moment of realizing that the inlaws is not your family after…Oufh, hit home here. Big hug!