MIL threw a text tantrum because I won’t play pretend.

I’m so annoyed. My MIL thinks that we’re besties, that everything is ALL BETTER NOW despite never showing an ounce of remorse for how she treated me during my pregnancy and postpartum.

For context please see previous posts but basically, despite their disrespect, I’ve stayed polite and civil in person. I just have completely given up and grieved that I will never have a relationship with them. I am just an occasional DIL avatar. I go to the occasional birthdays and holiday as a favour to my husband. I simply refuse to play pretend beyond that and I don’t want direct text contact with her. Showing up at these events in once thing but I want to keep their intrusions into my daily life to the strict minimum. She’s the kind of person who needs constant daily chatter like sending sunset pictures, random musings. Plus, the family chats can get tense and dramatic because that’s how this family functions. Removing myself from direct contact with my husband’s side of the family this past year was the best thing I ever did. My MIL is blocked since she couldn’t respect a few simple requests like not adding me to group chats. DH fully supports this and is the point of contact for anything related to his family.

Here’s the backstory but again see more details in prior posts: I haven’t been in direct contact with her since last year, when FIL (her husband) called me fat while I was 8 months pregnant and mocked my body and to make matter worse my MIL shamed me for my reaction to this verbal attack: she told me I was unreasonable and dramatic for wanting to go home after that and made me out to be the problem to the rest of the family. Afterward, she swept under the rug, never addressed the incident with me and repeatedly added me to family chats, even though my husband told her I don’t want to participate which lead me to block. Then at Easter, she threw a fit because she didn’t have my phone number and couldn’t reach me “in case of a death.” So, against my better judgment, we gave her my number for emergencies only. Of course she couldn’t respect that.

We’ve had a relatively calm few months with no incidents, but of course there’s always something we can never let our guard down since even the other DIL who is a dream of a DIL (does everything and beyond what an ideal DIL would do) they throw her under the bus as soon as she deviates 1mm. So, of course we can never let our guard down.

Recently, she sent me a happy birthday message. Of course when I saw it my stomach flipped and I was annoyed but I decided it wouldn’t ruin the great day I was having. I just deleted it and didn’t even bring it up to my husband. A week later she created a group chat with me DH and herself to send a name day greeting for our baby. DH saw it first and was in shock because he’s told her many times that I won’t participate in any group chats. He shut it down politely, thanked her for the greeting and reminded her to message him directly, and changed the subject to something light. Cue meltdown.

She sent him a novel whining about how she “can’t understand why she can’t text me,” how it’s “weird and unfair,” asking, “Doesn’t she want to be part of our family???” (LOL). She even threw in “stick to the truth”, implying my husband is lying because he won’t break our boundary for her. After getting no response, she tried to soften it by sending photos of old furniture we already said no to and cracking jokes to pull him back in and gloss over her tantrum.

Here’s the thing: On the surface, this all seems innocuous because wishing someone a happy birthday is a nice gesture on paper. But this is exactly how my MIL functions. She disguises her control and manipulation tactics through gift-giving, favor-banking, and superficial “nice” gestures. It’s all about maintaining access, pulling strings, and keeping herself in the center of our lives under the guise of “kindness” and appearing as the perfect grandmother and mother.

What really gets me is how gendered this bullshit is. My husband doesn’t text my parents, and nobody cares. He still has a good relationship with them and they like him just fine. But I am expected to perform emotional labor, keep up the small talk, and hand over constant access to my time and energy just so she can feel like family? Nah.

She doesn’t want a real relationship she just wants control. And the second you don’t play along exactly how she expects, you’re “weird,” “rejecting family”, “cold”. I am the villain in her story for having basic boundaries.

Anyway, just venting here because I know you all get it. We’re sticking to ignoring the guilt trips and maintaining our peace but the entitlement is unreal.