…. Twice.
My husband and I just recently put our toddler in pre-school. My MIL told us multiple times they would pay for the tuition. And, it’s important to note here that our in laws have a trust for their grandkids specifically for education. They are millionaires, so it’s not like this pre school tuition is going to affect them at all, and they have already paid for their other grandchild’s preschool.
The day comes to sign all the papers, and make decisions on how tuition is broken up. I text MIL the options. She tells us last second, that they are no longer going to cover the full tuition. The will only cover the days my toddler has a butt in the seat. My plan is 3 or 4 days out of the week, but we don’t know because this is his first time, and we have no idea how it’ll go so we are easing into it. Tuition is one set price (MIL knew this). We believe she didn’t communicate with FIL that we didn’t plan on sending our kid everyday. She just repeatedly told us they would cover whatever it costs, happily!
We even had a conversation about the school with FIL, where he made a rude remark about it. We not only have been told multiple times they would be “more than happy” to cover his education, they have actively discouraged us from saving for it ourselves! This is the latest in a pattern of financial control tactics my in-laws have used on us, but those are for another story time.
My husband and I are confused and upset. He politely lets them know we will not be needing the 3/5 offer, and we will cover it. (We don’t want to play this game with them, guessing if they’ll do what they say, and then feeling like they are trying to control how we raise our kid.- we don’t say this).
THIS is when hell breaks loose. My MIL starts freaking out- how could she possibly tell FIL that we are turning it down?? We have to help her keep the peace at home. She then uses all of her willpower to get us to take the offer. She says she’ll pay us on the side. She says she can’t sleep, she’s been crying for days over it.
My husband doesnt budge, and I’m proud of him.
My FIL is a total jerk, and we have all been forced to play nice around him so we don’t rock the boat. He’s called my husband names, continually made rude remarks about our toddler’s size, and rude remarks about every big life decision we have ever made. So I think this was the straw that broke the camel’s back for my husband.
Then comes the slay of texts from my FIL (his stepdad) calling my husband an asshole (I guess for causing MIL & FIL to disagree?- it’s not clear), saying he won’t be receiving any inheritance. He sends my husband a coded message about how excited he is to watch our son while we are out of the country. After this, we decided not to send our son to their house, because it doesn’t feel safe anymore.
This SENT my MIL.
My MIL calls my husband out of the blue and asks if he has a pen.
She then proceeds to go through all of the times they have helped us financially with bogus dollar amounts, and adding times they never even helped us 😂. She proceeds to tell my husband he is causing her and FIL to get a divorce! Because we turned down their money? When we accepted money earlier in the year (her portion of an Airbnb) and she made smart comments about it and gave me the cold shoulder!
This is my MIL second marriage and she told my husband when he was in MIDDLE SCHOOL the same thing when she was divorcing his dad.
She was a total witch at my wedding, and it’s been almost nine years since. It’s taken us that long to finally get to a normalish relationship. But, now, I am no longer speaking to her.
And she will not see our son for a long time. I believe the things she told my husband while all of this was unfolding were in an effort to hurt him. She’s always played the victim and been emotionally manipulative.
I have no idea if they are actually getting a divorce or not. She did send us a non-apology saying we weren’t blameless and that we retaliated by taking our son away from her. LOL!
My husband has since talked to her via text (he has softened) about meeting up in person to clear the air (her request). This was a couple of weeks ago, and my heart hasn’t softened at all.
She also deactivated all of her social media accounts. 😂
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Your poor husband, he’s been through a lot with her. Any chance he would agree to couples counseling? That might help him understand that he doesn’t need to soften his stance, and that every time he does, she gains a little ground. Learning how to set an enforced boundaries is important with someone like his mother.
Financial gifts with strings attached aren’t gifts, they’re control.
Most people are trying not to rock the boat. You and your husband are out here arming torpedoes. Take pride in that.
I would not accept a dime from them. They will forever see you as children and will attempt to control you as such if you accept. I think you’re doing the right thing by creating distance and paying your own way. Don’t let them pay for so much as a dinner. It’s clear that they believe that they’ve bought you and they think you’re somehow dependent on them.
My mother told me the same thing when I was having a social anxiety induced panic attack about going to school when I was a freshman in highschool. I’ve never forgotten. I have no advice, really, but I’m replying in solidarity. It took a long time for me to realize that my mother doesn’t see me as a whole entire person with feelings and to just drop the rope. Hopefully your husband will see her completely for who she is.
What do you mean by “a coded message”?
Why do you guys continue to have a relationship with these people? If it’s about the money, it’s not worth it.
My grandma tried to dangle my inheritance in front of my face when she couldn’t get her way with me. I told her I don’t need your money, my peace is worth a lot more.
I’m really impressed with you and your husband seeing the manipulation and crazy right off the bat and walking away. It’s not easy to do. It sounds like not being involved financially or logistically with them is the most peaceful way to live.
If they wanted to pay for it, they would have called the school and took care of it.
The sinister way in which the FIL said he couldn’t wait to access your son, gave me chills.
Husband could do whatever the fuck he wanted with HIS relationship to these people but me and my kid would not be participating.
Neither his egg donor or SF are people I’d want to teach my kid is safe to love and trust. Look at how MIL treats her own kid??
She will absolutely not be nicer to yours than she is to her own.
It’s not retaliation to keep your son away, it’s protection. If she could blame her own son for the drama in her marriages, one day she might blame her own grandson for whatever drama she’s creating.
Yikes. Your JN in-laws could write the manual on emotional blackmail. What air is there to clear? This is a straightforward case of over promise under deliver and resort to threats to manipulate the outcome.
DH needs to walk out of the Fear, Obligation, & Guilt and inform mom he’s taking care of himself & his family, so she can keep her $ as all future gifts will be refused. Oh she feels rejected? Too bad, so sad.
The message about watching your son is terrifying. Please, OP, if things cool down and there’s some kind of makeup between everyone…please remember that moment.
Good on your husband for holding firm against these maniacal parents!
I’d he meets to “clear the air” he needs to go alone.
Ok, but your kid is never there unsupervised again. It clearly is not safe.
I think moving forward it is critical for you and your husband to stop sharing any major or life decisions the two of you are making. This only gives your ILs the opportunity to make commentary on them and try to control them, especially your FIL.
Warn your husband nothing good is going to come of that meeting with his mom. She clearly doesn’t accept any responsibility for her actions and she’s going to guilt your husband into thinking the two of you have done something wrong. He has a bit of a spine but it’s not a steel one yet so don’t be surprised if he comes home talking about considering taking the money. If he goes to that meeting he needs to be prepared to lay down some boundaries with her, let her know the consequences of overstepping them and be ready to enforce them when she inevitably does overstep.
Sounds like your MIL thrives on financial strings attached. Good on your husband for holding firm.
Don’t accept another dime.
“You’re causing my divorce!” Translation: I can’t take accountability for my choices, so I’ll blame my son instead.
Cutting off childcare with someone who sends “coded messages” about your toddler is 100% the right call.
Deactivating all her socials is just the cherry on top. Classic “I’ll show them!” move.
Honestly, you’re not overreacting. You’re just done playing their games.
I don’t want to be dense, and I’m totally on your side. But what is a coded message in regards to being excited to watch your son?
Hopefully I’m not too obtuse, I’m not sure if it was a veiled threat, or just left a bad feeling.
I had a similar FIL and his wife went along with everything he did, including enforcing his batshit crazy demands. She wasn’t as melodramatic as this witch, but she still aided and abetted in harm done to their kids. And then they’re surprised I cut all contact with the family beyond the absolutely necessary the minute that divorce was final. They caused my divorce, and your MIL is trying to do the same to yours. I’m so glad you have a husband who has the sense and gumption to disconnect from the system, and that you see this so clearly. My ex expected me to go along with his family behavior, including letting him harm our child. I carefully explained early on what would happen to him if he ever harmed my child, and stuck out the marriage until my child was safely grown and gone. He was completely shocked when I dropped the cover after the divorce was final and let him know exactly what I think of him and his kin. Total idiot, and a harmful one at that.
I feel like you guys need to start only communicating with MIL and FIL on the same text chains or the same phone calls.
This is a stepfather. Why were you expecting to get any inheritance at all?
It’s better you don’t let them pay for your child’s preschool. You know it will just give them the idea that they can undermine your parenting choices and control how you raise your kid. They will dictate how you raise your kid and run your home and marriage, Then they will threaten to pull their financial support if you don’t do as they say. Don’t accept anything from them so they don’t have any strings to pull. Ask the parents of their other grandkid that they’re paying tuition for how that’s working out for them. I will bet that their noses are constantly in the couple’s business.
For your DH, my favorite resource – http://www.outofthefog.net.
I’m glad you are out of their control, but I’m not sure I understand why, when signing your kid up you had to provide all the little details like how many days he would attend. We have two and know that schooling is expensive; I think I would have just passed on weekly costs; what they don’t know doesn’t hurt them. 20/20 maybe
Feels like a damned if you do (accept the money) and damned if you don’t (accept the money). Like wtf do they want? I’d just say no on the basis that they’re overstepping on what THEY want and request. If they want to help pay then pay, don’t put conditions on it. Otherwise they can go away and find some other person to build drama and stress on.
Lol yeh, I’m not surprised if she keeps getting divorced or threatening it.