I’ve had a very contentious relationship with my MIL for the majority of my time with my husband. He is not close to her at all, and before the baby he only saw her maybe once a month despite living in the same city. When I met her, I tried to build her and my husband’s relationship since family is important to me, but soon learned why he doesn’t get along with her. She constantly ignores boundaries, “misremembers” conversations, and just does whatever she wants.
When I was pregnant she made fun of me for buying a baby scale as well as for saying we wouldn’t go to a crowded event with the baby before 6 weeks saying we were being overprotective. When my daughter was born she started saying things like “she was a brat today” or “she looks like a girl for once”(in relation to her wearing pink instead of gender neutral colors). She has also exposed my daughter to Cocomelon despite us being screen-free and has taken her on a walk in a stroller that very clearly was too big/not secure enough.Despite this, I bring the baby to see her once a week since she says she ‘lives for the baby’ and once she’s been corrected she does seem to try not to repeat a bad behavior aside from the rude comments.
The most recent transgression that has me questioning everything is that I let her watch my daughter (5 months old) while I went to spend time with my dad. When I picked her up, MIL said she had taken my daughter in the chlorinated pool at 12:15 which is peak sun hours and we live in the southern US so temps were like 90 degrees. She also held her in her arms, no life jacket, floaties, or anything like that. All I could think about was drowning risk, the horrible sun exposure, and the fact that this was my daughter’s first time in the pool and neither my husband nor I were present to experience it.
To make matters worse, she had texted me one month ago saying she bought a pool float for infants and that she wanted to take my daughter into the pool but thought I should be the one to do it (no shit!) and I had texted her back saying I thought it was way too early to introduce her to water since she can’t even wear sunscreen yet. After I got home, I sent her a screenshot of that conversation and asked why she felt comfortable doing something I had previously told her I was uncomfortable with, and her exact text back was “I forgot. Sorry” That’s it. And we had had this conversation in person at least once with my husband there to witness it so I know I’m not crazy that this has been addressed multiple times.
I ended up telling her I felt disrespected and that I can’t trust her right now since she is clearly forgetting important conversations and putting my daughter at risk. I also said I needed a few weeks to think about what to do regarding the situation, so our weekly visits would be paused.
My husband is hurt that he missed experiencing her first time in the pool, but said he can get over it (I feel the same way, the safety was my main concern). But he is really upset about the chlorine on her sensitive skin, and extremely upset that his mom went against my wishes. He said he would deal with her if I wanted him to, but I think his mom thinks I’m a pushover so I wanted to handle it myself.
I feel tempted to cut her out completely and let my husband handle any baby visits (supervised) and go back to just seeing her once a month or at holidays. The only things holding me back are that Im worried that my daughter will be missing out on having a good relationship with both sets of her grandparents.
Also, our MIL is very well off and has helped us financially several times, so I don’t want to make her feel like we got what we needed and are icing her out now. I just wish she could respect me more both as a person and as a parent. I want her to have a relationship with my daughter, but I just feel so done.
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Don’t worry about what your MIL thinks.
Worry about your child’s safety and nothing else.
Your MIL is not safe.
Supervised at all times. There is no other way.
I’ve seen them take my nieces to get ears pierced without permission and taken for first haircuts without the parents, so I know my family will not respect any boundaries I try to set so I do not leave my baby alone with any of them for even a minute.
MIL’s relationship with your daughter is a privilege, not a right. If she ignores you and puts your daughter at risk now, dont you think she’ll continue later in life? You’re not responsible for her feelings. it’s time to drop the rope.
I did not have relationships with all of my grandparents. It did not make a difference. Your child will thrive regardless if she sees her grandma constantly or 2 times a year on a holiday thanks to her relationship with you, her father and those who choose to be safe adults around her.