Long time lurker, first time poster.
My husband passed away when our son was 3 and at the time, MIL was a huge support for me. She legitimately was an amazing MIL and grandmother before my husband passed away and became even more so after as she put me first even though she’d also lost her only child. As bad as she may get, I’ll always be grateful to her for how selfless and supportive she was at that time. My son is now 14 and MIL has slid into JN territory. It was a gradual decline that I didn’t notice until it was too late and after talking to a friend about it, she suggested I check out this sub because some of her antics are eerily similar to some of the posts I see here.
Onto the incident that pushed me to post.
My son adores reading, he wants to be an author and has won awards for his stories. He wanted an ereader for his birthday since paperbacks are expensive here and going to the library is a 2 hour round trip for us. Instead of getting him a Kindle or a Kobo, which are both proprietary systems, I got him a little E-ink tablet for his that runs on Android and installed all the reading apps (Kobo, Kindle, Libby, etc) for him. He absolute adores it and takes it with him everywhere. MIL doesn’t like that Son is always on his tablet and always bitches when he uses it around her.
Last week, Son was at MIL’s house after school while I was at work. He’d finished his homework and was reading To Kill A Mockingbird for his English class on his tablet when MIL took it off him and refused to give it back. This happened about 5 minutes before I arrived to pick him up so when I got there I walked in him on ther verge of tears because she was threatening to break his tablet.
MIL turned on me pretty much as soon as I set foot in the house and told me I was a bad mum for letting my son use a tablet so much and that he was rotting his brain and he wasn’t allowed to use it while at her house. I said “OK, he won’t be coming to your house any more then. Get your stuff (son)”, grabbed son’s stuff and the tablet out of her hand, and we left. Maybe I am I bad mum for letting him use a tablet so much but at least he’s reading and not just playing games with borderline gambling loot boxes and micro transactions.
MIL has been blowing up my phone over the weekend saying I’m keeping the last part of her son away from her, but I never said she can’t see my son at all, just that he won’t be going to her house any more. Anyway, my son is old enough now to decide if and when he wants to see her and right now he’d prefer to not see her.
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You did well, Mami. You stood up for your son. Don’t let that woman manipulate you or your son. She needs to understand what she did and there’s consequences.
MIL can get over herself. In addition to easy access to more modern works, you can get a lot of older classics and historical references in PDF format. If your son is taking advantage of that, he’s doing great.
And if MIL is interfering with his class work, she deserves to lose the privilege of having him over.
Sounds like she’s more concerned he’s not paying attention to her than the tablet. I’m sure she’d feel differently if she had been the one who bought something he enjoys too.
You haven’t stopped her seeing him but she clearly thinks her rules, her house when he’s at her place so he won’t be going to her house anymore. That’s how things work. She isn’t a second parent and is ruining her relationship with her grandson over him.. reading? Geez.
She needs to apologize to him if she wants a relationship. He’s the one who going to maintain it or not and she should probably remember to just be a grandma and not a parent.
Kinda off topic OP, but more and more libraries are starting to offer books digitally and for free. If it’s a long trip to your local library, check to see if they have any digital offerings, then you’ll have library access without having to make the long round trip.
Time to remind her that your son is YOUR SON. You respect her new house rule about no tablet, thus your son won’t be going to hers anymore. Also, tell her to cut out the emotional manipulation bc it isn’t going to work. Don’t get into back and forth discussions where you are sucked into justifying, arguing, defending and explaining yours and your son’s boundaries.
He was reading! And, he was reading for school. If she wasn’t such a narcissist, she’d be proud.
Does grandma realize he’s READING on the tablet, not playing games or watching tik tok? If she does, what in the world is wrong with her? She should be applauding that he’s reading so much. Now she’s facing the consequences of her own idiotic behavior.
14 years old is a pivotal age when kids decide their passions. Your MIL isn’t safe for him at the moment. If she isn’t going to be supportive, she doesn’t need to have him visit. You might have a budding author or movie producer on your hands.
I’m wondering if MIL was unaware that it is a tablet for reading versus the ones for games & surfing? I’m an avid reader and my grandparents not only never would have snatched a book from me but budget permitting, they kept me well stocked.
I’m not excusing her actions by any means but am just speculating whether it was a misunderstanding.
Could you imagine if she actually broke his tablet and you came after her for the money? The victim role she would cry! Lol
“No MIL, you are actively driving away the last piece of your son away with your behaviour. If you truely want to keep that relationship well, than you need to adapt and change your behaviour as the adult in the situation. I know that departed husband would be extremely proud of how our son is growing and thriving, I’m not so sure if he would have been proud of your behaviour towards his son though. You need to take ownership and apologise and earn his trust back, this is all on you.”
I agree, she shouldn’t have taken it away from him if doing an assignment and definitely shouldn’t have threatened to break it. Sounds like she wanted to do something with him and communication wasn’t there in some way.
However, I would make sure your son does pay attention to people when he’s supposed to be social with them. Wether reading, playing video games or playing on a phone I find it disrespectful when I’m talking and then my husband starts doing one of those things. He says he’s still paying attention but it doesn’t feel like I have his full attention. I find it rude.
>verge of tears because she was threatening to break his tablet.
Oh that is a big fat no. You handled it beautifully.
Aw your poor son, that was really mean and ignorant of her. It’s great that your son reads so much.
She did this. She specified that he wasn’t allowed to use it while at her home. You just honored her wishes. The end.
I’m a huge proponent of giving the same energy that you receive. You honored her boundary. She needs to reflect on her words and her choices because all you did was ve respectful.
I was the kind of kid who spent most of my time reading and not socializing. My aunts figured out a way to engage with me. They bought me new books and would read them too. Then, we’d talk about them.
If your MIL wanted his attention, she would find a common interest. It’s such a strange thing to want to control especially since she knew he was reading.