MIL has a pattern of wanting control in situations. She’ll often change plans I suggest so they’re on her terms, and if I push back she’ll ignore the topic entirely. She’s bought unsafe baby gear for her house without asking me first (like jumper I wouldn’t ever buy). She also tends to make comments or decisions about the baby without consulting me and it’s rare for her to acknowledge when she’s overstepped.
Last night at dinner (after a while without seeing her) she wanted to be the one doing everything for baby even when I was literally in the middle of the task. Here are the situations:
• I was strapping my baby into his high chair, she put her hands on him too, trying to do the same thing I was doing.
• I was putting on his bib, and she grabbed the other arm to put it through and kept trying to brush my hands away from him. I ignored her and kept on doing it.
• I practice BLW so he feeds himself, but she came over with a spoon and tried to feed him anyway, I was right next to him handing him the food so I had to say, “I don’t actually feed him like that.” It felt like she didn’t acknowledge me right there or like she didn’t think the method was effective, therefore she had to intervene. She did walk away when I told her so.
• When he was done eating, she kept saying “oh do you want me to get you out of there?”, and again, I was right next to him about to take him out. I started cleaning him at the sink and she came over and started washing him too, then grabbed him out of my arms mid-clean with, “He’s clean now you can turn it off”.
• She made negative comments about him eating vegetables and even when I said baby tried a new fruit she said out loud “is that good for you???” and proceeded to GOOGLE IT!
• She bought THREE oversized toys that don’t fit in my home. Then she started talking about how she is going to go crazy in christmas and brought up a roller coaster DH had growing up and how she would love to have that again. NO!
It was so frustrating me and my husband decided to not see her at all for two weeks.
She is exhausting and keeps questioning my parenting style or trying to be the caregiver herself.
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I really cannot stand when people act like this. My mother did this and it drove me insane.
Perhaps before your next visit your husband can tell her that her behaviour is problematic and disrespectful, and if she wants to continue seeing you all regularly she needs to cut it out.
As for the gifts, I’ve had that problem in the past. I put limits on my own mother who’d go crazy on temu. I told her that one nice item was all we’d accept, and anything sentimental or large needed to be approved first (in case it was something we’d already purchased or planned to).
She didn’t respect it initially nor take me seriously until she saw me selling the stuff on Facebook marketplace 😂 and no, my kid didn’t care or notice
Why aren’t you telling her HANDS OFF GO SIT DOWN?
Did you at any point tell her that you were feeding the baby and she needed to back off?
My SIL tried to “help” buckle my son in a high chair once and I told her, “this isn’t a two man job.” She backed off but was salty about it. You have to be direct in the moment or they keep pushing.
So my MIL was like this with my first (now grown). We lived far away so when we had a visit it was for an extended period of time. Anyway, when my kid was a toddler, she kept trying to intervene/ undermine anything I did at a family holiday in front of people thinking I would keep my mouth shut. After one too many times, I looked her in the eye, got close to her face and said back off. She did and pouted but didn’t say anything. I was young then (20s) and really hadn’t found my voice yet, but that triggered something in me. Anyway, I have a great supportive husband who had talks with her and always had my back. I get the not seeing her, however if behavior is not addressed it won’t stop. No and stop are complete sentences.
Either tell her “I’ve got this, I don’t need help right now” or give her one specific task, like washing baby after dinner or playing a specific game so she feels included but stops getting in your way.
Tell her you have it handled and not to interfere. It could cause all kinds of problems if she creates a situation where she knocks him out of your hands.
Do not ignore when she oversteps. Address it in real time. When she oversteps, look dead into her eyes and simply tell her “I have this taken care of. I’ll ask if I need your help.” Don’t smile when you say it. Don’t change a word. Don’t add the word “thanks” anywhere.
Stop caring about her feelings. You don’t have to be rude to her, but you also don’t need to let her stomp over your boundaries without correction.
Wow…I think this woman is going to insist a big blow up before anything changes. It feels like she’s trying to challenge you for the role of mother… who does that unless they take care of the child everyday or they’re trying to start a fight/ power play? No one
Your husband needs to have a talk with his mother about constantly interrupting you while you are tending to your child and be firm about it needing to stop. I know I wouldn’t be as patient as you are. I’d have already told her to take a step back and let me handle it unimpeded. She isn’t trying to help. She’s sending you a message that she doesn’t feel you are competent to do even the smallest things for your child and that needs to stop.
“MIL, I’ve got this. I’m his mother. When I want you to help me with anything for him, I will ask.”
Repeat as required. Maybe throw in a round or two of “If you keep this up, we won’t visit/have you over anymore,” and “Isn’t Grandma silly, LO? I’m right here taking care of [whatever you’re doing at the time], and she’s trying to do it instead!”
I’m not big on passive-aggressiveness, but it sounds like she’s earned herself a dose or two. Good luck.
Outside of the obvious that she needs to keep her hands to herself and respect you. When my kiddos were little we sandwiched them between my husband and myself, a buffer if you will. Helped with hands off during meals.
P.S.: re the going crazy at Christmas: as a totally besotted auntie who would buy literally anything any of my niblings even hinted they wanted if left to my own devices, NIP THAT SHIT IN THE BUD.
It is only because I managed to have a little self-awareness that I didn’t empty out a ToysRUs with the first one, and instead (particularly when the kid was still in the potato phase) gave them a card with money in it that said “Merry Christmas, [kid’s name]! I wanted to get you a whole bunch of presents, but I wasn’t sure what would be useful. Mom and Dad will know exactly what you need, so I want them to decide!”
I didn’t care if they spent it on toys or diapers; the point was that it was something to help the day-to-day for my niece (in that case). It turned out that I was the only one who did that – some others also gave them money, but it was in addition to a pile of stuff they had to find room for. They must have been worried that I would go completely bonkers buying stuff, because the look of relief on their faces was quite something, LOL.
After roughly age seven, I started paying for experiences, instead of tchotchkes or toys, unless they were pre-approved by the parents. A week of a fun summer camp they wouldn’t have otherwise been able to go to, or seeing a movie or play became the go-to options.
Put the baby between you and your husband so she can’t sit next to baby. This won’t work if your husband will cave and let MIL take his seat.
Tell her “I’ve got it”, “I don’t need any help”, “I need you to back up and give us some space”, “That’s not for you to decide”.
OP, find your voice…MIL, if you can’t stop this controlling and overbearing behavior by having to insert yourself when I am feeding, putting a bib on, getting baby out of the highchair etc then perhaps it is best you go home and we all take some time out to work out how we are going to manage this behavior so we can try to move forward. Tell her to knock it off otherwise visit is over and she can go home.
“Take your hands off my baby”
That’s it. No diplomacy. No giving an inch.
Your husband needs to explain what her negative behaviors are to her, for her to improve.
MIL is so desperate to be the mommy, she’s gone beyond the ridiculous. I almost feel sorry for her being so pathetic. I agree with the others- get that stuff under control NOW with DH’s help. At the time of the offense is the best time. It’s like dog training really.
MiL needs to know who is in charge – and it isn’t her. Push her way when she physically interferes and when she trots out some dumb question or tries to feed/touch your baby – Google it and tell her, ‘Oh no, that’s not advisable. He cannot have/do that.’ Give her the same energy she gives you.
That is awful.
My MIL would always step in when I told my children “you can eat your dinner or go to bed” she would pipe up and say “I can make you a ….” Wife would never stand up to her
Grandma would be getting a baby doll for Christmas. “What’s this for?” Well, since you LOVE to play mommy so much. I figured it was the perfect gift! I wouldn’t actually do this, lol. But the petty in me would want to.
I remember my MIL insisted on dressing my toddler in an outfit she got him. It was an old, scratchy hand me down that was too warm and he was MISERABLE in it. I was working and she was to bring him with my DH to an event at my job, and he was red faced and crabby and she kept saying, ooooh, someone needs a nap! I flat out said, “no. The outfit you put him in is for the winter. It’s spring. He’s too hot and that old sweater looks itchy and uncomfortable. I would be crabby too. That’s why I left an outfit out for him to wear here.”
She pouted and whined, “but he looks sooooo cuuuuuuute!!!!” I said really?!? He’s red faced, sweaty and screaming. He’s a person, not a doll to play dress up with.” She was pissed. Tough shit.
I always think it’s worth asking her about when she was a mum and how her own mother and MIl acted to her bringing up your husband. You can ask pointed questions and if you feel strong enough, say she had her time, now it’s your time & shes she’s a grandma, not a mum, so she needs to be hands off, especially as you and her son are still learning how to be parents! – Which you are loving, but when other people keep stepping in, pushing you around and making negative comments, kind of take the shine off & make you not want to be with that person.
Maybe talking like this; getting her to reminisce about her own experiences & seeing it in the 3rd person, might just make her think!
Only two weeks? I’d absolutely make it a month, and only under the condition that she agrees to not interfere, try to take over, and no unsolicited advice. In other words, respect the parents as grown adult parents, and stay in her own lane. I’d actually consider meeting in a public place (like a park) for a short visit to begin with
If someone “brushed my hand” away from my child, well let’s just there would be a real problem right there. That alone would have caused a big problem. That implication from MIL would have been a problem.
Respectfully: find your Momma Bear voice. Be direct and explicit. Tell her no, or stop, or get back. Will she be startled? Probably. Tough cookies for her. You are Mom, not her and she needs to take a very big step back.
My daughter has 4 year old twins, a boy and girl. I stayed with her for two weeks after they were born. Long story short, she shut me down on some of my thoughts and helpful hints. She said “ Mom, your youngest is 23, a lot has changed since then.” I didn’t get offended and let her do her thing. I may be biased but they are two of the most well adjusted kids I know. She has probably surpassed me in many ways as a mother and I am so proud of her.
Two week time out is not long enough. Donate the oversized toys she drops off.
BLW seems to be like a red rag to a bull for these mils. My MIL ignored me every time I told her he was not being spoon fed and she would continue to get spoons out for every meal & ram food into his mouth & she’d block me from the highchair. She repeatedly snached whatever BLW-friendly meal I’d prepared for him out my hands & mush it all up into one unidentifiable pile of slop & spoon feed him in front of me. My breaking point was when I told her for the 296th time that we are doing BLW and not spoon feeding and she hissed at me ‘it’s fine if you want to do it that way but I’ll be doing it MY WAY’.
Spoiler – in the 6 years since she has never been around my son or my subsequent babies at meal times. She has never fed my other kids one scrap of food. FAFO.
So many women in older generations made “I’m a mother” the absolute center of their identities and they don’t even consider the idea that being a GRANDmother is an entirely different role!!
I thought to myself, we need a really good book to help these women adjust to their new role. Even if they never read it or change, maybe it would validate what new mothers are saying to husbands or even other family members. Then I thought “Um, Google is free!” LOL
On first pass, I found this book on Amazon that has really good reviews: Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship Between Adult Children and Parents by Jane Isay.
For the times when you’re together & you’re trying to get through a visit without a big argument, the easiest way to enforce a boundary without giving MIL a chance to accuse you of rudeness is to make use of “No, thank you.” Regardless of whether it’s an offer, a direction or an action, “No thank you” is still polite, easy to say and doesn’t give them anything to really argue against.
My other favorite is “That’s a parenting decision, GRANDparents don’t get a vote!”
The problem is, she’s not aware she isn’t seeing you for two weeks because of how she acted. So it isn’t a consequence to her.
I would let her know. And practice saying give us space or take your hands off him I got it or even back up please you’re in my way.
If she’d have snatched my baby away from me, my SO would have needed bail money. IMO, you need to not subtly set her back on her heels. Unleash your mama bear. Being nice about it isn’t working. She needs a sharp reminder that her behavior is annoying and inappropriate.
Your husband needs to tell her “ mom, you were being so disrespectful and overbearing when OP was feeding the baby. We have chosen to do BLW and you don’t have to like it, but you have to respect our decision as the parents. Because of these issues, we are going to take a two week time out.”
I personally think two weeks is not long enough, especially if you’re only going to not see her and not cut all contact (text, phone, email, video calls).
Your husband also needs to tell her that she is not to buy any oversized toys and that anything she buys that you guys haven’t preapproved will be donated
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Keep doing what you’re doing. Tell her, “no,” and, “stop that,” when she’s trying to horn in on a task. “I do not need help wiping his face.” “I can put his bib on myself.” “Those are lovely toys but they will have to live at your house, they do not fit in mine.”
You will get pushback, but you need to just keep asserting boundaries. Ideally your husband would speak up and do the correcting, but if he won’t say, “OP can do that herself,” then you will have to self-advocate.
It’s time your husband told her to back off and respect you as mom. She’s had her kids, LO isn’t a do over baby.
You need to put your foot down and stand up for you and your baby. If she can’t obey boundaries and accept that YOU are the parent and not her, you need to make sure she has consequences. Two weeks does not sound like it’s enough.
Dude just cut her off that’s exhausting!!
Solidarity OP. My MIL pulled stuff like this too- my personal “favorite” is her trying to take my crying child from my arms after they ran to me yelling Mommy bc they fell and scraped their knees… she took that to mean she was needed to swoop in and attempted to physically pry my child from my arms 🙄 you are not alone!
I second the many redditors on here who advised shutting MIL down on the spot- no thank you, we don’t need help with this and this is a parenting decision so you don’t get a vote all are high on my list, but go with what’s comfortable for you! It would be awesome if DH was there to reiterate that you, as the mother, do not need MILs help with whatever she’s trying to butt in on. Please remember that raising your child is not a democracy that involves MIL so do not feel the least bit bad or guilty for sticking up for yourself and the parenting decisions you make.
“I’ve got it, thanks”
“Oh, thanks but I’ve got this.”
“Oops, we don’t spoon feed, thanks for trying to help though.”
“Oh! I see a little something; I’ll finish cleaning him off then you can hold him.”
“Oh no, we don’t really have space for these large toys. Why don’t we keep them at your house and he can play with them there.”
Treat her like the child she is, keep redirecting her but do it sweetly LOL. Your husband also needs to start doing the same.
Are you living with her, if so it’s time to move. If she’s living with you, it’s time for her to move.
I would address it every single time, “MIL please stop, I’m LO’s mother, I’ve got it. If I needed help, I would ask”
Rinse and repeat.
If she starts over food, “MIL what LO eats and how he is fed are both parenting decisions and nobody else’s concern but mine and DH’s. We don’t need any advice but if we decide we do then we will ask”
Formatting to take away the weird scroll-box:
MIL has a pattern of wanting control in situations. She’ll often change plans I suggest so they’re on her terms, and if I push back she’ll ignore the topic entirely. She’s bought unsafe baby gear for her house without asking me first (like jumper I wouldn’t ever buy). She also tends to make comments or decisions about the baby without consulting me and it’s rare for her to acknowledge when she’s overstepped.
Last night at dinner (after a while without seeing her) she wanted to be the one doing everything for baby even when I was literally in the middle of the task. Here are the situations:
• I was strapping my baby into his high chair, she put her hands on him too, trying to do the same thing I was doing.
•I was putting on his bib, and she grabbed the other arm to put it through and kept trying to brush my hands away from him. I ignored her and kept on doing it.
•I practice BLW so he feeds himself, but she came over with a spoon and tried to feed him anyway, I was right next to him handing him the food so I had to say, “I don’t actually feed him like that.” It felt like she didn’t acknowledge me right there or like she didn’t think the method was effective, therefore she had to intervene. She did walk away when I told her so.
•When he was done eating, she kept saying “oh do you want me to get you out of there?”, and again, I was right next to him about to take him out. I started cleaning him at the sink and she came over and started washing him too, then grabbed him out of my arms mid-clean with, “He’s clean now you can turn it off”.
•She made negative comments about him eating vegetables and even when I said baby tried a new fruit she said out loud “is that good for you???” and proceeded to GOOGLE IT!
•She bought THREE oversized toys that don’t fit in my home. Then she started talking about how she is going to go crazy in christmas and brought up a roller coaster DH had growing up and how she would love to have that again. NO!
It was so frustrating me and my husband decided to not see her at all for two weeks.
She is exhausting and keeps questioning my parenting style or trying to be the caregiver herself.
Gaaah. How do you refrain from spraying her with the hose? (Probably not a good idea, but it’s fun to think about!)
For the toys, put your husband in charge of telling her NO, or he will be donating them. Since you are the one who she is grabbing baby from, you’ll just need to firmly tell her “I have this-go sit down.”
I would put her in ‘time out’ EACH AND EVERY TIME she goes against your boundaries. Have your husband TELL her in no uncertain terms, she will not be allowed to be with the baby or override your decisions re YOUR CHILD. Going NC might be the best way to get your point across. Congratulations!! Good luck!
It sounds like you need two really specific boundaries:
A 2 week timeout is NOT enough. make it at least a month if not 2!
Sounds like it’s time for a timeout.