Before giving birth, I used to be fairly close to my MIL. We got along well, and I truly thought we had a good relationship. But things started to shift during the end of my pregnancy, and especially after delivery.
There were many incidents — too many to go into detail — but the bottom line is, she constantly crossed boundaries, ignored our parenting choices, and made what should’ve been a special, intimate time for us incredibly frustrating. Over time, I lost both trust and respect.
The worst moment, the one that still gives me panic attacks, was when she used an emergency key to enter our locked apartment unannounced while we were inside. We hadn’t answered our phones because we were dealing with our then-4-month-old baby. No knocking. No waiting. Just walked in.
That night, my husband and I had the biggest fight we’ve ever had. I was so shaken that I left the house. It was a complete emotional breakdown for me, and I haven’t been the same since.
It’s been 3 months. I haven’t answered a single call from her since. I don’t go out when she visits. I don’t visit her. I just can’t. She kept calling anyway, until my husband asked her to give me space — which she did for a while — but then she started calling again during a much-needed family vacation, completely disregarding our boundaries.
I honestly don’t know how to move forward from this. Part of me wonders if I even want to have a relationship with her anymore. It’s hard to explain how deep the emotional damage runs unless you’ve experienced this kind of betrayal after birth.
I don’t know if I’m overreacting, or if this level of distance is the only way I feel safe now. Has anyone else been through something similar? How did you rebuild trust — if you did?
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I have with my own mother and she can never be trusted. She will never respect a boundary and she will never change. I moved further away and she doesn’t have any codes or keys, we don’t see her that often and she flies in constant rages about it…I don’t care. My mother is a very sick, personality disordered woman just below the surface, and i don’t trust her at all
I think it’s great to hold your boundaries because she deeply violated you during a vulnerable time in your life. She has shown to have zero respect for you and your parenting choices.
But you have a husband problem that is still giving her access to your child when you’re still recovering from a violating event. She clearly feels deeply entitled and your husband is rewarding that at your expense.
You had a fight with him about this event, was it ever resolved? I am assuming he saw nothing wrong with her completely crossing physical boundaries and abusing trust and a privilege of having an emergency key. That key should no longer be in her possession. The fact that she began calling again leads me to believe your husband is continuously undermining your boundaries and enabling his mom to behave any way she wants without consequences. She backed off momentarily to say that she tried and you’re being unreasonable.
Since she is still visiting, this is not about unity, this is about control. Your MIL gets your husband and child but she thinks if she can wear you down, she is somehow saving face and will get this delusional big-happy-family. It reflects poorly on her and likely makes her remember her shame when you refuse contact with her.
Youre not going to be able to move on emotionally until you deal with your husband’s betrayal, your feelings of insecurity around your value within your own nuclear family, and youre able to set and uphold boundaries.
If your husband refuses to stand up for you, please seek couples counseling. MIL needs consequences or this is not going to be a healthy or sustainable environment for your LO to grow up in.