Obligatory please don’t repost
Last Tuesday, my fil had asked my husband if he was free to speak to him about something quick. DH was at the gym, but thought since it was quick he could take the call. As soon as the call happens, fil, mil, and sil start laying into that he is totally unjust, doesn’t care about them at all, that I don’t know them at all and it’s all his fault this has happened, he is an awful son. They don’t let him get a word in, and any words he does say get hit with malice and indifference. Then, they start in about me: I have him whipped, he should divorce me and could easily find someone new, that “if she keeps going the way she’s going, she needs to be admitted into a mental institution”, “we’ve done more right by her than her own family”. Anytime my husband steps in to defend me, his dad says he’ll cut him off for good if he even tries to defend me or leave the conversation.(Please understand we are Muslim and cutting family ties is an egregious sin, so my husband was understandably rattled and felt pressured by his dad) This goes on for the entirety of his 60 minute workout and his 10 minute commute home.
His phone died and he came into the house telling me everything that his family said to this point. I’m now 16 weeks pregnant, having been dealing with this BS for most of my pregnancy. So yeah, I am freaking out about what they are trying to tell him to do and my husband is now trying to calm me down while trying to recharge his phone and settle down himself. He doesn’t want to divorce and doesn’t think I’m crazy, but we are both just rattled how this got from my husband approaching his mom about things his mom did and said to me creating some distance because I’m understandably hurt to this. I go to call my dad and tell him everything DH had told me. We are white and my family is non-Muslim, so some things fly over his head. Ultimately he got it and said I and the baby will always have a home with them if things escalate further. He said DH made a choice and it’s only him to make.
My husband calls his dad back and they continue to lay into him, saying I lied about certain things his mom said and that it’s a part of my character, it’s always something they are doing to hurt me and never the other way around, etc. Then his dad gives this ultimatum: even if they were wrong, they would never apologize, so I must remain close and sweet and kind towards them, rather, in their words “I must act like nothing has ever happened and return to normal”. Unconditionally, I need to apologize to them for dragging his dad into it and stressing him out as well as for being upset about this whole matter. This needs apology must happen a week from that conversation, otherwise I don’t exist to them and I am to never see them again; a threat to cut ties with me. His mom then starts in that I need to give certain gifts she’s given me back and I am banned from ever speaking to DH’s maternal aunt and grandmother ever again. She was hurt that I distanced myself after she left from our house.
My anxiety has been at an all time high since this conversation. I can barely sleep and when I can, it’s not peaceful. My nausea and vomiting has gotten worse and now have been having panic attacks because of his dad’s comments on my husband should leave me and that I need a mental institution. My husband would never, but that threat just destroyed me. I am stuck between anger/hatred and so much sadness. I never want my child around this and am angry that they have subjected me, and thus the baby, to this anxiety and fear. I worry about how they would treat my baby since she is half me, therefore not fully them. My husband knows and accepts they would never have access to the baby with me being direct involved and there. I have blocked his family and told my husband if they need me to go through him from now on.
Comments
Login here to leave a comment
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Other posts from /u/berrysalad22:
Fed up, 1 week ago
For context about JNMIL, 3 weeks ago
AIO about MIL or should I take this as a threat?, 3 weeks ago
^(To be notified as soon as berrysalad22 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe berrysalad22 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
There are two parts here. For your part, continue standing your ground. Don’t give them anything. You’ve done nothing wrong, you don’t owe them anything apology, and gifts, once given, are no longer hers to demand back.
For your husband’s part, he needs to stand up for you. Culture and tradition are nothing more than peer pressure from dead people, and the part of a culture that demands blind obedience to the parents needs to die. He needs to break the cycle and show his relatives that you and the baby come first, every time, even if that means never seeing them again.
I know every culture is different but if your husband refuses to stand up for you, especially while you’re carrying his child, I would consider moving home. At least there you will be in a peaceful environment. Obviously the in-laws are never going to change their stance meaning if he allows them to be a part of his life, you will suffer. That’s a very unfair ask of him. You could try MC but unless they are Muslim too, they wouldn’t really be able and to help. His dad gave him an ultimatum so the ball is 100% in his court.
Wow, I’m really sorry. I have a couple questions, though.
What would have happened if your husband had disconnected the call as soon as he realized it was a bait and switch? His father lied to him about the “quick call”. If he didn’t hang up right away, why didn’t he disconnect as soon as they started trashing his wife? What did he reply when they said you need to be in an institution? When he let that call go on for so long, he’s giving them “permission” to take over his life whenever they want. This doesn’t bode well long term because it has a direct impact on you.
I ask because I lived in DC for years, and met quite a few Muslims (including spouses who converted). Several became close friends and they didn’t live like this.
I’m not sure what to suggest, but when you say you’re angry, make sure you know who’s the target of that anger. His fam sounds like nutcases, but what about him? Are you truly certain he’ll have your back once that baby is born?
I wish you good luck and also it’s very good that your parents are so supportive. This has to be a positive influence on your mental state.