I apologize in advance for how lengthy this will be.
I met my MIL in 2017 and we became friends. I’m talking hang out for hours every day talking and having coffee, family dinners, birthdays, all of it. I met her without knowing she was the mother of my friend (now husband). He was married to someone else for a couple of years, and MIL was not kind to her. Their relationship had always been strained so when MIL would complain about ex wife, it seemed to make sense. I was 19-20 at the time. Around then, MIL began cheating on her spouse. I heard about it from numerous people and just asked them to not share that with me. MIL began to tell me in detail about who she was with and details. She told me I was not allowed to tell DH (mind you, we were just friends at this point). I was uncomfortable with this as I also had a close relationship with MIL’s husband, FIL. I told her to not tell me about this stuff anymore. She continued, so when she would start up I could leave the coffee shop we frequented.
Shortly after this, I went into cardiac arrest at said coffee shop and died. According to the people who were alive at the time, I stopped talking, turned blue, and slumped. Two lovely men immediately began CPR and are ultimately the reason I am alive today. MIL called my mom and told her that I had an “incident” and would be going to the hospital. MIL told my mom it was just a seizure and paramedics were present. My mom said she asked some more questions and then asked MIL if the paramedics were working on me. MIL hesitated and said yes. Skip to the hospital, my parents, step dad, and brother are in the family waiting area. At this point I am alive but only by legal definition. My family is silent, and MIL and FIL are present. MIL sends FIL to get tacos for her and proceeds to eat and laugh and tell stories while my carcass is just a couple rooms over. There is photo evidence of this.
I was placed in a coma and everyone had to tiptoe around my body. MIL brought people from the coffee shop to my room to see my carcass. These were people that I did not know. My mom realized pretty quickly that the vibes were off and shut the sideshow down and sent MIL home.
I survived this ordeal with a great bit of trauma and it does impact my daily life 6 years later.
MIL divorced FIL and moved out of town with a boyfriend. FIL passed in 2022. MIL has since moved back to town without the boyfriend.
Today, I am married to said friend and MIL is my MIL. I am currently 35 weeks pregnant with our first and only baby, B. We shared the news with our mothers at 4 weeks. I am not a person that likes to be touched, MIL knows this, has had the firm boundary set with her in the past. She chose to immediately lunge forward to put her hand on my stomach. That was corrected, we all moved on. Whatever.
Christmas 2024 comes, spouse and I host. I plan a dinner of lasagna and such in honor of my stepdad who had passed that year. At this point I am also in my first trimester and sick as a dog. We hosted spouse’s out of town brother and husband for almost 2 weeks. There were numerous fights between family members but I stayed out of those. MIL went grocery shopping with spouse and while out, they changed the dinner plan to a traditional Christmas dinner. I told spouse no, I’m not okay with that, tell her no and she can host her own dinner if she wants to. Spouse did that, we had a lasagna dinner that spouse spent hours cooking. MIL showed up, had lasagna, and then left.
After Christmas, I did not hear from MIL for several months. During my 2nd trimester, it became clear that I was very high risk and I began seeing several specialists on top of my OB. Spouse lost his job. We move to a new house I was in social work which is not a mellow job. Spouse gets a new job after a couple months, i have a complete mental break at work, spouse and I agree that I should quit and I did, immediately. 3rd trimester begins, I begin seeing MFM regularly, three different cardiologists regularly, echos, EKG’s, weekly ultrasounds, the works. I’m constantly touched out and overstimulated. But I’m still in regular therapy (8 years strong from my childhood trauma)
Spouse and I hosted Easter. Just my mom, brother, and MIL. MIL asks what she can bring. Spouse and I are cooking everything. I told spouse I didn’t care what she brought, it wasn’t a big dinner and she can bring the corn if she’d like. She did not like. She wanted to bring corn pudding. Spouse told her I don’t eat that. She asked when I would get over my picky eating. I told spouse I don’t care if she brings it, there are always items at dinners that I don’t eat. She arrives exactly on time with corn pudding, tells me I’m so big, and doesnt speak to me for the remainder of the dinner. Mind you, my tum is measuring very small and I do not look as far along as I am, even now. MIL had been told prior to not make comments on my size.
Skip to baby shower time. My mom is leading the charge and brings my aunts, best friend, and MIL into a group chat to discuss all kinds of bows and pink things for the baby shower. My mom tells everyone what needs to be done and asks if people are willing to do this or that. Most people take a task or two, my mom and best friend handle majority. MIL is tasked with ordering tables and chairs. She does, we’re happy. At the shower, I was feeling exhausted and irritable. We later found out this was from a decreased ejection fraction. I went from 52% to 38%. Anyhow, I’m talking to everyone as my mom instructed. MIL is hiding out in our kitchen, speaking only with our friend’s mother. They go on a smoke walk during the games. Numerous people told me that they herd her muttering not nice things about me throughout the shower. I said oh well, rude. My kitchen now reeks of weed. MIL probably didn’t smoke it, but the friend’s mom did. Oh well, rude. She isn’t invited back to anything. MIL Irish exits after gifts are opened. She told spouse she didn’t say bye to me because I was talking to someone. I was not. She told me she didn’t say goodbye because she was tired. Oh well.
A week later, we find find out my heart is not pleased with baby and may need to deliver at 35 weeks. New specialist visit, wants me to get to the 37 week mark we originally agreed upon. If anything worsens, I go to hospital. Fine. I’m grumpy about this news. Hospitals and medical settings are deeply upsetting to me due to my history, but this will be over so soon. I talk to spouse about having MIL around for passive quality time. It’s important to me that baby B has the chance to develop relationships with her relatives. You can never have enough people to love your kiddo. MIL does not want to be here, okay. My therapist and I discuss leaving doors open but not dragging people through. I’m learning these life skills and practicing them carefully.
We set two rules: Covid booster and Tdap vaccine within the last 10 years, and no smoking then holding baby. MIL tells spouse that these rules are only about her. Whatever, he can deal with that. MIL finally gets vaccinated. We requested she not smoke while at our house during the first trimester. First day at new house, she hides behind our garage and smokes. I smell the smoke pulling into my house through all the open windows. Spouse makes her put it out. We later find out that she told our friend she “wasn’t allowed to smoke at the house” and did it anyway. My lack of trust in her solidifies.
Spouse and I want to fix the relationship for baby B’s sake. That brings me to yesterday. She had some items for B. She mentions bringing them to our house, I want that to happen so we can start having casual, normal interactions before B arrives in two weeks. Spouse and MIL meet at MIL’s fav bar instead. Oh well, no biggie. After that we go to my mom’s birthday dinner and it’s pleasant enough. On the way home, spouse and I are talking. He had let the c section date slip in conversation. We weren’t sharing with anyone due to my trauma and desire to not have anyone at the hospital. I am already registered as a private patient. Spouse and MIL are talking about the hospital visit and he informs her that we won’t be having visitors due to my trauma. MIL then says “she needs to get over it.”
So that’s how I lost my mind. I told spouse I did not want her in my house or around the baby until further notice, and we will check in once we get through the post-partum scaries. We had a long talk about everything that has occurred with MIL, more than I shared here. These are just the top stories for me. I slept on it, and now I write this looking for advice from those who have an outside perspective. I’m in the middle of it, so I’m biased. I want full no contact until further notice. No big declaration, just silence. Spouse has already talked to her countless times about treating me like a person. I desire a neutral relationship between me and her. I do not want to tell spouse not to talk to his mother. I believe in letting people do what they’re going to do. But I’ve also been instructed by the doctors to chill out and keep my stress to a zero. This does not help.
Am I overreacting to gently, quietly close the door for a while?
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You’re underreacting. There are certain people who will be a blessing to your family and form wonderful, quality relationships with your little one. MIL is not one of those people. She has NEVER been one of those people. She continues to show you and your husband what kind of person she is, and yet somehow she is given chance after chance after chance to show her true self.
That’s it. That’s her true self. You’ve seen it. You know it. Little one deserves better than that, and she is incapable of being better because she doesn’t want to be.
No, if anything, you’re underreacting. Look at a list of the things she has said and done. Bullet points and all. If a random stranger had done even half of those things, they’d never be allowed to speak to you again. Now ask yourself why you aren’t holding your MIL, someone who’s supposed to be family, to a higher standard than a random stranger on the street.
She is not a good person. She does whatever she wants and then acts like a child when she’s called out on it. Your baby deserves better than that in their life, and your MIL hasn’t shown a shred of evidence that she can achieve that. In my opinion, your husband should put her words in his back pocket. When she starts complaining that she can’t meet the baby, he can tell her that she needs to get over it.
You should have dropped the rope ages ago for your own sanity and health. She doesn’t respect you, won’t respect or listen to boundaries because there have been no consequences. Put your foot down now before baby comes as you will be quite vulnerable during early post-partum and she will do whatever she can and wants to unless you put boundaries with consequences in place.
I’m a retired nurse who worked in high risk OB.
Wow, OP! You are very high risk due to your heart condition. Your ejection fraction is quite low. You need rest and low stess now, more than ever.
I hope that your heart condition is being treated by pacemaker or ICD to prevent any more cardiac arrests?
Peace and quiet now, and your partner must handle it. Do not tell her when you are due to be delivered and instructed your doctors she is not to visit in the hospital.
We nurses are very willing to chase out unwanted visitors if needed.
The hospitals in my area all have locked OB units and lists of approved visitors.
Nothing gentle or quiet about her vile behavior. Slam that door shut!
“Spouse and I want to fix the relationship for baby B’s sake.”
—It sounds like Baby B will be better off if there isn’t one. Nor is it wise for a child for a new mother to be stressed out if it can be avoided. There is also the per se concept that if you disrespect an onnocent parent, you don’t get access to their child. Then there is the effect on you for the sake of you.
Time for a time out.
This woman has zero shame, look how she treats everyone in her life. She purposely stomps on every single boundary for any scenario and likes to tell you to “get over it”. Shes going to do that with your baby. No kissing? Big smooches all over LO’s face and lips, then her trademark line of “get over it”.
Give her the same respect and consideration she’s always shown everyone else; none. I know you said you want your child to know their grandparents and have relationships with them. In some cases it’s better not to have a grandparent instead of your LO being used by mil the same way she uses everyone around her. Give her the same energy she gives everyone else and once she pitches a fit simply tell her to “get over it”.
Protect your peace; protect your child. You have enough stress on your plate. Best wishes with your delivery. Hoping for a smooth birth for you and LO.