MIL texted in the group chat asking if anyone was going to visit her and FIL this weekend. One sibling (Child T) responded and added GIFs that said “one moment please” “magic 8 ball saying ‘don’t count on it’” to which other sibling (Child C, who lives in another state) responded with a laugh cry emoji. DH and I didn’t respond, because we’ve had plans for this weekend for over a month now.
And then this text exchange happened between me and sibling-in-law T today:
Sibling-in-law: Hey, what are your and DH’s plans this weekend? Any chance you could make it up to [city MIL and FIL live in, about 2 hours away] for a barbecue? I know you’re busy, so it’s OK if it won’t work out. I’ve been super busy with work too, and I think mom is feeling a little lonely.
Me: we’re headed down to [city in a different state], sorry
thought DH told y’all
i would go friday but i’m in school pretty much all day with my [class] and then [after class activity] — why
doesn’t she come to [city we live in]?
Sibling-in-law: You know mom
I left it at that. I’m like 80% sure MIL called her crying about how lonely she is after the group chat left her hanging yesterday. Like, I’m sorry, but sometimes you gotta do something about it… You can’t expect to be catered to by your adult children. I am sure Sibling-in-law T will cave and go to MIL’s house this weekend.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking MIL should come to us if she’s lonely since she doesn’t have much of a life anyway, instead of expecting us to go to her all the time? Is this going to be the expectation if there were kids in the picture? I don’t want that for myself, or my future.
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What does “we’re headed down to” mean?
I would stop explaining so much. Just say, “We’re really busy, but maybe we can get together on June 50th.” This way, you have something on the books for when you WANT to visit, this sets the expectation that you will come when you can, but the last minute guilt trips will not have you running and jumping to pacify your MIL. Then stick to the date you choose.
Welcome to my world. Somehow it has made sense to both my and my husband’s families that we be the ones to “travel” to see family…. Always. Doesn’t matter that we had the youngest and the most number of kids. It was still expected that we’re the ones to ALWAYS “travel” (rarely more than an hour bc of traffic, but still).
I completely understand. Both my mom and my MIL expect us to solve their lack of social life and it’s completely unsustainable. It’s never enough.
Mom is way too needy and is definitely suffering from Main Character Syndrome. If you can go, the great. If you already had plans, then tough shit! YOUR life does not and should not revolve around her.
My mom does this crap all the time only she employs my enabler dad to do the dirty work while she is a martyr/victim in the background….I am getting better about not feeling guilty for not catering to that nonsense. PS I have four kids and they live an hour away but that doesn’t matter because it’s my job to cater to my mom because she doesn’t have a life.
When SIL T texted you asking you plans, you might have responded “did you already contact your brother? Because we have plans to be out of town.”
When my parents retired, they started a small business and began volunteering at a local environmental nonprofit. They were BUSY doing things they loved. Your MIL is making a choice to sit alone and pressure family to come and serve her expectations. Ick.
Sibling in law T was definitely fishing to see if your plans could be canceled to cater to MIL to give her what she wants to not hear her.
These MILs need to make friends within their own cohort. I can’t imagine relying on my son to be my entertainment.