Hi Reddit,
My MIL (52) and I (31) got along pretty well before I had my baby. But ever since I gave birth to my first child (now 14 months old), it feels like everything changed, and not in a good way.
She started making little comments and doing things that really get under my skin. For example, whenever we send her pictures or videos of the baby, she responds with extremely exaggerated reactions like:
“OMG my grandson! Grandma loves you sooo much! I watched this video/picture 17 times!”
She always refers to him as “my grandson” and herself as “grandma,” rather than using his actual name. It just feels… weirdly performative.
She visits weekly (which is already more than I’d prefer), and before I set boundaries, she would literally come by every single day if she could—she even did it once. Even with those frequent visits, she always says things like:
“Oh I miss my grandson so much, I’ll just walk the dogs nearby” or “I’m dropping off food, I already made it!”
Even when we say “no, we’re good,” she’ll guilt us into accepting it. I appreciate nice gestures, but it stops feeling genuine when it’s unsolicited and forced.
On top of that, she has terrible time management and is incredibly aloof. When she makes plans or asks to come over, she’s consistently 40 minutes to an hour late—this started postpartum and hasn’t changed.
I finally vented everything to my husband recently. I told him all the little things that have built up over time. Like how a week before I gave birth (we knew the baby would be in the NICU due to a birth defect surgery), I told her, kindly, that I’d like some alone time once we got home. She said “okay,” and then proceeded to stop by every single day after we came home.
She never respects when we say we don’t want food—she insists on dropping things off. And when she senses we’re not happy about it, she’ll make snide comments like:
“I’ll just drop it off because I didn’t make an appointment to visit.”
Like… what??
She still does little things that drive me nuts. For example, she’ll say, “Oh, his diaper is full!” literally right after I changed him. Or, “He smells like pee,” when I just changed him 5 minutes ago. Or, “He looks hungry, should I make something?” when I just fed him.
The final straw recently: we were all hanging out and I had just prepared my son for the weather. She started questioning everything: “Does he have a jacket? Is he warm enough? Should we do this or that?” It felt like she was doubting my ability to care for my own child.
Then when we got to our destination, she said, “Let’s put sunscreen on him,” and I replied, “It’s okay, he doesn’t need any.” I still caught her putting it on him behind my back. That completely sent me over the edge. I told her, politely but firmly, that he has sensitive skin and we can’t just put random products on him.
My husband’s sister chimed in saying, “See Mom, I told you,” meaning she already knew. And my MIL just said, “Oh, because baby has sensitive skin,” not in a way that acknowledged her mistake, just to dismiss it.
So I finally said,
“Please don’t put random stuff on him, especially when I’ve already said no.”
She talked over me mid-sentence and started calling out to my husband and SIL, completely avoiding the conversation. That made me trust her even less when it comes to watching my child.
Also, my husband is stuck in the middle. He understands why I’m frustrated and agrees she can be a lot, but he also feels like she should be able to see her grandson weekly. He thinks seeing her every two weeks is “too long” of a gap. He wants to spend time with her too and have her come over weekly, which just adds more pressure on me even when I feel burned out.
Sorry for the long rant. But… am I overthinking or overreacting?
Comments
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When she comes over, leave baby with your husband and go out – have some you time. Or have your husband take baby to hers.
Stop answering her calls and texts in a timely manner, don’t answer the door if she comes over unannounced.
Let your husband deal with her – direct everything to him.
I’m sorry for what you’re experiencing with your MIL. You and your husband need to have a firm conversation with your MIL and hash out all the rules that she needs to follow if she wants to interact with your son. Unfortunately you also have a bit of a husband problem. I believe it’s way over the top to have his mother around weekly. I understand she wants to be with her grandson. She had her time bringing up a child she doesn’t get a do over with your child.
Your husband and you need to be on the same page because his mother is over stepping your boundaries. She knows she is too otherwise she wouldn’t be doubling down with her incorrect answers.
Good luck in finding your strength in handling your MIL.
Husband wants her over weekly? Awesome. You and baby go run errands when before she gets there. You don’t HAVE to have weekly visits with her and your son if you feel it’s too much and he can visit with his mom. 2 weeks is NOT too long of a gap that’s ridiculous. Once or twice a month is plenty, she’s not babies parent she is his grandparent and she doesn’t need to be around weekly. As for her dropping by all the time with food, your husband needs to grow a spine and put down firm boundaries immediately that come with consequences when she doesn’t follow those boundaries. I am sorry you’re dealing with this