TW: abuse, drugs, and suicidal threats
My MIL has had a series of traumatic events in her life starting at a young age and up until 10-15 years ago. Her relationship with my FIL is what really caused most of the trauma because of his abuse (pretty much all the types of abuse) and drug use and it took years for her to finally get away from him (he would stalk her). She never received any sort of professional treatment for her mental instability due to the trauma, and now she is so far into the victim mentality that she is an emotional abuser.
In the beginning I had sympathy for her and tried to understand her but after she continually disrespected my husband and BIL, especially when it came to their children, it made it harder. She does everything out of fear that her grandkids are going to hate her, so she buys them toys and candy everyday. She allows them unlimited access to YouTube. She’s their babysitter so that makes it worse to stop her. She bought the oldest 2 phones before their parents were ready for them to have phones. She tried to provide a phone for the youngest (7) because the other grandkids had one and she didn’t want him to be left out. She smokes around them after being asked not to do it before she takes them to school (she smokes in the car on the way to school) but she blew up and said she was going to do what she wanted. They can act out and she never disciplines them and will reward them. They are terrible kids during the summer because they act just like her, so any small inconvenience results in crying, hiding away, and just meltdowns because that’s what MIL does. When they aren’t around her that much, they are completely different kids and have more stable emotional regulation skills. I don’t have a say in all this because my husband’s kids are my stepkids, so I let him handle all of it. I am pregnant with my first kid and I told my husband that his mother will not be around my kid like she is with my stepchildren and he agreed. I’m able to take my kid to work with me so I don’t need a babysitter, and if I do, then my mom will be my first ask. And before anyone asks, I have tried to take my stepchildren with me to work. The youngest was BAD in front of a potential client (even though she’s not usually bad with me because I set boundaries and consequences) and my boss had to get involved so they are no longer allowed at my workplace.
Her favorite thing to do is not reach out to anyone but expect everyone to reach out to her. If my husband and I do something with the kids or if my BIL does something with his family, she’s posting about how no one loves her or wants to be around her. One time my BIL invited her over to stay the night for Christmas and she got mad about something and blew up claiming they didn’t love her or care about her so she left…all while my SIL custom made her a stocking and ensured it was filled.
She expects my husband to do the maintenance on her car and he told her he’s fine with it but she has to make the drive to our house for him to work on it. But, she refuses to do that and complains on Facebook about how no one cares enough about her to help her.
My husband is afraid to say anything to her because she has threatened suicide, so he’s afraid that he could be the reason she goes through with it and he doesn’t want that guilt on him.
So yeah, these days I don’t go around her unless necessary. I’m not looking forward to her coming to my house after I give birth because she’s going to pitch a fit when I tell her no smoking before she holds baby and no kisses. I’ve walked on eggshells my entire childhood, I’m not doing it as an adult so she’ll either get with the program or get out of my house. I don’t care to have a Facebook post about me.
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First and foremost: Plenty of people go through trauma without ending up like that. It’s not an excuse for her terrible behavior, and it’s only part of the reason for it.
Secondly, your husband needs to call the police for a wellness check every time she threatens to harm herself. She’s either serious, in which case she gets the help she needs, or she’s bluffing for attention, in which case the cops showing up will show her that you’re not playing her game and the embarrassment should stop her from doing it again. Once he’s past that hurdle, he can start setting the boundaries he needs.