Hello again, I didn’t expect my original post to get the kind of attention it did, but I just wanted to post a quick update and say thank you to everyone who took the time to comment, give feedback, and share resources. This whole situation has been overwhelming, and your support really gave me the confidence to start seeing things more clearly.
Now onto the update :
Unfortunately, things have taken a turn… During our most recent drop-off, my child’s father started demanding once again that I tell him where I go, who I’m with, and who I hang out with in my personal time even when our child isn’t with me. I stood my ground and told him, very plainly, that I’m not interested in hearing about his personal life, and I’m not obligated to share mine either. Unless it’s a conversation directly involving our child, I’m not engaging.
He then responded by saying (I tried to cut this conversation off beforehand to no avail) that if I have friends over at my apartment even if it’s just a hangout or if I attend church events that he wants to be physically present during those moments to “monitor who’s around our child.” He then said if I don’t start sharing more about what I do and who I’m with, he’s going to pursue full legal and physical custody.
I’ve never really been through the legal system before, but I’m going to reach out to a caseworker or a family attorney this coming week.
✨A lot of people had follow-up questions or offered suggestions, so I just wanted to respond to a few things that came up repeatedly: ✨
• I’ve started looking into parenting apps and legal steps.
- That was something I hadn’t really considered before or really knew much about, but after how things have gone so far, I know it’s necessary.
• To those asking about my mom yeah, that dynamic has always been hard.
- She’s sided with him since high school. Even when I told her about the cheating, she responded with “well, men don’t cheat for no reason.” It’s been tough realizing she’s not the kind of support system I need, but I’m distancing myself emotionally and being more careful with what I share.
• As for the jealousy/manipulation theory…
- A lot of people have pointed out that he might be trying to make me jealous by constantly bringing up other women, and I agree. I also think he’s using this so-called honesty and straightforwardness as a guise to get information about my personal life. This does feel manipulative because he’s creating a one-sided demand for transparency.
• No, we don’t have a custody agreement in place yet.
- But I am taking steps to speak with a caseworker or attorney.
• Some suspect my mom may be giving him info and honestly, I wouldn’t doubt it.
- She and my ex are still friends on Facebook. There’ve been instances where he knows things that weren’t posted publicly, but were known by her.
✨Again, thank you all for helping me feel seen and less crazy in all this. If anyone has experience navigating custody arrangements or parenting apps, please share. Also, if you’ve ever had to juggle expenses from situations like this (going to court/seeking legal representation) any advice is greatly appreciated. ✨
Comments
From now on make sure you document as much of your interactions as possible. Never know when that might come in handy during a custody dispute.
I’m glad you are taking the steps necessary.
One piece of advice – put your mom on an information diet. Expect that anything you say to her will be shared with your ex.
Your ex won’t get sole custody purely because you won’t share your personal al life with him.
Just focus on what’s best for your child. And document the shit out of EVERYTHING.
Dates, times, context. Keep it all messages and voicemails too. You never know what will help.
Your mum is telling him everything. Limit her access to your social media and put her on an information diet.
Speak to the caseworker to make custody situation official to stop him kidnapping your kid. Look into the parenting app and consider a restraining order as his behaviour keeps escalating. Also are u going out on dates or seeing someone just now? ( as if this is the case and u told your mum , that will mean he will probably escalate to stalking you as well)
Good luck. Hope u get a positive outcome
u/TightKale5979 document everything for now try to keep communication to text or email. Maybe start doing the exchange at the police station. Your ex behavior isn’t just about jealousy it’s about control loveisrespect.org to find out more. I would also suggest posting on r/FamilyLaw there’s a lot of people on there going through custody issues so it’s a good place.
Please stay safe
You are really RIGHT to set BOUNDARIES and not allow someone else to INVASIVELY monitor your personal life under the guise of co-parenting, DOCUMENT EVERY INTERACTION and CONSULT WITH A FAMILY LAW ATTORNEY to protect your rights and your child’s well-being.
I’ve never replied on this sub but your ex is a top level POS. And to be quite blunt, so is your mom.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and please get an attorney ASAP. I know it’s new to you but you need to be proactive. I also highly doubt he’d get full custody. You’d probably have a better chance getting it.
Wish you the best and stay strong.
Keep on taking the steps you’re taking, and while his demands can be a lot, don’t block him cuz that can be used in court against you. Just ignore unless it’s relevant to your kid. Can show a pattern of controlling behavior and if he makes threats than those too if you eventually (hopefully doesn’t come to this) pursue a restraining order or anything
Quit telling your mother anything. She chose her side and it’s not yours.
Document, document, document. Also see if there is a lawyer you can get a free consultation with to find out next steps. You can also discuss payment plans with them to see if they’ll work with you if need be.
Good luck OP!
I would block your mom on fb
Cut your mother off your Facebook and look into post separation abuse.
Move faster. Get that lawyer in place and working on a custody agreement. Tell your mother she is causing problems, you are cutting her off until she can prove her worth in your life. Also remind her that your ex isn’t going to shag her so she can stop aiding him now
Tell him to feel free to go the court route but they’re going to laugh in his face when he tells that he wants to monitor you 24/7. Honestly, I’d record every conversation for here out (just tell him before if you’re in a state that doesn’t allow recording without all parties knowing. Try to only communicate through text and after every meeting write an email to him and start at as per our conversation and then touch on all points again.
Cut your mom off and speak to a family lawyer.
Tell them about his threats and demands and how you get physically sick with anxiety when it drop off time for your child.
You want it so he can never contact you again and where the drop off is done by either a mediation centre or the police station.
Also, no judge would ever give someone custody because they won’t tell them what they do in their spare time 🙄
All exchanges until your family lawyer can put your demands in motion, have someone with you, a girlfriend or a guy friend.
Hand the baby over if he asks about said friend or what you are doing. Simply.
” bye, have fun with dad… see you xyz”
Then walk away.
Let him pursue full legal custody. No judge is going to give it to him based on his demands of you.
Exchange your child at the police station from now on. If he won’t agree to that, literally pull your phone out and record the exchange every single time.
Have you logged out of all your social media and changed all your passwords? You really should, he might have access, or your mother might…
Start wearing shirts with a front pocket so you can throw your phone in there and record your exchanges.
Search “FU Binder” on the main page. It’s from an old post, but it gives a concise outline of what you could be about to face, and how to prepare to weather the storm.
Your ex don’t think he’s an ex that’s the problem.
He can seek full custody all he wants to. As long as you are fit to take care of said child, wish him luck on that.
And he will only look worse for doing so. Because his actions might just give him less time with his child, because he is not a fit parent.
It will cost you money, but in the long run, you will have peace of mind once custody arrangements are in place.
As for mom, I would be telling her she has a choice. Either she is by your or not. Or she will lose contact with her grandchild. If she does not get it, call her every night. So, what did you do today? Who were you with? Invade her life as he does yours. Maybe she will get it. Probably not. Maybe mom should look into what harassment is. What he is doing to you. What effect his actions do to you.
NTA , also, you need a lawyer and a court ordered parenting plan with schedule, drop off locations and everything spelled out. Including child support and how extras like medical copays and sport expenses will be split
If you’re in a One Party State (where only one of you needs to know you’re recording), start recording phone calls and in person interactions. If you have a dash cam in your car, you can have that running while you talk with him, just make sure the audio is being picked up, and stand where the camera can see both of you while getting the audio as well. I believe that Dash Cam Video doesn’t require the second party’s consent, as it’s a safety feature for your vehicle, but double check that with an attorney, as each State has different views on those laws.
TRY to keep all communication to texts, voicemails, and emails, that way it’s documented. If you can’t, and you are NOT in a One Party State, open each conversation with “I’m recording this call for my own purposes. If you do not consent, please end this conversation and take it to email or text instead.” That way you’re covered by Second Party Consent, and him and your Mom both have the option to end the conversation there, and they can choose to text or email instead. In other words, flip the narrative on them. They want to manipulate, you do the same.
Whatever you do! DO NOT ENGAGE WITH ANGER! My ex-husband would CONSTANTLY do and say things to cause me to get angry with him! That CAN be used against you in court! If they’re doing everything they can to push you to get angry with them, end all communication with a VERY CALM response of “I am not going to continue this conversation in this manner. If you cannot be civil, I am hanging up/walking away/leaving” (whichever fits the situation).
Essentially you are a “favorite toy that is refusing to play the game” his way, so he’s trying to regain control over you, and he’s using your Mom as the “control factor”. He wants you to “fall in line”, and believes your Mom has the power to make you do what he wants. Don’t give in to it. Stay strong, get an attorney, and document everything with a vengeance.
Get him to somehow make his demands/threats over text – print them out to use for your case.
Better to go for a lawyer if you can, case workers take a long time to get back to you.
Parenting app will be court mandated.
Just laugh. His controlling behavior has to be one of the reasons you broke up with him. Definitely don’t entertain it now.
I want to just reassure you that unless you live in a third world country, no judge is going to grant him full custody for this nonsense. Unfortunately, the flip side is also true that they are not so likely to strip him of legal or physical custody either absent a whole lotta evidence.
My ex went hog wild trying to take custody from me. He spent over 250k in attorneys fees over a 10yr period. I spent about 60k. The only thing he accomplished was completely alienating our oldest, who stopped having contact with him at 14yrs.
Dropping of at the Police station is Good Advice OP.It puts him on notice …
You need a lawyer to represent you. But no judge (at least I think) will grant his ridiculous request that he engages in and supervises all your social interactions (with or without your child). Keep a record (screen shots, etc.) of his ridiculous demands. Get it in writing (texts, email, etc.). That’s why a parenting app is so important. Go back to court. (Be proactive before he does.) Ask the judge to direct that ALL communication is to be thru the parenting app. When you do the custody exchange, do it at a neutral place (like the local police station parking lot). If you have to exchange at your or his house, ask the judge to direct a friend (your friend) to be there as a witness. And keep your mother out of it. Don’t give her any details of your divorce, custody issues. Tell her if she brings it up, you will walk away, leave, and go no contact for a week, month, etc.
I’m with you here, NTA, who does he think he is? Like, really? Just keep documenting everything, hon.
Updateme
Thats not gonna work i court. And honestly you need to start doing paper work for his harrasment.
Be very careful, what he is doing right now is labelled coercitive control. It is illegal and considered as DV in multiple countries, including Australia and Canada. It is also likely to escalate to more dangerous behaviours including stalking, harasment and even physical violence.
I would strongly suggest you take strong measures to protect yourself, including communicating through parenting app (do not answer phone calls or record them and if he texts you elsewhere, take a screen capture, post it in the app and answer in the app), doing custody exchange in front of a police or fire station, documenting every interaction and pursuing a formal custody agreement. As of right now, without the agreement, he is free to take your child to the other side of the country and keep them in his custody indefinitely.
Finally, unless you are in a third world country, his threats to get full custody are bogus. No juge will give him full custody unless you are so unfit that CPS would consider removing your child from you due to violence/gross neglect. They strongly favor 50/50.
First things first, get an attorney. See if there are legal aid organizations in your area. If you live in a city with a law school, see if they have a family law clinic. My law school has one and we accept and represent clients for free.
Next, find a new babysitter for your daughter. Maybe someone from your church. You need to limit contact with your mom. Also, try to keep communication with your ex to a minimum and always written. Check the laws on recording conversations in your state. Where I live is a one party consent state, so you can record conversations if at least one person agrees (that person being yourself). But check your state laws on this.
OP, he does not deserve any access to your private life. And if he wants to take it to court, then let him do it. I’m an advocate for courts to handle child custody situations, makes things less messy when the rules and schedules are in black and white.
Him threatening the legal route is not the threat he thinks it is. Keep documenting his crazy behavior and make sure to expose it in court.
updateme
Updateme
YTA for not putting your mom on an info diet as soon as you knew she took your ex’s side. She is absolutely providing him with information so stop it! I do love how Redditors rallied to get you to see the danger and advised what to do. Good luck OP
Document everything. He’s trying to.control you
This is manipulation 101. He is trying to scare you with going to court & taking your baby away so you will comply. He’s upset that he doesn’t have control of you anymore & you not responding is driving him crazy.
A lawyer will tell him that he can’t ask you about your time away from your child. No judge will grant full custody for that reason alone. He would have to prove you are an unfit mother. Which you aren’t.
Things will probably keep escalating so be careful. Be prepared to be the villain when you do get a lawyer & actually go to court. He might start saying he didn’t mean his threat so why did you take it seriously. Keep standing strong & know that you are only protecting you & your child from his BS.
He sounds obsessed with you personally and using the child to cloak his interest.
I got it put in the custody order that exchanges were to take place in public like at a grocery store as I feared for my safety.
That wasn’t enough to keep his crazy contained so I asked the court to modify it to exchanges in front of the police station. The courts don’t order these things unless there is reason and they agreed there was a reason.
Consider yourself going through a bad divorce. Read those forums. As someone who had a horrible divorce, your just getting started. Once your ex realizes this is actually happening, he will love bomb you. Will claim to fall on his sword. When that doesn’t work, he will be the meanest creepiest person you’ve ever met. He will call you awful names, accuse YOU of being a hoe, blame YOU for breaking up the marriage, and he will try to make you look crazy.
Save every text. Limit in person conversations and agree nothing in front of this poor kid. Unfortunately, as he gets angrier and more vindictive, it becomes hard to trust him with your child. Dont be surprised if he parks outside and watches you, goes theough phone bills or tracks your computer
Note how involved he was formerly in the kids life. When things settle out, he won’t demand all the custody time. Its all about the show. Things will get better. But expect this to go on for minimum a year or until he gets another woman.
Im sorry youre going through this. You will learn a lot about yourself and your strength. You will completely see your former relationship through the eyes of a woman instead of a man pleasing young lady.
Document everything. No more phone calls voice messages and texts. Save everything and begging to build the case that his behaviour is unreasonable and that he is trying to retaliate against you by using your child and the courts.
I would definitely start by moving away from your Mom and keep her (and anyone not 1000% on your side) on a strict info diet. Talk to an attorney asap and get a plan in place for a custody/Child Support hearing ASAP. YOU definitely need to keep a log/journal all factual without emotions of everything he AND your mom say/do regarding everything related to you/your child and this CONTROLLING behavior – especially the threats,demands and ANGER. I even know parents who will also put positive things the other parent in their journal – for example “other parent bought child the a new stuffie (simple description) and child loves it. This shows you aren’t being the evil witch. Also keep a log/lists with all gifts/purchases given to you for child or you specifically as well as all monies given to you. keep that log separate from the action/verbal log – this will help you in Custody/Child Support
Keep printouts of ALL TEXTS/Messages/etc ….. when he calls – have it go to voice mail (hopefully you have it where your voice mails are turned to text messages) – print those out/find out how to safe them in a secure location.
Keep all that info in your binder/log and keep that somewhere with someone who you can trust to keep it secure and a secret, someone who is 10000% on your side. Stop calling unless it is an EMERGENCY- otherwise communicate through texts … even saying “I want to keep everything in writing, so there is no confusion or misunderstandings or forgetting since we are both so busy in life and co-parenting our child. “
I would even make a shared calendar ONLY RELATED TO THE CHILD – put custody dates/doctor appointments for the child/school events (if in daycare). Keep it on a need to know basis – DO NOT PUT ANYTHING ON IT UNLESS IT IS NECESSARY FOR THE CHILD (your activities with the child do NOT involve him nor does your private life). Send it with a note saying “ Just thought this would be helpful for us to keep up with child’s custody schedule/dr appointments and such, because I know life can be chaotic. You can also add things as well, this will just make it so much easier for co-parenting”
Most important begin having someone with you at all custody exchanges (probably make it a female or a male family member – as you don’t want to stir the pot and anger him more) and let him know that you want to have all custody exchanges done in a neutral public location – he can choose his drop off but you will be doing your drop offs at the are done at the Police Station. This is not uncommon at all – you can even ask for it to be done inside in the lobby with you leaving 5 min before him for your safety.
Don’t get emotional – you need to be “normal/flat” during exchanges and next time he pulls the full custody card – just say OK.
HOPEFULLY his behavior will improve but if not or it escalates you will have documentation to help you in Court, because if it escalates you can always have ask for a protective order and supervised exchanges.
Most judges will probably throw out his theory of getting your personal information and demands. I’m surprised if the judge doesn’t laugh at it.
Updateme!
Updateme!
Immediately contact family layers and apply for full custody yourself. You’ve got to get ahead of the game here.
“My ex won’t let me hangout with her and her church friends” is not grounds for sole custody. This man is absolutely ridiculous.
I suggest you find a therapist, because you’re gonna need someone you can talk to about his drama who you know won’t be running to your ex to spill the tea.
NTA, if you are in US they will look at his reasoning and laugh. He has no legal leg to stand on! He wants to continue to control you be in a relationship with you without being with you
So he’s continuing to demand where you are and who you’re with at all times, and now threatening to take your custody away? Girl, no. Save all of these conversations via screenshots & voice recordings. They don’t take kids away from their mothers bc somemanipulative ex partner wants to control another human being.
Document everything. Tell/show trusted friends (not your mother) in case something happens to you. This guy is unhinged and it’s only going to escalate. Get the authorities/ cps/whoever involved and get a legal custody agreement. Be weary of him taking your kid and leaving for awhile to “teach you a lesson,” also.
Yes! You need a lawyer!! You need someone to draft an agreement about custody!!!
Get a lawyer asap and block your mom
Maybe start feeding false info to your mom or just derail any personal conversation.
“What are you up to this weekend? “
Nothing, mom, how’s your friend you did blank with?
“Are you going to blank function this week?”
No plans yet, how’s your garden?