So me (24M) and my partner (26F) have been together for about 3.5 years, and there has been a change in her libido quite rapidly this year. We are both busy final-year medical students and live together. We used to have sex 3-4 times a week, and then over the years it’s fallen to about once a week, and then we have only had sex twice this year, and as of now, it has been 3 months since we last had sex.
She says it’s due to her self-esteem, body dysmorphia, + being recently diagnosed with autism. She sees a therapist about fixing her self-esteem, identity issues, and how to socialise, but not directly about figuring out why her libido has fallen so drastically. She tells me she’s still sexually attracted to me and that she sees this sex life as temporary. I have stopped initiating sex or trying to have sex, as it is very clear she has 0% in sex as of right now (last 100 attempts, 0 successful). I touch her, and she’s comfortable with that, but rarely ever touches me. She’s also told me she doesn’t like the feeling of anything down there, so there’s a mixture of reasons as to why she doesn’t want sex. She has also been very lonely for her entire life and has made recent friends for the very first time this year at work, and spends quite a lot of time with them. We still are able to cuddle and kiss (not make out, only quick kisses on the lips), but nothing more than that. I really love this person so much, and I am willing to wait and support her through this time, but it’s just so mentally and physically taxing to always have urges but just never act on them. I don’t watch porn or masturbate and am not interested in doing so. I have been extremely respectful, patient and supportive about it, and she has told me that a lot of people would just leave, and if I want to, she understands.
Just the fact that she sees it as temporary, not the new normal, is keeping me sane. I just want to know if anyone has been in a similar situation and any advice / information that could be useful aswell as a different perspective?
TL;DR: Couple (24M, 26F) in a 3.5-year relationship; sex life dropped from 3–4x/week to 2x this year. She’s dealing with body image issues, autism diagnosis, and low libido. Still loves him and says it’s temporary. He’s supportive but struggling with unmet needs and seeking advice from others who’ve been through this.
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You’re being really patient and supportive, which is anxiety. Her low libido likely ties to her self-esteem, autism, and stress. It’s great she’s in therapy… maybe addressing libido specifically could help. Keep the non-sexual closeness, and consider couples counseling or healthy outlets for your needs. It’s hopeful she sees this as temporary. Hang in there
I’m afraid I’ve got pretty bad news. Things only get worse from a professional perspective. Residency makes medical school look like kindergarten. Whatever problems you have presently in your relationship will get shelved and fester until training is over, assuming the relationship survives that long. So you’ve got to make choice. Take things as they are assuming sex will only get less frequent and be okay with it, or go find a better situation. If you’re like me, the discrepancy in libido will be torture as you’re slaving away in the hospital. So this is the ‘easy before it gets hard’ phase of the relationship.